Unplanned first pregnancy, horrible timing & I’m terrified

[aubreystar]

Hi, this is my first post here and I feel a bit silly but I do hope someone can help me..

I’ve just found out I’m pregnant (clearblue says 3+ weeks but I’m not actually sure how many weeks I could be because I haven’t had a period in over a year). It’s come as a huge shock and I have so much backstory/complicated circumstances my head is spinning . I have no idea where to start with any of this and this will probably be a huge ramble but here goes..

I’m 26, in a relationship and I have a reasonable job with solid pay and benefits. My boyfriend and I have not been plain sailing. We were together for about 5 months, split for 4 (both pretty heartbroken), got back together 3 months ago, but even then it was rough for the first month (so much fighting..). He has a lot of past trauma physically and emotionally from his childhood and previous relationship so we have to work really hard at the little “normal” things people take for granted. He’s been doing incredibly well recently, recognised a need for professional help and he’s been much much happier (as have I!). The last month or so has been as pretty near to perfect as it gets for us.

He’s not the only one with difficulties. I have a life-long and fairly serious mental illness. I’ve been in and out of mental health services for 15 years. Finally got a correct diagnosis 4 years ago but to this day I’m in therapy to keep it manageable (I will say that I am doing very well at it currently, most people with my illness can’t work at all, and I work full time at a high pressure legal job), but I still struggle with a separate eating disorder (periods of heavy restriction & laxative abuse between short periods of regular eating when my boyfriend keeps me on track).

So between us, we have some significant mental health difficulties. Not only that, my boyfriend still lives at home with his parents (saving for a deposit), and earns minimum wage. I earn much more than than him, so down the line I would have to return to work full time (though god knows what we’d do about childcare). That’s even if he hung around when I eventually have to tell him..

And on top of that, I’ve recently been evicted and had to scramble to find a place I could afford to live and literally signed a 6 month lease a week ago (for a place that is fine for a single adult to live, but absolutely not with a baby).

Everything just feels all wrong timing wise. I’m terrified of telling my boyfriend because although he/we is/are doing well, it’s only very recent and fragile and a revelation of this magnitude could easily completely derail him and I can absolutely see myself having to face this alone.

To add even more to the pot; I was told a few years ago that i’d struggle to conceive naturally after damage was done to my uterus by a severe infection, so conceiving was always a worry for me and now it’s happened I’m completely terrified.

I can’t talk to my mum about this because she adores kids (I’m one of many many siblings) and absolutely can’t wait to be a grandma. I know she’ll react with excitement and it will crush her if I decide not to continue with this pregnancy. She had a termination nearly 40 years ago and she still gets upset about it.

.. on the subject, I also accompanied my friend to a termination when she was 11weeks pregnant and it was one of the most emotionally scarring things I’ve ever witnessed (I can’t imagine what it was like for her, my heart aches thinking about it).

This is so long and I’m so so sorry, I just needed to worry/word-vomit it all somewhere. As you can see, I’ve got a lot going on and I simply can’t make sense of it. My initial gut reaction is “this is all way too much at the wrong time, I can’t possibly continue this pregnancy” but there’s a little voice in my head reminding me that doctors told me there was such a small chance of this happening and how could I possibly throw that away

I'm sorry this has happened at this time OP.

Do you want this baby?

If you have an abortion and cannot conceive letter on, how will that be for you?

Ultimately those are the two main questions you need to answer. Is there anyone else in rl who you COULD talk to? Perhaps the friend you accompanied?

Either decision is fine, your mental wellbeing is vitally important and you have to do what is best for you.

If you want to go ahead with the pregnancy, perhaps get someone else to be around when you tl DP?

As PP said really.

Stay calm, you have some time to make sense of it all and come to a decision. Do try to talk to someone on rl if you can, this is a heavy burden to shoulder all by yourself. Virtual hugs from afar.

You need to process this nefore you make a decision. I was very upset when i found out i was pregnant with my son, i cried for weeks but now that hes here i couldnt imagine what id do without him. Our circumstances are quite different but i do know how it feels to be terrified of whats to come. For what its worth, i think you will be ok, you are stronger than you think and if you do decide to keep it everything will fall into place. If not, then there is no shame in that but you need to be surs that you wont regret it. You'll be in my thoughts ❤

I think you need to break it down into small steps. Firstly, see your gp to arrange a scan to see how far along you are and if the pregnancy is in the right place. Once it is confirmed, then speak with your boyfriend. Both of you would then need to speak to your appropriate mental health team to work out what to do for the best. Ultimately the decision lies with you as its your body, just get as much support and advice as you can.

