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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

Telling BIL&SIL about pregnancy

60 replies

HeartvsHead · 15/04/2019 20:20

I am approaching 12 weeks with DC2 and unsure how best to share the news with my BIL&SIL. They have been trying for a baby for years and recently been denied IVF due to various health reasons and are now in the process of adopting.

DH thinks we should go over together and sit down and tell them both but I think this might put them on the spot and if they are upset they have no where to go.

I think it might be better for him to tell his brother and let him tell SIL to allow them the time to get their heads around it before having to see us in a social setting.

With DC1 we didn't know about them trying and SIL burst into tears and ran out the room (understandably) and I don't want to put her in that position again. When she asked me a few months ago if we were thinking about a second I was very honest with her as I felt it was fair to let her know it was possibly on the horizon (as opposed to every other person that has asked who got the vague 'oh you know, we will see')

What do you think would be best to do? Thanks in advance for any advice.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

SauvignonBlanche · 17/04/2019 08:34

should the fact that my SIL will be hurt by our news trump the fact that DH would like to tell his mum on her birthday that we are expecting?

Yes, it should.

Teddybear45 · 17/04/2019 10:30

MsSquiz - IVF isn’t like other infertility struggles. The mindspace you go through absolutely cannot be compared to a few months ttc. On top of the money issue, you have the stress of booking IVF appointments around work and personal commitments (the real reason she probably hasn’t been able to meet up on social engagements), the stress of keeping failures quiet, the pain of other people conceiving around you who don’t have to do all of that.

I also think the sil you do get on with is stirring and possibly even misrepresenting her IVF journey (or maybe you are). No woman who has actually gone through IVF would give you that advice. Ever.

TimeIhadaNameChange · 17/04/2019 10:44

MsSquiz - I'm another one who thinks you're being incredibly cruel. Yes, in a perfect world it would be nice to tell your MIL at her birthday meal, but the world isn't perfect. You still get to spread your happy news, but that isn't the time.

Unfortunately I fear you, and your DH, are too selfish to change your minds over this.

Pinkstars2501 · 17/04/2019 11:04

I was in this situation, it’s horrible. I was your SIL though and to be honest no matter how they told us, it wouldn’t have been nice.
But here’s how they did it:
We had just come home from a weekend away and were lounging about doing washing etc. BIL texted to say he’d be over in a bit to collect something. In he walks, alone without SIL, we give him item, bit of small talk... Then he says “how d’you fancy being Uncle and Aunty....”.
I couldn’t say anything except “oh....congrats”. And then off he went and told his mother that he didn’t get much reaction.

Now we have made no secret of the fact we’ve been trying for years, but no joy and are currently going through tests, how hard it is etc etc. So to have it said so matter of fact and in my own home so I couldn’t go anywhere, was hurtful (they fell within 3 months of trying, before anyone says I don’t know if they’d struggled).
I don’t for one minute expect them to tiptoe around us or hide it or not speak about it, just a little sensitivity.
There’s no nice way to say it to someone who’s struggling to conceive. I do wish they’d sent a text so that we could process it and then give them the big congratulations they wanted, even if it was just for us to save face.

My post is a bit of a ramble, sorry.

MsSquiz · 17/04/2019 11:23

@Teddybear45 I am well aware of SIL's struggle with IVF and conceiving - she has shared every small detail of it with us. I have seen her unable to speak to her own cousin and his wife 5 months into their pregnancy because it was too hard for her. I have seen her upset each month between cycles when her period has arrived. We are all aware of every appointment, have had texts about follicle sizes. So please do not patronise me.

She works on a Sunday which is when we usually do birthday lunches - there's no hidden meaning behind that!

@TimeIhadaNameChange you are right, it's not a perfect world. If it was, SIL would have long been a mum.
My DH is not selfish - he wants to be the one to tell his sister, just the 2 of them, face to face. That way he can talk with her, and it will allow her reaction to be as it should be (without her upsetting me or me feeling upset at her sadness)
The same way she cannot help how she will feel, I cannot help that it would be hard to see someone so hurt by something exciting for me.
You only know the few details I have posted here, so please do not call my DH selfish - he wants his mum to be excited, his sister to be comforted and his wife to be happy.

Pinkstars2501 · 17/04/2019 11:28

To the previous poster:
If they’d have told me and then asked me to keep it a secret so that they could announce it at their mums birthday meal (not even on her actual birthday btw), then I don’t think I’d have gone. Which I think it hugely selfish of the pregnant couple. Because now, not only have I struggled for years to conceive, been through IVF and all that it brings, then I’d had a miscarriage, then my brother is expecting his second child (which deep down I’d be happy for, but sad I didn’t even have one), but now I’ve also got to keep this a secret from my own mum when normally the first two people I’d go to for support about this would be my husband or my mum.... Oh and I probably wouldn’t be able to enjoy this meal for being anxious that at some point you’re going to announce this and I won’t know when that point will be and I’ll have to paint a smile on. So now I’ve missed out on my mums birthday meal too 🤷🏻‍♀️

Whether or not your SIL normally goes is beside the point. Can’t you tell his mother in private? You say you want to tell the MiL on ghee birthday, but you’re not are you, her birthday is the next day. You say you don’t want to put her in the position where she’ll have to hide her reaction so as not to upset you, but she will. She’ll still have to hide it, because she’ll still have to sit through you announcing it to everyone else.

I may be a bit jaded about this situation because I’ve been on the other (shitty) side, but it seems to me you’re only thinking about yourselves and how you can make yourselves feel better because you know your plan is going to hurt someone.
If you hadn’t known about her issues then I’d be saying it’s not your fault. But you do.

Amongstthetallgrass · 17/04/2019 11:37

Mssquiz I get where your coming from but your timing is off. Just wait till after the meal. It will not make one bit of difference to wait one day before telling mil.

