please help :-(

[essexanon]

hi guys

im new here so apologies if i sound a bit like i dont know what im doing. im after some advice from you lovely people.

situation is:
im 29 years old.
been with my partner 8 years and last year we decided to try for a baby. i came off the pill and we started trying.
it turns out there is alot more to "trying" then we thought and it was stressing us out and starting to take over our lives so we decided in november 2018 that we would stop trying.
mainly because this year, i turn 30, i am a bridesmaid for my best friend this september and i have alot of personal debt i need to clear before having a baby otherwise I will probably need to declare bankrupt to go on maternity leave (not exaggerating). Hubbys wages wont cover all bills plus my personal debts if i go on Mat leave.

So with this in mind, my new years resolution for this year is to clear £12k of debt (out of £20k) in the next 12 months so that when i do fall pregnant, I dont run the risk of losing my home (that we only bought in 2017).
I went through every penny of my earnings and spendings and put together a tough plan and budget to make this happen this year. it will be hard work but it will be worth it when i can happily fall pregnant and not have to have alot of sleepless nights and bailiffs knocking on the door.

We both want a baby, but we both agreed to wait til the end of this year to try again as we will be in a much better position, mainly financially to be able to support a baby and go on maternity leave without getting more into debt.

Anyway, typically, just when I thought I had it all sorted.
I found out last night that im pregnant!!! around 4 weeks.
but im seriously contemplating a termination but not telling hubby.
he will be distraught and wont be able to think rationally about finances, debt or how we will pay the mortgage as he is desperate for a baby.
I want this baby too, and I spent the whole of last night in the spare room in tears because I feel like this is my only option but feel so bad because I know he wants it more than anything.
I want it too, but its not realistic now. at the end of the year yes.

Has anyone ever been in this position?
has anyone gone through a termination and not told OH?

please help me :-(

Thanks guys.
Unfortunately we don’t qualify for surestart grant as we are not in receipt of any of the benefits in their eligibility.

I think I’m gonna sleep on it before making the ‘phone call’ for an appointment.

You can get bundles of baby clothes, cribs and second hand pushchairs of Freecycle and Facebook. Ds literally cost me 159 quid when born that was for a new basic car seat (35 quid) second hand pushchairs and cot plus a new mattress and a bundle for clothes. Nappies and wipes cost less than a fiver a week and breastfeeding is free.
Think hard and do what's best for you

I agree with what everyone else has said. You need to share this with your OH, so that you can both work it out together. This is vital. It’s too much for one person to deal with. It might spur him on to find other work and consider other options when he knows that he’s going to have a child.
Extended family? They may help out financially. Other posters have mentioned charities and financial services-these are really good options.
Definitely do the course! Your boss considers you to be professional and ready for the next stage-don’t turn it down.

As to the baby, they never come when you plan them to, but this one has decided to come now.
Good luck with whatever you decide x

In terms of the super start maternity grant, you are correct, it is means tested but if you are on low income you may qualify for it once baby is born (if you qualify for tax credit)

Accept the course. You don't have to tell your boss you are pregnant yet. And talk to your partner. You'll be able to find a way through and it will be easier together

Aborting without telling your dp, would be a big secret to keep in your relationship and I’d fear if you genuinely love him the guilt would eat you up. When it comes out and it would he is unlikely to forgive that.

You need to tell him and talk as a couple
Thing is babies rarely come just when you want one, TTC doesn’t work like that.

Baby wouldn’t be born until much later this year anyway. Newborns aren’t expensive as such especially with breastfeeding

Another recommendation here for Christians against Poverty. They will be able to help.

Please talk to your OH.

Hi lovely. I have £15k of personal debt. I'm currently 12 weeks pregnant. I've just started on a debt management plan with step change, my first payment comes out tomorrow in fact. I rang them when I found out I was pregnant and cried my heart out, they talked me through all of my options and handled everything for me. Give them a ring before making any decisions, I'm so glad I did as I didn't think I had options but now I do. I was paying £800 a month to my creditors, with awful interest rates and over 5 years to go on all of it. They've contacted all my creditors for me, they have all agreed to the DMP and frozen interest and charges. I filled in a budget form and decided I could afford £240 a month, this is then distributed by step change between my creditors. This will go down dramatically when I'm on mat leave but you can change it as much as you need. There's help out there. I've only used StepChange and couldn't speak more highly of them but there are other debt charities out there. Free to call and they don't judge you for crying because believe me I did. Any questions just ask xx

Thanks so much for sharing. Doesn’t a DMP affect your credit rating for a few years? I don’t want to ruin my credit any more if it will effect me in the next 5 years from selling and moving. We only just bought our first house in dec 2017 so as we’ve only had it 1 year, we haven’t built up enough equity just yet and would like to move in around 5 years to a bigger home if we’re in a position too. That’s why I wanted to sort my debts out now too so I could repair my credit and I know it takes a while.

@essexanon Six years! However it affects it a lot less than an IVA or something like that. As anyone who checks your credit rating will see that you are repaying the debt in full, and not having it written off. It means we've had to put mortgage plans on hold for 6 years, but we weren't planning on moving for around 5 years anyway so not too much of an extra delay. I wouldn't of survived any other way and it was the right choice for me - I wanted the pregnancy far too much to be able to not continue with it, I would of never got over it. If you phone them up they'll go through all options with you. There are lots and they may be able to suggest something different if a DMP isn't suitable. They've advised as long as I meet all payments by the time the 6 years is up I'll have a good credit rating again and it wouldn't be held against me if I tried to get a mortgage x

OP, nothing is impossible. You can do anything you want. You just need to work out how.