I'm not sure where you are can't but here, unless you massively lied about your dates, you simply wouldn't get a scan that early. It's timed for 12 weeks
Not sure if a family planning clinic could help more?

Hi everyone,

Thank you so much for taking the time to reply to me, I really appreciate all your advice.

I’ve slept on it and I’m still no clearer. I made an emergency GP appointment for about an hours time, so i’ll see what they say. I don’t even know what the process is from here (I’m in the UK).

In any case, I won’t be able to keep it under wraps for very long, I’m very close to my family and they have sort of a sixth sense about me when things aren’t right (after years and years of mental health crises), and my boyfriend has messaged me this morning as usual and I felt so horrible and fraudulent replying like everything’s normal and fine. I’m rubbish with secrets.

I know for sure that if I had a termination now and then couldn’t conceive later, I would forever regret it. But at the same time there’s just so much uncertainty in my life right now.

I think I just need to work up the courage to tell someone.

Im in scotland and have had early scans with two of my five dc because of date issues. The OP hasnt had a period for a year, i would imagine they would want to establish how far along she is, as they will have no idea when she would be 12 weeks to scan her then anyways.

@aubreystar I'm so glad you've managed to get an appointment straight away! Getting it dated is the first step, then you will know where you are and can start figuring out what next. (@SleepingStandingUp as the OP hasn't had a period in a year she will be offered a scan urgently- she's clearly not 52 weeks pregnant, and without knowing how far along the pregnancy is, no other decisions can be made)
Can you get an urgent appointment with your MH team too? You sound supremely competent and good at spotting yourself wobble, which has got to be a good thing.
BPAS offers a non-biased counselling service, but you might be plugged into better support already (and if you do continue with the pregnancy, your area may have specialist MH midwives to support you too).
Good luck at the GP today!!!!

Okay I’m glad to hear I’ll probably be sent for an earlier scan, because truly I have no idea how far along I am. For the last 3 weeks I’ve had a strange light cramping/tugging sensation low down on the left side of my abdomen and this week my boobs have been really sore and I broke out in lots of those under-the-skin lumpy spots which hasn’t happened to me since I was a young teenager. I haven’t had any nausea though so I’m probably still quite early on?

I currently see a private therapist and I’m on a mental health skills education course for people with my particular illness. I could tell my therapist but I’m worried that under her duty of care she might be obligated to inform my next of kin (which is my dad, as he pays for my therapy, and Dad really really can’t know right now). It would be fairly easy based on my mental health history to be referred to the right place but where I am waiting lists are very very long. Will definitely have a look at BPAS, thank you.

Thank you for saying I seem competent, I really appreciate that. I’ve finally managed to get to a place where I’m managing my disorder really well and I’m good at spotting early warning signs of a rough patch, but sometimes I second guess myself and my progress, especially when I can’t handle bigger things that happen “perfectly”.

As you are an adult your therapists certainly can't go about informing your next of kin about anything! You have complete confidentiality! Please don't worry about that!

I understand why your head is spinning right now but please believe me when I say, you'll get through this. Just one step at a time. Please don't look so far into the future - it's just stressful and nobody can predict the future (as you've seen!) so there's no point.

It never feels like the "right" time to have a baby. But don't forget that pregnancies are long, almost a year, and as soon as you know how far along you are, you'll have a more accurate idea of how long you've got, and what the next steps are.

I think that much of what you post is how we all felt when we discovered we were pregnant. If your accommodation situation is stressful, could you move back in with your parents? How would that be? Would that work?

The OP hasnt had a period for a year, i would imagine they would want to establish how far along she is
Yes absolutely, sorry. I'd missed this bit.

Hi all,

So I went to the GP and honestly he didn’t tell me much that I didn’t already know. He felt my tummy and said he’s sure I’m under 6 weeks but he couldn’t narrow it down more than that. He ran me through the options of continuing/not continuing the pregnancy and what the next steps are. Then he basically said I’ve just got to go away and decide what I’m doing and made me an appointment for a week today.

So, I guess at this point I have to just tell mum/boyfriend, but I think I need a few days first.

