Unplanned first pregnancy, horrible timing & I’m terrified

[aubreystar]

Hi, this is my first post here and I feel a bit silly but I do hope someone can help me..

I’ve just found out I’m pregnant (clearblue says 3+ weeks but I’m not actually sure how many weeks I could be because I haven’t had a period in over a year). It’s come as a huge shock and I have so much backstory/complicated circumstances my head is spinning . I have no idea where to start with any of this and this will probably be a huge ramble but here goes..

I’m 26, in a relationship and I have a reasonable job with solid pay and benefits. My boyfriend and I have not been plain sailing. We were together for about 5 months, split for 4 (both pretty heartbroken), got back together 3 months ago, but even then it was rough for the first month (so much fighting..). He has a lot of past trauma physically and emotionally from his childhood and previous relationship so we have to work really hard at the little “normal” things people take for granted. He’s been doing incredibly well recently, recognised a need for professional help and he’s been much much happier (as have I!). The last month or so has been as pretty near to perfect as it gets for us.

He’s not the only one with difficulties. I have a life-long and fairly serious mental illness. I’ve been in and out of mental health services for 15 years. Finally got a correct diagnosis 4 years ago but to this day I’m in therapy to keep it manageable (I will say that I am doing very well at it currently, most people with my illness can’t work at all, and I work full time at a high pressure legal job), but I still struggle with a separate eating disorder (periods of heavy restriction & laxative abuse between short periods of regular eating when my boyfriend keeps me on track).

So between us, we have some significant mental health difficulties. Not only that, my boyfriend still lives at home with his parents (saving for a deposit), and earns minimum wage. I earn much more than than him, so down the line I would have to return to work full time (though god knows what we’d do about childcare). That’s even if he hung around when I eventually have to tell him..

And on top of that, I’ve recently been evicted and had to scramble to find a place I could afford to live and literally signed a 6 month lease a week ago (for a place that is fine for a single adult to live, but absolutely not with a baby).

Everything just feels all wrong timing wise. I’m terrified of telling my boyfriend because although he/we is/are doing well, it’s only very recent and fragile and a revelation of this magnitude could easily completely derail him and I can absolutely see myself having to face this alone.

To add even more to the pot; I was told a few years ago that i’d struggle to conceive naturally after damage was done to my uterus by a severe infection, so conceiving was always a worry for me and now it’s happened I’m completely terrified.

I can’t talk to my mum about this because she adores kids (I’m one of many many siblings) and absolutely can’t wait to be a grandma. I know she’ll react with excitement and it will crush her if I decide not to continue with this pregnancy. She had a termination nearly 40 years ago and she still gets upset about it.

.. on the subject, I also accompanied my friend to a termination when she was 11weeks pregnant and it was one of the most emotionally scarring things I’ve ever witnessed (I can’t imagine what it was like for her, my heart aches thinking about it).

This is so long and I’m so so sorry, I just needed to worry/word-vomit it all somewhere. As you can see, I’ve got a lot going on and I simply can’t make sense of it. My initial gut reaction is “this is all way too much at the wrong time, I can’t possibly continue this pregnancy” but there’s a little voice in my head reminding me that doctors told me there was such a small chance of this happening and how could I possibly throw that away

I read the BPD symptoms/behaviour last night and honestly identified with loads of it! It's like "normal" over-emotional behaviour pushed to the limit, really? I definitely relate.

You'll get support during your pregnancy and can ask for ongoing support afterwards.

I found having a baby forced me to take my focus off myself. It was good for me. It forces you to be patient, responsible, kind, organised - but it doesn't feel like a chore because you naturally want to do your best for someone you love so much.

I also followed the Gina Ford routines when both mine were babies, and that really helped to give a solid structure to my day. Plus they both slept through from 8 weeks old. I couldn't have coped without sleep.

I'm so glad you're telling your mum! You'll feel better sharing this news, I'm sure. It's a huge secret to keep to yourself.

