To ask if you had it all "sorted" when you decided it was time for a baby?

[Marghe87]

My husband and I are on our 30s, with stable and decently paid jobs (although we are well far from 6 figures salaries) but don't own a house yet. We live and work in London (well, we live in the outskirts of London but property prices in the SE are ridiculous all around the city) and are nowhere near being able to put down a deposit for a house. We do have a bit of savings though and just don't want to continue wait for "the perfect time" as it might take us years before we have it all sorted and by then I will be on my late 30s and my husband well on his 40s.

Do you think we are silly to think we should just go for it and have a family right now?

My gran said
"It's not about whether you want a baby. Is about whether you want to bring a new live into this world"

That made us realise, we'll have this family for ever, so the pressure on this year/ next year lifted- and we started the family soon after

None of mine where perfect timing 😂 1st I was 16, 2nd I was 23,3rd I was 25. We don't own a house and it's not really in the plan to own a house. OH has a decent job and I've got great support. It work out really well for us though. Do it if it feels right

Im 22 , partners 26 , we started trying for a baby when we were renting out a room. When I fell pregnant we bought a small 2 bed flat. Once baby was here we only had a smal 3 door car but eventually bought a 5 door. :) all worked out for us

There’s an old joke that goes “How do you make God laugh? Tell Him your plans!”
OP, you can plan and prepare all you like, but then life intervenes and throws you a series of curve balls.
I waited until I was 33 and had a house and career as a hospital doctor. Future all sorted, yes?
No. My contract was terminated when I announced the pregnancy.
I had a second baby 16 months after the first.
Then DH died suddenly of a brain haemorrhage, before that baby’s first birthday. So much for plans- I was left as a widowed single parent at 35, of two babies still in nappies.
But you know what? I raised them alone, got my job back on a higher grade and am now retired, with two lovely graduate daughters who are both home owners in good jobs.
What I’m saying is, you have no idea what life has in store for you. Have your kids whenever you want to - there is no “right time”.

In one year:
DD was born
We moved 1000s of miles away to a foreign country
Both started new jobs
Rented out our old house
Bought a new flat

No one has it all figured out! When I got pregnant we had no idea that all of the above would be on the cards. If you feel emotionally ready and have the financial means to feed and clothe a baby I’d say go for it.

@Marghe87

It sounds like you've answered your own question with that post. Money can always come one way or another, but your fertile stage is here once. It sounds like you are very keen to start, so if owning isn't possible right now I would just make sure you're happy with everything else- is your rental a good size, is the rent affordable, perhaps look at how and when you could buy even if 10+ years down the line so you can feel more secure about retirement etc. I say that as someone who is a planner, I also believe you can just have a baby and things will work out because they have to! We have bought post kids but as I say will still be in the position of having to move school aged children as our house is not a forever home, but that's just life, I know very few families that live in one house all their life and kids generally are very adaptable.

If you're at a reasonable financial stage which it sounds like you are, sometimes you've just got to let your heart take over.

Thank you all for sharing all your stories. I feel silly feeling so worried about everything when I read the stuff some of you had to go through.
I am usually a fairly positive person but this baby thing is really making me worry and overthink so much.

I am away from my home country and we don't have family support here in the UK but stuck in the London surroundings for our jobs.

I do think if everything goes well we will be able to own one day, just not before child(ren?) will be at school as our salaries are just enough to cover all the basics + full time childcare - there'll be no room for more savings for a few years when nursery fees kick in!

I just always imagined I'd have it all sorted... better careers, owning a house etc.

@Marghe87 unfortunately house prices, particularly in the SE, are making that less and less of a reality because our biology can't change to match it, I doubt you will be in a minority, you just need a roof over your heads. Don't fret, enjoy it, it's a special time.

We waited until what we thought was the 'perfect' time. House bought, good jobs, savings to cover mat leave. Couldn't get pregnant after 3 years of trying. I do often wonder what would have happened if we had started TTC sooner. We'll never know of course but I wouldn't wait.

I usually go from "we totally have this, let's do it, we will make it work brilliantly" to "that couple we know earns 80K more than we do, own a house, have more savings, a better lifestyle and they still feel it'd be a struggle, what do we think we are doing?".

