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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

Birth partners - Husband...wait outside during labour?

63 replies

JessicaMary87 · 04/04/2019 13:25

Hello!

I always value your feedback and wanted to ask if anyone had their mum with them during labour instead of partners? Lots of my friends and family are being quite opinionated and a bit judgmental about my not wanting my husband in the room and feel I’m depriving him of an experience. What are your thoughts? Did anyone else feel very anxious about their partners seeing them in that way? I’m quite a self conscious person and would hate to be in a position where I don’t feel comfortable at such a crucial moment because I’m under pressure to keep everyone happy. I've been told I’ll feel different once it happens but...I can barely get undressed in front of the man let alone legs akimbo!

Thanks so much

OP posts:

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Creatureofthenight · 04/04/2019 13:31

My DH would have been quite hurt if I’d asked him to wait outside.
Whilst everyone has a different birth experience I would say my dignity went out the window once I went into labour and what DH was or wasn’t seeing was the last thing on my mind!

ryanreynolds · 04/04/2019 13:32

People always have opinions, I think that the only ones that matter are you and your husband's. If you're both happy with it, what does it matter to anyone else?

I won't be telling a soul (least of all my parents) when I go into labour - something that gets frowns from other people but I don't care, it's what works for me!

Jennylou88 · 04/04/2019 13:34

you're going to have to go with what your comfortable with and your midwives will ask and support your decision. It isn't really anybody else's business!

Have you spoken to your husband about your feelings? Does he want to be there? If the shoe was on the other foot would you want to be with him?
I wonder if you've been married long? As after a while he's sure to see you in all sorts of situations!

I'm pregnant and definitely want ONLY my husband with me (much to my mum's dismay!) but again that's my preference - I've known others to be happy to have whoever in the room!

HeyCarrieAnneWhatsYourGame · 04/04/2019 13:34

I do think that once you’re in labour you won’t care. By the time it got serious genuinely a coach load of tourists could have come in and I wouldn’t have cared.

TheCraicDealer · 04/04/2019 13:51

I don't think it's terrible for a father to not be there per se. Ultimately your birth partner is supposed to be there to support you and there's some that would only be a hindrance, whether that's because they're phobic about blood, don't cope well in stressful situations or because they'd simply be eff all help.

However, your main issue seems to be worrying about what your DH will think of you whilst you're in labour, and I think asking him to stay away for that reason is unfair to him. Presumably he loves you and wants to support you and see your child be born. No harm to you, but if you're genuinely worried that the man you've chosen to spend your life with might judge you because of how you behave when you're under pressure and in pain, you have bigger issues than what your friends might think. Have you discussed it with him? Does he seem ok with not being there? If not, could you have both him and your mum there, and would that make you feel less anxious about it?

Ultimately it's your decision. If you want to explore it further I would watch a few episodes of OBEM with him to give him an idea of what to expect. It might help you as well- the range of what's "normal" behaviour for women in labour is wide indeed!

Bambamber · 04/04/2019 13:55

People often say when it comes down to it you won't care, but that's just not necessarily true. I had a very straightforward birth and was very aware of everything going on around me and was very specific with how I wanted things. My birth plan was followed from beginning to end, including who was to be in the room at what point. Of course that's not always the way, but don't assume you wont care.

Giving birth is when you're at your most vulnerable, you have to do whatever makes you feel comfortable.

You mention legs akimbo, have you gone through a birth plan? As you really don't need your legs akimbo unless you need medical intervention.

physicskate · 04/04/2019 13:56

I did set some ground rules with dh. He's quite squeamish anyway, which meant he readily agreed!

He was not to go to the 'business end' (but saw the bucket of blood anyway). I don't want that image of my vagina to be what he has in his head...

He also needed to leave the room when they jabbed me with needles (but that was so he didn't pass out). He made the decision not to cut the cord (but they wouldn't have let him anyway as it was all done in a rush when they thought it was an emergency). I also wanted dh there for my first shower after but made him turn his back - didn't want him seeing the blood, bruises and stitching, but wanted him there in case I passed out or something (I didn't and it was totally fine - not painful as I'd been expecting. He even hosed down the drops of blood from the floor afterwards).

