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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

An unsupportive vibe on this forum

76 replies

Cosmogirl86 · 05/01/2019 09:46

I haven't been part of mumsnet long. I starting posting after I had my pregnancy confirmed a few weeks ago. I was expecting a forum where pregnant people can share stories, or concerns, or just plain have someone to talk to when things get a little tough.

While that is the case for the most part, I've noticed some really cruel, really blunt and really unsupportive comments on threads that make me really uncomfortable.

In the time I've been here, I've seen one poster berated for concerns over the care received on the NHS and was told repeatedly to go back to her own country in the thread! I seen one post ask for advice on a pregnancy text only to be told that she shouldn't rely on Internet randoms and chastised! I myself was shouted at over a concern about oily fish.

Why do people do that? Why do people come to a pregnancy forum and berate and belittle other users? The above example are simply three I can remember, there have been others.

I'm really disappointed. This forum is not what I thought it would be

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

CountessVonBoobs · 05/01/2019 10:27

I wouldn't really want to be on a forum which constantly indulged women, pregnant or otherwise, and I don't believe that being pregnant makes a woman somehow above reproach. Netmums will aww-hun you whatever your issue, but here if you're being bloody daft you'll get told so. Which is usually a lot more useful. And as PPs have said, there was actually plenty of genuine support on the threads you mentioned. I've never seen someone with a genuine need, even a minor one, not also get genuine support on here.

GabbyGal · 05/01/2019 10:34

I agree with you to an extent OP, I’ve noticed a couple of specific posters who repeatedly leave nasty/overly harsh responses. I’ve seen people ask questions that to some may seem silly/uneducated (not sure of the right word here) but there are a lot of women who come here because they’re genuinely worried and don’t have a clue, myself included when I first joined, and they don’t need to be told they’re being ridiculous. A little kindness goes a long way.

However, for the most part I find the people here to be helpful and supportive which has really helped me in early pregnancy, particularly in the first few weeks before I’d told anyone. And as other posters have said I suppose it reflects real life, most people are nice but there’s always a few nasties.

GabbyGal · 05/01/2019 10:35

And sometimes people do need to be told they’re being ridiculous or unreasonable!!

AuntieStella · 05/01/2019 10:41

I think you have reached the right conclusion for you, when you decided that MN is inherently you feel right

There are lots of sites, and I hope you find one you feel at home with.

But word of advice - don't start 'you're all bitches' threads. It's simply not true in the first place, and it undermines a site where women can say what they actually think (within talk guidelines) rather than feel they have to conform to any societal pressure to be 'nice' just because female.

Iswallowtoothpaste · 05/01/2019 10:44

I think that most people are helpful and supportive to be honest. I’ve had a lot of support during this pregnancy from this forum, I have huge anxiety as this pregnancy follows 2 consequtive MC’s.

However, sometimes I’ll read threads, perhaps a worried FTM is asking a question to which the answer may seem positive and then she’s accused of not being in tune with her body, clueless and receives a lot of patronising replies which I find quite sad really.

I will also say that this is probably one of the friendlier/more supportive threads on MN. I posted recently on AIBU? about my brother’s conduct towards my 5 yo DD and was pretty much told by a few people that my daughter was rude and annoying and they basically tried to excuse the grown adult’s behaviour.

OnlineAlienator · 05/01/2019 10:46

I find it refreshing. On most forums its just piles of huns and x and 'i dont really know but just follow your heart and you do what you think is best for you and bubba' ... puke

Mumsnet's seen me through life - pfb, cs, splitting with husband, style makeovers, housing advice and career changing. Dont know what i'd do without this noBS sista network tbh

pictish · 05/01/2019 10:51

Mumsnet hasn’t been referred to as a nest of vipers for nothing. I don’t mind it...I can be abrasive myself at times. I have no emotional investment in mn and don’t mind being called out, put right, told to fuck off, whatever. I like a bit of lively debate.

I can understand it’s not for everyone though. You don’t have to post here. I’m sure there are other gentler sites to post on.

foodenvy · 05/01/2019 10:51

It could be that you have to adjust your expectations a bit. When you post a question you are open to all kinds of comments- this would be the case on any forum.
Don’t take any rude comments to heart. These people don’t know you and you don’t know them. Just concentrate on the positive ones that give good advice.
Enjoy MN for what it is and good luck with your pregnancy. 😊

differentnameforthis · 05/01/2019 10:52

To be fair you have chosen three threads with a very tiny amount of answers.

