An unsupportive vibe on this forum

[Cosmogirl86]

I haven't been part of mumsnet long. I starting posting after I had my pregnancy confirmed a few weeks ago. I was expecting a forum where pregnant people can share stories, or concerns, or just plain have someone to talk to when things get a little tough.

While that is the case for the most part, I've noticed some really cruel, really blunt and really unsupportive comments on threads that make me really uncomfortable.

In the time I've been here, I've seen one poster berated for concerns over the care received on the NHS and was told repeatedly to go back to her own country in the thread! I seen one post ask for advice on a pregnancy text only to be told that she shouldn't rely on Internet randoms and chastised! I myself was shouted at over a concern about oily fish.

Why do people do that? Why do people come to a pregnancy forum and berate and belittle other users? The above example are simply three I can remember, there have been others.

I'm really disappointed. This forum is not what I thought it would be

The thread about Russia was unusual, and unpleasant I'll grant you, but I find the normal bluntness and dose of reality refreshing.

If you want hugs and unicorns, I suggest netmums.

I just wanted to say that I've had the most amazing support and friendship on MN through a very difficult spinal surgery, my threads have been wonderful. Yes MN can be blunt, direct and brutally honest but when you need love and support it's there in abundance.

I'm also a newcomer here and somewhat recognise your reaction. Some responses are unnecessarily dismissive and rude, and I do sometimes feel a bit anxious about how to phrase posts to avoid criticism. But what do you expect on a public forum? As in real life, some people are more blunt than others, and probably more so because they're anonymous. People find it liberating to say what they think without having to censor themselves.

For me it's worth it, because the level of intelligence and expertise on here far outranks any other internet forum about pregnancy and parenting. A thread of (mostly) well-informed responses with the occasional rude comment thrown in is more useful to me than dozens of supportive 'don't worry' posts without real content. That's not to say that in order to be informative you have to be blunt - it's perfectly possible to disagree strongly but politely and still offer emotional support, as most people on here tend to do. A minority is just a bit less sensitive.

And unsuprisingly, some people on here have opinions that will be offensive to you. I think it's so shocking because many of us are quite sheltered from other opinions in our real-life bubbles of similarly-minded people. I find it quite interesting really to speak to people here that I would be unlikely to meet in real life. I don't mean to make any inferences (let alone judgements) of you in particular OP, this is more just my own experience. Will stop rambling on now.

Most people on here seem to be fairly educated. Even if I don’t agree with them I accept their point of view is what they think based on their knowledge and experience. If I didn’t want their knowledge and experience why bother posting?

Im able to balance posts with the fact I am also educated im able to balance the replies that are given with things like nhs guidelines.

If you want people to agree with everything you say, and to reply ‘bless you hun, you are completely right and the nhs/your mil/your dh is wrong’ then this isn’t the site for you.

The lady from Russia was advised accordingly and factually that the care she received in russia isn’t standard nhs care, and if she wants it she needs to source privately on access it in Russia. What’s wrong with this?

The other two posts re salmon and pregnancy testing also seemed to get fairly sensible advice.
Not sure what the issue is.
There may be the odd nasty post. But just ignore it and don’t let it spoil your day.

Mumsnet is known for being a bit blunt at times but you also benefit from upfront honest advice. If it’s not your cup of tea then there’s plenty more forums to choose from.

Personally I have found it hugely supportive and useful right from ttc through pregnancy to the infant feeding and postnatal health boards now that my son is nearly six weeks. AIBU is always good for entertainment during a 4am feeding session too!

You just have to learn to ignore the odd horrible person - bit like real life really.

I bloody love the bluntness here. I hate all the twee "ur babz ur roolz" crap on other websites.

But if that's what floats your boat, perhaps netmums is the place for you.

I think it's a bit of a shock to the system when compared with real life, where you meet very few direct talking people. And seeing things written down somehow is more powerful than someone saying them to you.

You do also need to be able to tell the difference between people who are giving it to you straight, people who havent read the post properly and miss the point, and those who are being arseholes.

I know what you mean, I read a lot of posts on here and think there are some very, very judgemental, negative, pretentious people waiting to criticise others at every opportunity, it's kind of odd to join an online forum to spend your time picking other people apart but let them get on with it. You do still get the lovely posters though and more often than not someone can help you. Ignore the unhelpful, rude ones, I would and just focus on the kind and helpful. I've typed many a comment back to a total cow and then deleted it as I'm not that pathetic and there is no use reasoning with people like that. X

OP, your first mistake is thinking this is a pregnancy forum. It isn’t. Some people aren’t parents, some people aren’t even women.

