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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

Mum visiting from overseas after birth

54 replies

harriet63 · 17/10/2018 13:38

Hi,

I'm brand new on here and am looking for a little advice. I'm 14 weeks pregnant with my first baby and while my partner and I live in the UK, our parents live in Australia. We decided that, because it's so far to fly, that we'd ask grandparents to arrive three weeks after our due date – this covers us in case I'm late, as would hate everyone to miss baby completely, and gives us some breathing room and space (I really like my space).

My partner's parents were amazing and completely understood. My mum, on the other hand, is trying to insist on coming a week before the birth and staying for three weeks after. This is because of my sister's school holidays, which I understand dictates when they can fly. But I really feel it's too early and too much. The next time they could fly over is 2 months after the birth, which works better for us, but I feel a little bad. I just know my mum will be difficult and need looking after.

Would love to hear what others did with overseas parents visiting!

OP posts:

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BookMeOnTheSudExpress · 17/10/2018 13:39

My Mum came when dd was 3 weeks old. Her help was invaluable, I wish she could have come sooner.

SoyDora · 17/10/2018 19:25

My IL’s came 2 weeks before my due date. Baby was 2 days overdue so they were basically here 2 weeks before and 2 after. It was a bit of a nightmare to be honest, they were on constant ‘labour watch’ which drove me insane, and were very little help after the birth. I found it all too overwhelming having them around in those first couple of weeks. They wanted to do the same for this baby (due end of December) but I put my foot down and told them they can come a few weeks after when things have settled down a bit.

anniehm · 17/10/2018 19:45

We suggested a month after due date. Worked out great as dd arrived on her due date, no complications so when they visited we could go out and about easily, even took a 3 day road trip and went skiing (mum doesn't ski so had both her granddaughters)

Original poster

harriet63 · 17/10/2018 19:57

Thanks everyone! This is all really helpful. I'd love to do three weeks after the birth, but it just doesn't work unfortunately with my sister's school holidays. So I'm stuck with during/directly after the birth (providing baby even comes on time, if he/she doesn't then mum will miss baby entirely!), or two months later. I'd prefer the latter (so does my partner) as I know my mum will be difficult/demanding, and she'll massively stress me out during those early days. There have already been arguments because she wants to sleep on my living room floor for a month (we have a one bed flat!) It also gives us time to get used to baby. But I do feel bad about it being a little longer to wait for her, so feeling stuck and guilty.

OP posts:

SoyDora · 17/10/2018 20:03

I think having a difficult/demanding parent sleeping on your living room floor while heavily pregnant/with a newborn sounds like a recipe for disaster to be honest.
If she comes over your due date and the baby is late meaning she misses it, would she be able to afford to come over again 2 months later? If not I’d position it as not wanting to risk her missing the baby completely and therefore not getting to meet the baby for a long time?

FawnDrench · 17/10/2018 20:03

Your priority is your baby, not overseas visitors, albeit your mum.
Don't be bullied into letting her come when it isn't convenient to you.

A couple of months after the birth would be much better, not least because you'll hopefully have built yourself up a bit to deal with her - she sounds like very hard work.

winterwonderly · 17/10/2018 20:06

If you know she'll be difficult and stress you out then you should delay it until the later option. That's the last thing you need when you're going into labour or trying to find your feet with a new baby, maybe getting the hang of breastfeeding etc. It would be a different matter if you knew she'd be helpful and know when to give you your space.

My first baby came early and my parents were on holiday so we had the first few days to ourself and I really appreciated it. Also don't forget your hormones will be all over the place, I spent a lot of the first few weeks crying about something or other, and I was glad it was mostly only DH who had the pleasure of dealing with me in that state!

Original poster

harriet63 · 17/10/2018 20:14

No she wouldn't be able to afford to come over again, and I've tried to position it as she might miss the baby. Her response is 'I don't think baby will be late'... It's just making me feel very guilty, but everyone is right, I have to think of baby, myself and my partner and having that time to bond comes first. Think I'm going to have to put my foot down and deal with the repercussions!

OP posts:

SoyDora · 17/10/2018 20:15

That’s exactly what MIL said 🙄. Hers came on her due date so obviously everyone else’s do too...

Original poster

harriet63 · 17/10/2018 20:20

Oh boy!

My MIL is luckily being great (she's always easy though), and I know she will be helpful cooking and cleaning and generally helping. Very frustrating when I know my own mum won't be like that and she'll get her feelings hurt if I ask her for space. Strangely it's easier for me to ask my MIL for space.

OP posts:

RandomMess · 17/10/2018 20:31

I think you need to be very firm with your Mum "That doesn't work for us so you'll have to come 2 months later"

BlueBug45 · 17/10/2018 20:32

OP why the guilt?

You are going to be a mother soon and you need to start to learn to fight for your child's best interests. Unfortunately your first fight is with your mother due to her being difficult. Tell her clearly and firmly she is not welcome until the time you want her to stay.

Original poster

harriet63 · 17/10/2018 21:07

Yes you're right. I guess I'm just worried that I'm being unreasonable.

OP posts:

chloechloe · 17/10/2018 21:17

You’re not being unreasonable at all. There are so many unknowns with giving birth and having a new baby that you should only contemplate having somebody to stay if you are 100% sure they will help and you want them there, which is clearly not the case.

My mum flew over 2 weeks after I had my first and it was awful. She was quite happy to cuddle the baby and help to settle her but she didn’t pull a finger out round the house and I ended up running round shopping and cooking for her after having a CS. Total nightmare. I’m not somebody who expects others to help me out but when you’ve just given birth you should be devoting all your energy to your baby and yourself.

