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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

Birth partners - Husband...wait outside during labour?

63 replies

JessicaMary87 · 04/04/2019 13:25

Hello!

I always value your feedback and wanted to ask if anyone had their mum with them during labour instead of partners? Lots of my friends and family are being quite opinionated and a bit judgmental about my not wanting my husband in the room and feel I’m depriving him of an experience. What are your thoughts? Did anyone else feel very anxious about their partners seeing them in that way? I’m quite a self conscious person and would hate to be in a position where I don’t feel comfortable at such a crucial moment because I’m under pressure to keep everyone happy. I've been told I’ll feel different once it happens but...I can barely get undressed in front of the man let alone legs akimbo!

Thanks so much

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crosstalk · 04/04/2019 20:14

OP talk to your husband about the whole thing and explain your feelings. I know some husbands who've felt sidelined by mothers and MILs being in the birth room instead of or alongside them. If you explain properly either he can totally agree (and might do) or just be at the head end. If it's a long labour, your ma might want someone to alternate with anyway. Just don't exclude him without a very long chat.

NickyNora · 04/04/2019 20:30

Personally my dp was pretty useless during all my labours & births.

He didn't look after me or our dc after i gave birth. With hindsight, i wish i had hired a doula.

Do what you feel comfortable with.

Best of luck.

Newyearnewunicorn · 04/04/2019 20:36

Teddy45 is right in labour you need someone to advocate for you if you can’t. If he can do that for you then I would take him, if he’s not going to be able to do that and your mother can take her. Don’t worry what other people think, pregnancy, labour, the baby stage, the toddler stage every man and their dog will have an opinion on it.

Cliffdonville · 04/04/2019 20:52

I had my my mum with me, DH is great but I know he would have hated every second.
We had a talk about it, and he was fine as long as he could see the baby as soon as possible. It worked well for us, and I think you should do whatever makes you comfortable.

PBobs · 04/04/2019 22:59

I plan on having my DH there. He is cool and calm and so caring. Even if he just holds my hand I'd feel better about the whole thing. My dad wasn't allowed in at my birth - old school health system where and when I was born - but it didn't affect their relationship or my relationship with my dad. Mum just went it alone with nurses and midwives. That said, my most beautiful memory of my parents is from when I was 6 or 7. Mum had to have a full mastectomy and lymph removal. We were at home and their bedroom door was slightly ajar and I walked past and glanced in and dad was changing her dressings. And to this day the look of love and care that he had for her really stays with me as a sign of what comfortable love and marriage should look like. He isn't great with blood or people in pain. He can't watch films about sick children and doesn't like films about sick adults but reflecting on that moment I realise it's not because he's squeamish or uncomfortable around these issues, it's just because he cares so much. Sorry that's rambling. It's just to say please speak to your DH about this. Perhaps talking about it more would change your comfort levels.

JustAWaferThinMint · 04/04/2019 23:06

My view was he was the one who got me pregnant, he could blooming help get me unpregnant again!

Justus22 · 04/04/2019 23:57

It's up to you, everyone is different and if you're both happy then that's great. Personally I don't get it and I too am a self conscious sort of person but the safe arrival of baby and sharing the birth of our children with my husband was more important to me and the pain was so terrific I couldn't focus on anything like that regardless. I did refuse to go in the all fours position though when midwife tried to get me to as that really would've made me feel uncomfortable and over exposed. My DH in the main stays holding my hand/rubbing my back and no where near the other end until midwife asks if he wants to see the head, he peaks quickly but I guess you could say no to this if you didn't feel OK about it. Other than that he doesn't have to see you undressed. He really will have seen more when getting you pregnant and I would be more shy around my mum. My husband would've been devestated to not be there and was very open that he felt it should be us and no one else at the birth and I agreed so we never had an issue. I don't think it'll affect his bond with the baby though if he isn't there but if he's not truly OK with it I imagine it's something that will stay with him a long time, the birth of your child is a big thing to miss. X

RingOfAppreciation · 05/04/2019 09:50

Op it’s totally up to you what you decide to do, but if you have even a fleeting thought that you might regret it later on, let him be there. Not everyone labours naked with legs akimbo!

In my case, it was a given that my husband was going to be there - there was no way I would have stopped him from being in the room the moment we went from a couple to a family of three; I also knew that if my mum had been there and had something gone wrong she would have panicked and worried and it would have shown on her face, whereas my husband would have stayed calm (at least he wouldn’t have shown me).

I personally was so in the zone when it came to pushing that everything fell away from my mind but getting the baby out. I couldn’t really hear the midwife or my husband tbh and if you’d told me that they had left the room at any point, or that 10 extra people came in I’d have believed it! You may have a similar experience, or you may be really aware of everyone and everything around you - no one can say what it will be like for you.

kgeal3 · 05/04/2019 19:00

You could possibly have both in the delivery room? You could see if your Husband is happy to stay up with your head rather than looking down there. I had two birthing partners, most hospitals allow 2 I think

CoffeeDeprivation · 05/04/2019 19:39

I think that if he wants to be there, he will remember that he missed it out, not sure he will get over it. Can you not have him in the room but next to you? As in not going down to the end?

justasking111 · 05/04/2019 19:48

Mine always stayed at the head end. He was invaluable for watching out for me when things went a bit awry. The midwives were popping in and out to see to other mums. He was there for all three babies thank goodness. It can get boring for them. So make sure he has something to read/do.

The third one when I said I was pushing and they disagreed, he said to the midwife if she says she is pushing then she is bless him.

Februaryblooms · 05/04/2019 23:25

I'm extremely self conscious too OP, ridiculously so. I can assure you from experience that when you're in the throes of labour all of that will go out of the window and you simply won't care.

Don't rule it out just yet, leave yourself open until the time comes at which point you can always stick with your original plan.

Mrsmummy90 · 06/04/2019 00:19

I agree with @Bambamber. I was very much aware of my surroundings and cared about what was happening.

I wanted only my husband and would never in a million years have had my mum there.
Completely depends on who you're comfortable with and who you feel will be the best support.

The only time I asked my husband to leave the room was when they made me pee in a bedpan! I literally told everyone (including the midwife) to get out.

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