can we please talk about the lady area after birth?

[Springmummy19]

FTM here and everytime the conversation about labour comes up I get a lot of 'ohh it's going to be ruined. it will never be the same again. it's going to change down there. he's going to be able to tell its all changed and it can put men off'

tbh I know this sounds odd but I'm not scared of giving birth/tearing or anything( not yet anyways). i find it hard to fear something I've never been through even though people never fail to remind me of the pain to come.

I know every situation is different but those of you who have already been through is your fufu very different now compared to prior pregnancy. once everything healed did it look/feel different? of you had a C-section did you notice changes too?

I only had one DC but he was very big. Sure it was a bit looser afterwards and the vulva looked a bit stretched but not so much people would point and laugh at the sight of it.
Prior to birth they all look a bit prebuescent and afterwards it looks like you've born a child but as long as you do your pelvic floor exercises it does look a lot better after a few months.

@herethereandeverywhere I feel angry on your behalf about the attitude that vaginal birth is better at all costs and also that pregnant women are given nowhere near enough information about the effect that an instrumental birth will have on their bodies. I'm really sorry to hear about your experience.

My own question sounds silly now in comparison but all of you saying you can't see any difference, this is true for me outwardly but I can still feel a scar, like a raised line, on the inside. It's not painful but it's there. Is this normal? Ten years since I had a baby. I had a second degree tear. I don't know how many stiches exactly - the midwife who did them just said it was "a lot".

I’m 5 months postpartum and I’m completely healed from both an episiotomy and a tear after a forceps delivery (first baby)

Here’s a tip. If you end up with stitches don’t look at it for a while after, keep yourself clean, regular showers (use a few baby wipes sprayed under a warm shower to dab where necessary) but basically leave it alone! There is no good which can come from investigating it in the immediate aftermath!

I got my midwife to check the stitches on day 2 just to be sure it all looked ok but otherwise just showers, lots of pads sprayed with aloe Vera and witch hazel and no looking!

Long term the only difference I feel is a very very slight niggle in certain positions during sex but it’s minimal.

I was exercising at 8 weeks and sex at 9/10 I think.

Looks wise it’s completely the same.

It’s totally dependant on the person, I was stitched up like a rag doll at the time but theres been no lasting damage. Perhaps others have had no cuts or tears but found issues with prolapse etc.

I’m almost a year on from giving birth for the first time. I was in labour for 30 hours, pushed for 1 and in the end baby was born via forceps and episiotomy. In all honesty, I felt like I’d been in a car crash. Everything hurt and I was incredibly weak from the effort and blood loss. For about 12 weeks pp I felt very heavy down below - like I was carrying a bag of bricks around. My doctors surgery doesn’t offer the six week postnatal check, so I paid privately to see a gynaecologist. She was absolutely wonderful and put my mind at ease, assuring me everything looked as should be and that the feelings I was experiencing was totally normal. She also diagnosed me with an anal fissure - which I had suspected for a while. 12 months on and I feel great. No more heaviness, and although my vagina feels a bit of a different shape, I have no pelvic floor issues. The only thing I do have right now is an umbilical hernia - which I think I got in the very late stages of pregnancy/during labour. I’m having it repaired this year, getting myself fit again, and trying for baby number 2 next year. Maybe!

Yep, completely ruined. Suffered fourth degree tearing with my first. Recovery from hell. No issues with subsequent births, had planned episiotomy and brilliant quick recovery but so much Vaseline damage already so basically things couldn’t get worse. Suffer incontinence every which way that can’t really be fixed, prolapse etc but I refuse the use of mesh so it is what it is. You develop work arounds and things are just different but workable. Life goes on and all.

I had c section for first and a virginal for second and yes for me things are different. I had a mild tear which healed but I can feel the scar tissue. I am not as sensitive as I was before children and for many years it was sometimes uncomfortable during Dec if my husband was at the wrong angle.

From his perspective though I don't think he has noticed any difference.

Interesting reading about forceps vs c section. I also had forceps in theatre to try to rotate the baby and get her out- was told I would have an episiotomy. It didn’t work, she was pushed back up, and I had a c section straight after. In hindsight I should have just refused the forceps and just gone for the section. I don’t know why they were insistent on attempting forceps at that point. I feel like there’s a prevailing message that vaginal delivery is best and less traumatic for your body and I don’t believe that is always the case.

Iv had 2 dc and mine is now no different to how it was pre children. Dc1 I tore front, back and inside so it was a bit of a state for several months but completely back to normal after a year. Dc2 no issues and was back to normal within a couple of months.

I was lucky and had no tearing or other damage with DD, I was terrified after hearing about a friend's older sister who had a 4th degree tear, so I massaged my perinium daily with almond oil for a few weeks before the birth. I've had no issues with pelvic floor either so I feel very fortunate.

Anyone ever lost complete confidence after having children?
Feeling most of the time that im not good enough or should be better in every aspect of my life. Before I had children I looked fab and was great at my job. Now everything feels half ass. How do i get the old confident and self assured me back? ANY advice or shared experienice would be so helpful.

Second degree tear with my first which pretty much buckled under the strain with my second and popped open again! Stitches both times. Everything feels exactly the same. I’m not a massive pelvic floor exercise fanatic so I guess I’ve been lucky. As for looks, I have a small perineal skin tag from being stitched I guess, and a bit of a nick in the labia which obviously wasn’t bad enough to stitch. Nothing worth noticing really

I had emergency c section after pushing 2hrs. Had swelling and pain down there for a bit. Back to normal about a month later. Cervix is torn though, doctors dont seem to think it will cause me a problem

I had an episiotomy and at first it felt like everything was going to ‘fall out’. I couldn’t poo properly as a had no muscle strength. Pain wasn’t bad but I Honestly thought I was ruined! However with lots of pelvic floor exercises it recovered remarkably quickly and all back to normal at 6 week check. Feels like a slightly different shape down there but pretty much normal. Try not to worry.

I had a second degree tear that required quite a lot of stitches. Not sure how many exactly but they were stitching me up for what seemed like forever. The midwife didn't stitch me for some reason, they brought a doctor in to do it, and I think he must have done a pretty good job, because it wasn't long before I felt back to normal again.

I was understandably quite sore for a little while after the birth, but that subsided between 1 week to 2 weeks later, and the bleeding pretty much completely stopped. Me and DP DTD only 4 weeks after the birth, and the idea of it was honestly more scary than actually doing it, it was fine, didn't hurt at all. So 4 weeks in total until I was totally back to normal which I know is really good going for a second degree tear especially.

I haven't noticed any drastic changes down below anyway?

Linabri, I know exactly what you mean. Rachel Cusk said in her book about motherhood: I become a task left undone. It's years since I read it but that phrase really resonated with me.

I think the issue is time - you just have too much to do.

The only thing that helped me was having less to do - ie as children get older the input becomes less full on. I'm sorry that that's not a more positive answer. I guess if you can afford to get other people to do some stuff for you, that would work. I mean ironing or cleaning or whatever. I never could but I bet it would help.

I find the most intensive time is around 18 months-four years actually. Newborn takes up time yes but a lot of stuff you can do on auto pilot so you have more headspace for other things. After four, it gets easier because they're not quite as hellbent on putting themselves in mortal danger all the time and you can have reasoned conversations plus the donkey work lessens.

Two vaginal births with tears and stitches right up to the bum but in time, after a while I've much better sex since to be honest, albeit not with my XH. Everything is more or less where it started, no horror stories here.

Mine is mangled. My bladder prolapsed and you can actually see it hanging out.

I can't bend over without peeing myself, let alone jump, run, laugh.