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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

We've been trying for a baby but now I'm pregnant DP is freaking out!

94 replies

Hopelessandworried · 18/03/2019 08:56

Hi all,
My DP and I have been trying for a baby for about a year now.

I found out this morning I'm pregnant! I was so elated I ran straight to our bedroom to tell him and his first response was "Oh shit was will my parents say?!"

We are both in our late 20s and have been living together for 2 years.

He's now running around our flat like a headless chicken trying to work out how he's gonna tell his mum and dad and that they're gonna be so disappointed etc.

I feel like I've been stabbed in the chest.

It was his idea to start for a baby, I agreed with him but he suggested it. Now he's making it seem like we're a couple of 16 year olds who made a mistake.

Any advice on what I should do?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

PatriciaHolm · 18/03/2019 13:52

I'd be rather concerned about what else he's been saying to his parents; it sounds like the reaction parents would have if they thought he was unhappy in his relationship, for example. Have they been off with you recently at all?

Original poster

Hopelessandworried · 18/03/2019 13:54

That's always been an issue in the relationship anyway tbh - his mum.
For example..
She convinced him not to propose to me because "it's not the right time, you hardly know eachother" (we'd just come back from holiday to celebrate us being together for 2 years) and he usually sides with her not me.

I can't be more than 4/5 weeks as I took a pregnancy test a month ago and it was negative.

He does have a day off work today btw but now I guess after seeing his parents he's gone in?

I've just had a phone call from his mum which was pretty upsetting.
Her first words to me were "I suppose a congratulations is in order."

This would be their first grandchild and they're both in their late 60s.

I'm just so confused rn.

OP posts:

FrozenMargarita17 · 18/03/2019 13:55

I would tell him you will speak to him when he has grown up. And don't speak to his mother. She has no say in any of this.

gamerchick · 18/03/2019 13:55

I hope you told her this wasn't an accident and was his idea? If you haven't then you should.

merdde · 18/03/2019 13:58

Honestly I wouldn't want a lifelong commitment to this family. It'll only get worse when the baby arrives.

Motherofcreek · 18/03/2019 13:59

hopeless can you go and see your parents for comfort?

He is out of order and so is his mum. You’ve done nothing wrong and they both owe you an apology

Congratulations though

Gruzinkerbell1 · 18/03/2019 14:01

Wow. I’m sorry OP. It sounds like you already very much have a baby in your DP.

Is he usually supportive?

Congratulations on your pregnancy, I Hope you have some real life support around you

gamerchick · 18/03/2019 14:03

Sounds to me like he really wants to be a grown up but can't help wanting his mother's approval first. Think you both need a good sit down talk because he's going to be a parent and needs to seperate himself from his mother. Time to grow up.

Arowana · 18/03/2019 14:04

It's normal for your DP to panic a little even though you've been TTC (as it suddenly becomes 'real') but his mum sounds like a meddling nightmare. She convinced him not to propose to you and he let her? Wtf?!

Weepingwillows12 · 18/03/2019 14:06

Okay this all changes what I said earlier. His priority seems to be his mum not you. How dare he rush straight out to them, tell them without consulting you. Needing some space to process things is different entirely to rushing to your mum

afternoontwee · 18/03/2019 14:07

You need an ally right now - someone to support you and make you feel less alone. Can you call a friend or your parents for a chat?

My husband had a bit of a freak out when we found out, I overheard him talking to a friend on the phone and telling them he'd 'grudgingly accepted it' and that was enough to push me over the edge, so God knows what you must be going through right now. You poor thing.

Don't engage any further with his mum, if she is going to pass on stuff like that to him (assumedly) knowing he'll tell you, she doesn't get to be part of this moment right now. I'd send him a calm message explaining how this is making you feel, that it isn't acceptable and that when he's decided to act like an adult you'll be willing to talk it through. Then go take yourself off to the cinema or have a nice treat afternoon to yourself.

ijustdontunderstandher · 18/03/2019 14:07

When he gets home have a good talking to him about his behaviour. Your baby was planned, you’ve been together for a usual amount of time and there’s no need for her to act this way. My parents didn’t even act this way when I got pregnant at 16!. He needs to grow up if he’s going to become a father and learn to stand up to his mother

PCohle · 18/03/2019 14:07

Did you even agree to him sharing the news with his parents?