It’s a forum with many different threads and a whole range of people. Yes, some people go out of their way to be arsey, but the majority of people are nice and helpful and intelligent and bloody funny!

But it is a pregnancy forum

Based on the three threads:
Can't see the problem with the pregnancy test one.
You had an arsehole on the salmon one, who got their posts deleted
On the NHS one you had one of those, also arseholes, who probably voted "Brexit because immigrants" type (disclaimer before thread derails: I don't mean that all people who voted Brexit are like this, but at least a small percentage did)

You'll need to thicken your skin for MN, yes, even on the Pregnancy board because all pps have access to it, as well as nasty trolls. But you get those everywhere.
If you want a safer place, choose a private forum with vetted membership. And even those can become nasty.

Sometimes a bit of honesty and bluntness is needed. I appreciate that, and the intelligent and informative responses.

I agree and disagree with you, op. I'm quite blunt - on here and in person. I'm not everyone's cup of tea. I try to give factual advice, but will throw in the more supportive awwws when I can tell the poster is pretty desperate.

I came on mn to get support and find like-minded women when I started ttc. I've mostly received support (99.9%) but have been told I should kill myself when I was feeling suicidal because of infertility because my desperation was annoying to some people.

I think part of the issue you're having is because the written word can be taken in a huge variety of ways! Above 80% of communication is non-verbal. On here you can't see facial expressions and gestures, let alone tone of voice! So when people ask 'stupid' questions the answers come across differently because the answer is straightforward and simple. That's blunt but I suppose some people would see a simple answer as rude??

That’s why I use mumsnet. I love the bluntness.

I don’t want to be told that “mums know best hun xxx”.

I’d definitely look into joining an antenatal club for your month - talking with people at the same stage as you and familiar faces - plus there are off shoot Facebook groups that run years after the baby is born - all very supportive!!

I think I should be clear
In my original post, I never said that I thought everyone's on here is unsupportive. I didn't even state I think it's the majority. And also, there is a difference between blunt, and being rude and cruel to a vulnerable person.

Real women have real opinions, but that doesn't give you an automatic right to state them if it's inappropriate to do so

I think most people on this thread are more or less agreeing with you. But the line of bluntness/ rudeness is different for everyone. Non-verbal communication continues to be in exact and interpreted in as many ways as there are readers.

As an example, your last post comes across as defensive to me. I don't think you need to defend yourself - you're right that there are both more supportive and less supportive posts here!

I never said that I thought everyone's on here is unsupportive. I didn't even state I think it's the majority.

What do you think "unsupportive vibe on this forum" means, then?
And "This forum is not what I thought it would be"?

It's OK I rarely get responses on my threads and I find I'm often the last to post on many threads, thinking it might be? Haha

That is cherry picking of my comment as I actually said this -

" I was expecting a forum where pregnant people can share stories, or concerns, or just plain have someone to talk to when things get a little tough.

While that is the case for the most part, I've noticed some really cruel, really blunt and really unsupportive comments"

I literally said that I believe it's supportive for the most part. And that the unsupportive element makes me uncomfortable

Real women have real opinions, but that doesn't give you an automatic right to state them if it's inappropriate to do so

Have you spent so long in Russia that you aren't familiar with freedom of speech?

There are guidelines on MN that involve personal attacks and all sorts of isms, but pps here do have the right to speak their minds, regardless of appropriateness.

“I never said that I thought everyone's on here is unsupportive. I didn't even state I think it's the majority”

But you did pick out a tiny minority of unsupportive-to-arsehole posts (many of which were challenged on the thread concerned) and said they constituted a “vibe”? When the overwhelming majority of responses to your posts have been constructive, helpful and sympathetic. OK then.

I'm sorry, OP, but you're the one who is writing contradictory statements.
Which ones did you mean, then?

I really don't understand this mindset. If you don't like a forum, just leave? No one expects you to stay or will miss you if you've gone? If it's not a good fit for your personality, other users shouldnt be expected to adapt to accommodate you. There are many other forums with different dynamics which may well be a better fit. What do you aim to achieve by moaning about it?

On the flip side, many of us here would never want to spend any time on Netmums because the endless "aww hun"s and badly researched advice isn't what we are after.

I had my baby 10 weeks ago.

I cannot even put in to words how thankful I am for mn. I posted A LOT. under a previous name about numerous pregnancy anxieties I had. I thought I might have to terminate at one point but thankfully the results came back okay.

People were firm with me. I was even told to pull myself together for my DD1 (kindly if course). I never thought I would've found so much solace in an Internet forum. But I did.

Sorry you experienced differently OP.