Outed On Holiday

[Siannybobs]

Hi everyone!
I’m 8 weeks along only my husband (and our doctor) knows, we’ve come away for a friends 40th, I’m pretending to drink after researching that “I’m on antibiotics” is a dead giveaway. Arrived yesterday, avoided airport drinks as it was 5.30 am, had lunch separately with my husband and had photos with his cocktails, took a bottle of non-alcoholic wine round to the predrinks and that’s when it all kicked off. (I’d removed the “alcohol free” part of the label before going, bottle looks good, just a weird shape, but Mateus is a weird shape?!), I had a few sips or fizz and then politely quietly changed to my rose. This wasn’t good enough for Birthday girls SIL, started saying it’s shloer, birthday girl followed suit, I remained calm explained I had 3 daiquiris with lunch and just fancied rose. A chorus of “let me see that bottle” I was like it’s just wine! Stayed there for an hour before table reservation, on the way to restaurant I had to collect husband from our room as his actual 3 lunch time daiquiris had sent him sleepy, arrived at the restaurant a little late, accepted the water from the waiter and looked at the menu, Birthday girls SIL with wine list asked if I’d drink Cliff Richards wine, I didn’t hear in the commotion (8 loud people at the table)

I said “went for a wine tasting there last time, it was nice”
BG-SIL: “I know but I said would you drink it if we got it?”
I said “no I’m ok thanks”
BG-SIL places the menu down staring at me, table goes quiet “are you gonna tell us or what? You’re not drinking, have you got news”
Friends all chime in the same, I burst into tears. Ask my husband to take me home.

Just want to know in what word is a middle aged woman I’ve never met before allowed to oust me at the dinner table at my friends 40th birthday party?
It’s now 14.30 the next day and I’m still really upset. I’ve not even told my mum and sisters? I’m only 8 weeks along, ive misscarried previously. I’m not ready to announce and now I’m out.

Yanbu but if you're in your 30s you're a woman and not to be treated in an infantile manner by those 2 or 3 decades older than you are.

For those saying it’s very little likelyhood of pulling that off - I don’t think so. I had to go on a night out for a friends birthday when I was pregnant. I drank non alcoholic wine and pretended to drink other drinks while out. Nobody caught on as nobody was keeping an eye on my drinking or prying into what I was drinking. I think it’s a bit weird that they were paying that much attention to even notice?

They were being rude and given that you are 8 weeks pregnant and probably feeling exhausted with hormones all over the place crying was definitely not an overreaction. However, don’t let yourself dwell on it anymore - what’s done is done. Move on and get back to just being excited - you have so much to look forward to.

That’s really bloody rude. Has anyone apologised yet?

I have some friends who are expecting a baby. Poor woman had very severe hyperemesis for weeks and weeks. Each time I saw her husband I’d ask how she was and he’d say she was really sick, no mention of pregnancy even though I was completely aware of course.

When she finally felt better, had her latest scans and was out and about they hmade a beautiful announcement and I was suitably thrilled and amazed. Their choice and their announcement.

Best wishes with your pregnancy.

Oh no! I'm sorry. I think anyone with good manners would keep their mouth shut even if they suspected. They should have speculated behind your back like normal people!!!! Sadly good manners and empathy don't automatically come with age. My MIL is a perfect example!

I have also had a mc and MIL sends DH emails that say 'this one must be almost viable now...' I'm 33 weeks!

You were clearly not ready to announce anything (and why should you?), any normal grown up, even if they did clock what was going on, would realise that if you wanted to share it you would and the fact that you haven’t actually means something.
The woman sounds like an idiot.
Tbh I would have cried too, especially with the background of miscarriage.
loads of luck with your pregnancy

I've lost count of how many people who have asked if I was pregnant, when I've decided not to drink on special occasions (and I agree it's rude).

I've simply said no

I get that you might've burst into tears because of the hormones though

God, BG SIL was a massive bitch. She’s never met you before?! What a cow. Presumably you’ve seen your friend who’s 40th it is since? Or did you go home as in actually left the weekend holiday place and gone home?

You have slightly over reacted (more than slightly) but it's understandable given your history of miscarriages.

I think you probably were never going to pull it off on a boozy 40th trip though, and in your shoes I probably wouldn't have gone or would have tipped the birthday girl the nod so she was in on the secret and could fend off awkward questions.

They were twats.

You were a drama queen.

Sounds like a shite time for everyone.

I think if you usually drink a lot then unfortunately it will be noticed when you don't.

Also the pretending to drink & taking your own bottle just for you.

Still she should have kept schtum.

i don't really understand why people go to such lengths to hide stuff like that (i know it's nobody's business etc) if you were worried about it coming out (and it was likely always going to) then you could say you're taking it easy / tried on a dress and it was mega tight so on a pre christmas diet.

I went out last night, not pregnant also was not fancying drinking (unlikely for me) when someone said 'is there news?' i said, 'yeah, triplets due Xmas eve can you not tell' and laughed it off.

