please help :-(

[essexanon]

hi guys

im new here so apologies if i sound a bit like i dont know what im doing. im after some advice from you lovely people.

situation is:
im 29 years old.
been with my partner 8 years and last year we decided to try for a baby. i came off the pill and we started trying.
it turns out there is alot more to "trying" then we thought and it was stressing us out and starting to take over our lives so we decided in november 2018 that we would stop trying.
mainly because this year, i turn 30, i am a bridesmaid for my best friend this september and i have alot of personal debt i need to clear before having a baby otherwise I will probably need to declare bankrupt to go on maternity leave (not exaggerating). Hubbys wages wont cover all bills plus my personal debts if i go on Mat leave.

So with this in mind, my new years resolution for this year is to clear £12k of debt (out of £20k) in the next 12 months so that when i do fall pregnant, I dont run the risk of losing my home (that we only bought in 2017).
I went through every penny of my earnings and spendings and put together a tough plan and budget to make this happen this year. it will be hard work but it will be worth it when i can happily fall pregnant and not have to have alot of sleepless nights and bailiffs knocking on the door.

We both want a baby, but we both agreed to wait til the end of this year to try again as we will be in a much better position, mainly financially to be able to support a baby and go on maternity leave without getting more into debt.

Anyway, typically, just when I thought I had it all sorted.
I found out last night that im pregnant!!! around 4 weeks.
but im seriously contemplating a termination but not telling hubby.
he will be distraught and wont be able to think rationally about finances, debt or how we will pay the mortgage as he is desperate for a baby.
I want this baby too, and I spent the whole of last night in the spare room in tears because I feel like this is my only option but feel so bad because I know he wants it more than anything.
I want it too, but its not realistic now. at the end of the year yes.

Has anyone ever been in this position?
has anyone gone through a termination and not told OH?

please help me :-(

God, what a situation. It's ultimately your decision what you do with your body, but you seem to have a good relationship, and I think the secret would consume you. In your position, I'd tell him and try and see if there is a way out. Also, given that you have been trying for a baby before and that it took a while, I would worry that it may be difficult to conceive again...

So baby will be due around October?

In which time you should hopefully be able to clear a lot of debt but perhaps not as much as you planned. Enough so you are not at risk of the bailiffs knocking?

It does sound very stressful OP.

Personally, I couldn't terminate a baby and then try again for another less than a year later. It doesn't sit right with me. PP is also correct that there is always the possibility that you will struggle to conceive.

I'm sorry I don't have any advice.

That is a really difficult position to be in. I suppose it's a case of looking at everything and working out what would be best for you.

So, would you plausibly be able to financially support a child is an obvious question. Would you regret the termination if you struggled to conceive at the end of the year?

Whatever you decide, I don't think you should keep it from your OH. I know we're all different but I don't see how you'd live with a secret like that. Also, it's not really fair to your OH. Ultimately, it's your decision as it is your body.

Hi there
Debt can be really scary and make it hard to think straight.
Have you considered calling Christians Against Poverty? Although often run by local churches they will help anyone in debt - you don't need to go to church or be a Christian - and they will send someone to help you look at your debts, see if any can be reduced and make a plan to be debt free while also affording to live. This might help you plan for what it would look like to manage with a baby.
Look them up online and see if they can help before you decide to terminate the baby. If you tell them about the situation and how stressed and upset you are they may well be able to help you.

I think you need to tell your partner and figure out how you're going to make it work. It's not ideal timing, but so what, this is the baby you've been longing for.
Can you not be really careful for the next few months, cut right back and get as much debt paid off as possible? If you haven't been on Money Saving Expert, there's a forum called DebtFree Wannabe which you might find helpful.
Maybe you will need to go back to work sooner than you'd ideally like and the next few years will be hard work for you both, but my overwhelming impression from your post is that you really want this baby and you're just really worried about finances. Please share with your partner and good luck x

Hey I’m the OP.
Just the throw another spanner in the works, just this second, my boss has called a meeting with me to say he’s gonna pay £3000 for me to do a health and safety managers course which will take 6 months to complete to progresss my role in the company with a view to a pay rise upon completion.

Obv I didn’t tell my boss about my pregnancy as it will mean not doing the course and not getting the pay rise at the end.

I’m even more confused now. ;-(

Why would being pregnant stop you doing the course?

OP:
The course takes 6 months to complete starting 1st March taking me through to September which is when I’m due.

They aren’t going to pay for a course when i might not be able to complete it (they don’t get any money back if I don’t complete)
And where I can’t put into practice what the course entails as I’ve gone on maternity leave.
Subsequently, I might not even return after mat leave so they have to think about that too. Paying for me to do a course is pointless at this time for them as they might pay £3k for something I will never use for them.
In return, it would also mean I wouldn’t get the Pay rise as the pay rise would be for a new role that I wouldn’t be able to start due to mat leave.

They might as well give the position to someone else that will be here,

In theory they have to treat you the same whether you are pregnant, going on maternity leave or not.
It sounds like you would not be able to afford to be a SAHM so the pay rise would be ideal. You could still finish the course before giving birth. It could work out well.

This doesn't have to be a disastrous situation. I think you could do a lot of damage to your marriage by opting for a termination and hiding it from your husband. So tell him first, either way.
If I was in your shoes I would opt to keep the baby and reduce your debts as much as possible while pregnant. You could regret not keeping the baby but you can always figure out money issues.
Could you make an agreement with the bank to pause your repayments while you're on maternity leave? Especially if you are able to pay a large amount off beforehand.

In terms of work don't say anything about the pregnancy because you don't have to. Start the course anyway, they can't take away the offer just because you are pregnant. It will benefit you in the long run and it's possible you will be able to finish it just before maternity leave.

