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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

To ask if you had it all "sorted" when you decided it was time for a baby?

94 replies

Marghe87 · 27/03/2019 13:38

My husband and I are on our 30s, with stable and decently paid jobs (although we are well far from 6 figures salaries) but don't own a house yet. We live and work in London (well, we live in the outskirts of London but property prices in the SE are ridiculous all around the city) and are nowhere near being able to put down a deposit for a house. We do have a bit of savings though and just don't want to continue wait for "the perfect time" as it might take us years before we have it all sorted and by then I will be on my late 30s and my husband well on his 40s.

Do you think we are silly to think we should just go for it and have a family right now?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

loveskaka · 27/03/2019 17:30

There's never a right time, having a baby is a massive change. I say just go for it and deal with things as they come. I have been with my oh for 13yrs and we had a baby 15months ago and bought our first house 11months ago when ds was 4months old. He was also premature which threw another spanner in works but it all fell into place. Now I am sitting here with my ds eating his dinner and couldn't be happier.

Newyearsameoldshit · 27/03/2019 17:50

I echo everyone else who says there is no perfect time to start a family.
If you wait till you can buy a house in the SE you might be waiting for ever, I have no regrets starting our family while we were renting.

SenoraSurf · 27/03/2019 19:06

We waited till I secured enhanced maternity pay (6 weeks full, 12 weeks 1/2 and the rest as SMP).
We don't have any savings as such but have stable jobs and own our own home.

Baconcob · 27/03/2019 19:11

There is no perfect time. When we had our first we were living in a rented flat in London. You don’t need to own a house before having a baby, the baby won’t care that’s for sure.

itstrue · 27/03/2019 19:41

Yes we did have everything sorted.

Met at 20, married at 25, travelled at 27, first baby at 30. Had good jobs and a house with a buy to let at that stage.

But I believe it was down to luck not good planning. I happened to meet the man I wanted to spend my life with early and he wasn't abusive or anything like that. Any number of things could of happened and then I/we wouldn't have been sorted.

At 35 I'd start ttc. Realistically you don't have time to get your self 'sorted' to a position you think is desirable and in relativity is not needed.

You will regret not having a baby far more than not buying a house.

OhTheRoses · 27/03/2019 19:48

Yes we did. But we are both rather serious and are both planners and savers. Had a family house in London. DH could cover our living costs woth me as a sahm. Married at 32, had ds at 35, wanted 3 or 4. But unplanned fertility issues meant we had two and lost two in the 2nd trimester and one in the third.

We are, however, old and it was possible 25/30 years ago. Nothing like as easy now.

RosiePosies · 27/03/2019 19:51

I fell pregnant at the absolute WORST time. I'd just been made redundant and we were struggling in lots of ways. However, I'm 38 weeks pregnant on Saturday and I honestly just cannot imagine our life any different, it's the best thing we've ever done and I would never go back and change things. Things have just slotted into place and we just cut according to our cloth.

ApplestheHare · 27/03/2019 19:53

There is no right time and, sadly, you won't choose the time anyway unless you're lucky.

We were lucky with DD1 and conceived quickly but I'm 34 weeks with DD2 now and it's over 2 years since we decided to have another child due to time taken to conceive and a miscarriage. If you know you want children I wouldn't wait until your late 30s if you can avoid it. Nobody has everything sorted before having a child, no matter how well they plan. Good luck with it all

RMogs · 27/03/2019 19:55

We thought we did, but then DH went off sick and was off for 7 months (almost all the pregnancy) and my pregnancy went High Risk, so had to cut my hours, when I was able to go to work(not in hospital/on bed rest).

We managed. You do. We rent a small 2 bed house, but about to move into a caravan to hopefully save some money for deposit. We have to run 2 cars due to area we live (no public transport or local shops in walkable distance).

We are trying for number 2 which so far has been 10 months of nothing happening.

So as much as having all yours ducks in a row might be ideal, you manage with what you have, and work your budgets to suit your circumstances.

nos123 · 27/03/2019 19:56

I was in my last year of uni when I fell pregnant. We weren’t even living together! If you want the baby you can make it work but you won’t have the same luxuries as the people who ‘waited for the perfect time’ have. Personally, I’m glad I have my baby- even if we are broke and have a car that’s way too small!

CookieDoughKid · 27/03/2019 19:57

Don't wait . You never know how easy and fertile you will both be. It took my best friend 10 years after multiple fertility treatments and she remortgaged her house. My kids are late Primary school age now. I earn more now than I ever did after going back to work and I can now get a decent mortgage. Funny how things change because I never thought I'd be in this position. And feel I can enjoy luxury a bit more instead of head down changing nappies and clearing up mess!!

CookieDoughKid · 27/03/2019 19:58

The thing is. Even if I have very little money and there have been times like that, id been so glad to have my children anyway

NCKitten · 27/03/2019 20:01

I am convinced no one would ever have children if it were a rational decision It wouldn't pass a costs-benefits analysis in a million years!

We decided to go for it once we both had permanent contracts. We rent but are trying to save for a deposit. The only regret I have is not starting a family sooner! There will always be people in your NCT group with more money, ignore that! Get everything second-hand and only buy toys that will last a while - DS was given a baby gym and we got him a Bumbo seat on eBay. No need for fancy swings and Jumperoo type things. Breastfeed if you can, use cloth nappies and get clothes from the charity shop! Good luck

CloudPop · 27/03/2019 20:05

The most important thing is that you both feel the same way, are ready and committed to making it work. If you're in it together you'll make it work one way or another.

