Supportive partners

[FTMdueapril]

Just wondering how other peoples partners are getting on supporting them through pregnancy really. Are your OH's quite understanding?

Mine doesn't seem to understand that the bigger I get the more difficult things get for me and I feel like I'm just being a pain in the neck. I guess I'm wondering if he's being a bit of an arse or if they just don't get it?

I've got HG, struggling with back problems and for some reason I've started to have anxiety attacks so not necessarily having the most wonderful pregnancy and could do with a bit more support! Not sure if I'm being unreasonable expecting a bit more from him though tbh.

What are some examples of things your OH's have done to help you when you've been struggling? - or what do you wish they'd do?

Why do men change when women get pregnant? Not in my experience if they are decent men in the first place. The decent ones understand the change in dynamics and try their best to make life easier for their partner. You know, the person they love, the one who is carrying their child. They are the ones who go above and beyond. The ones who you don’t even need to ask to do the dishes or if dinner is done because they fucking care about you and want to make things as easy as possible for you.

The examples of men I know who have turned nasty when their wife/gf became pregnant - their partners couldn’t see it but their men were shit from the beginning and that’s from an outsider’s perspective. A quick example one of my friends told me about how when she was 6 months pg her partner had strangled her and another instance he had kicked her in her stomach. But because he hadn’t done anything recently, he was a great bloke. She was defending him about something and had conveniently forgotten about it until I reminded her what she said.

If you take a long hard look at your relationship you’ll probably find none of this is new - he’s probably been treating you like shit and with disrespect for a very long time. It’s just that now you’re pregnant and really vulnerable that your eyes are open.

He doesn’t like anything about you right now? Wow what an arsehole. Please leave him, the longer you stay, the more your self-esteem is going to go down the toilet and you’ll start believing that the problem is you, when it’s really HIM.

Stop thinking that you deserve all his abuse! Yes there’s nothing attractive about puking but FFS you are pregnant! Give yourself a break! What is his excuse for being a lazy excuse of a man who can’t even wash up the previous nights dishes and waits until his pregnant girlfriend does it when she comes home after working a full day?

Tried to speak to him this evening and he said he doesn't like anything about me right now.

Say what now? It's a fact that a lot of DV starts during pregnancy and escalates

He may 'just be being a selfish, lazy arseholes at the moment, but looks to be sliding into verbal and emotional abuse.

If he is like this now, how do you think he will be once baby is here? Are you willing to risk that he might get over it when you have a baby taking all your time and energy?

Please have a serious think about leaving him.

Every time you post it gets worse!

You deserve so much better than this arsehole. Your baby deserves so much better.

He’s not going to magically turn into the worlds best dad when you have the baby. I’d be making an exit strategy ASAP.

He won't change when the baby comes and you risk crumbling under the weight of it all. DH was crap when I was pregnant, so we're PIL. My parents were okish but I had very little support and was still working full time. By 32 weeks I was exhausted and my blood pressure was through the roof so I had to take early mat leave. Did that improve things? Nope. DH was still crap, PIL still expected to be waited on when they visited, my parents wanted me to trek out in the heatwave to buy baby stuff. So did it improve when baby arrived after a traumatic birth, c section and baby being in special care? No of course it didn't. It won't change OP. like they say in apocalypse films ' help isn't coming, you're on your own'.

I've realised that I have crap boundaries. I know what I need and I'll ask for it but I won't demand that people treat me the way I should and I don't walk away when I'm not given basic respect and care. I need to work on that and so do you. It's no surprise that I now have PND. Get the support in place now and dont be fooled that it will be better post baby. It won't.

Tried to speak to him this evening and he said he doesn't like anything about me right now.

What an absolutely horrible thing to say to you, I’m really sorry to hear what you’re dealing with OP, that’s really hard.

Not all men change or are shit when your pregnant. My partner has honestly been brilliant so far and I can’t imagine doing this without his support. So I can’t see any way to justify your husband’s behaviour towards you.

I'm so sorry OP. This sounds so difficult and painful for you. I echo what others have said that you really need to make plans to leave - and I don't often jump into a thread with that advice. He is showing you his true colours. Believe what you see and hear.

Why do men change when women get pregnant?

Hmmm. Mine certainly has changed, and e talked at length last night. But unlike your DP, mine has changed because he feels the need to get everything done (DIY related) and is very stressed at work but doesn't want to pass that to me as he realises I have my own things going on. He is exhausted (from DiY and work) but is trying not to complain as he knows I'm picking up a lot of the child care and household tasks.
He hasn't become mean, nasty and lazy though.