I wish I didn't compare myself to others as much as I do.

The thing is that everyone finds it a struggle sometimes. Irrespective of how much you earn or how big your house is, the truth is that children are not always easy! It is, in my opinion, definitely worth it though.

We most definitely do not have it sorted. We live in a 2 bed flat, have a 2 year old and I'm pregnant (planned). No garden and up 3 flights of stairs with no lift. But you know what, DD doesn't care. And neither will a baby. They don't know any different. Our kids are loved to death and that's the most important thing.

We are trying to sell our shared ownership flat but it's not going well so I'm fully prepared to have baby in our room for a couple of years!

Don’t wait for a house at your age. When you get to 35 you classed as an older mother and pregnancy and birth is more risky.

DH and I are in a holding pattern right now. We've discussed that if I were to fall pregnant now, we'd go for it, but I'm keeping my copper coil in place for now.

We're in the south with plans to return to Scotland. My family are abroad and we don't have a local support network of any kind besides each other. Up north I have people I can rely on... So I'd have people to call if I were going bonkers. Ideally we'll be able to buy property quickly, but for me it's all about being back where I have people before I have the baby..

Not to scare you, but you never know what will happen. We started trying nearly six years ago and i'm still not pregnant. I was 24 and thought it would happen easily. It didn't, i'm now thirty and still waiting. Don't get to 35 and find it takes you another five to get pregnant.

@pisspawpatrol good luck, I hope it happens soon for you! x

I agree with PP that there's no perfect time. But if you feel ready to have children, do it! They're amazing and there's nothing in the world like it.

My partner and I were both in good positions when we met, 6 months later found out I was pregnant and didn't have a clue what to do (I was only 22 at the time and only been with him a short period). I demoted myself to be nearer to family and DP. Still in a comfortable position, but I'm glad I took a step back to concentrate on our family and now, 4 weeks off having our 2nd DS! Never been happier 💗

Me too! thanks.

Nope. Child was unplanned at 33.
We had a house, but that was the case anyway. We weren't having any children.

We didn't have everything sorted, no. We still don't own and don't drive but have 2 beautiful children! We did however have shared values, attitudes to money, opinions on child rearing/parenting that have stood us in good stead. Some of my friends are financially much more secure but struggle far more with parenting because it has turned out that their expectations and priorities differ more than they thought.

No we didn't have everything sorted. But, we do have a happy family. Don't put so much pressure on yourself to have everything perfect. Try winging it for a while. It's fun!

No. We are definitely not sorted.
I'm 41 and DH nearly 46. We met at 35 and 40.

We've had a hell of a time of it over the past 6 years. We have had to move house 4 times (mainly relocation), DH had a business failure and had to declare bankrupt, he then got made redundant a couple of years into working. His best friend/business partner committed suicide.

Financially we aren't in the worst shape now, we have joint income of circa £85k so hardly broke, and can cover all of our bills, but we have practically zero savings.

We do have job security now (well mine always was - but his is now too) and a small affordable mortgage plus a BTL so in that sense we are ok.
But it's not ideal as we are having to scrape through mat leave and childcare is going to be hard for a few years as we have nothing to fall back on as outgoings were super high for quite a while.

I'm pregnant, 15+6. But it was now or never for us - we did not have time to wait.
On the flip side having survived all of this trauma we know our relationship is super strong.

OP - your circumstances sound fine. Renting in London is not unusual and it is not the be all and end all to own. It comes down to how strong you are as a couple I think, much more important than a mortgage.

it seems that most people need to own a big house and massive car before even thinking about starting a family

In my (London) experience its the opposite and usually ends up with the couple having a baby and then a while later moving out to zone 6/Surrey/Kent/Herts even Reading OR “home” where a three bed won’t cost 700k, the local school isnt sink/hideously oversubscribed and you have a driveway/parking space that you can rely on.

Biology doesn’t care about whether you rent or own. Just go for it as long as you are both on the same page. The rest will follow x

@Kennehora "boden-perfect" really describes how many people feel :D