Supportive partners

[FTMdueapril]

Just wondering how other peoples partners are getting on supporting them through pregnancy really. Are your OH's quite understanding?

Mine doesn't seem to understand that the bigger I get the more difficult things get for me and I feel like I'm just being a pain in the neck. I guess I'm wondering if he's being a bit of an arse or if they just don't get it?

I've got HG, struggling with back problems and for some reason I've started to have anxiety attacks so not necessarily having the most wonderful pregnancy and could do with a bit more support! Not sure if I'm being unreasonable expecting a bit more from him though tbh.

What are some examples of things your OH's have done to help you when you've been struggling? - or what do you wish they'd do?

For me it's belong more around the house, being quiet when I am trying to sleep and not calling me lazy and making me feel bad for struggling.

I don't think they realise the toll it takes and have no idea about how much more cumbersome moving around becomes.

Mine is being ok, but he just doesn't get it.

Your dh is an arse, sorry! You’re growing his baby. He needs to stop being one himself.

I'm still working full time and doing an hour commute to and from work and quite frankly when I get home I am just exhausted 😩 I still cook dinner but a lot of other things do have to wait until the weekend. I physically can't do anymore.

He's just so uninterested and I also find it weird that he never wants to feel baby's kicks. I guess I feel like I'm doing this alone and I want to be told that all men are like this and he's not actually just being a douche bag.

Sorry you're having such a bad time of it @FTMdueapril but Refilona is right, he's being out of order. I can understand blokes feeling a bit 'put out' at having to pull their weight around the house bit more, but calling you lazy and making you feel bad is just not on.

I'm very lucky with my hubby and although I'm only 9 weeks, he's been really understanding and helpful. Popping to the shop to get Rennie's, cooking dinner (I can't stand the smell of food cooking!), helping with cleaning and just doing nice little things for me. Although not sure if the novelty will wear off by the 30ish weeks!!! 😂

This isn't a good sign, OP. My ex was shit. Note he's an ex. He was bad in many ways but the lack of interest during pregnancy was just a taster of his lack of interest in me and the baby and our needs after the birth.

Mines pretty good but we have the odd slip where he's frustrated over taking my load on round the house but I've had horrific morning sickness again and most of the time he has loads of sympathy and understanding, 2% of the time he will make a crappy remark back at me if I'm being narky. TBF with first baby he was suffocating me with being over protective and worrying all the time, 4th pregnancy in he's more chilled out. I think its tougher on them than I ever thought about before, I've been a shadow of my usually bubbly self since I've been sick and next to useless around the house, I think it helps he sees I'm physically sick all the time for him to be more understanding. Don't get me wrong im not excusing your OH, I just found even with my mum who has had babies she doesn't sympathise with my sickness much but then she never experienced it. I'd tell him how you feel he probably hasn't realised how he's coming across.

Mine's good, but I did have to explain to him on my first pregnancy what symptoms I was having for him to really get it. To be fair to your OH maybe he has a vague idea that it's hard for you but doesn't know to what extent?

I think you should sit him down and explain everything you're experiencing, and what kind of things he could do to make you feel like you're in it together.

We have a 2 year old, and my partner's now really good at changing her nappies and getting up if she wakes in the night so I can rest now on my 2nd pregnancy. Even just fetching things from another room helps me to sit and rest a bit.

@Doyoumind thanks for sharing, when did you split up? After baby was born?

I just can't cope on my own in this at all, I've told him how I feel and he's not interested. It's annoying because baby was planned and I remember discussing exactly this with him, about how hard it would be if I got sick and how I wouldn't quite be myself etc. And he was all promises of support. He also hasn't bought anything for baby yet or started even talking about anything so I just feel super stressed out and really tempted to just leave so I can concentrate on my pregnancy instead of wondering what is up with him!

Sounds like he needs to grow up too but maybe lack of communication is making it worse.

Men don’t seem to be that way inclined in getting involved unless you start getting them involved with buying things or talking about stuff. They seem to be pretty useless with communication in general imo so if you feel like he’s not invested just start trying to
Make him feel more a part of it and tell him how you’re feeling with growth pains or whatever you’re experiencing.

It’s not their body or mind being effected at the end of the day so to them they are just carrying on as normal until baby arrives.

Pregnancy is a lonely journey unfortunately for us women!

Hope you get it sorted asap as it’s just additional stress that is not needed during this journey for yours.

I'm quite blessed. I'm 25 + 2 and at the start hubby came across like he wasn't very interested and every time I felt sick or in pain he used to say I'm making excuses to get out of doing stuff but once we had the 12 week scan and he saw bubba, slowly slowly he's been getting better and better and been much more supportive. Hubby has always been rather lazy and anything I would ask him to do, I would have to nag 10 times but now I ask once and he'll do it or hell offer to do things.

He doesn't cook but tbh I'm happy to cook because I'm a 'clean as you go along' kinda cook where as he is a 'let the kitchen look like a bombsite while I cook' kinda person lol. he does still make a joke every now and then, like when I told him I can no longer bend down, he just said, not to worry, I've registered that and I'll add it to the list of things you can no longer do' haha

I’m lucky I have a fantastic husband. He’s incredibly supportive and honestly I wouldn’t want to go through this with anyone else.

Your partner sounds like a man child.

I left some time after the baby was born but if I could go back and change anything I would leave sooner. I made the mistake of thinking things would be better when the baby arrived. The abuse actually got worse after the baby arrived, as it often does, but his complete lack of interest in the baby was something I really couldn't understand.

@Doyoumind he keeps telling me things will get better when baby is born, and I don't get that. Why would our relationship improve when the baby is born? I am really scared he's going to get much worse and like a PP said it's such a lonely journey as it is and I don't want to remember my pregnancy like this. Especially when I have the option to move in with family who I know would be a million times more supportive 😞

How are things for you now?