BertieBotts · 27/03/2019 20:09

If you want to compare yourself to others you're in a much more fortunate position than many choosing to have children. It doesn't make sense to make the comparisons in only one direction. But a great many people are on lower incomes, have large debts, have less secure housing, have no car at all, etc.

Also, by the time we had DS2 we were in a pretty good position on paper (although similar to yours in OP, perhaps a bit less?) but then over the next 6 months, we'd just taken a jump on a house move to a 3 bed place, then been unexpectedly turned down for a loan due to DH being off work with an injury the year before (didn't occur to us it would affect that, but it counted as 0 pay despite the fact he was getting full pay - health insurance quirk, not UK) so blew through all our savings and then FIL became very suddenly ill and died, causing us to blow through all our overdrafts trying and failing to get home in time and then paying for the funeral, to sort things for MIL, etc.

Kennehora · 27/03/2019 20:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OhTheRoses · 27/03/2019 21:16

I just thought they were a bunch of wankers because they and the nct teacher all wanted to avoid reasonable pain relief for something that hurt. I asked why anyone would refuse an epidural if they could avoid the greatest pain suffered by women. Anyone would have thought I was the antichrist. Especially when I retorted that people didn't have theor legs cut off without anaesthetic anymore.

However, at the end of the day they too all had very difficult births whereas I who expected nothing have never had stitches (had two epidurals though and tbf ds's birth was a bit traumatic).

I just couldn't get my head around the posh, lefty, jumpers knitted from lentils approach. It was all a bit precious and worthy.

I like clean, clinical, well trained and professional.

Userisi · 27/03/2019 21:29

@OhTheRoses well to be fair to the NCT lefties it's only to ensure women are informed that the more intervention the higher the risk can get, it's not like having a leg amputated, that is a man made process being managed by a surgeon, trying to manage a natural process like labour with the interference of pain relief can complicate matters and increases risks, women just need to be sure they are making an informed decision so they use the appropriate pain relief at the appropriate time. Unlike the American system of 3cm, on your back and epidural in, watch any episode of their OBEM and it's quickly evident how damaging that can be when used as the default, but then it suits the capitalist healthcare system they have there. (I appreciate I'm generalising!) but that's a bit of a derail lol....

Alarae · 27/03/2019 21:33

It was all going to plan... Until my OH stated he was being made redundant! Still, nothing is stopping me from getting my implant out next Friday to TTC.

Other than OH's job, we have ticked off the boxes. Have a house (forever one, having moved again recently), married and I have a job with a 'better than statutory maternity' pay.

I did consider delaying TTC until OH got a job but I can support us both on my wage alone, and I expect he would get a job in the next couple of months regardless (even if it is agency to bring a wage in).

If you don't think you will achieve what you want in a short time frame however I think you should just go for it. You can tick things off after.

lovinglifexo · 27/03/2019 21:37

@happymummy12345

You are joking right?

how silly

ijustdontunderstandher · 27/03/2019 21:37

There’s never going to be a right time. I had my first DS at 17 and that was in now way the right time, but DH and I pulled through and made it the right time. With our youngest we had everything planned, we had a house, our eldest 3 all settled and enough money and I can honestly say having him was harder than any of the other 3 who were unplanned.

OhTheRoses · 27/03/2019 21:42

Surely userisi informed choice is not based upon one single view that pain relief and intervention should be avoided at all costs.

There is increasing evidence that anal weakness, prolapse, rectocele, urinary incontinence, faecal incontinence are significantly increased after instrumental births. Are those representative of your version of well informed, evidence based knowledge?

I know two women who suffered prolapse after ignoring medical advice to have c sections due to large babies and previous caesarean due to the nct mantra of natural birth and feeling like a "real" woman.

Hollowvictory · 27/03/2019 21:46

Everything was sorted but it then took 5 years of ivf to get pg. However once you have kids childcare is v expensive (especially in London) and so could impact on your ability to save a deposit for your own place and you'd be at the whim of landlords. Have you worked out the finan for both mat leave and paying for childcare?

Userisi · 27/03/2019 21:47

@OhTheRoses I can't really comment as that wasn't my experience of NCT at all, they talked us through what would happen in a c section should we need one, no indoctrination about not having one. All the pain relief options were explained, alongside the risks, and I very much knew that I needed to work my way up the pain relief options based on how my labour progressed and that it was best to try to do it as natural as possible IF me and the baby were coping and progressing well, not at all costs.

FuzzyShadowChatter · 27/03/2019 22:19

Not in the slightest. I found out our first was on his way during the wait for my marriage visa (I tried not to panic about what if I didn't get it) and our home was a bedsit with a 'roid raging neighbour. I spent pretty much my entire pregnancy working on finding someone to move.

I had been told some months prior that there was a high chance I would lose my fertility young, mid-twenties was the estimate (and pretty much became the reality), so I basically had to have the 'do we want to have kids because if we do, it will need to be sooner rather than later, much sooner' conversation which was hard and those first few years were really hard, and other than the kids and the marriage nothing has really gone to the plan we had then, but really it's worked out really well so far. I'm really happy with my life even without having been able to buy a house yet and our career plans changed.

I don't think it's silly to want things as ideal and situated as possible. Most want the best for their kids. The ideal has to be balanced with reality, some can wait and do more than others. Everyone has to look at their reality and figure out what they'll be happy with and what is likely to happen. Only the people involved can weight the risks and benefits.

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