Have you spoken to a money advice place or a financial advisor about consolidating your debt or a repayment schedule given your position? Does your work do paid mat leave? Get some proper advice on your financial options first. Could you pay abck as palnned untill October and be in a position to cope until back at work? Could you downsize house? Could you retrain as a childminder and do that so no childcare costs rather than returning to current role?
I may be in a similar position to you and all of the above I'm doing (terrified of taking the test - 2nd baby and relationship bit rocky tbh). You can do this if you wnat to op.
Accept the course and do it, you can finish it and then take 6 months mat leave and rtw at better pay - perfevt if you plan on rtw after baby.
Fingers crossed x

I think you should definitely accept the course.

The termination will come out when you have your first midwife appointment. She inputs all you and your partner's medical data into their system to produce your maternity notes which you take to all your appointments.

They list all past pregnancies, my termination was brought up from 2004 and my miscarriage from 2016 was also brought up and discussed.

You are far better sitting him down and having a good long talk about everything. As for the maternity leave, I think you are allowed to split the 6 months with your partner so you won't necessarily have to be off for such a long time. You don't have to tell your employer you are pregnant straight away, I never told mine till I was way past 12 weeks - by then you will have started your course. They can't take you off it because you are pregnant. They have to hold the position open for you when you are on mat leave.
Can I also say, babies are as cheap or as expensive as you choose them to be. My DP learned the hard way that a £1000 pram was the biggest waste of money, so was the nappy bin, so are all the hundreds of outfits that were bought that DD outgrew before getting round to wearing!
It's definitely doable. I hope it all works out for you whatever you decide.

Hey all.
Thanks for your replies.

So just a bit more info.

We haven’t been struggling to conceive really, I came off the pill in July and my periods were a bit his and miss which is no surprise after being on the pill for 15 years, we tried for a couple months max but it was stressful and awkward, trying to regiment times to ‘trying’ etc just stressed us out and took the fun out of ‘trying’.

Yes I could use everything I have spare to clear as much debt as poss until sept which is when I would go on mat leave however this means I wouldn’t be able to purchase anything for the new baby as I will literally have no spare cash, nappies, clothes, cot etc.

Also, I get statutory mat pay at £145 a week, that won’t be enough to cover all the bills (let alone food and baby bits) when combined with OH’s wages, so what we wanted to is clear as much debt in the next 12 months as poss.
Then when I do get pregnant after that(hopefully) , I can put some money away monthly to help with food, nappies, bills for when I do go on mat leave.

Please talk to your partner about this, for both of your sakes. You need support, and he deserves to have a say- it is such a tricky situation, but there’s usually a way to make it work.

You need to tell your partner and ye need to make a plan together, this is not for you alone to worry about.

Yes you May have another baby at a better time. But you won’t have this baby ever again.

I second what others have said

Take the course at work - it gives you a higher pay option after mat leave which you can take or leave later.

Speak to your partner - making this decision together is the best thing for you both in terms of support and your relationship

Find out all the help available for your debt situation - call CAP, look on money saving expert etc etc

Also I would add - find out if you would be entitled to any other benefits in addition to SMP. Child benefit might help. Maybe other income or benefits exist. Or maybe you can put some debt repayments on hold for a short time to make ends meet.

Get all the information you can in the next couple of weeks and have lots of conversations with your partner. Otherwise you're making a big emotional decision without looking at all your options.

Aren't all first time mum's entitled to claim £500 towards help towards baby equipment? Or is that just a Scottish thing? It's not a loan, you don't pay it back.

Very awkward situation you are in OP:!. As a Man here If i was your partner and you had a termination and kept it from me I'd feel I could never tust you again but thats me and i'm pro life to a large extrent anyway I do have reason for that but another story.

I think too you'd never get over what you had s done so on a larger balance I think keep the baby is the better option. Yep your up to your eyes in debt but you are trying toi do something about that too I'm sure others can advise you on benefits and maternity pay etc .

Anyway best of luck and I hope it does work out for you!

Second the post who said go to Christians against poverty. They’re a fantastic organisation and can talk to the companies you owe money to. I hope you get sorted OP

I think there’s a grant for first time Mum’s of £500, there certainly was when I had my first but it was nine years ago... Look into that, it would help you enormously with baby equipment.

People think babies cost a fortune but they don’t have to. You don’t need everything brand new, second hand is often just as good. I was also looking through the Aldi special buys leaflet and they have a baby event on this week, they’re selling a Moses basket and stand for £30! Baby things seriously don’t have to cost the Earth. Aldi nappies and wipes are great and dirt cheap too while I’m on the subject... There’s no point buying everything new and lots of expensive items, they won’t use them for very long at all.

No idea what your family support is like but if you have quite a supportive one you’d be surprised how eager they can be to help out financially and otherwise.

You definitely should tell your DH either way, the secret would consume you and it isn’t worth it.

I firmly believe in women's right to choose. It is your body and your decision.
However you are in a relationship and seem to plan to stay in this relationship. He does have a right to know. Ultimately the decision is yours but he needs to know before you have it even book the termination.
In terms of your planning finances etc, those things do have a way of sorting themselves out in the long run and firm planning and babies usually does not work.
Your work cannot take you off the course / withdraw the offer of promotion on the grounds of pregnancy. Speak to your union rep for advice.

The sure start maternity grant is £500 for first time mums and you don't pay it back I am in Northern Ireland and just received mine on the 28th November as I'm due in the 23rd so that will help with the baby's stuff a lot.

Just make sure you really think about this because you could end up destroying your marriage and really regretting it.

Not read the entire thread but... Firstly, you need to tell your partner as this needs to be a joint decision. A secret like this could destroy your relationship.

Get hold of a debt charity and explore options with them - eg consolidating your debt, reaching a voluntary agreement with your creditors. Do this regardless of what you decide about this pregnancy.