Unfortunately I can’t live with either of my parents. I’ve lived independently since I was 16 for various reasons and although my family and I are close now, my Dad lives 180 miles away and my Mum lives 100 miles away in a house far too crowded (she doesn’t even have a bedroom, she sleeps in the living room so my brothers can have bedrooms). Plus I have to stay in this city because my job is my lifeline and I’ve worked so so hard to get it, it’d kill me to give it up.

So, in short.. I’m still feeling very lost/numb/confused/scared but it seems that that’s a fairly common experience which is reassuring.

Thanks again everyone x

Well done for going! That's the first step completed.

Tell yourself you're keeping it, then plan how to manage work/home/etc. How does that make you feel? I'm talking about a gut, physical reaction, from your heart, not your head. If you feel scared but positive, start from there. If you feel dread and terror, start from there.

Hi Op, I don't have any advice but I just wanted to say you sound remarkably together and aware of how big a decision it is either way.

As a previous poster said, I think you need to figure out what your heart says. Practical things that worry you can largely be sorted.

Thanks so much guys, I really appreciate it.

I think you’re right. I think I need to clearly lay out what’s worrying me and what the positives are, as in literally write lists, as juvenile as that might sound. Whilst it’s all in my head it’s too much of a blurry mess to consider things individually.

GP told me that I needed to start taking folic acid (regardless of which decision I make), so I went and got some on my lunch break... which felt very surreal but I still did it, so something up there in my head must be on board with continuing.

Thats great op, keep us updated. And honestly, you can and will do this if you make the decision to keep it. As a woman you will make it through, there have been so many before you and so many after you that will be faced with this. At the risk of sounding like a pushy asshole, it seems to me like you want to continue, and i hope that you do because the simple fact of how your thread reads and the fact you seem to have a level head despite your fears, tells me you will make a great mother

@saoirse1 I will do, thank you. I’m sure I’ll have more questions when it comes to telling mum/boyfriend and their reactions.

Thank you so much for saying that. I’ve always wanted children but I’ve spent the last couple of years convincing myself that my mental illness would make me a terrible mother and it just wouldn’t be fair on a child. So, it’s reassuring to hear that others see me to be level-headed/potentially a good mum.

I’ve got a lot of thinking to do, but no doubt I’ll be back here soon. Thanks for all your support so far everyone x

Would it be really intrusive to ask what your mental illness is? It's not something you're taking medication for?

If you don't want to answer I completely understand! But maybe look online to see if you can find specific information about managing pregnancy and motherhood with that condition.

I also know pregnancy hormones can affect mental moods, especially PMDD. I was depressed when pregnant with my first, but felt great during pregnancy, then had a huge slump afterwards. That apparently relates to progesterone levels somehow... anyway, it'd be helpful to discuss pregnancy with your psychiatrist. It might be good news!

Motherhood in general definitely improved me as a person, although I think I have undiagnosed ADD. But it helped me get a routine, etc.

I hope I don't sound patronising!

No not at all. I have Borderline Personality Disorder alongside Anxiety Avoidant Personality Disorder and I also struggle with an eating disorder (EDNOS). It literally terrifies me because someone I know from a BPD educational group had her children removed from her care primarily because of her disorder. She’s much younger than me and was less willing to engage with services/medication but I worry that if I hit a rough patch and let things get on top of me, all of a sudden social will be taking my kid away because I’m “unstable”. BPD has a horrific reputation as an illness. We’re portrayed as highly volatile, manipulative and dangerous online and in the media. That’s why I rarely specify what I have.

I will definitely pluck up the courage at some point to google BPD and pregnant by I don’t think I can face the horror stories yet.

Not patronising at all, it’s actually really helpful to think about it from this perspective!

Though BPD is a stigmatised diagnosis, it’s also one that impacts people in different ways. Just because some parents with the diagnosis aren’t able to manage, doesn’t mean that you/all parents with the diagnosis can’t be good parents. The fact that you’re reflecting and thinking about what kind of a parent you could be says something. All I’m saying is don’t let your diagnosis be the deciding factor in your decision making. People can recover from BPD. You have a lot to consider and I think therapy would be a great place to think about this; your therapist can’t break confidentiality unless you’re a risk to yourself/others.

