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Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Original poster

Elcs twins - will I "miss out" on birth?

90 replies

Cosmogirl86 · 16/02/2019 18:04

I am currently 12 weeks with twins and although it's early, I'm considering birth options.

I am considering an elective cesarean as the risk of assisted birth and medical intervention is much higher with twins. There is also a possibility the first baby could be born vaginally and then an emergency section required for second.

What I'm worried about is missing out. I'm aware that probably seems silly. But having an appointment scheduled in advance means that I miss the anticipation of the final weeks, wondering when they will arrive. I also wonder if I'll regret not having the experience of natural birth. Due to my circumstances, this is likely to be my only pregnancy.

Am I being silly? Will I regret an elective section?

OP posts:
Borridge · 16/02/2019 21:31

You won’t have time to regret it, dear!

lljkk · 16/02/2019 21:33

Trying to say this kindly... This is not a good something to have FOMO over.

Surgery freaks me out so I'd want to resist it. But if you don't feel anxious about surgery, then just go with what consultant advises will work well, is my gut feeling.

Original poster
Cosmogirl86 · 17/02/2019 07:41

I'm always going to do what is best for my children, but labour and childbirth is a life experience. Having my name booked in a diary and appointment booked means I may never even experience labour.

OP posts:
user1471426142 · 17/02/2019 08:02

I’d have no hesitation having an elective section in your circs.

I had a dificult first birth and I can’t say I gained anything from the experience other than being totally wiped out and in pain. Some people have wonderful births and love the experience but you are rolling a dice on that and will never know if you might have been one of the ones that would have a good experience or one of the ones that wouldn end up needing lots of intervention.

DustyDoorframes · 17/02/2019 08:03

Having a Caesarian is an experience too though! (As, to be fair, are things like being in a car crash... no need to experience everything!)

lljkk · 17/02/2019 08:16

Well put, Dusty.

Snog · 17/02/2019 08:16

Most people would far prefer to know when their baby would be delivered so I think it would be highly unusual to have any regrets on that score!

Slowknitter · 17/02/2019 08:23

Babies are wonderful. Childbirth is appalling. I would gladly go back and miss out on that life experience as long as I got to have my children. The only people I've ever heard refer to vaginal childbirth as a positive life experience are people who have either not been through it yet or who wanted to and didn't get to.

Sierra259 · 17/02/2019 08:40

I have had 2 vaginal births and I'm sure sometimes my vagina wishes I hadn't!! I found the last few weeks of pregnancy incredibly frustrating, thinking that baby might arrive that day or that I might have another 2-3 weeks to wait, anxious about how painful it was going to be or whether there'd be complications. I was lucky in the end with 2 straightforward births, but I certainly don't feel it was any more of an achievement than someone who struggles through an entire labour and has to go for EMCS. Or someone who decides that an ELCS is the right decision for them and their baby.
Given the increased risk of complications with birthing twins I wouldn't hesitate to take an ELCS if recommended. Your first job as a parent is to keep your DC as safe and happy as you can. You'll realise even more when they arrive that's often incompatible with how you might prefer to do things! Smile In the kindest possible way, bringing your children into the world in ANY way is an experience you will never forget. My best friend had a vaginal delivery with her first and a ELCS with her twins and says without doubt that the ELCS was a much more pleasant, calmer experience.

Firsttimemama2017 · 17/02/2019 08:42

I had an ELCS due to placenta previa and dont feel I missed out at all! I would also chose a section if we have another.

TrainSong · 17/02/2019 08:47

I have twins and had an elc. It was fantastic, No pain at all, I needed that because twins are full on in the early days. Friends from ante natal who had single babies naturally were hobbling around with tears and infections.
But there's a down side no one tells you about (or didn't then, maybe times have changed.) The spinal needed for a c-section stops your milk from coming down. You may need to take fenugreek and milk thistle or some safe medication that activates the milk supply if you breast feed.
Good luck. Having twins is without doubt the best thing that has ever happened to me,

Teddyreddy · 17/02/2019 09:01

My friend with twins wanted to try natural labour. What she hadn't fully appreciated is that because of the much higher risks they want you to have an epidural and be ready for surgery, and you have to have both babies monitored constantly - which is hardly the picture people have of 'natural' labour anyway. Number one required a episiotomy, her body then started closing up - number 2 ended up being an emergency C section. As you can imagine, the recovery with both an episiotomy and a C section was horrific. She now says she wishes she'd gone for the C section straight away. Having seen her, I wouldn't want to risk it either.

reallyanotherone · 17/02/2019 09:15

Honestly?

Yes you may regret it. You may always wonder.

It’s hard to explain. My first was an emcs and after I really struggled with “failing”, my body letting me down, not being able to do what should come naturally, what being a woman is all about.

My second was elcs and i do still sometimes think about not having “given birth properly”.

People will trot out the usual healthy is all that matters, why would you want to, sections are easy, you won’t care once baby is here etc. But the truth is i found cs vary hard, physically and mentally, and I did care.

Once I acknowledged that, it was easier to accept. No I didn’t want cs, but it was necessary and it was out of my control.

Your feelings are your feelings. If you feel sad about it then accept it and deal with it, don’t put on a brave face because everyone else tells you you shouldn’t care.

