Being asked if pregnancy was planned?!

[Leafy2018]

Just got to get this down. I have been asked two or three times now whether our third pregnancy was planned. Wtaf? One was by a mum in the playground (she's really nice and clearly didn't see anything wrong with asking) and I've just been asked again today by a man from a very reputable nationwide removals company. Within five minutes of coming it he decided it was ok to ask me 'whether it was planned or a surprise'. I mean, it's rude, invasive and you are literally asking about whether my husband and I had a slip up with our contraception! I answered that the most surprising this was being asked that question! As it happens it was very much planned but that isn't the point! Why should I be asked that question!

I got asked the same thing at the weekend. I was a bit taken aback!

I would never ask someone that question! It's so weird. I really don't get why you would!

Been asked it by 2 male work colleagues. It really grinds on me.
I’m normally a really chilled person and stuff like that doesn’t normally affect me but that question really does. X

Its rude to ask. I couldn't believe it when midwife at my booking app with my 2nd asked me. I mean obv you have to fill out paper work and specify whether all children have same dad, and are you with the dad. Which my case was both yes. So why ask if it was planned?

I got asked this several times when pregnant with DC2. I have a 16 month gap between mine. I find it so rude. Why is it anyone else's business?

I haven't been asked but I know I will be when the truth is out. Honestly I don't mind people asking me - but maybe given the timing in the larger scheme of our lives it seems like a pretty valid question.

What do you mean by the timing @PBobs?

We have 8 years between our last and this one. That's because I had some medical issues which I needed to get a handle on first. Not that it matters anyway.

I do mind and wouldn't dream of putting someone in that situation.

@Leafy2018 we live and work overseas and there's a fixed recruitment period and contract start date all over the world in our field. Baby is due a month before new contracts start and recruitment is too early for me to say for certain that there will be a baby (9+2). So it's tough timing for us. We're over the moon about the baby and I know there is no good time but I also know it will raise eyebrows. And I'm trying to make career and life choices with not a lot of info. Do I take a year off work? Do I go back to work and leave my baby with someone recommended but unknown? So hard. Maternity leave is almost non existent in our field and I'd not qualify as birth is inbetween contracts. Thank God healthcare is still valid between contracts.

I think 2 kids is the British 'ideal' number and if your youngest is already 8 years old people will naturally assume you being pregnant again now was a surprise/accident. Changed to child benefits also mean no money for a third child, maybe that's what pp is referring to.

The people who actually say it out loud are braver than me! I suppose it is a bit rude but well meant. Pregnant women seem to become public property for people to prod, touch and comment on for some reason.

I think that it’s just one of those things that people say to look like they are politely taking an interest in your pregnancy.

ME TOO!

Third baby here as well. Why do they ask?? Why do people want to know if it wasn't planned or not? It's so rude.
I don't want to tell people whether my sex life was for pleasure or child (or both). It's so fucking nosey.

(I have a 7 and 12 year age gap but it's still rude to ask).

Haha I had a thread on AIBU about this a few months ago.
I think the ones that shocked me the most were the woman who I worked with 18 months ago (who I haven't seen or spoke to since) who facebooked me to ask, or the man who works with my husband (I've never actually met him properly!) who came into my work and asked. Literally said "hey....you're DannyWallace, I work with DH. Congrats. Did you plan it?"
I just kind of stood there....

One of my work colleagues asked me if it was planned about my first. I was very taken aback. I responded by saying how myself and dh (dp at the time) had been together for a long time (years in fact)and now had bought our house we felt it was the right time so yes very much planned. Inside I was furious, how bloody rude! I felt like she was acting like I had no partner and had just hooked up with a random and got pregnant!

@Mummaluelae Midwives will ask because an unplanned pregnancy may lead to extra/other care being needed. Some women may go to a midwife appointment then decide to terminate, others may not have given consent to sex/sex without contraception, others may just be struggling with the idea of an unplanned pregnancy and need a little more support, especially when they feel so rough in the first trimester.

But OP YANBU, I was surprised when I was asked by another pregnant woman, I thought she would have got it. Turns out her pregnancy was unplanned and I think she wanted some solidarity.

@Mummaluelae midwives and other HCPs ask because there are links with PND/the triggering of other mental health issues and unplanned pregnancies. This means they will always ask now a few times regardless of the number of pregnancies.

In my case I got fed up of the midwives then asking if my pregnancy was IVF. I pointed out my mum had me at the same age to shut them up.

In regards to other people they are just nosey and most come from and have families themselves with age gaps between siblings of 2-4 years. Any deviation from this "norm" and you get questioned on your planning. I know people who due to miscarriages and/or IVF have 2 or 3 children with less than 2 years apart or more than 20 years.

Well I'm glad it's not just me being sensitive!

@Joinourclub I know what you mean but you could just say, 'how are you feeling?' That would seem more caring and interested rather than nosey.

@TheDayMyButtWentPsycho I do feel it's asked more with a bigger age gap - but you have no idea why someone would have that gap. Might be desire but could be for all sorts of other reasons - I hate feeling as though I have to justify it somehow!

@DannyWallace Cannot believe someone would actually go out of their way to Facebook you and ask! Wtf?!

@Cocobana The first time I was asked I was so caught off guard that I was gushing about how 'yes it was planned, we're delighted' etc but like you was furious inside! Glad I was more ready today!

@Bobbiepin I do understand some of that argument but I don't remember being asked by midwife the first two times (nor this time) - if they ask then it should be asked in a very transparent way and every time by every midwife as standard, otherwise it does seem rather rude.

But yes - you are suddenly public property to be commented on in any way people see fit!

I have been asked about 20 times I give different answers depending on who’s asking! I was wondering if it was common as even really close family and friends have asked and it’s not a shock pregnancy x

I was completely shocked at how many people asked me this. I almost said "just to clarify here...you are asking me if I had sex with my husband for pleasure or to procreate?"

When I got engaged (years ago and I was fairly young) someone fb messaged and said " congratulations, were your parents upset?" Ummmm...no!

Clearly I dont time things in a conventional manner!

I keep getting asked this too! I'm 26, been with my partner 6 years (lived together for 3), so I don't understand why people are so shocked.

Everyone I've told about my pregnancy so far has asked. My boss asked and then straight away said sorry I shouldn't have asked that question.

Pregnant with my third and being asked this a lot, no excitement like the first two times just ooh really whoops?! I’m getting really annoyed and glad it’s not just me!

I think it's a third baby thing. I'm also on number 3.

I do think it's no ones business but your own though.

On the child benefit note - you do get additional for a third child (and any after that).

It's tax credits that are affected I believe.

@PBobs That sounds really tricky. I wish I had some wise words but I don't! I hope you manage to get things sorted though. I understand where you were coming from with your comment now!

I've had this asked a few times in work, I'm 25 and it's my first baby and it makes me feel about 15! I did wonder if I was being over sensitive but I did think it was super nosy !

I had it loads with my first. I just used to look really shocked and say "wow that's a personal question!". Shut most people up.