@SRK16 you’re right. A few years back I was suffering really badly with 8 out of 9 BPD diagnosis criteria. I had a horrendous rough patch last year and was forcibly put on medical leave for a month at my job, but since then I’ve made more recovery than I ever have before. My therapist is really pleased with my progress and I’m now managing a few fairly specific issues rather than all of them.

I guess I know that BPD doesn’t inherently mean I’ll be a bad parent, I guess I just worry I won’t cope as well with the difficult stuff as a “normal” mum. When things start getting stressful or I’m facing a lot of change I tend to catastrophise and think everything about my life is going wrong, which leads to panic, which leads to unhealthy emotional responses which leads to harmful coping mechanisms/behaviour. As much as I’ve really been getting a handle on it recently and stopped engaging in unhealthy behaviours for a while now, I’ve never faced as bigger change/challenge as having a baby so I think that’s where my anxiety is coming from.

On a side note; I’m going to tell my mum tonight. Decided not to tell boyfriend for a few more days. Wish me luck! And thanks as always! X

I think if you wanted to keep the baby you've got a lot of good things going for you here! It will be hard but from what you've written I dont think it would be impossible at all... you sound intelligent and resourceful. It sounds like you have a good job and it also sounds like you have your eyes wide open about your illness. The main thing with BPD is to accept that you have it (which you clearly have done) and factor it in to situations aware of things that might trigger you, and ask for help when you feel you are going to need it. As long as you are honest with all the services you encounter and accept their help I dont see any reason why you couldn't be a wonderful mother. I'm sure you will be offered a lot of support should you continue with the pregnancy.

I have some mental health issues and I was given lots of support throughout both my pregnancies. There will be a dedicated mental health midwife who can come and visit you at home to talk about the birth etc
I also had a psychiatric assessment and was visited every day for a month after my second birth by either the perinatal mental health team or a health visitor. And they were so lovely and supportive. I was linked in with loads of stuff they do for other women in my position at our local childrens centre... they did some support groups and they had a creche where they look after your baby so you can have a group chat with other mums who have mental health issues, or have a yoga class together..
Theres honestly loads of help available. And I never felt judged or pressured.

The first weeks were hard I'll not lie, the sleep depravation was the worst issue for me as it did have a negative effect on my mental health... but I came through the other side both times. Like I said the amount t of support I was offered was amazing.
So if after you think about it you decide you really do want this baby then please dont write yourself off because of your mental health.

@ribbonsonabox firstly, thank you so much for that first paragraph. I can’t tell you how reassuring it is that other people have read about my situation and still think I’m capable enough to be a parent 🙏🏻

Secondly, oh my god! I never realised that I could have that much support?!! I’ve been through the mill with mental health services and mostly it’s been urgent/crisis referrals that I then don’t hear anything about for 8+ months. That’s why I see a private therapist now. I’m still on a waiting list for the specialist therapy for BPD from an urgent referral THREE YEARS ago, so I was worried that mental health support during pregnancy would be much the same and any support would evaporate upon actually having the baby! Wow. I’m so relieved. That support group sounds amazing.

So glad to hear that you had lots of support and came out the other side 🙌🏻 That’s really reassuring.

I think on reflection and with the help of everybody’s advice, I’m beginning to realise that none of the options/decisions available to me are the end of the world. They’re all okay and I will make it through any of them. I’m feeling much less panicked than I was 24 hours ago. I think once I’ve told Mum & boyfriend and heard what they have to say, I’ll be much much clearer, but something has definitely already fallen into place, just can’t quite put my finger on it.

@Aubreystar please don't worry about the stigma. I have bpd too and spent many years just bouncing around with the vague diagnosis of emotional instability which I thought would be a massive red flag when it comes to having children and social services.
I have a toddler and am currently 33 weeks pregnant. It can be done if its something you want.
My midwives and obstetric team have been amazing. Thankfully perinatal mental health is taken really seriously in my area, I have a specialist (safeguarding) midwife who helps with any little worries or doubts I have with regards to my mental health. Her title sounds terrifying but they really are there to support you and do everything possible to make sure you're ready to be a parent emotionally and physically. As my midwife says 'I don't care what diagnosis you've been given, I just care about how you're coping, that you're engaging and how we can ensure you continue to engage and flourish.'
Wishing you all the best with whatever desicions you make. No matter what you decide, remember it is the right desicion because its what YOU chose.