What's more important, your baby, or not going bankrupt. No judgement from me (I've had a termination myself) but it's what it boils down to. How long does bankruptcy effect your credit rating for? That's the other thing to consider.

Is bankruptcy the only option? What about a debt management plan? You can contact companies yourself and negotiate a lower monthly repayment. You could do that for mat leave but then you also need to think about childcare costs too.

Babies don't cost much and you can buy so much second hand. But the older children get the more they cost of course so you do need to clear your debts long term.

Whatever you decide I strongly urge you to talk to your partner. I had a termination 10 years ago to my now DH - my then boyfriend of 6 months. If I hadn't have told him if would have eaten me up and he would have been devastated had I not told him.

The termination will come out when you have your first midwife appointment. She inputs all you and your partner's medical data into their system to produce your maternity notes which you take to all your appointments.

This comment by @Bunnybaubles is pretty important if you’re considering terminating without telling your partner.

Definitely talk to your DP. It sounds like you both really want this baby even though circumstances aren't ideal. As people have said, Christians against Poverty could help xx

Surely if you ask them not to mention it/note it on your take home copy of notes they are obligated to do so?

It will be mentioned in appointments if it is a second pregnancy. Also the stress of trying to prevent it happening etc. In the notes there is a category for no of previous pregnancies. And for the outcome of previous pregnancies.
If you do anything in secret, your relationship will be based on a lie from now on. And you will have to live in fear that it will come out. It is the kind of stuff soap operas are made off.
Nobody is telling you to proceed or not to proceed with the pregnancy. But you have to speak with your partner.

Consider your relationship over if you don't tell him. You can't and shouldn't make that decision without him if you value your relationship.

My opinion (you don’t have to listen to it) is there is never a “right time” to have a baby. And if you have tried for a baby, then it’s something you both want. You’ll do whatever possible to make it work. But a termination isn’t bad either you need to be a financial position to support your baby, and mentally finances can take a toll on you, not to mention a new born on top just consider all options first and don’t rush. Its your body and your mind. And your OH doesn’t have to know but having their support it always better.

The notes you take home are not for you to keep. They are your official hospital records which you must take with you every time you see someone overseeing your pregnancy care - doctors, consultants, triage, midwives etc so they cannot ommit details which are relevant to your care and past pregnancies, no matter what the outcome, are very important information which the medical staff will look at when arranging any care/ treatments etc.

I know all this because I had my booking in appointment with my midwife yesterday and was a bit shocked when she said 'so this is your 6th pregnancy', when I only have 3 DC and pregnant with number 4. When I tried to correct her she explained my previous termination and my miscarriage are included as number of pregnancies I have had all together and will be listed in my notes so medical staff have all that information.

Are you in Scotland or England OP? As the Sure Start has been replaced in Scotland with Best start, which anyone is eligible for and is £600 for a first baby, £300 for subsequent baby. Plus the baby box is free and comes with many items for baby. Have you ran through entitledto.com, to see where you are likely to stand financially? You may qualify for things like council tax reduction, increase in UC for the child element, you will qualify for child benefit too.

Finance wise, contact national debt line. They will go through your options. You are only 4 weeks and don't have to make a decision about anything just yet.

Not telling your DH is wrong. He should have a say too.

You are only 4 weeks and your due date is likely to change when you have your first scan. Being pregnant should not stop you doing the course.

IMO under the circumstances it would be 100% wrong to terminate without talking to your partner. You need to tell him that you are pregnant and decide what to do together.

As whether you should have an abortion due to your circumstances - no one can tell you what you should do. I can only say that in your shoes I wouldn't be comfortable ending a pregnancy. The reasons don't stack up for me. But ultimately I'm not you.

You have been given lots of great advice here for how you could significantly improve your financial situation over the next eight months. You don't need to spend much on a new baby and can get so much stuff secondhand / from free cycle, etc. There is no reason not to take your employer up on the offer of training, you don't have to tell your employer you are pregnant for quite some time.

Good luck making a decision, with input from you partner I sincerely hope, OP.

Any update OP? Hope you are well x

@essexanon - how are you getting on?

There’s no guarantee you’ll be able to get pregnant if you terminate - wouldn’t risk it to be honest. Sure you’ll find a solution rgd finances. Good luck!

Speak to your dh, get financial advise on clearing your debts and work out what is best for you two. See if you can speak to a go about the risk and effect on any future pregnancy if you were to go ahead with termination. Gather the facts and make an informed decision. It is irrelevant what others say they would do and saying it will be alright is not practical when you run the risk of bankruptcy. I wish you all the best op

I'm not sure if you're still reading replies as you haven't been back for a few days, but I'll respond anyway.

What's the urgency with clearing the debt? Surely if you're making the minimum payments each month, you're fine?

You're saying you can pay £1,000 a month (admittedly this is every spare penny). What do your minimum payments total each month?

If less than £500, couldn't you just do minimum payment, and save the rest of the money to then have enough to make the minimum payments whilst on maternity leave? The rest remaining may help cushion some of what you're short by during maternity leave, too.

You also don't need to take a long time off for maternity leave. Do you have family who can help with childcare to enable you to go back to work earlier so you can begin earning again?

Either way, I think it would be the ultimate betrayal to not tell your husband and it absolutely will come up in appointments. They ask you straight out if this is your first pregnancy and if there's been any failed pregnancies, and lying to them could be detrimental to your care.