To ask if you had it all "sorted" when you decided it was time for a baby?

[Marghe87]

My husband and I are on our 30s, with stable and decently paid jobs (although we are well far from 6 figures salaries) but don't own a house yet. We live and work in London (well, we live in the outskirts of London but property prices in the SE are ridiculous all around the city) and are nowhere near being able to put down a deposit for a house. We do have a bit of savings though and just don't want to continue wait for "the perfect time" as it might take us years before we have it all sorted and by then I will be on my late 30s and my husband well on his 40s.

Do you think we are silly to think we should just go for it and have a family right now?

There is no perfect time....if you wait for that you’ll never have children! I had DC1 at 17....far, far from ‘perfect’ timing but we (me and her) made it work and I now have a 19 year old at uni who is the most wonderful, caring, intelligent, beautiful girl in the world (I’m biased I know!) basically what I’m trying to say is if you’re ready for children, go for it or you’ll be waiting for the right time forever x

You know when you are ready. My DO and I planned our baby when we live in a tiny, 1 bed flat and didn't have savings. We made it work though and are waiting to move. Yes, we probably should have waited but it was the right time in our relationship and we knew we were ready. Plenty of people have babies and do fantastically in all sorts of situations.

Don't really know why I do this to myself but reading online posts (on mn especially!) and talking to colleagues sometimes and it seems that most people need to own a big house and massive car before even thinking about starting a family. Sometimes it makes me wonder if I am being too optimistic to think that we could make it even though we rent a small 2 bed flat and drive a 5 year old small car. It's like we are not "socially" ready. Sound very silly to say but do you ever get this feeling?

OP, I am a compulsive planner, I planned and sorted everything prior to trying to start a family. From that point on, nothing and I mean nothing went to plan. Ten years later we have a totally different life, a good one, but nothing like the one I had planned. Even if you think you have reached that perfect planned time, you probably haven't.

There isn't a perfect time. We started ttc when we had been together for 2 months. I was a student, he was working for minimum wage. I lived in a student flat. It was what we wanted though, we wanted a baby.
We ended up getting married the date we'd been together for 11 months, and 5 months after the wedding our baby was born. I know most would say it's too fast, being married and expecting a baby within less than a year of even knowing each other, but it was everything we wanted and we've never regretted it at all.

We didn’t but I now see why people do wait til everything’s in place and settled....

It has been a whirlwind as since dd was born we have moved to a completely new area, moved house twice, both got new jobs and still haven’t bought a house (neither do we earn much at all), and she’s only almost 2! It has been tough I’m not going to lie. I do see why people at least wait til they have some roots down first.

So my advice would be

• if you think you want to / will have to move out of London do it before baby is born!
• don’t change everything at once like we did!!

Ultimately though I would make the same decisions again. It got to a point where we were emotionally ready and the fear of leaving it too long to TTC and our chances demonising was more frightening to me than having a child now. If that makes sense. Good luck with whatever happens! You will make it work.

*diminishing not demonising!

Should have said we were in London too til we moved

@Marghe87 thats just ridiculous, some people don't even drive why do you need to own a house & car to have a baby? Don't tell people living in shacks 🤔

Hahahahahahaha, nope, not even close.
But , on the plus side, we were young, hopeful, energetic, and happy to go without.
The kids are grown now, and if I were to do it again, I'd have waited a few more years, but not many.
I don't think I would have ever felt ready enough.

Nooooope, dd1 was a .... surprise?! I was 20 and in uni

But I’m still with her dad and have been now for 11 years, we have a house, he has a job and we have a dd2 and a car, living the dream

If you are both committed to it and both feel ready (whatever ready is ) then it is the perfect timing. We are in a similar situation; renting a 2 bed council flat, saving for a deposit to buy a house, stable jobs. We now have a beautiful 4mo DD. All your child will care for is loving parent(s). If we all waited to be "socially ready", I think the human race would cease to exist

If you want a child, can look after them and are prepared for the total change to your life you are ready. Of course being financially stable is a benefit but owning a home and big car is not a prerequisite! Sadly you might not get pregnant straight away and if you wait it might be too late

Nope

As pp's have said, there's never a perfect time - there is always a good reason to wait.

Equally, whilst you can "plan" to have a child unfortunately they don't come like online grocery shopping with a confirmed delivery slot.

As such any planning beyond the intention to TTC is a bit futile until it happens.

Tbh the biggest changes we needed to make re: lifestyle wasn't when DS was born but rather the year before he started school.

That's when you really need to think about having everything sorted as moving/career changes after that are far more complex because you're juggling school admissions, after school child care, the fact they've made good friends at school etc.

I can see both sides to this. In many ways we were fortunate falling pregnant unplanned in our early 20s, being young and youthfully naive we didn't over think things and just played the hand we were dealt. We had our second by mid 20s and were in a "sorted" position by 30 (careers, home bought etc) so it all worked out ok without having to stress about it all (too much).

