An unsupportive vibe on this forum

[Cosmogirl86]

I haven't been part of mumsnet long. I starting posting after I had my pregnancy confirmed a few weeks ago. I was expecting a forum where pregnant people can share stories, or concerns, or just plain have someone to talk to when things get a little tough.

While that is the case for the most part, I've noticed some really cruel, really blunt and really unsupportive comments on threads that make me really uncomfortable.

In the time I've been here, I've seen one poster berated for concerns over the care received on the NHS and was told repeatedly to go back to her own country in the thread! I seen one post ask for advice on a pregnancy text only to be told that she shouldn't rely on Internet randoms and chastised! I myself was shouted at over a concern about oily fish.

Why do people do that? Why do people come to a pregnancy forum and berate and belittle other users? The above example are simply three I can remember, there have been others.

I'm really disappointed. This forum is not what I thought it would be

Some people on here are kind and supportive, some aren’t. The same as real life really!

It isn’t a forum for support. More a forum to be told what others won’t tell you in real life.
Has been quite an eye opener for me.
Very useful if you want some blunt and helpful advice.

Can you provide links for the threads you mention?

I know what you mean, there are some truly rude people on this site and I honestly believe they come on here just to antagonise others (probably more in the chat/aibu threads).
Even the baby make threads people are rude, I do wonder why they come on here to offer advice when it clearly just annoys them reading the questions!

What @SoyDora said, not all strangers (on the internet or otherwise) are kind. Also, pregnancy hormones 😂

As PP said, I find the bluntness refreshing. There are plenty of other forums that are much more supportive, if you like that sort of thing. You’ll here the unadulterated truth (or, more accurately, what people really think about certain topics) and that’s what makes Mumsnet a good resource. When I was pregnant, I learned a lot about what childbirth is really like and what to expect from care providers (bleak, really)

I’m also on a forum that only allows positive comments and supports and honestly find it of less value.

Sorry to split hairs, but what do you mean you were ‘shouted at’?

You learn to ignore some posters, and some posters will stick out as giving sound, knowledgable advice.

Personally I never had anything but support on the pregnancy & new baby threads when I needed them - particularly the first horrific 24h when DS1 was born and wouldn't feed

I'm sorry your experience is different. I do think the DMs lazy journalism of reprinting MN threads has opened the forum up to a much wider audience & some people think it's standard to come here to deliberately be unkind.

I know what you mean. I think MN is great at support if you have quite a big problem but if it’s a little problem you’re as likely to be told to go and google or to stop complaining as to be given advice. And tbh occasionally some posters do need to be told to stop complaining but perhaps it could be done more tactfully.

As a pp said bluntness is what you get here and sometimes that’s actually really helpful. If you want answers even for minor issues then there is netmums. Nothing wrong with wanting that btw.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/pregnancy/3468956-Problematic-pegnancy-cervix-incompetence-and-NHS-rules-seeking-advice

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/pregnancy/3468610-Worried-Ive-eaten-too-much-salmon

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/pregnancy/3469949-am-i-pregnant-3-lines

These are the links as requested.

I am beginning to think that this forum just isn't for me at all. Which is sad, as I recently moved home and don't really know anyone in my area so I can get lonely.

I get that my hormones are making me over sensitive right now, but I still feel there is just rudeness everywhere on this forum.

To be fair, on the fish thread, you got loads of helpful support and one arsehole poster who was swiftly deleted.....

I think it’s important to remember this is a place people come for various reasons.
I joined When I found out I was pregnant and was in shock and felt the need to vent some feelings that I felt like I couldn’t do IRL, I only ever received supportive comments. There are other times I’ve posted and got some harsh/blunt and sometimes hurtful comments but I asked for people’s advice and that’s what I got.
If you can’t handle harsh comments from strangers on the internet then this is probably not the place for you but you could always just ignore them and pay more attention to the nicer supportive posters.

I have loved MN throughout my pregnancy it’s been incredibly helpful even just reading what others have posted and the replies they have gotten has sometimes been helpful.

I thanked all the other posters for their help on my thread.

The one that shocked me most was the woman repeatedly told to go back to Russia!

I just don't understand this element of posters at all

On the Russia one there’s isn’t a chance that poster will get gbe same care here, so I feel it’s a reasonable response in a way

There are lots of other, much gentler, websites. Try babycentre, what to expect, netmums. MN is the harshest of the 'mum/parent' websites but for me is the most real and interesting. I've just learned to avoid bits I don't like.

I have the "ante-natal club" topic hidden from my active conversations because it's not relevant to my stage of life but I imagine those groups to be supportive and more patient. Perhaps join one of those?

To be fair I think you're exaggerating a bit.

Thread 3 had one person who had a good point but was a little blunt about it. She apologised straight away.

Thread 2 had one person taking the piss amongst many other helpful posts. That person's posts were deleted.

Thread 1 had several people being very blunt and possibly rude, but then it was raising some sensitive subjects (pregnancy loss, and the quality of the NHS compared to other countries' health services).

Some of those responses are blunt, I agree.

I am a very anxious pregnant person. I do try to rein it in on here though. Because playing devil's advocate I think it can be annoying for people who have serious pregnancy problems when people post repeatedly about silly things like being worried about eating a burger with cheese or some nonsense. So sometimes replies can be a little blunt...especially when it's information that's freely available on the nhs website or somewhere else reliable.

They didn’t say repeatedly “go back to Russia” They were suggesting that if you want the same type of care that you received in your first pregnancy the only way you could get it was to go back to Russia. Because it is not the type of care that is offered in the U.K -for better or worse.

What Bertrand Russell said! One person on your thread was obnoxious, the rest were lovely and kind and supportive, and even took the obnoxious poster to task for their post!

This isn't the place for people that sit around Xxxing and "Hun"ing and "oh, everything will be fine and lovely".
That forum is NM => that way

On MN you'll get advice that is going to get you through your pregnancy and childbirth and early years as well informed as you can be.

Have you joined the ante-natal thread for you month of due date yet? They're incredibly supportive and you'll make friends for life in those threads.

To be fair, you don’t have to ‘understand’. There are millions of people on here I believe, so of course different posters are going to have different views/personalities/attitudes/writing styles. It’s the diversity that draws me to it.
It’s perfectly acceptable and valid to decide it’s not the forum for you though, there are others that may appeal more.

Mumsnet can seem a bit brutal at times. I'm kind of immune to it now, but I know it's not everybody's cup of tea.

Have you been onto the Ante Natal thread for your due date? When I was pregnant with dc1, the friends and support I got on that thread was really important. Those threads become close communities and you'll rarely find any of the blunter posts you might do elsewhere on Mumsnet.

Good luck with your pregnancy.

Honestly, reams of "You do what you think is best, your baby your rules hun x" helps nobody. I love the intelligence in most replies here even when I disagree with the content.

And the pregnancy test thread, the blunt poster apologised herself on the thread!