Birth doesn't have a lot of dignity, but I still wanted to avoid dh thinking of me purely like that forever. Birth can also be a bit traumatic if partners don't know what to expect or plans change suddenly, so I do get your concerns.

I'm glad we'd made these decisions beforehand because with all the drugs, I really didn't give a shit while it was happening, but am happy with the decisions we made now (3 weeks after the birth).

TheLovleyChebbyMcGee · 04/04/2019 14:13

As difficult as he found it, my husband would have been gutted to not be in with me while having our son. To miss out on something like that isn't fair for your partner imo.

Yes it's undignified at times, but that's parenthood tbh. My DH and I joke that we've never seen each other naked so much, yet in a completely unsexy way! I used to be very self conscious and shy about my body. I thought I'd care a whole load about being naked. But then I found myself in labor wearing only a crop top, it's very surreal looking back on it!

But, if your partner is happy with the situation then what do other people's opinions matter

Samind · 04/04/2019 14:16

I can guarantee you won't care who's there when it's happening. I don't even properly remember stripping off until the gas an air wore off an I was freezing 😂😂 my dp would of been gutted to have missed it.

SoyDora · 04/04/2019 14:20

The thing is, people can say things like ‘I can guarantee you won’t care’ but actually they can’t. I’ve had three DC, remained very aware and in control every time and was very conscious of who was in the room etc. If you really feel that having him there will make you uncomfortable then talk to him. Above all you need to be comfortable as you are the one giving birth.

Tealtights · 04/04/2019 14:23

I think it's pretty bizarre you don't want your life partner and father of your child with you, that's an unusual relationship to me. People will tell you it's your body your experience etc, but I think it is quite selfish to push a father out like that, I'm not saying he has an inherent right to be there and you have got to be comfortable, but I think it's quite an unhealthy and unusual attitude to want to exclude him, I just can't comprehend being uncomfortable with your partner being there, there is no one else in this world I want with me when I'm most in need, the fact it's for the birth of his own child is just an aside.

codenameduchess · 04/04/2019 14:27

How did you manage to get pregnant? And why would you have a baby with a man you're not comfortable around?

Have you asked your dh how he feels about it? It's s big decision and ywbu to make it alone, birth is s huge moment and my dh would have been heartbroken not to be there.

Babdoc · 04/04/2019 14:31

OP, what is your relationship with DH like? Is he supportive and loving, or difficult and judgmental, even abusive?
It seems beyond strange that you are expecting his baby but are embarrassed to be seen naked by him.
Why do you feel you’d have to “keep everyone happy” while you were in labour? You are the star of that particular circus, it’s everyone else’s job to keep YOU happy, ffs!
Ultimately you can choose whoever you want to support you during the birth, but I’m curious as to why you are so against the idea of it being DH?

babysharkah · 04/04/2019 14:34

I had a particularly medicalised birth and pregnancy, had about 59 students in the room at one point. I couldn't have given a flying fuck as it resulted in survival of dts.

I think it's a bit odd you wouldn't want him there tbh. Wouldn't he be hurt by that. Keep him head end if you want but he'll be your advocate if things go tits up.

HappyMama01 · 04/04/2019 14:34

I had my mum and my husband in labour with me.

My opinion is it's your labour have who you want there but why would you not want your partner there? It's his baby, he deserves to have the opportunity to support you

babysharkah · 04/04/2019 14:34

59 was very precise, 50 would have worked!

Preggosaurus9 · 04/04/2019 14:40

Love the idea that legs akimbo is rare

Blood, piss, shit everywhere. Midwife holding my legs open as I was too tired to do anything except try and stay calm.

And that was a lovely quick no intervention water birth! It was mortifying.

Op YANBU, just because other people are doing it doesn't mean you have to do the same.

Teakind · 04/04/2019 15:13

My DH and I talk about the day our DD was born often. He was with me the whole time and I think it was actually really good for us as he really supported me when I couldn't advocate for myself.