These people are awful and I have every sympathy with you but please stop saying “outed”. I am feeling sensitive about this having had to move on from two jobs due to homophobia. This shouldn’t have happened but it’s not as bad as all that.

I have often suspected people are pregnant if not drinking, sometimes correctly. I never say it out loud just a passing 'oh I wonder, that's nice' Can't understand why people say it out loud, just wait to be told.

Congrats on your pregnancy and best wishes.

Totally unfair to you, you don't have to drink when out, it's not a necessary part of being out. Soft drinks are fine or like you did a non-alcoholic alternative. It's your news, at your own time. I get it.

I'm a plus size woman in a long-term relationship who doesnt drink 98% of the time (cos on a load of meds) when I end up with a group that a few don't know me, I often get the question, so when are you due?

I go away from the person ignoring them and do what I need to, take a few mins in the toilets and warn the common friends that I am going to kill x person if they mention it again, they know by that phrase from me usually I've been asked about my "pregnancy", no its fat.

I sadly can't conceive and if I did the chances of carrying to full term and both of us making it are minimal. The chances are massive that partner would lose both of us and IVF isn't an option either.

Friends know this and that I am very happy for them when they conceive. Always happy to be a godmother

I hope you get texts at least today to apologise for treating you like that xo

WTF does it have to do with homophobia?

You can 'out' anyone for many reasons. It's not all about being gay!

Not that the woman outed the OP anyway, she simply asked if she had any news.

'Outing' her would mean knowing she was pregnant and telling people.

Have we really got to the stage with drinking culture when people feel obliged to make excuses for not drinking and everybody around them notices if they're not?

"I have often suspected people are pregnant if not drinking,"

That's what I find really odd tbh.

I don't understand why people feel the need to pry like that.

I'm afraid its because some people have sad, empty lives and get an ego boost from being "the one who worked it out". I don't care how obvious it is. Some people need to get over their arrogance and realise that, if you haven't told them something, it's because it's none of their sodding business.

So sorry that happened to you.

This is all a bit high drama is it? Pretending to drink, lying about drinking etc. What did you expect? Grow up.

I think personally if I was away for a birthday weekend with friends I'd just come clean. It's one thing getting away with it at a meal or a night out, but if you are together all weekend, don't need to drive anywhere or look after other children it's pretty obvious you are more than likely pregnant. I think your reaction is a little ott if I'm honest, if you were so worried about being found out you should have said you were ill and not gone.

Not an overreaction at all. I've had two mc and am also nearly 8 weeks. I've told no one (bar DH), can't bear the thought of talking about t tbh as I'm so worried it'll all go wrong again. I would have hated that

YANBU
Weird woman to be so obsessed with you and what you're drinking.

I did the soda water with lime and declared it was vodka/soda/lime and not a fan of wine - never got questioned. Another one is I'm on a diet, alcohol has too many empty calories - would prefer to have food instead!

Anyway, hindsight is a wonderful thing.

Tell people when you are good and ready, nobody else's business.

please stop saying “outed”. I am feeling sensitive about this having had to move on from two jobs due to homophobia. This shouldn’t have happened but it’s not as bad as all that.

Are you seriously telling someone who has lost a baby and then had someone out her current pregnancy that your situation is worse than hers?

The word 'outing' can apply to all sorts of situations.

OP, I had a miscarriage followed by another pregnancy and this situation would have made me cry too. Unfortunately, people who've been lucky enough to only have pregnancies with good outcomes often just don't understand how anxious It can feel to be in the early stages of pregnancy.

I wouldn't spend any more time with the group unless there are some apologies and an agreement not ask you any more questions about being pregnant. Can you spend the rest of the holiday just with your husband?

It's not high drama, though, surely? She's had a previous miscarriage. It can be very emotional.

I went to a wedding while in the early stages of pregnancy, after a miscarriage, and I hated the amount of 'ooh, not drinking! ho ho, must be news!' I got. It becomes hurtful, because I had reason to think at that point that the pregnancy probably wouldn't stick (it didn't), and I really just didn't want to explain all of that to every third person.

I think people forget that, if they're celebrating a happy occasion, other people may feel more more ambivalent.

Surely, even if you thought someone was being a little silly, you wouldn't keep pushing at them? And if they burst into tears, wouldn't you realise something was wrong? I think I would.

(I also assumed the 'outing' referred to sexuality when I saw the thread title, but I don't think it was meant to offend.)

The pressure to drink socially is absolutely never-ending and makes me so angry. I was on a hen weekend a few years ago and wasn’t drinking as had just started medication for severe anxiety and depression and had been advised to steer clear of booze. I drank mocktails all weekend, partied till 3am and didn’t stop anyone else’s fun in anyway. One woman harangued me CONSTANTLY for not drinking. Accused me of being pregnant several times a day, asked why I was lying etc etc. I eventually snapped and said that I was on medication due to postnatal anxiety and depression and having had suicidal thoughts and funnily enough I didn’t want to sabotage my treatment by drinking against drs orders. That shut her up but I was fucking furious.