Outed On Holiday

[Siannybobs]

Hi everyone!
I’m 8 weeks along only my husband (and our doctor) knows, we’ve come away for a friends 40th, I’m pretending to drink after researching that “I’m on antibiotics” is a dead giveaway. Arrived yesterday, avoided airport drinks as it was 5.30 am, had lunch separately with my husband and had photos with his cocktails, took a bottle of non-alcoholic wine round to the predrinks and that’s when it all kicked off. (I’d removed the “alcohol free” part of the label before going, bottle looks good, just a weird shape, but Mateus is a weird shape?!), I had a few sips or fizz and then politely quietly changed to my rose. This wasn’t good enough for Birthday girls SIL, started saying it’s shloer, birthday girl followed suit, I remained calm explained I had 3 daiquiris with lunch and just fancied rose. A chorus of “let me see that bottle” I was like it’s just wine! Stayed there for an hour before table reservation, on the way to restaurant I had to collect husband from our room as his actual 3 lunch time daiquiris had sent him sleepy, arrived at the restaurant a little late, accepted the water from the waiter and looked at the menu, Birthday girls SIL with wine list asked if I’d drink Cliff Richards wine, I didn’t hear in the commotion (8 loud people at the table)

I said “went for a wine tasting there last time, it was nice”
BG-SIL: “I know but I said would you drink it if we got it?”
I said “no I’m ok thanks”
BG-SIL places the menu down staring at me, table goes quiet “are you gonna tell us or what? You’re not drinking, have you got news”
Friends all chime in the same, I burst into tears. Ask my husband to take me home.

Just want to know in what word is a middle aged woman I’ve never met before allowed to oust me at the dinner table at my friends 40th birthday party?
It’s now 14.30 the next day and I’m still really upset. I’ve not even told my mum and sisters? I’m only 8 weeks along, ive misscarried previously. I’m not ready to announce and now I’m out.

Many years ago now, I had to go on a work night out where drinking was expected but I definitely didn't want to reveal pregnancy at work yet. It was a nightmare but just about managed with pretending to drink even though I nearly stuffed up 'drinking' the shots. Thank god it worked. I miscarried a few weeks later and the girl who had been drinking with me was accidentally pregnant. If I'd been forced to admit it I'd have been even more upset than I was.

Sympathies OP!

I know people guess but unless it's a very good friend (and maybe not even then), don't do it out loud!

I really feel for you, OP. A similar thing happened at work with me. I switched to decaf and everybody on my team made a huge deal about it, along the lines of what you've just said and I just felt so upset that they knew before my own mum, dad, brothers etc.

I don't know why women don't have the sense not to pry.

@LemonScentedStickyBat YABU.

wrenika "I think it's all rather drama queen to imply you were being put upon by older women. You're pregnant...that doesn't mean you're a vulnerable little girl...you're a grown woman in a perfectly normal state for a grown woman to be in!" The OP is vulnerable because she has already had a miscarriage and she doesn't want to talk about a very early pregnancy so this horrible woman did put upon her!

Bluesmartiesarebest "Does SIL know about your miscarriage? If so, I think your DH needs to speak to his sister and tell her just how much she has upset you." The woman was the sister-in-law of the birthday girl, not the OP's own SIL.

goodnessgrace "They were rude and twattish but imo you did over react. I can imagine it may have ruined friends bday meal"

I do not think the OP overrated. She reacted as she felt at that moment and she was upset.

I doubt it very much it spoiled anything if they were all tanked up. But even so if that were the case I hope the birthday girl blames her nosy, nasty SIL and not the OP.

What a nasty group of people. I don't understand why they made such a song and dance about it. On reflection I think the ages are significant too. I think OP is making the point that these are women who should know better because they've experienced this type of life event before- either themselves or other friends. Not younger friends where she might be the first. Honestly why can't women be bloody kind to eachother? Who bloody cares if you can tell someone is pregnant? What do you want? A bloody medal?

Can't believe people are being harsh to OP. Could she have handled it better? Yes, possibly. But she didn't and it's done now. Not sure how being harsh to her on here is helping. Some people ask because they care - OP's case just sounds like a bunch of people being nosey not caring.

I'm glad I gave up coffee and alcohol 18+ months ago. Honestly. It was a huge relief to me now as nobody expects me to drink. My colleagues (also are my friends) thought I was pregnant ages ago until I pointed out it would have to be the longest human pregnancy without a bump ever.

I had a similar thing happen to me yesterday over lunch with a group of friends. Two of my good friends who clearly had suspicions about me being pregnant would not stop making little comments in front of everybody, and even went as far as sniffing my drink to see if there was gin in it (I told them it was G&T - obviously was just T!). It upset me a bit but they've never been pregnant and don't understand how hideous this first trimester secrecy is. I plan to remind them of what they did to me when their time comes! I think what this lady has done is pathetic. You don't have to justify your reaction or give a reason for it. I'm 8 weeks too and yes it is probably obvious I'm pregnant but I'm not confirming anything until I'm ready to do so. Stay strong

YY, italian.

It's not 'vulnerable' to have recently miscarried.

I'm fairly sure that 'yes, I am pregnant, but last time I miscarried, so I didn't mention it' would be just as socially awkward a statement as anything the OP did, so can we stop blaming her?

LRDtheFeministDragon

"YY, italian.

