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Original poster

DM's Smoking habits

13 replies

mother2b · 04/07/2007 16:28

My mum smokes and thinks that this 'whole passive smoking thing' is a load of tosh, she smokes when im in the car with her and its not like i can just get out and get away from her, she doesnt smoke around me other wise

the main thing im worried about it how do i appoach her and ask her to not smoke about my DC when it arrives - she is very sensetive about the subject and get stressed out whe i even open the car window when shes smoking because of the noise the windows make when two are open

i cant stand the smell esp as im an ex smoker for starts but also if she reacts like this when i just want to open a window, what is she going to be like when i try to approach her not smoking around DC

HELP

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RGPargy · 04/07/2007 16:36

I totally sympathise with you, mother2b!! I'm also an ex-smoker and hate the smell too. My mum sounds very much like yours!! I think she is mellowing about smoking around others now that she has retired to Spain, but when she was in the UK, if you mentioned her smoking she would fly off the handle and say stuff like "You should respect me, I'M YOUR MOTHER!!!"

When we used to work together, I once asked her to not smoke in my car for the 10 minute journey. She absolutely flipped and started ranting and raving at me about respecting her etc. So much for my rights to NOT breathe her smoke! When i picked her up the next day, she had a portable ashtray with her. Like that would make all the difference!!

Anyway, back to your mum. I think you should be strict with your mum and tell her sorry but nobody will be allowed to smoke near your DC and that if she wants to come over to yours, she will have to go out to the garden to smoke. I would personally avoid taking your DC to her place if she is a heavy smoker as the smoke can linger in the air for ages. Try and be nice about it tho, but if she's anything like my mum, she will freak out about it, however you word it. Perhaps it's due to the guilt that she lashes out perhaps?

Good luck!!

ConnorTraceptive · 04/07/2007 16:38

she is being selfish and unreasonable, my dad is a big smoker but wouldn't dream of smoking around DS, he won't even smoke in his own home when we visit.

You just need to tell her. Your child's health comes before her feelings i'm afraid

Original poster
mother2b · 04/07/2007 16:45

she doesnt smoke in her house but she is very excited about being a nan and i know she would take DC out and when you are in the car you cant just 'leave the room' if you cant stand the smell

i can usually talk to her about everything but when i mention smoking she gets so touchy - she doesnt want to smoke but still lets me - her prgnant daughter - breath all her poisonous fumes

this is sure to have an effect on my unborn DC????

OP posts:
ConnorTraceptive · 04/07/2007 16:49

well he doesn't smoke on the 2 hour car journey it takes him to bring ds home from a weekend stay.

just don't get in the car with her if she won't stop

Original poster
mother2b · 04/07/2007 16:54

ill try but living in a small town with limited bus service and not being able to drive doesnt help - learning to drive at the moment

how should i approach her?

are there any touchy smokers out there

OP posts:
ConnorTraceptive · 04/07/2007 17:00

bless you you do seem to be it over a barrell.

I think you just have to be honest with her. you will only stress yourself out thinking about until you do.

good luck, just remember you are the one who is right

Princesspowersparkle · 04/07/2007 17:56

Hi
I had this exact issue with my mum. In the end I just spoke to her about my fears, and told her that if she continued to smoke then we wouldn't bring the baby round to theirs and if she wanted to see it she'd need to come to ours. I know this sounds harsh but she'd been promising the whole time she would give up smoking so she wasn't a smoking nan. Also she was the only one in their house who smoked and it was beginning to affect the rest of the house. Anyway, that was 4 weeks ago. Once I told her my worries etc she finished that pack and that was it. In the last 4 weeks she has had the odd ciggy but only outside and not to the extend of before. Shes trying her hardest to give up completely and I'm very proud of her.
It was one of the hardest things I had to do to tell my mum that she wouldn't be seeing her grandchild unless she gave up smoking. It was a risk but touch wood so far it has paid off.
Good luck with however you decide to approach the issue, at the end of the day you are responsible for your child and need to do whatever you can to protect them.
XX

BetsyBoop · 04/07/2007 18:08

sorry but your mother is being totally selfish, like many smokers....

Studies have shown that cot death risk is higher when pregnant women are exposed to cigarette smoke (even second hand), or the baby is - even if the smoker doesn't smoke infront of the baby, smoke lingers.

Just tell her straight she won't be seeing her granddhild if she continues as she is - your child comes first now.

Chooster · 04/07/2007 18:52

Hi, I did the same as PrincessPower. Smoking had become a real issue between me and my mum (yes I am a reformed smoker too) as she has asthma and after pneumonia, doesn't have her full lung capacity. Anyway, when pregnant with DS I told her in a really calm way, that yes it was her choice to smoke but likewise it was my choice if I wanted my child exposed to a smoky environment. I told her she couldn't smoke around DS and she didn't. She stopped about 9 months later, I think my badgering started to really get on her nerves!

Good luck - its tricky subject and smokers can be VERY defensive about it. I think they talk about 'rights to smoke' because they dont want to talk about the addiction.

Bodkin · 04/07/2007 21:11

Hi - its a tough situation isn't it. My mum does go outside to smoke, but it's when she comes back in and she's all over DD with her faggy hands and breath that it really kills me. She's just been to visit and suggested to DD (3.5) that she might like to come for a walk in the garden with her - company while she has her fag I mean, what does she think she is doing?????

I'm due in a couple of weeks, and although I grudgingly accept the situation, I daresay it will claw at my heart when I see her holding my new precious sweet-smelling baby with those faggy hands.

Wish I could believe for a second that she would ever give up, but frankly there are two hopes (Bob, and no)

It is reassuring to know that others are in the same situation though.

Chooster · 04/07/2007 22:11

Thats exactly what my mum would have done Bodkin. And i totally agree on smoky breath / smoky hands... I hate to say it but I asked my mum not to smoke in her own house if we were staying until after DS was in bed - I know thats taking it a bit far, but her smoking really was a big thing between us.

Bodkin · 04/07/2007 22:16

Think I need to toughen up on her a bit then! But she has a way of making me feel guilty about being an uptight unreasonable daughter... grrrrrr.... I'm off to have a rant on another thread about something else now, I'm on a roll...

DivaSkyChick · 05/07/2007 08:37

You could tell her you DO love her and you DO respect her, so much that you are desperate for her to have a place in your lo's life, but that can't happen if she doesn't agree to put the lo's health above her habit.

Make her feel worse than she's making you feel. Cry when she smokes near you. If she says you don't respect her, say she doesn't LOVE you.

It's manipulative but you asked for a strategy. I did this with my dad (but I was about 8.) [hmn]

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