That said, buying a house after children isn't easy, it was only really possible for us when we were finished with the bulk of childcare which at its most was £1400 a month (part time!) then when we did buy it was a starter home to get us on the ladder, it's big enough but not ideal and we'll need to move by the time they are teenagers.

So if there is anyway you can come up with a plan to buy in the near distant future I would encourage you to push for that first (so long as you could afford the mortgage with childcare etc) if home ownership is just a pipe dream at the moment that isn't going to be possible yet then I would just go for the baby, unfortunately biology means there is a clock ticking and while home ownership is great to have sorted it isn't absolutely necessary for a family.

I actually don't think there is a "right" time to have a child. Yes being financially stable helps and the like.

I planned how I wanted things to go - me and DP would have both ideally progressed a bit further in our careers, we would have own house and gone on a few more holidays together etc. But then I fell pregnant unexpectedly and the plan went down the shitter to put it in words

I wouldn't change any of it for the world though and can't wait to meet our little boy soon.

I feel like we have things pretty much sorted! But we aren't on high salaries, decent but not high. Should I have waited until I was £10k more? Maybe. But we will make it work and you will too
You can buy a house later, you might decide you want to leave London after having children and so it will be easier for you to buy. Do what is right for you and your partner.

You don't need to own a house to have a baby. If you have somewhere to live then that's good enough.

I don't think there is ever a perfect time to have a baby. You just get on with it.

If you wait until it’s the perfect time you’ll be waiting forever. As long as the basics are in place, go for it.

@Marghe87 I always plan everything but then life happens in unexpected ways and I’ve learned to go with the flow as there was no other option!

I’d come out of a seven year relationship and met DH online six months later. We were having fun and then within four months we were pregnant and moved in together two months after that. It was a whirlwind and had ups and downs, but five years on we are due our second and whilst we don’t own our home (can’t find one just yet), we are financially stable and happy.

You can plan all day, but from experience life rarely happens how you’d expect it too.

To*

And to be honest OP, I'm not sure I know anyone whose "sorted"! We do the best we can and hope it's OK! 😀

No, we didn't. I don't think it's possible to have it all sorted, you do just have to go for it if you want them.

I don't know what you've been reading but most people I know live in a small house and drive a small car when they first have a baby. Babies don't take up a lot of room :) You end up getting the bigger car to accommodate them as your family grows.

Two things I'd add though - if you have anything which is likely to be a big financial drain planned, like starting a business or studying, or even something like a big trip/wedding, I'd recommend doing that first, and if you want to get a dog, either do it first or be prepared to postpone until the youngest is older than 4.

"Life is what happens while we're busy making other plans"

If you're of a religious persuasion

"If you want to make God laugh, tell him your plans"

I had dd at 28, had been married 6 years and we'd started trying for a family 5 years earlier. We were both in secure jobs, on decent wages and I had a decent maternity package available, no house bought as ex was army and no real need as we were happy in army quarters as many are, but we had savings and a decent car bought cash, no debts so financially stable.

A variety of health issues including a 2nd mc (1st was at 18 father different), ovarian torsion, endo DX surgery & treatment plus then dh was deployed 3 times in the time we were trying to achieve that.

Other friends/family have variously had pregnancies/babies turn up earlier than planned inc in teens, or fertility issues, mc and stillbirths or other health issues which made getting pregnant a bad idea or difficult...

Some sadly were unable to become parents.

As pp are saying there is no perfect time, certainly not financially, among friends/family again there's been really unexpected redundancies/employers going bust, global financial crises messing folk up, either parent becoming sick/disabled and unable to work, children born or becoming sick/disabled so that at least one parent needs to be a full time carer, parents becoming sick/disabled and needing carers...

You never know what's around the corner, so you plan as best as possible but live based on likely outcomes eg much as on mn there's loads of support for older mums/pregnancies but the reality is that a woman's not only fertility but ability to support a healthy pregnancy declines with age particularly after 35, as do mens but more slowly/less markedly. It may not be a popular view but it's biological fact.

Plus people that haven't been parents/pregnant previously cannot know for certain if they're fertile/able to support a healthy pregnancy until they try to anyway.

@Userisi :
the thing is that realistically, it would still take us at least 2-3 years of hardcore savings before we are even able to consider buying a property in the SE. And I will be 35 and my husband 42 by then. A bit late to starting thinking about having a 1st child and also, I feel we have reached the point where waiting is no longer something we want to do really, not years before starting to TTC.

Unless we win the lottery, it will be impossible for us to buy before child goes to school as we wouldn't be able to save a single penny whilst paying for full time childcare (around £1750 per month). So chances are we will have to face the horrible "moving your child whilst at school age" thing anyway.
Everything sounds so incredibly complex when I think about it all it makes me wonder whether it's all worth it.

(It is, I know)