If sounds like you've got a man child who is finding it difficult to adjust to the fact he won't be your everything now.

Really sorry you’re going through this and he’s being such a shit! If he wasn’t like this before you got pregnant it sounds like the pregnancy has triggered some issues for him and he’s not emotionally mature enough to recognise it, hence punishing you.
I would tell him how you he’s making you feel, say you want to go to relationship counselling before the baby arrives so this can be ironed out (Relate are good and I believe the rate is based on your affordability). If he refuses counselling which many men do! I’d give him an ultimatum and say buck your ideas up then, or come to counselling and if it’s a no for both then go and stay with a friend or family member.
You’re right that you don’t need this and you should be looked after at this time.

Feeling really rubbish tonight, speaking to him has gotten me no where and I'm starting to totally lose hope that things are going to get better when baby comes. He knows I'm feeling insecure and literally doesn't give a hoot.

I wish I had the guts to leave, I don't know why I am staying, and yet I'm still here.

When I initially read you post I thought he's just that type of man that's a little bit unaware of what he needs to do to support you, doesn't get the difficulty and likely never will since they don't get the joy of body changes, aches and pains, nausea etc. After reading the rest I think the others are right, you don't deserve this at all. I hope he bucks his ideas up but maybe you should leave and see how things are after a bit of space. I totally get why you haven't and might not though, last thing you must want is to leave your home whilst you want to be there to prepare for baby but if you're unhappy and there's no reasoning with him, taking action will surely help.x

I had my GTT this morning, I asked him (2 months ago when it was booked) if he'd come with me to this one as I knew it wouldn't be good my HG. Many reminders but last night he simply said no he wouldn't come.
I was really sick after the test and have been all day now.
He's just came home, called me a moody bitch because I asked why he was home so early(?) and stomped off downstairs to play his game.
I've been sick twice since he's been back and he hasn't even shouted up to ask if I'm ok.
What the hell did I do to deserve this 😰

He's just messaged me from downstairs calling me a miserable bitch and then I heard him about "I can't be arsed with you anymore"

Why can't I find the courage to go? I'm just lay in bed like a wooden plank wishing he'd go away.

Omg OP im sorry you're in such a terrible situation. I didn't want to read and run but I don't have much to offer other than that my heart goes out to you!
What a disgrace of a partner. I can't imagine being in that situation but I really think as difficult as it is you need to go and you know that ..
Could u go to family or maybe even a close friend for a night or over the weekend just to have space to mull things over?

OP, this is not going to get any better and it’s not going to get easier to leave the more pregnant you are or when the baby arrives. I really think you need to start considering your options and making plans to leave, you absolutely should not put up with this.

I desperately want to leave. I'm hungry and need to wash some clothes for tomorrow but I dread going downstairs because I know how uncomfortable it'll be and he will just start shouting again.

I can afford the house by myself at the moment but when I'm on maternity I won't be able to. Otherwise I'd try to kick him out.

I don't really want to go back to my parents as it's a mad house (great but crazy) and I wouldn't get much rest there and it's not fair to expect them to let me move in with a baby.

I'm literally stuck. I just wish he'd go away and leave me alone. I'm past the point of missing him and who he used to be now, he makes me feel sick.

Really don't worry about clean clothes

Put some pants in your pocket, go downstairs and tell him you are going to the shop.

Then go to your parents or a friend's and tell them you need to stay a few days.

If needed they can help you go back tomorrow and collect clothes (even if you take your laundry and was it at theirs).

You really don't need to stay there 1 more minute.

Little steps, but going to take courage.
You can do this!

If you can’t leave for yourself, leave for your baby. Do you want to end up as another statistic of 2 women dead each week at the hands of their partners/ex partners? Because that’s where it will probably go. Yes I am trying to scare you into taking action. Yes I know how scary it is to leave a relationship, can only imagine it is a lot worse given that you are heavily pregnant and not feeling well. But would you rather be out and alive, or stay with him, wait until the abuse turns physical and your family end up planning your funeral instead of celebrating the birth of your child?

You are staying because you are living in hope. Hope that this is all a dream, hope that he will wake up tomorrow and start treating you like a loving partner does. I’m here to tell you that your man is abusive scum who will never change. Kill that hope, dig down deep and find some courage. Call your family. Ask them to come to your house and help you pack. Then go. The longer you stay, the more you are willingly putting not only yourself but also your unborn child at risk.