@laurenaycn thank you so much for your response. Although I know a fair amount of people with BPD in my city (met through courses & therapy groups etc), the vast majority don’t have children and I think I only know one of the few that do that hasn’t had issues with social services etc. So I’ve been terrified about it if I’m honest. I also used to work in Family law and I had to prepare court documents involving situations where children were being removed from their families because of mental health issues and the instability that caused within the home, which was awful at the time but is really coming back to haunt me now I’ve discovered I’m pregnant.

It’s really amazing to hear that you’ve got the same diagnosis as me but are still parenting and have loads of support, the relief I’m feeling is a bit overwhelming tbh. There’s a definite part of me that’s saying “it doesn’t matter about your disorder! You’re so many other things about you that mean you’d make a great mum!”, but it’s been shouted over by complete fear that my diagnosis will count more than my abilities.

So relieved to hear there’s tons of support for people like me, thank you so much for sharing 🙏🏻

Hey, I'm probably saying what others have said or offering no decent advice here but I've really struggled with pregnancy that was planned, I've got ptsd and anxiety issues which I ignored until it all bubbled up. I went to the gp and got assessed by a mental health nurse who is helping me work through the trauma and anxiety on a weekly basis. I was also concerned that they'd take the baby away but she reassured me that it would be her that would put in an order and she felt there was no need as I had gotten help and wasn't wanting to hurt the baby.
If you go to the gp they can get you nhs help and you're fastracked because you're pregnant.
I hope you're ok and feel free to pm me if you need someone to talk to.x

I'm a single parent with BPD. Feel free to PM me if you have any questions.

Thank you for your replies! I’ve got a GP appointment on Monday so if I’ve decided to continue with the pregnancy by then, I’m going to ask about all the mental health support options you’ve all mentioned.

@mygastisflabbered I really appreciate that, thank you. I’ve got a whole host of questions so I’ll go through and think about my BPD related ones and message you x

I don’t know if anyone is still following this thread but I need to just clear my head here anyway...

So I told my mum and she was crazy supportive, could not have asked for better, she’s so amazing 🙌🏻

However, I told my boyfriend yesterday and he reacted pretty badly. He’s adamant he doesn’t want this baby. He said he would’ve preferred it if i’d told him I had cancer. He just kept telling me he can’t and won’t do this and it’s not fair for me to force him to have a baby he doesn’t want. He said he’s never been bothered about having kids but if I get an abortion now then he promises we’ll work towards having kids/house/getting married in the future (I don’t think I believe him tbh). He also said that his mental health will be so bad if I keep this baby that it’ll push him towards killing himself (basically saying if he does it’ll be my fault). He also said that his family won’t accept the baby and he’s so sure his mum won’t want him becoming a dad that she’d pay for me to have a private abortion.

Even though he’s saying really horrible things to me, he’s been really affectionate towards me?!? It’s so bizarre. And when his dog jumped on the bed the morning and went to walk across my stomach he threw his arm across my belly and told her to get down.. I’m not stupid enough to read much into it but it just seemed like a strange thing to do if he so badly doesn’t want this baby.
He keeps saying he doesn’t want to lose me and that if I have an abortion he’ll do everything he can to be there for me and look after me and make sure I’m okay. He also keeps saying he knows how much worse this situation is for me than him. He hasn’t outright said he’ll leave me if I keep the baby but as he’s been so awful about it I’m pretty sure he will.

I was never expecting a happy reaction from him but I still feel so so let down and lost and abandoned. My head is spinning and I just feel heartbroken. I love him so much (as stupid as that sounds in light of what he’s said to me in the last 24 hours).

Any guidance would be much appreciated x

Ok from what you have said this relationship is not the most stable. So you need to work out the what ifs of the worst case secsnroos and see how they make you feel.

What if you have the baby and he leaves you?

What if you terminate and can’t get pregnant again?

What if you terminate and split anyway?

What do YOU want deep down?

I don’t think I’d put too much hope on promises of marriage and future kids at this point.