It isn’t a forum for support I disagree. There is plenty of support here, and with that does come a dose of reality. It is refreshing in my opinion.

But like other forums, you will also get those who think belittling and bullying is the way to go. You ignore those posters, and move on.

You need to get to the bigger threads and see for yourself the support that people have given others - the posters experiencing partners who are having affairs, those in DV relationships, those with special needs children, posters battling with addictions, the "hand holds" when a partner has gone missing/ a child is hurt etc.

I have been here almost 15yrs, and I have seen some amazing threads, where women all over the world pull together to help others.

This site is far bigger than the pregnancy topics, and you need to have a bit more of a look around before you dismiss it as unsupportive, because you are doing it a great disservice.

More a forum to be told what others won’t tell you in real life. I agree with this, MN posters aren't known to sugar coat. If you want sugar, go to NM instead.

foodenvy · 05/01/2019 10:52

And like a PP mentioned, rude posts are a reflection of that person, not you.

SoyDora · 05/01/2019 10:53

Take a look at the relationships board OP. Or Mental Health. There is a lot of support for people in difficulty.

RosaAbsolute · 05/01/2019 10:57

This isn't a counselling service. It's real, normal people giving their opinions. As such you should expect a variety of types of people and replies.

Thegirlwithnousername · 05/01/2019 11:18

I posted on the Russia thread..There were 2 unhelpful posters if I remember correctly and a few more that were supportive..Just because a few are arsed doesn't mean you can say the whole pregnancy section is unsupported.

SoyDora · 05/01/2019 11:21

To be fair, the poster on the Russia thread was asking how she could get exactly the same treatment she got in Russia, but here. The only possible answers were to pay for it or to be treated in Russia, as it wasn’t treatment that is offered by the NH.

SoyDora · 05/01/2019 11:23

NHS

Thegirlwithnousername · 05/01/2019 11:29

The treatment of Cervical Scans and Progesterone is available on the NHS? I have had the same care recently?

SoyDora · 05/01/2019 11:31

Ok... not all of what the OP was asking for is available on the NHS in exactly the circumstances she was describing.

SoyDora · 05/01/2019 11:32

Plus I don’t believe any of it is available on demand? Only if the Dr’s believed her to have the need for it.

ChardonnaysPrettySister · 05/01/2019 11:37

The OP of the first thread made the big mistake of not sticking to the "NHS is the greatest thing on Earth" doctrine.

BirthdayKake · 05/01/2019 11:37

We can't eat salmon?!?! I've lived on smoked salmon for the last two weeks... Crap :(

Thegirlwithnousername · 05/01/2019 11:37

She wasn't demanding it? She has a history of Cervix issues which can lead to Late miscarrieges if not treated...I don't think that asking for help to access the care she needs is demanding it for no reason?

WhiteWashGails · 05/01/2019 11:40

‘’
We can't eat salmon?!?! I've lived on smoked salmon for the last two weeks... Crap ’’

This is why forums can be unhelpful.

Smoked salmon is fine
Says all you ever EVER need to know (up to date) about pregnancy food here

www.nhs.uk/conditions/pregnancy-and-baby/foods-to-avoid-pregnant/

WhiteWashGails · 05/01/2019 11:41

@BirthdayKake sorry that was for you, but the NHS does restrict how much you can have.

Have you ever seen this ?

BirthdayKake · 05/01/2019 11:58

@WhiteWashGails thank you! This is baby no 5, and I didn't think I'd heard of smoked salmon being a problem before... Will have a read of the guidelines

GhostSauce · 05/01/2019 12:01

I like Mumsnet because you get more intelligent, objective and diverse replies from real women.

If you want blind reassurances, everyone agreeing with you, and fluffy huns then net mums is a better place for you I think.

There can be some brutal honesty and sometimes downright arsehole replies on AIBU, but on the topics I spend a lot of time on - the litter tray, alcohol support- the posters are wonderfully friendly and supportive, and also tell it to you straight when necessary.

On the Russia thread I don't think anyone was downright mean, just explaining that medical care in the uk is not the same as in Russia.

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