Your partner is talking to you as if you are his enemy. Someone who he hates. Things will only escalate. Can you imagine him treating a dog like that? Just think, he is treating you worse than a dog. Get angry about it! Take action and do something! Please leave!

Are you married?

Is your house owned with mortgage or rented?

If mortgage - are you joint owners? If rented - are both your names on the lease?

Either or, the time to sort that out should be later. You said before that you had family who you could stay with - even if it is your parents and their house is busy, I’m sure they’d rather you be with them and happy and healthy than stay with that twat and be abused. You can sort your finances and living space properly once the baby is born.

Now is the time to lean on your friends and family to help you. Leaving is the first step, everything else can be sorted out after. Sending you lots of strength.

I went down to put the wash on and some dinner for myself. He ignored me, he's way too into his game luckily. I can hear him hysterically laughing one minute and then shouting "C*NTS!" the next.

He's genuinely lost his mind. I saw a text message suggestion on another thread that I am going to send to him tomorrow

Can you reply to his text "everything is NOT fine. I am scared of you. Your outbursts upset me. You throw things at me. You call me 'cunt'. You tell me how awful I am and how no one likes me. You call me mad. You say I will be a bad parent.
I will not continue to be abused by you. I want you to leave the house. I want you not to contact me for 1 week while I gather my thoughts and work out the best way for me and our baby to live

I just have to avoid him and stay out of his way for one more night and hope to god he listens to my message tomorrow. (FWIW, he's never thrown anything at me, this was a suggestion for the OP that I've asked if I could use, I'll edit it accordingly.

@Snuggz no we're not married, we rent the house but I've been paying for everything for the last few months, that's how I know I could afford it if I kept my salary but as I say maternity won't allow that unfortunately.

I am definitely going to go and speak to my parents tomorrow, they know something is up and have been asking a lot because they, and my friends have all noticed how withdrawn and miserable I am. I think whilst they'll be upset, they'll actually be relieved to know what's been going on.

I just hope people don't think I'm unhappy about my pregnancy, it's hard, but my god I already love this child so much and she's all that's keeping me going to be honest.

Thank you so much for taking time out of your day to reply to me. I appreciate it so much x

I really think it would be safer if you left.

I cannot imagine him responding well to that text

You deserve so much better than this OP. I came on to say that my partner thought I was being a bit dramatic at first but has been great since I explained how I felt. I've been reading open mouthed at your updates. You will be better on your own with the baby, I can't imagine caring for a newborn with someone so selfish and nasty around. Please look after yourself, I'm so sorry you're going through this

Hi OP, i think the whole situation is totally out of body for men, my OH from an outsiders perspective would seem totally disinterested and like he didnt care. When in fact he was so supportive. It was a bit like a resting bitch face, iykwim.

He would moan about me making him get me things but still do them, and tbh i was making him get me stupid sh*t just to wind him up (which he gladly returned the favour on 🤣)

He felt baby kick once, he was never there when she was active so not his fault.
He would play his xbox while i chilled on ipad, because id rather him get it out his system when he cant really play on it now shes here.
I also enjoy the cooking so would prefer to do that, and the washing(clothes) so i know its done properly!

Honestly im such an independant person he probably didnt know where to put himself, he knows i like to do alot myself, so when i did ask hed jump.
I had quite bad pgp towards the end of pregnancy and he was so helpful!
I mean hes also got a phobia of hospitals so im just thankful i got him in the delivery room!

So although I kind of get where his mindset might be coming from, hes being a bit of an arsehole. If my OH called me lazy (except in a jokey way) id of snapped his xbox controller in half.

You’re paying all the bills on top of everything else?! Kick him out!

Your parents will want the best for you and won’t give a damn about him. I’m so glad you’re going to speak to them because I’m sure everything will seem easier to face once you’re not carrying this all on your own.

Has he really been calling you the c word as well? Wow.

FTMdueapril are you sure it’s wise sending that message? He sounds like he doesn’t give a fuck about you and checked out of the relationship a long time ago BUT if you asked him to leave he may turn spiteful / violent.

How long is left on your tenancy? Are you down as joint tenants or is only one of your names on the lease?

I have a feeling he won’t be happy leaving and will put up a fight. Pack a bag with all your important documents like your passport etc and then ask a male friend/relative to pick you up. You can then in their presence tell him that it’s over.

Keep us updated, stay safe and sending you a hug.