Outed On Holiday

[Siannybobs]

Hi everyone!
I’m 8 weeks along only my husband (and our doctor) knows, we’ve come away for a friends 40th, I’m pretending to drink after researching that “I’m on antibiotics” is a dead giveaway. Arrived yesterday, avoided airport drinks as it was 5.30 am, had lunch separately with my husband and had photos with his cocktails, took a bottle of non-alcoholic wine round to the predrinks and that’s when it all kicked off. (I’d removed the “alcohol free” part of the label before going, bottle looks good, just a weird shape, but Mateus is a weird shape?!), I had a few sips or fizz and then politely quietly changed to my rose. This wasn’t good enough for Birthday girls SIL, started saying it’s shloer, birthday girl followed suit, I remained calm explained I had 3 daiquiris with lunch and just fancied rose. A chorus of “let me see that bottle” I was like it’s just wine! Stayed there for an hour before table reservation, on the way to restaurant I had to collect husband from our room as his actual 3 lunch time daiquiris had sent him sleepy, arrived at the restaurant a little late, accepted the water from the waiter and looked at the menu, Birthday girls SIL with wine list asked if I’d drink Cliff Richards wine, I didn’t hear in the commotion (8 loud people at the table)

I said “went for a wine tasting there last time, it was nice”
BG-SIL: “I know but I said would you drink it if we got it?”
I said “no I’m ok thanks”
BG-SIL places the menu down staring at me, table goes quiet “are you gonna tell us or what? You’re not drinking, have you got news”
Friends all chime in the same, I burst into tears. Ask my husband to take me home.

Just want to know in what word is a middle aged woman I’ve never met before allowed to oust me at the dinner table at my friends 40th birthday party?
It’s now 14.30 the next day and I’m still really upset. I’ve not even told my mum and sisters? I’m only 8 weeks along, ive misscarried previously. I’m not ready to announce and now I’m out.

I don't get this angst over not drinking, and the pressure to drink - I don't drink much though (hardly ever tbh) so my friends wouldn't pressure me because they know I hardly drink at all ever so it's not unusual for me to be on cola or schloer or whatever.

I should say I am not offended, just felt a bit “ouch” when I saw “outed” as having a hard time right now.

As it happens , OP I have had similar: I had a failed IVF, then successful IVF followed by a loss, followed by a pregnancy where I had to tell people early due to hyperemesis. I am really sorry for how you’ve been treated and totally understand the upset. I hope it all goes well from here.

Sorry by weird I mean that they were weird to be so interested in what you were drinking. So very rude.

You poor thing. Hope pregnancy goes well.

You did not overreact. This woman was a twat.

Pressure to drink is one of my biggest bugbears, pregnant or no. It's disgusting really that people are forced into pretending they're drinking because it's so 'weird' not to be drinking.

My dh once asked a friend 'ooh, are you pregnant?' when she was on orange juice instead of wine. She was - he felt so unbelievably bad that he'd never make any comment again! I think most decent people wouldn't make that mistake twice but others seem to make everyone else's lives their own business.

I am so sorry OP, and no you didn't overreact. I'd have done the same thing.

Why people cannot keep to their own business is beyond me. Pregnancy is a bit of a private matter anyway IMO until you are ready to announce it, you wouldn't ask someone if they aren't drinking due to any other medical condition so what the hell exempts pregnancy from that?

Stupid fucking twat.

I hope you are OK. Big hugs. xx

OP - that is such horrible behaviour. I might have picked up on it, but I would never, ever have asked you out right.

What is wrong with people?!? If it is obvious that someone does not want to speak about something, why would you keep hounding them????

I hope your pregnancy goes well, OP, but were you really going to tell people you had an abscess on your anus?! That sounds a bit extreme!

RebeccaWrongDaily

"i don't really understand why people go to such lengths to hide stuff like that..." Because if you have miscarried in the past you may feel you don't want to tell people if things don't go well with the pregnancy and 8 weeks is very early days. Plus of course it is private.

Congratulations and good luck with the pregnancy, but you massively over reacted. You weren't 'outed'...that has entirely different - and worse - connotations. People were excited by something you were not hiding at all. I think it's all rather drama queen to imply you were being put upon by older women. You're pregnant...that doesn't mean you're a vulnerable little girl...you're a grown woman in a perfectly normal state for a grown woman to be in! I'm sure they didn't mean to upset you.

Does SIL know about your miscarriage? If so, I think your DH needs to speak to his sister and tell her just how much she has upset you.