DustyDoorframes · 17/02/2019 09:43

I do think calling them elective doesn't help. Most supposedly elective Caesarians are hardly chosen completely freely, on a whim, which the name implies!
"Planned" would be a much better word.

Notquiteagandt · 17/02/2019 09:44

I had an emergancy section 2 wks ago so the choice was taken away from me. I was completely knocked out.

I still had skin to skin and goldern hour. As soon as she was out and ok they held her against me.

I didnt come around for 3 hrs so didnt meet her until then.

However it saved both our lives and was medically best so I dont feel I missed out at all

lorisparkle · 17/02/2019 09:59

I found coping mentally with having to have an ELCS very tricky with ds1. I felt that I had somehow failed and 'missed out'. I had 'planned ' this wonderful active water birth. However with time I realised that I had done what was best for baby and me. I had very little time before he was born to do this and felt I was on a rollercoaster. You have more time and have found the wonders of Mumsnet so I am sure you will have worked through all those conflicts before the actual birth. I ended up having 3 ELCS and once I mentally accepted that I was doing the best for baby and me they were all very positive experiences. I took the time with ds2's and ds3's birth to plan how I wanted the c-sections to go. I had my own music, skin to skin as soon as possible and an attached cot so it was easier for breastfeeding.

lljkk · 17/02/2019 10:52

OP, are you feeling like your body 'failed' to conceive a baby & that it would be 'failure' to not give birth vaginally?

Mrsmummy90 · 17/02/2019 11:03

I was lucky and had a really positive natural birth without any complications and I still didn't bond with my baby until she was about 4 months old.

The birth process isn't the most important thing. Those babies are and you will adore them no matter how they come out. My daughter is my world and that would be the same if she'd been born through cs (and my vag would be in a better state 😂)

You're not missing out on much. Labour and childbirth is painful and pretty gross. Never felt so on show! 🙈

Original poster
Cosmogirl86 · 17/02/2019 11:07

I guess I just feel like I will feel like I never did things properly. Or that I'll feel like less of a woman. Or won't have birth stories to share or advice to give my children if they are female. Or that I will feel deprived
After reading these posts, I'm not more reassured that I won't feel this way. However I am completely willing to follow medical advice and deal with my emotional state as best I can, with counselling if necessary

OP posts:
DustyDoorframes · 17/02/2019 11:13

@reallyanotherone is right, your feelings are your feelings and you are right to recognise them and give them space.
For what it's worth, i'm sure you don't think women who have not had children are less of a woman- extend that wisdom to yourself! And you will have so so much to share with your daughter (bet you mum, assuming she's in you life, wishes she could tell you all about carrying twins and having a c section! But that's your journey to discover, and she will support you on it even though her journey was slightly different, just as you will support your daughter. We each have our own special unique path to take. And you will have a birth story, which will be just as emotional and exciting as anyone else's. In fact, twice as much as most people's...)

Hollowvictory · 17/02/2019 11:16

No believe me, you will not feel you have 'missed out' on anything that's bonkers. I have twins, was booked for an elective but twins came early had emergency section. What did 8 miss out on? Bugger all.

Slowknitter · 17/02/2019 11:19

Surely most women don't share birth stories with their daughters unless they want to put them off having children! I certainly won't be telling my dd unless she asks me direct questions.

Tbh it makes me really cross that childbirth is seen as an achievement that you can fail at, or a romanticised ideal that you need to experience in order to be a 'real woman'. It's a painful, messy process by which mammals get their offspring out. What's magical is what comes after. Also - are childless women not real women?

Do what is safest for you and your babies, OP. Not what you think is expected of you as a woman.

Hollowvictory · 17/02/2019 11:22

You're missing nothing. You need to give your head a wobble. Be glad that you get 2 healthy babies out it and stop with the melodrama I mean that kindly it took me many ivf to get pg, I couldn't care how many babies got here I'm just glad they did. Worry about proper stuff like getting some help after babies arrive.

greenflamingo · 17/02/2019 11:23

I’ve done it both ways and honestly couldn’t care less how they came out as long as they’re healthy. No delivery could make you less of a woman, just as infertility, how you feed etc etc can’t make you less of a woman. Get those babies out safely and if you go for a ELCS, enjoy the most incredible experience - I found it to be amazing! Hearing the swoosh of the waters and then my baby being lifted high into the air, all pink and lovely and unsquashed by the birth canal - fabulous!! As a side note, I have never felt less “womanly” than after my last natural delivery. I felt like I’d done 12 rounds with Mike Tyson and wanted to cry for about three weeks. But didn’t have the energy. But then.... a healthy baby helps that particular memory fade into insignificance! All the best!

reallyanotherone · 17/02/2019 11:28

No believe me, you will not feel you have 'missed out' on anything that's bonkers

It is not “bonkers”. I do fee like I have missed out, and it took me a lot of time to stop being angry and upset.

Many people minimised my feelings and simply told me I was mad to be feeling like I did.

It didn’t help.

What helped was me not listening to all the platitudes and recognising how I felt. Acknowledging it is what it is and I couldn’t have changed it.

Yes i’m grateful I have healthy babies. Yes i know, logically, I didn’t miss out. But sit still took me a long time to come to terms with.