His mother should buck up her ideas if she wants to have a meaningful relationship with her first grandchild.

cloudymelonade · 18/03/2019 14:09

Congratulations!

But your DP is behaving like a knob. He is showing absolutely 0 regard for your feelings in this, you need to get him told that his reaction is completely unacceptable.

Yes, a lot of men do freak out a bit. When I told my now DH I was pregnant, he had about 3 days of barely saying a word and pacing around a lot but we talked it through and now with 6 weeks to go until the due date, I can't imagine life any other way. If he had been that disrespectful to me and my feelings, the story would be very different.

FrozenMargarita17 · 18/03/2019 14:12

What @merdde said

Megan2018 · 18/03/2019 14:14

Did you agree to him telling people so soon? It is very odd to tell people the minute you get a positive - even family.

This all sounds very off OP - I'd be ready to be doing this solo I think! He sounds in no way ready for parenthood at all. What a prick!

My DH was completely shocked at my BFP and I was slightly upset by it - but it was a massive shock as we are older first timers and I think he genuinely didn't think we stood a chance. A few days in he was fine though - but he didn't run off to tell him mum!

Stuckforthefourthtime · 18/03/2019 14:15

Congratulations!! Am sure he'll come around.

In any case, assuming that he's the higher earner and you'll be taking mat leave, please please please get married! Not because of anything about babies being born in wedlock (you don't even need to tell anyone) but because it will protect you in the unexpected case that anything happens to him or to your relationship. Just do a search for the many many past threads on here about women who have had babies to their DPs and realise they have zero legal protection.

ShakeYourTailFeathers · 18/03/2019 14:20

he usually sides with her not me

Massive red flag there.

Sorry this isn't going the way you imagined OP {flowers]

Your DP needs a massive kick up the arse, and a reminder about who's the most important person in his life. And it's not his bloody mother.

PBobs · 18/03/2019 14:29

I take back everything I said. The man's a loser. I'd be in full on raging mode by now and telling him to do one back to his mummy whilst I decided what I wanted to do about the whole thing. What a shit show. I am so sorry OP.

BobIsNotYourUncle · 18/03/2019 14:30

Oh OP, he’s more concerned about his mum’s reaction than how you feel. I would be sending him a man the fuck up text, right now and you’re not interested in how the fuck his mum feels. This is about the two of you.

If he always takes her side than what on earth will it be like with a newborn.

Whatdoyouknowwhenyouknownowt · 18/03/2019 14:36

I wonder if it's a "you've trapped him now" conversation?

That's how my mum thinks, it's an inner misogynist mindset.

My MiL went into massively upset, row mode when we said we were getting married, after 5 years...same when we got a dog. God knows how a kid announcement would have gone down.

FutureMrsD · 18/03/2019 15:53

Congratulations!
Hope your partner comes to his senses x

Albamahanna · 18/03/2019 16:22

I've read your updates OP. It sounds like he cares more about his mums reaction than you. It's very strange. Why would his mum not be happy?

MumUnderTheMoon · 18/03/2019 16:44

I don't know what you want to get from this thread OP.
MN is full of threads about difficult MILs and things only seem to get worse after children are born. And you already say that he sides with his mum over you. In a good relationship a couple should alway support each other over the ILs because you have chosen each other and should continue to do so every time there is conflict with the ILs.
You are tying yourself to this man and his mother for the rest of your life by having a child. I hope he comes around but this doesn't seem like a good situation to be in.

Hubblebubbletripletrouble · 18/03/2019 16:47

Your boyfriend is acting like a real dick.

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