At best she’s been insensitive and thoughtless so needs to apologise. If this is her usual behaviour and she’s always a bitch then you’d do well to avoid her as much as possible. Hopefully she isn’t normally so horrible.

You didn’t overreact OP I would go with anal cyst story at the next meal. With great details, just as their food arrives.

They were rude and twattish but imo you did over react. I can imagine it may have ruined friends bday meal

Thats shocking, some people are just dickheads that cannot stay out of other peoples business. Sorry this happened to you.

If you just left I'd get DH to tell his sister that the pregnancy talk was upsetting because of your miscarriage. Which is true - they don't need to know that you are pregnant.

I'd also get him to tell them you aren't drinking because you have an abscess on your anus, and obviously it's embarrassing so you didn't want to say.

Make the nosey bastards squirm!

@wrenika when you've miscarried or worse it is not something you want everyone to know...it was rude of the people involved. And as it is so common people should think before they speak.

The only way I would do this is if I was with a very close friend and I might ask them quietly. It is obviously not good etiquette to act like this at all.

I hope your pregnancy goes well op. x

Definitely rude. You didn't owe any of them an explanation or a heads up. Has the birthday girl checked on you?

Yes they were rude & crass but I think you overdid it with your elaborate attempts to throw them off the scent. No need for stories about an abscess on your anus either! Lies are most convincing when fewer details are offered, have you never heard this?

Wow - do people really assume that the only POSSIBLE reason someone might choose not to drink alcoholic beverages is pregnancy?

What a 'lovely' bunch of people they sound like....

for you OP, what a skank that woman was.

Everyone there will see her for exactly what she is.

If she does I would say that the reason you were not drinking was because you are TRYING to conceive, not that you are pregnant and that you were upset because it hasn't happened yet. That could hopefully throw them off the scent. It was appalling the way the SIL behaved, it really is no one's business but yours and your husband's.

This.

How dare she bully you into telling her something really personal like that.
I was sitting next to a colleague in a meeting on August 31st and I noticed she was nibbling dry biscuits. Then later on she was eating a banana.... that's exactly what she did during her first pregnancy ("graze", little but often), but it never even crossed my mind to yell "OOOH, spill the beans, you're preggers, aren't you?".
It was confirmed to me that she is indeed pregnant by another colleague two weeks ago, (worrying about the workload during her maternity leave) but I presume that the Mum-to-be felt she was now far enough on to tell people..... none of our business until she did.

What dreadful people.
for your lovely news though.

My superpower is being able to spot pregnancies from very early. I'm never wrong and don't know how the heck I do it. I would never, ever 'out' someone.

I’d be furious. When I was expecting DD we had some friends round who bought me a couple of bottles of fruity cider.

I opened the bottle and pretended to take sips! I kept sipping but the volume never went down, however, they didn’t say anything until after we told them that we were expecting. They said that they suspected something but didn’t think it their place to say anything because they’re decent human beings and not utter, utter arseholes!

I’m 10 weeks right now and haven’t told a soul apart from OH, midwife and GP. I told my closest friend last time straight away, it was following a MC so asked her to keep it quiet. She told everyone! Literally, everyone in the village shop was coming up and congratulating me. This was all fine until it was discovered that I’d had a MMC and then had to deal with the sympathy in everyone’s faces and the gossiping after I’d walked out of the door, safe to say, this time, she’s jolly well waiting until after the 12 week scan.

Bursting into tears and asking your husband to take you home is a bit of an overreaction.

Given the early pregnancy hormones, I don't think it is at all, nor is she being a 'drama queen'.
Some people are just arseholes, frankly, and I am so, so glad to be away from that anglo drinking culture. I don't drink at all (it gives me instant migraines) and it got beyond tiresome having to explain and explain and explain, with people trying to find alternatives (eg. 'maybe if you try wine without preservatives?').
Bit sad about the other migraine triggers I've subsequently developed though (chocolate, more than 100g of red meat; rude).
You have the right to tell people when you want to; it's your news.

Many years ago a dear friend announced her much awaited pregnancy to the whole world at 13 weeks.
6 weeks later I bumped into her in the shop and greeted her with "hello fatty"
to be told that she'd had a late MC a few days before

I gave her a huge hug and bought her a bottle of fizzy as she was allowed to have it now
Her DD was born 9 months later

Pregnancy announcements are FOR THE PARENTS and nobody else
Pregnancy can be fragile

FWIW both mine were a doddle, but I know how lucky I was