Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

Birth partners - Husband...wait outside during labour?

63 replies

JessicaMary87 · 04/04/2019 13:25

Hello!

I always value your feedback and wanted to ask if anyone had their mum with them during labour instead of partners? Lots of my friends and family are being quite opinionated and a bit judgmental about my not wanting my husband in the room and feel I’m depriving him of an experience. What are your thoughts? Did anyone else feel very anxious about their partners seeing them in that way? I’m quite a self conscious person and would hate to be in a position where I don’t feel comfortable at such a crucial moment because I’m under pressure to keep everyone happy. I've been told I’ll feel different once it happens but...I can barely get undressed in front of the man let alone legs akimbo!

Thanks so much

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Pippinsqueak · 04/04/2019 16:12

Personal preference but there was no way I wouldn't have had my husband in there with me, he was such a support and not wanting to make you feel guilty, there was no way I would deny him the experience so seeing our child we created come into the world. My mum wanted to be in there too but she understood that it's not her experience to be had.

As others have said, speak to your husband and get his views and let him know how you feel. You don't want something so special to be ruined by difference of opinion and bring resented further on down the line. What about both?

MeredithGrey1 · 04/04/2019 16:15

People are making me feel like the bond he will feel towards the baby will be effected

Few things annoy me more than other people have strong opinions about someone else's birth. Due to work, my dad was in a different continent when I was born, and didn't get back until I was a few days old. He is not in anyway closer to my sisters (whose births he was there for) than me, and I never felt any difference in our relationship when I was little either. Plenty of men will miss the birth of their child (people who work for long stretches abroad i.e. military, or situations where the baby comes early and the dad is away because they assumed the baby wouldn't come etc.)
Personally I want my partner there, but please don't let judgemental people stress you out with over the top statements about affecting your baby's relationship their dad!

And remember, you can always change your mind, its not a decision you have to make now and stick to. You could decide once labour ramps up that you actually do want him there, or the opposite, you could want him around a lot at the start, and then when it gets nearer the pushing stage, you could decide actually you think you'll feel better with him outside.

Teddybear45 · 04/04/2019 16:16

Depends on the dh really. You need someone bolshy in the room who can ask questions and push back if you cant. My DH can’t do that so I’ll probably hire a doulaa

MsTiggywinkletoyou · 04/04/2019 16:24

It's really a very recent thing to have DHs anywhere near the birthing room. Birth has always been "women's business", until about yesterday, historically speaking. In fact, the women giving birth now may be the first generation whose fathers were likely to have been present at their births. None of the previous generation (e.g. our grandmothers) would have had their husbands with them during labour.

It's your choice who to invite and who to ask not to be with you during childbirth.

QforCucumber · 04/04/2019 16:28

personally it never crossed my mind for him not to be there, and I'm glad he saw what I went through and I think that helped in his aftercare of me. He saw them put the spinal needle in my back, held my hand while I cried worrying that DS wasn't going to be ok, and said himself that he appreciated me letting him experience that with me. It definitely made him realise that it wasn't easy.

NoParticularPattern · 04/04/2019 16:32

It never crossed my mind not to have my husband there, but then that’s me and not you! If you and your husband are both happy for you to labour and give birth alone then surely that’s all that matters? I know you’ve said he’s supportive but what does he actually want? Since this is his baby too I do think his true feelings about it should be considered. Bear mind also that you’re never going to be completely alone- even with the fastest, easiest labour and no examinations, interventions etc you are going to have someone looking at you even if they don’t look down there.

ABC1234DEF · 04/04/2019 16:34

My husband being there definitely made us stronger. He witnessed everything I went through (epidural insertion, traumatic delivery, being stitched back together, bed bath afterwards etc). He did have an impromptu trip down the business end as baby's head came out, so he literally experienced everything.