He helped me shower afterwards and it didn't occur to me to be embarrassed. My body has just produced another human so I was both in awe and too knackered to hold the shower head myself (no way I was sitting in the bath so had to make do with my DH holding it up for me).

Ultimately, do what makes you feel comfortable but it's a truly amazing moment when your child is born and personally I think it would be a shame if he missed it.

Original poster

JessicaMary87 · 04/04/2019 15:19

thanks for your thoughts...My husband is incredibly loving and supportive, we have been together for 10 years and my being extremely self conscious is in now way a reflection on him or our relationship - its purely just the way I am, I am extremely uncomfortable with exposure.

For anyone that did have experiences of going at the labour alone or with your mum could I ask how did your husband feel about you making that decision? Does he feel like he missed out and in retrospect do you regret him not being there? People are making me feel like our relationship will be effected in some way or that the bond he will feel towards the baby will be effected, did you find this?

OP posts:

SoHotADragonRetired · 04/04/2019 15:26

Your experience and needs are by far the most important thing in labour. So if you really feel that you would be better without him there it is your call.

Tbh, my experience is that I was conscious of my environment both times in labour, even when I had no pain relief whatsoever, and although I expected to really want DH's support I actually found his presence kind of annoying because I felt like I had to give him stuff to "do" to make him feel better and genuinely all I needed was to be undisturbed and left alone to get on with it.

Seeing your baby born is a powerful experience for most men and DH wouldn't want to have missed it. So I would expect him to be a bit legitimately sad and disappointed. But. You are the one doing the heavy lifting here and you call the shots. It's not that long ago that men were never present during the event and only arrived to be told whether they had a son or daughter, and they still bonded with their kids fine. Birth is such a small, small event on the timeline of your relationship with your child.

NotSoThinLizzy · 04/04/2019 15:26

I've had both of mine with my mum there rather than OH as hes quite useless when it comes to that kind of stuff. I tend to get carried away focusing on the pain rather than getting on with pushing mums not to scared to tell me off 😂 in a nice way though

whitehalleve · 04/04/2019 15:33

It's up to you!

Samind · 04/04/2019 16:01

Mine was there because we we're in this together so he was there to support me and meet our daughter. He often tells me how much he loves me and we've been physical since having little one so for us it didn't change our relationship.

I can genuinely say although pp's have disagreed (and they're entitled to for their own experiences) that I didn't care. My labour was cut short with an emergency episiotomy and there were about 10 people in the room in the end up and I'd entered delivery room with 2. I just wanted her there and safe.

Look at your birthing options and see if you'd be more comfortable. It is your birthing experience but does OH want to miss out? Discuss this with your man and absolutely with your midwife and hopefully they can resolve any concerns.

TerriB1984 · 04/04/2019 16:02

I had my mum and my DH at my birth and I found it very helpful that they were both there. Once DD was born she had to be whisked away pretty swiftly and my DH was able to go with her while my mum stayed with me while I delivered the placenta. Then after birth when I was getting cleaned up in the shower I fainted and fortunately my DH was there to catch me otherwise I may have injured myself. I’m not sure my mum would have been able to do that. But ultimately as others have said it’s your birth and totally up to you what you choose to do but I would definitely make sure you discuss it with your DH to make sure he understands your feelinga on the matter.

LittleTipple · 04/04/2019 16:12

OP what does your DH think? I know you want others experience, but only you know your DH. It sounds like he would respect your decision, but he could still feel terribly hurt. Seeing your child being born (doesn't have to be at the business end), is incredibly special. To see them take their first breath, be the first people they make eye contact with and of course the opportunity for skin-to-skin during 'power hour'. If your DH is loving and supportive as you say, it seems an awful shame for him to miss all that because you don't want him to see you. For both my labours I was quite covered up - T shirt in pool and nightie on the bed. There wasn't a massive amount of mess, my DH didn't look down and his support during the most painful time in my life was crucial. It's lovely now that we have that shared experience.

Have you also considered if things don't go to plan and you need intervention or a c section. Is it still your mum you'd want in that situation? Leaving your DH outside, not knowing what's going on?

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