Hey OP - I am currently 36 weeks with my second. My DH has never really been interested in the 'bump' he finds it really weird and has probably felt baby kick twice at most the whole pregnancy. But he was the same with our first. Bothered me at first but thought about how different the experience must be for him compared to me and let it go.

However, re being massive and uncomfortable - he is amazing. I've taken over most of the bed with my many many pillows, if I'm sat down he will get me what I ask for no issues as it takes me an age to get out the chair. He's happily getting daughter ready for bed every single night so I don't have to lean over the bath etc. Have a word with him. It must be hard to understand the actual feeling of it having never experienced it and never will - but he's being a tool.

In my experience don't worry too much about them not being as interested in you in buying stuff or feeling bump etc. I think that sort of thing can just be less interesting when it's not your body. My DP didn't feel my bump once either time!

I would be worried about his lack of interest in helping you out. I'm 37 weeks and dp is literally doing all the housework and distracting our four year old to give me a break, taking her out for hours at the weekend etc. That's how it should be.

I feel like my DH was amazing for the first couple of weeks after finding out we were pregnant, then things began to slip and he expected me to carry on with as much housework, always making dinner etc even when I felt lousy. I ended up having a couple of majorly hormonal meltdowns at him and things improved again once he realised I was struggling. Because they aren’t going through what we are I think it’s harder for them to understand and feel attached at first, the scans certainly helped with that and made it feel more real for him. He’s been brilliant ever since, I’m still making dinner every night (although I’m always home before he is due to his long commute) but he’s started doing more of the cleaning, washing etc without me even having to nag which is a miracle! Emotionally he’s been very supportive too - he doesn’t seem as interested in baby’s kicks etc than what I am but again, I think it feels less real to our partner’s whereas we are growing the baby and become very attached much much sooner.

OP, your partner does sound like he’s being a bit of a child. Maybe the realisation hasn’t properly set in for him yet but you need to have a serious word with him, and consider moving elsewhere for a while to get the support that you need. It doesn’t sound like he’s being very nice at all x

He told me he would be interested when the baby arrived. It never happened.

Calling you lazy and not helping is similar to what he was like. He was a lot worse than just this though and, if I'm honest, there had been a lot of red flags from early in our relationship.

He hasn't really changed. He has contact but didn't really have much until our DC was older and easier to look after. He's not a good dad.

I've got HG, struggling with back problems and for some reason I've started to have anxiety attacks so not necessarily having the most wonderful pregnancy and could do with a bit more support! Not sure if I'm being unreasonable expecting a bit more from him though tbh.

OP your partner is a dick quite frankly if you are suffering all that AND working full-time and he dares call you lazy?! Fuck him.

I'm still working FT too with a long commute as does my OH, he carries my bag for me to the station, foot rubs when I get home, dinner is cooked and all dishes cleaned. If I'm achey he'll give me a massage. All household chores are pretty much taken over, at most I just have to bring down the laundry basket downstairs. If I'm craving something he'll go out and buy it no matter the time. He literally cannot do enough for me. Not all men are selfish dickheads.

I honestly wonder why some women put up with such shit behaviour from their partners. FFS you are carrying their baby, the least they can do is step up and pick up the slack.

OP if you can move out then do it. You need support and comfort right now, not emotional abuse and made to feel like shit. Your OH isn't likely to change, if anything shit will go downhill even more once your baby is here.

When I left this morning he was still in bed, just got home and he's playing his Xbox and last nights dinner plates are still on the table (I could've moved them last night but tbh I was knackered).

Didn't even get eye contact when I walked in coz how could he possibly miss any of his game. I've just washed up and cleaned the whole kitchen and he's still just playing.

Please bare in mind that last night I cried over dinner because of how much I'm struggling with my back and he hasn't once asked me how I'm feeling today.

@Snuggz I'm not allowed to ask for a back rub, it's annoying.

I would leave now if you can (though not right this minute perhaps) and if you have somewhere supportive to go.

This seems likely to only get worse long term.

Sorry he is being such a shit
But when someone shows you who they really are, believe them. This is who he is

I keep wondering if I'm being dramatic, but if it was the other way around and he was constantly puking and struggling to walk, regardless of pregnancy I would move heaven and earth to make his life easier.

I admit I am finding pregnancy very difficult, much harder than I anticipated it would be, but does that mean I don't deserve a hand 😞

@FTMdueapril you can’t ask for a back rub because it’s annoying? Are you serious? Why are you still with him?? He sounds like a selfish cretinous manchild. Who needs that kind of stress in their life, let alone when you are at your most vulnerable?

Does he work? How long have you been together? Does he have any other kids?

Find your self respect and leave him. You have family who will look after you, lean on them in your time of need ie now and sort out finances/visits after the birth.

I wonder how he thinks things will get better once the baby is here. Unless he’s planning on having a personality transplant then at least you have a few months to prepare for the birth and afterwards without him being an additional burden. Honestly just get out, things will only get worse.

Pregnancy is hard on women and most men understand this and accommodate for it. Your OH is in the wrong, not you. Your OH is a complete bellend for treating you how he does.

@Snuggz I guess I hoped I was being a diva and that all men were just as rubbish.

Yeah he works but does less hours than me and has no other kids. What bothers me is when I was signed off with HG I still was tidying up the house, don't get me wrong it wasn't dusted and perfect but dishes were washed etc.
He used to be really good at sharing jobs but it's as if since I've become pregnant he's lost the use of his brain, arms and legs unless it's Xbox related!

Tried to speak to him this evening and he said he doesn't like anything about me right now.

Why do men change when women get pregnant? It's so unfair. I appreciate that me being sick all the time mustn't be very attractive but it's not as if I asked for it!