Be careful your not setting yourself up for family drama

MsSquiz · 17/04/2019 11:43

My plan is not to hurt anyone. If I wanted to hurt her, DH wouldn't be speaking to her privately before the meal.

I am stepping away from this thread now.

I am sorry for those currently or previously in my SIL's position but I won't be continuously called selfish or cruel.
As is normal on here, your only know a brief part of the full story

LetsDoThisAgain · 17/04/2019 11:45

I think it's off to make someone else's birthday meal about you and your pregnancy. Your unborn baby isn't a birthday present.

LetsDoThisAgain · 17/04/2019 11:45

Sorry to clarify, my last comment was aimed at MsSquiz, not the OP.

PurpleDaisies · 17/04/2019 11:51

Surely it would be far more cruel to just send a text round to the family or have her sit there as we tell people at lunch?

It isn’t more cruel to send her a text. That’s what most people in your SIL’s position actually want. Look at the threads on the infertility board.

You’ve made up your mind. It’s a shame you won’t listen to those of us who’ve been where your SIL is now and be kinder to her.

Pinkstars2501 · 17/04/2019 11:54

You asked for opinions based on the info you’ve provided. That’s what you’ve got.

MsSquiz · 17/04/2019 12:05

@Pinkstars2501 No, I didn't actually ask for any opinions, this isn't my thread. I just commented.

Thank you for everyone's comments on my post and just how awful DH and I are.

@HeartvsHead I hope the situation all works out for you and your family.
Sorry that my post seemed to have seriously derailed your thread

GemmeFatale · 17/04/2019 12:06

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

MsSquiz · 17/04/2019 12:08

@GemmeFatale nice personal attack there, thanks

Morticiaismymumgoal · 17/04/2019 12:11

MsSquiz you actually said 'I fully expect her not to come to the meal as it'll be too difficult for her' and now she wouldn't be going anyway?
You really don't need to announce your pregnancy at MIL's birthday meal. Really.

EL8888 · 17/04/2019 12:16

This may sound harsh but your husband may want to tell his sister face to face but she may not want him to. He needs to think of her feelings, after all he has got what he wanted (another child) and she hasn't. You and your husband need to be the bigger person and not do what you 2 both want. It's not imperative to tell your MIL on her birthday, even though it's a nice idea from your perspective. I'm confused as to why you are asking for opinions but then probably going to do what you want anyway. Honestly a text is better and it's not just me feeling it if l was your SIL. I've had this debate with other people with fertility issues and failed IVF who felt exactly the same as me

MsSquiz · 17/04/2019 12:25

@EL8888 Yet again, I haven't asked for opinions, this isn't my thread! I just posted on a thread.

SIL would definitely rather hear it from DH rather than anyone else. We know she was upset to have heard about her other brother and his wife having their last child from their mum - even though that is how we all found out. He won't be going in, all guns blazing, "we are having a baby, isn't it amazing?!"

This isn't a subject I would ask for advice from strangers, as it is so subjective and specific to every family, couple and person who goes through it. There is not a blanket, 1 answer fits all. I'm sorry you all think I am cruel. It is something we have discussed even when TTC.

MsSquiz · 17/04/2019 12:27

@Morticiaismymumgoal I meant she rarely comes to get togethers on a Sunday due to it clashing with her work, but I would understand if she didn't want to be there when we tell MIL. Which is why we aren't just springing it on her there too

EL8888 · 17/04/2019 12:32

@MsSquiz apologies -l had thought it was your thread and you were asking for opinions. But I’ve checked back and lm wrong.

How do you know she would rather hear it from him?

HJWT · 17/04/2019 12:33

@MsSquiz I think you are doing the right thing, obviously it is very hard for SIL but that shouldn't take away from your excitement and how you want to announce your pregnancy!

justasking111 · 17/04/2019 12:37

Having been through this three times. I would say let BIL tell her. The first and second time I was pregnant, they still had hope. The third time there was no hope. I did not see my SIL for a year when I was pregnant for the third time. I am sure she was in pieces because she did everything right, did not pre pregnancy drink, eat badly and still she was denied a child.

MsSquiz · 17/04/2019 12:38

@EL8888 she was hurt that her brother hadn't told her himself about the baby. She felt like they had avoided telling her because they knew she would be upset. (Even though we were also told by MIL, she took it very personally)

I know it's horrendous shitty situation to be in. We had our appointment booked with a clinic to go for testing if AF had appeared this month and I have been through previous fertility and pregnancy issues with a previous partner. (I know it's not the same as IVF before I get flamed for that) there is "happy outcome" for everyone involved.

We are excited about our news and sad for SIL. PIL will also be in a similar situation, as will my other SIL & BIL.

Mintypea5 · 17/04/2019 12:46

@MsSquiz I know this ain't your thread but can't you tell your MIL after the meal? Does it have to be there? You're definitely entitled to be excited but surely your MIL will be just as excited to find out after a lovely meal with all her children rather than a meal where it's obvious that her daughter is missing it because of your news?

Pinkstars2501 · 17/04/2019 12:48

My apologies, after a re-read it I realise you don’t want opinions.
For what it’s worth I do think you’re doing the right thing in telling her on her own, and if she prefers face to face then obviously you know that from previous experience. I just think you could also wait until after the meal, or even tell your MiL before. Just not make the meal the place to shout about it. Purely because it gives your SIL chance to digest it and also the gives her the option to go to the meal if she wants to, without fear of the big announcement coming.
Of course, you never know, her reaction could be one of joy for you and she may well embrace baby talk.

No offence intended, it’s hard being on both sides. I think I lot of the feelings around the situation will depend on how close your relationship with her is as well.

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