What that did for him (in his words) was remove all those "Disney" ideas of birth that he had and gave him a whole new respect for what bringing our child into the world involved. As a result, his care for both of us in the immediate weeks following was amazing

aweedropofsancerre · 04/04/2019 16:35

giving birth for the first time is such an emotional and life changing experience and it wouldn't have crossed my mind not to have my partner in the room. I think you should speak to him about how you are feeling. Oh and by the way he wont be sat at the other end, that is what the midwife is their for. He will likely be having his hand squeezed or in my OH case I was grabbing his neck...

Celebelly · 04/04/2019 16:37

I needed quite a lot of support after from DP as I had an emergency section, including checking my wound, helping me in and out of the bath, etc. so I don't think it's really possible (or perhaps advisable) to be wedded to this idea of shielding him from seeing you in whatever state. My DP was there when my catheter was removed in the hospital, when they were asking me about bowel movements, how much bleeding I was having, etc. Also he was there when midwives were showing me how to latch DD on and how to use a breast pump. We really struggled with breastfeeding so he was around a lot while I just sat there with my boobs out and various people grabbing my nipples and trying to get baby interested!

I wanted him there, not just so he could see his daughter being born but because we are a team and I valued and needed his support. He wouldn't have dreamed of not being there and I think would have been quite upset and anxious not to have been there. And I know it's a cliche but in the throes of labour and the panic that our daughter was in distress, I didn't care what he saw (and neither did he, although he did look at an ill advised moment during my section and afterwards told me he'd seen my insides and it was really fascinating ). In fact, him seeing what I went through and the battering my body took has made us even closer and meant in those early days he knew exactly how much help I would need.

TildaTurnip · 04/04/2019 16:38

I didn’t want my husband down the business end and when the midwife said, ‘the head is out, do you want to come and look?’ I said, ‘no’ and he didn’t.

However, not to have him in the room would have meant he’d have missed seeing one child before they were taken to the NNU.

Loopytiles · 04/04/2019 16:39

Solely your decision.

DIZZYTIGGER87 · 04/04/2019 16:40

I never actually got to labour as ended up with an emcs, However only DH was going to be with me. Both of us feel sorry that I had to have GA for the cs (anxiety and panic issues) as neither of us were really "present" when DS was born

However looking back, I suspect that I may have been soliciting help from the mw to kill and dispose of his body because of the way he couldn't stop making jokes...🙄

SoHotADragonRetired · 04/04/2019 16:53

I don't think being present at birth will stop a decent man from being sexually attracted to you or change how he feels about you in a bad way.

Yes, birth is a messy, bloody and often quite literally shitty business, but so is life - if we are lucky enough to be together "til death do us part" there are going to be bits that nobody puts on a Hallmark card. There is huge strength and comfort in being able to be there for each other and a relationship based on the lie that neither of you have embarrassing, weird, ageing bodies doesn't sound like the best of ones anyway.

DH and I have talked about his experience of watching me give birth because I was curious about what it was like for him - it put him in genuine awe of me and what I'd done.

I said upthread it's your call and I 100% mean that. But what I want to challenge is the often not so subtle undercurrent around how men's delicate sensibilities need to be protected from the horrors of birth and how they can't be expected to be attracted to you any more once they've seen it. It's bollocks that does injustice to both women and good men.

Orangedaisy · 04/04/2019 17:00

This is quite rightly a very serious thread. But to lighten it slightly my DP saw me as a total superhero after witnessing me give birth and basically worshipped me for a good fortnight afterwards - it was fab! He’s a star who would have been brilliant anyway but the awe he had in me and the birthing process surprised us both.

Ginger1982 · 04/04/2019 17:04

Whilst you are obviously the most important person in this situation, I think it would be awful to exclude a loving, caring husband from an amazing experience. He's seen you naked loads of times before presumably and he can always stay at your head. If I was him I would be so incredibly hurt.

MissBartlettsconscience · 04/04/2019 17:07

My mum was supposed to be my birth partner. She ended up arriving late and having to leave the room because it was all so disgusting (while my legs were akimbo - I was being stitched). She then tried to pinch my toast because she'd had to get up early.

I hadn't planned for DH to be there throughout but he was awesome. From choice he stayed at my head end, but he was an absolute rock.