I think you should leave him no good for u

Firstly I haven't RTFT so sorry if I miss something.
Very similar situation to you, although I do already have a child from a previous relationship and after the birth it brought on alot of my mental health problems that hadn't been an issue for a while. I was under perinatal mental health from 12weeks and then social care involvement until my daughter was nearly 2 years old. It was a difficult road and it put me off having children in the future. Fast forward to December last year - steady job, semi steady relationship (wonderful man but alot of emotional trauma), was told earlier on in the year I'd struggle to conceive due to PCOS but then on Xmas day I found out I was expecting, same as you mixed feelings but continued the pregnancy, a month later was made jobless then a few days after was given my 2 months notice of eviction so I'm going to be homeless from next week (living in a bnb with my 6 year old). Anyway enough rambling on the point I think I'm trying to make is even though I'm struggling immensely, I think I would of suffered alot more had I terminated the pregnancy, as if I had then in the future was never able to conceive again, I'd ultimately blame myself forever and a day. It makes it so difficult when you have been told you'll have fertility issues then it happens at the worse time, not a nice place to be in. No one can make the decision for you, only you know what's best for you.
Really sorry you are in this position though

OP I hope you're ok, just read your update. Please do not have an abortion because you are afraid of what he will or won't do.
You are not making him do anything! You both made this baby, you didnt take his sperm and inject it into your vagina!
This is your choice and your choice alone.

Hi all,

Thank you so much for all your comments and sharing your own experiences with me. I really appreciate you taking the time to do so.

Another update: I decided absolutely that I’m going to keep the baby. After going through the logistics with my mum and other close friends/family, I can see that it’s doable. I have no doubt it will be the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life but I’m determined.

So now the question is whether I’m alone in this or have baby’s father with me.
The last week has been a complete rollercoaster. To cut a long story short he’s flipped between screaming and shouting and trashing my bedroom to sending me flowers at work to apologise for his behaviour and let me know he loves me. He’s finally accepted that this baby is arriving (all being well) whether he likes it or not. He told his mum who apparently said that it isn’t ideal timing but he just has to be as supportive and positive as possible and said she’d be there as much as possible for him/us.
He keeps saying he doesn’t know how he’ll live with himself if he walks away from me now and he also said that part of him thinks this could be the best thing to ever happen to him. But then 5 mins later he’s back to “I don’t know whether I’m staying or going” “I can’t do this” etc etc.

As of today he’s said he doesn’t want to see me for a while so he can have some space to sort his head out, but he’s also sent me flowers at work today with a card saying he’s sorry he’s been so awful. So really I’m not any clearer on where he’s at.

Luckily I think my brain has gone into self preservation mode so I’m not feeling much at the moment, all a bit numb. Trying to cope with being pregnant, his reaction, moving house in 8 days time and financial year end at work with a boss on sick leave is just more than I can realistically deal with atm and I think my body is just shutting off emotion so I can function.

First midwife appointment next week - crossing my fingers for an early scan so I can find out exactly what’s going on with the little bean!

OP, it’s great that you feel able to tell your DM and Boyfriend about the pregnancy. That’s a huge first step. Kids are hard work, but they’re also incredibly rewarding. Do whatever you need to do. Find some backup. But this is YOUR decision, not anyone else’s. Don’t let anyone push you, either way. Good luck and big hugs 🌷🌷

Oh @aubreystar you have such a lot on your plate!
Congratulations on your decision! It sounds like you really know you are doing the right thing, and that is huge at the beginning of this brilliant, tough, magical journey.
Remember that your boyfriend isn't the only person who gets to decide if you guys stay together. Trashing your bedroom is really not on at all- and if you don't feel safe, even for a moment, you just have to tell him to sling his hook! (Easier said that done). He's been behaving really badly, and you are absolutely entitled to say enough is enough.
You are in stormy waters and you are doing brilliantly!

Brilliant OP Im delighted you have decided to keep the baby. Parenting is always hard no matter what your circumstances but just remember you CAN and will do this.
I dont want to comment to much on your boyfriend because i dont want to put you down in an already difficult situation but i will say, you deserve to be treated better.
You need support and kindness and the stress he is causing you is not good for you or the baby.
Good luck, i pray all goes well and well done on making your decison, you will do great!

@aubreystar Didn't want to read and then disappear. You sound very rational and mature about the situation. You clearly want what's best for your baby, which shows that you definitely do have that motherly instinct.