It's not 'vulnerable' to have recently miscarried."

I meant she is worried about miscarriage and so does not want to speak about her pregnancy. The vulnerability is that if someone got hold of the fact that she was pregnant they could upset and hurt her, which is exactly what happened.

It was really insensitive of them as it’s forced you to tell people when you weren’t ready. My parents guessed this time but kept quiet until I told them. If parents can do that a bloody stranger should be able to. I guessed with my sil and was glad I hadn’t said anything as she lost the baby.

I'm with you! I was re-phrasing to agree, not disagreeing.

Honestly can't believe the amount of insensitive people around! Firstly those on the night out and secondly the other mums on this thread saying "grow up" and acting like a drama queen? That's incredibly insensitive considering the OP has already said she's upset by lots of recent events. I would be DEVESTATED if people found out before my mum and close family members. No matter what people have to say...those at the event should never have made such a big deal about it, it wasn't just one comment, they kept going and that wasn't fair.

I've recently been to a wedding of a work colleague (VERY fancy wedding with the owners of the company there, all of my HR managers etc etc). I enjoy a drink and with both a Gin and Prosecco bar there...I knew it was going to be tough. Due to the nature of my job I had told one of my close work colleagues (due to H&S reasons) and she agreed to help me cover it up. I was NOT ready to tell people. That being said, I started feeling extremely overwhelmed with lying to everyone and trying to cover it. My first day of sickness hit whilst at the wedding and 2 of my colleagues walked in....it was SOO obvious why. One of them turned a blind eye and offered water...the other was awful. Went round calling me "preggers" all night IN FRONT OF MY MANAGERS/OWNERS/HR. I was mortified. I laughed it off but when you feel sick, hormonal, exhausted...it gets the better of you. I went to bed at 11 and cried myself to Sleep!

It's your secret to tell, your business. I think though, there will always be people no matter what their age who just lack a little empathy and unfortunately you were greeted with that...combined with alcohol it was a bad mix.

That being said, what's done is done and nothing can go back and change the situation. Just look forward to the future and when you're ready to, you can tell people and possibly laugh at the situation. I'm 14 weeks now and the colleague that called me preggers has since apologised and we have joked about it all and it's ok. People are just different when they joke.

Good luck with the rest of your pregnancy xx

Sorry this happened to you OP. My partner has an eleven year old son so we absolutely needed to make sure he (and his mum) heard about my pregnancy from us in the right way but wanted to wait until 12 weeks so we could be reasonably sure things were ok. I also quite a bit of spotting and pain at the beginning so hadn’t even told my mum in case I miscarried.

I was so worried about it getting out that I ended up not going to quite a few social events because I was afraid people would guess and I would feel very uncomfortable lying about it.

Sadly so many people don’t seem to appreciate what a personal and thing announcing a pregnancy is and just don’t think before they open their mouths.

@potteringalong. She doesn’t have to tell them anything. They were incredibly rude and should have kept it to themselves if they suspected something. At Easter I was trying to do the same by drinking non alcoholic drinks to look like they had alcohol in on a weekend away. No one said a thing - they were incredibly polite and when we had the scan and were ready to say, a few of them mentioned they’d worked it out.

She didn’t overreact. They sound like bullies to be honest.

Hope you’re ok OP. I don’t really have advice - just sending positive thoughts.

I really don't get the need to keep pregnancies a secret. It seems very outdated and more in keeping with a time when people believed miscarriages were something to be ashamed of. I mean, people can tell, you're not drinking, you might feel ill, at some point you'll have a bump. It's not really something you can hide. I've always thought it odd!
Sorry you were upset though - I do know lots of people might be - but the girl was probably just excited for you. Doubt it was malicious.

duplodancer - but the girl was probably just excited for you. Doubt it was malicious

It wasn't a girl,it was a middle aged woman, a stranger that OP had never met before. the SIL of the woman who the 40th party was for.

From the OP's OP Just want to know in what word is a middle aged woman I’ve never met before allowed to oust me at the dinner table at my friends 40th birthday party?

It seems very outdated and more in keeping with a time when people believed miscarriages were something to be ashamed of. Bloody hell! Is that the thought process these days?

What about a couple who have had multiple miscarriages, failed IVF etc and just don't want to have to see that look in other peoples faces again?

By the time OP had had a visible bump she would have had confirmation of a viable pregnancy and would have happily told people - that's what the 12 week scan is for many women!

As for girl was probably just excited for you. Doubt it was malicious That girl was a middle aged woman, older than OP, who should have had more courtesy and consideration. It was shitty, bullying behaviour and I hope OP feels able to forget it enough to enjoy the rest of the break! But mostly I hope that at least of of her friends has apologised for their Mean Girl silliness!

Hi everyone!
I appareciate all your posts, even the ones saying I overreacted because, well, I wouldn’t have cried normally so I did overreact for my normal temperament. I had a lovely day with my husband yesterday walking, talking, eating ice cream, and laughing. This morning I sent a message to the WhatsApp group my two friends I’m away with are in and just explain myself and told them off. I’ve been to visit both separately on their invite and then had a drink with the 3 ladies I know (not my friends SIL) and they were obviously discreet about my mocktail so it’s water under the bridge and I’ll just carry on with my first trimester in peace and announce if/ when viable and ready.
Thanks again everyone :)