Clarashan · 17/10/2018 23:26

Going through this situation as we speak op only difference is im in Australia parents have come from the uk. I asked them to come after baby was born they insisted on nearly 3 weeks before due date. They were supposed to be staying with friends but called 2 days after they arrived saying they were coming to stay with me and dh. Safe to say this didn't go well. Within 5 days I was in tears they were not helpful and wouldn't give me and dh any time alone. They ended up moving into a hotel down the road. They are now crying proverty (even through they go to Mexico for 2 weeks in March and Jamaica for 2 weeks in May - they are not poor) and even talking about changing they're flights to go home a week after dad is born. I'm 40+2 with no signs of her coming soon. Stick to your guns, this situation is already putting a strain on our relationship when it's supposed to be a really happy time! Don't be manipulated like I was

Original poster

harriet63 · 18/10/2018 08:36

Oh god clarashan, that’s awful. I’m so sorry you’re having to go through that. I don’t understand why grandparents seem to think they get priority, both in seeing the baby and that their emotions are apparently more important. I’m already not sleeping when my mum becomes problematic like this and I have a long way to go! Thanks for your honesty, I’m definitely going to put my foot down.

OP posts:

Izniz · 18/10/2018 09:02

Im in exactly the same position, with my mum insisting she has to fly over to the uk from south aftica as I wont be able to cope in labour without her. I have been very clear that even is she is in the uk she wont be anywhere near me when I am in labour as my hubby and I are birth partners.

Tbh, I probaby would have given in to her if it wasnt for my hubby. He only has limited paternity leave and needs time alone with his baby to bond.

Still need to beeak the news that she is only welcome 3 weeks after the birth, guaranteed she wont take it well....

Clarashan · 18/10/2018 10:22

@izniz that's one thing I have been very stern on they are not to be at the birth. I have also told the midwives the situation too as I would not put it past them to just turn up! Today they seem to have been taking it as a personal attack that baby is late, like we are some how doing it on purpose, I've been truly shocked by how they have been acting but it seems like they are not the only ones!

kmreeve · 18/10/2018 11:25

As a mum to 3 iv been around the parental nightmare block a few times.

My personal experience is that after you give birth, it's an incredibly life and hormonal change. You and your partner are entering the next phase of your relationship and bringing a product or your love into the world. It's a one time event ( unless you have more babies, but the first is always different) it is not a time to start accommodating other people's wants and needs above you, your partner and your child's needs.

It is perfectly acceptable to tell people NO, it's is perfectly acceptable to tell people when YOU are ready for them to come.

You won't get this time back and if you are already having bad feelings about the prospect of your mother sleeping on your living room for a month ( which is ludicrous without you being pregnant) then you will harbour ill feelings about and around the atmosphere of your new family bubble for a long time to come.

My advice, state to people when and how long they are to visit for - your terms. They might pout and moan but ultimately they will do as they are told to avoid missing out on seeing the baby altogether.

It's your baby not theirs!!

Sorry if my harshness is just that, but i regret the pandering I did to all our family on our first and the second n third we didn't have a single visitor for 2 weeks.. just us in our family bubble. Magic!

VimFuego101 · 18/10/2018 11:40

I had a similar situation when DS was born. He's 7 now and I still get upset when I think about it. I wish I had put my foot down.

Tilliebean · 18/10/2018 13:14

My mum wanted to come from the US immediately around my due date for DD1. Luckily my sister was also pregnant and due the day after me. So I was able to convince her to wait and see DSis first.. She wanted to wait two weeks... I negotiated for 4 weeks later.

I basically said as above, I might have been 2 weeks late and also I wanted time alone with my new family. Thank god I did. Feeding was a nightmare. I am not normally hormonal but the baby blues hit hard. I was a mess and was glad it was just me and DP. My mum was rewarded by catching DD1’s first smile... Maybe point out how much more engaged the baby will be at 2 months?
For what it’s worth DD2 is 8 days old and my mum and DSis are arriving on Sunday for a week. I’m looking forward to the help this time!

Sexnotgender · 18/10/2018 13:21

I feel your pain!

My in laws are in South Africa and I’ve been VERY firm that I expect a minimum of 3 weeks on our own before they arrive.

My MIL is an absolute delight but a little suffocating, I can put up with that though as my husband is very close to her and I respect their relationship.
FIL however absolutely hates me and the feeling is mutual.
I want to have established breastfeeding and hopefully be in a routine of sorts before I have to cope with him.

The most important people in this are you and the baby. Everyone else needs to fit around you and if that’s 2 months after the birth then tough shit!

SoyDora · 18/10/2018 13:38

Oh and the comments around me feeding the baby in those first few weeks...
‘Feeding again are we? It was 4 hourly in my day. You’ll never get her into a routine’
‘Are you sure you’re producing milk?’
‘You haven’t moved from that sofa since she was born’ (when the baby was 3 days old and cluster feeding)
‘We never get to see the baby’s face, she’s always feeding’
‘Ooh things are different from my day’ (in a disapproving voice)
And
‘Let us know what we can do to help. No cooking or cleaning or anything like that though’

It gives me the heebie jeebies just thinking about it

Sexnotgender · 18/10/2018 13:47

SoyDora that sounds hideous! How did you stay sane?

JassyRadlett · 18/10/2018 13:54

My parents are in Australia too - with DS1 they booked for five weeks after my due date, to make sure he’d be born and to give us time to settle into the new parent thing before they arrived. With DS2 it was about 7 weeks after due date.

Both babies turned up right on time, so we were really settled by the time parents arrived.

Crucially, they stayed in a holiday rental.

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