I don't have much advice but my friend has BPD and a child. She was diagnosed after having her DD and although she has had some struggles, she's worked well with social work and is an amazing mother. Literally everything she does is for her DD. Don't let your illness define you and define your life. There's plenty of support out there to help.

I would 100% speak with your DP and mother and contact a support group of some kind. Sending hugs.

Aww @aubreystar I could cry I am so happy for you! It must of been such a shock seeing that positive tests! My DH has a lot of mental health problems and said our DD saved his life he loves her so much! Trust me there is no better feeling in this world than your baby staring up at you! Good luck hun 💗

Just want to offer words of support, your DP sounds like an immature arsehole. Does he often emotionally blackmail you?

Please don't do anything regarding his threats, hope the midwife appointment goes well.

You're doing amazingly OP. Remember, he gets to decide whether to be a good dad and partner, but you get to decide what good and bad stuff you let into your life. If he crosses your line, he's out. You and your baby come first here. You can do this!

You're doing amazingly OP and you'll be a great mum x

I've just read through this thread and what strikes me is that you are an intelligent, self-aware person who recognises and then reasons through challenges - that's all going to make you a wonderful Mummy. Congratulations on your decision and I hope you can move forward (in whatever way is right) either with or without your OH. Good luck xx

Hi all,

I’ve just read through all your wonderful comments and they’ve made me bawl my eyes out! Thank you all so much for your kind and supportive words, I can’t tell you how grateful and appreciative I am for them.

It’s been the hardest couple of weeks of my life to date and I’ve been through some storms in my life. The next couple of weeks are going to be pretty stressful but I’m lucky to have a great support network to help me.

Boyfriend has been being very nice (via WhatsApp). I asked him whether he was worried about becoming unattracted to me with the physical changes I’m about to go through and he said absolutely not, he’s mainly concerned that I need to be eating regularly and healthily (when I’m in a hard place emotionally, I tend to revert to eating disorder behaviour) and he’s always found me more attractive when I’ve been a bit heavier than I am now. He also said to call him if I need anything, even if it’s mcdonalds gherkins at 1am. It’s very strange. He still hasn’t said he wants to see me but via text/call he’s being great, so I’m still a bit confused about where he’s at.

I’m going to give him until 12 weeks to decide what he’s doing. If he decides to leave now then that’s it for me, he won’t have anything to do with me or baby. I’m worried it seems a bit harsh but I can’t cope with the emotional whiplash of him changing his mind backwards and forwards for an entire pregnancy, it’s just not healthy for me or baby. I have also seen the effect fairweather fathers have on children and I’m not willing to subject my child to that once they’re here.

Obviously I’m hoping he comes round to the idea but if not then it’s really not mine or baby’s loss, it’s completely his. I was raised in a single parent family and I don’t feel at all like I missed out because my mum was just incredible. She gave us everything we needed and more, but most importantly she loved us all more than enough for two parents. So with boyfriend or without, little one is going to be so loved and that’s the key thing!

I hope no-one minds but I’ll post again on this thread once I’ve seen the midwife and see if there’s any further update on boyfriend.

Thank you all again for your support and kind words, have a lovely weekend!

I enjoy updates on threads, seeing how far posters have gone so I'd love updates! Hope you also have a good weekend!

Just RTFT. You are doing so well OP, with a lot on your plate and I was so
pleased to hear that you decided to keep the baby! It's such a rollercoaster and there will be tough days but the good parts are truly amazing and make it all worthwhile. You will be absolutely fine, just keep talking and accessing support. Keep updating the thread if you feel
Able to and we will all be here cheering you on!

Well done OP
Are you able to access support during your pregnancy?

I'm just catching up with your recent posts but please stop stuff like this:

I asked him whether he was worried about becoming unattracted to me

Whether or not this man remains attracted to you is honestly the least important thing in the whole entire world since the creation of the universe.

Ok? Good.

I'm so glad your mum was supportive, I had a feeling she would be. I'm really happy for you and your bean.

I'm afraid I have no similar respect, affection or sympathy for your boyfriend. His behaviour through this has been about the worst it could have been.