I wouldn't have guessed they'd be that way round.

LaPopie · 04/04/2019 17:10

For my first two labours DH ended up arriving just for the birth so for the third actually really struggled seeing me in labour. Tbh though I see birth almost like having a (very lovely) poo and would rather no one be there and just go off into a dark corner and do it quietly. DH did really want to be there though and I didn't feel it was fair to deny him that. With my first I ended up being seriously unwell so DH was the first to hold him and also feed him (after a fight with a midwife who wanted to). Although it was v scary for him to see it turn into a big emergency for both DC and I it would have been even scarier for him to not be in there -how would you and he feel should similar happen?

blackcat86 · 04/04/2019 17:12

You need to do what is right for you. After DD I've realised its unfair to expect DH to be the perfect birth partner. I wouldn't have denied him seeing his child's birth but I would hire a doula next time to support me. He can see his child being born but he was an anxious one somewhat shit birth partner and it's only now I'm trying to recover from a traumatic birth that I can acknowledge that I'm entitled to the support I need to which may need to come externally.

Celebelly · 04/04/2019 17:13

@SoHotADragonRetired Brilliant post. I too have problems with the idea of protecting partners from seeing birth. My partner has seen me throwing up (and cleaned up when I was so ill and sick on the bed), on the operating table, he's inspected my nether regions, my section scar... and I would do the same for him and not find him any less attractive. I think it's quite a troubling idea that a loving partner you've chosen to have a child with might be 'put off' your body or off sex by the sight of you bringing your shared child into the world!

shiningstar2 · 04/04/2019 17:15

Entirely your decision op. I had my husband with me way back in 1975. I think most women were choosing to have oh's there at that time but it was still quite new and my mil tried to persuade me against it. Kept talking about how wonderful it was to be sitting up in bed, looking happy with baby in arms when husband eventually comes to visit.

I have to say it was amazing having him there and as other's have said, it meant he realized what my body had done and he was great at taking care of me afterwards. I am really glad that is the choice I made because we only had the one child so he could never have experienced a birth of his own child another time.

You have to go with what you feel is best op. You could stipulate that he can come in but not at the business end if you could bear that. Don't forget you can change your mind at any time. It doesn't have to be cut and dried. You could send for him if you change your mind or ask him to leave if you start with him in and change your mind. Good luck with whatever you decide.

Ginger1982 · 04/04/2019 17:49

Agree Celebelly. This is the person you would want to care for you if you had a terminal, debilitating, horrendous illness so why wouldn't you want them there when you give birth?

TheVanguardSix · 04/04/2019 17:58

You are how you are and it sounds like your loving DH understands this about you. He doesn't have to be in the room on the say-so of others. He should be there if you want him there. And it is ok if you don't want him there. He understands you more than anyone else.

Though I'd have him hold he baby straight after delivery. In your case, I'd be ensuring he's the first to hold his son or daughter, if possible. You are in this together and he can be reminded of this in other ways.

TheVanguardSix · 04/04/2019 18:01

OP, keep in mind that your body's purpose is not solely to be your DH's temple of desire. We do shit, puke, and fart. It is ok for him to see a baby come out of you. He will think you're amazing (even if, like my DH, he's not great at showing it at the time because it's all bells and whistles). Love is taking the rough with the smooth, OP.

LL83 · 04/04/2019 18:04

If you are so self conscious giving birth in front of mum/midwife/doctor will be just as awkward as dh. I fully expect you wont care when the time comes (and he can stay at your head if that is your preference) but I think it would be unfair for your mum to meet baby before dh and likely to be something you regret.

I had a night shirt on the whole time and dh stayed at my head as I needed his support, he went for a look as baby arriving but could easily skip that if you are uncomfortable.

Stroan · 04/04/2019 18:06

DH stayed firmly at the head end during DDs birth and saw nothing particularly interesting, although he does think I am a superhero.

He played an incredibly big part in the birth though, he supported me, encouraged me and advocated for my wishes at all times. I wouldn't have been comfortable with just strangers there.

Flip

1 2 3