Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

Mum visiting from overseas after birth

54 replies

harriet63 · 17/10/2018 13:38

Hi,

I'm brand new on here and am looking for a little advice. I'm 14 weeks pregnant with my first baby and while my partner and I live in the UK, our parents live in Australia. We decided that, because it's so far to fly, that we'd ask grandparents to arrive three weeks after our due date – this covers us in case I'm late, as would hate everyone to miss baby completely, and gives us some breathing room and space (I really like my space).

My partner's parents were amazing and completely understood. My mum, on the other hand, is trying to insist on coming a week before the birth and staying for three weeks after. This is because of my sister's school holidays, which I understand dictates when they can fly. But I really feel it's too early and too much. The next time they could fly over is 2 months after the birth, which works better for us, but I feel a little bad. I just know my mum will be difficult and need looking after.

Would love to hear what others did with overseas parents visiting!

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

SoyDora · 18/10/2018 13:55

I didn’t . What’s why they’re not coming until a few weeks after this time, and they can stay in a hotel!

EssentialHummus · 18/10/2018 14:02

I know my mum will be difficult/demanding, and she'll massively stress me out during those early days.

Two months later it is then. Honestly, my mum's similar, and if the choice is no help at all or "help" from my mum, I'd hand on heart go it alone.

NanooCov · 18/10/2018 20:23

I feel your pain. My parents aren't abroad but are at the opposite end of the country. When they visit they require "hosting" and my mum is a total drama llama who stresses me out. She was a total cow with DS1. He ended up on SCBU for a short while - nothing life threatening but just needed a bit of extra help. She told me she would never forgive me if he died and she hadn't had a chance to meet him as we had asked both sets of grandparents to stay away for the first 2 weeks.

When I was pregnant with DS2 we asked my MIL to come and look after DS1 while we were in the hospital (DS2 was induced). My mother in law is fabulous and will cook, clean and generally be an absolute star. My mother was furious and continually berated me about this in the lead up to the birth (we were facing DS2 needing a bit of extra help at delivery too so this was the last thing I needed). I pointed out she had never looked after DS1 before and had never even changed a nappy - she said I had hurt her feelings terribly. In the end my dad had to intervene and tell her to wind her neck in. I don't think I'll ever forgive her for the way she behaved on both occasions. She had no consideration for me, my husband or indeed my babies. It was all about her.

NanooCov · 18/10/2018 20:24

Sorry - so in short, two months after will be just fine! 😄

Original poster

harriet63 · 18/10/2018 23:50

@NanooCov oh god that’s terrible that you had to go through all of that. It’s good that you had a very helpful MIL!

I put my foot down and told my mum 2 months after reading everyone’s responses (which have been so helpful and given me courage!) She isn’t responding... 😬

OP posts:

aidelmaidel · 19/10/2018 00:02

Oh well done op. Having your mum on your sitting room floor doing labour watch would be awful. I had my mum around in the first few days but she's the nice helpful type who doesn't make work. My MIl is more like your mum sounds, and we let her know she'd be welcome to visit us but stay in a hotel, starting about 3 months after the birth. She wasn't best pleased but she survived.

Sexnotgender · 19/10/2018 07:57

I’d love my in laws to stay in a hotel when they’re here. Unfortunately our house is more than big enough to house them.
Having someone else in your space for weeks at a time is so difficult though.

SoyDora · 19/10/2018 07:59

So is ours Sexnotgender but I’ve still said no this time! I’ve learned my lesson after last time.

Fieau · 19/10/2018 08:06

Stay strong!! And definitely tell her she needs to stay somewhere else.... Having a guest for a month is stressful at anytime, especially after having a baby.

We live quite near both sets of grandparents but asked for short visits to start with after we had the baby, and had lots of days to ourselves as a family of three. Those are not only precious memories, but also meant we could find our feet as parents without being watched and judged. (so by the time they started giving unwanted advice we knew enough to just ignore them!!)

Sexnotgender · 19/10/2018 08:07

I’d love to but they couldn’t afford it and my husband would be upset if his mum couldn’t stay with us.
His mum I can handle, secretly hoping his dad doesn’t come though!

DrinkFeckArseGirls · 19/10/2018 08:14

It doesn't sound like your sister is coming with DM. So someone must be staying with her? Therefore why cannot your DM come outside the school holidays IYSWIM?

AnotherEmma · 19/10/2018 08:35

Although it’s difficult, it’s really important that you start establishing boundaries with your mother now, before your baby is born. Pregnancy, childbirth and looking after a newborn are difficult. You have to prioritise the needs of yourself and your baby from now onwards. In an ideal world our parents would help and support us, but in many cases the family drama is more of a hindrance than a help.

I don’t want to scaremonger but there is a chance that your mother is going to great stress and upset for you, whatever happens with the visit (based on what you’ve said about her) so my advice is to try and remember that you and baby are the priority. You are probably in the FOG (fear, obligation and guilt) with her most of the time. You can’t fix that overnight but you can be aware of it.

I strongly recommend the book “Toxic Parents” by Susan Forward. The title can be off putting if you think your parent is “not that bad” but please do read it, it’s still a very helpful book even if your parent’s manipulation is subtle (rather than the more obvious abuse).

On a practical note, i would suggest that you put a limit on the length of time you are prepared for her to stay in your home (if at all!) and suggest she stays in an airbnb or holiday rental for the rest (or all) of the time.

Personally my limit is a week, but it depends on you and your partner, the space you have and the timing of the visit of course.

I didn’t want visitors to arrive before the birth either... but PILs did. They didn’t stay with us but we were still disappointed that they didn’t respect our wishes - and they had less time with DS as they had to leave a few days after we got home from hospital! Their loss, but still sad for us.

Original poster

harriet63 · 20/10/2018 11:25

@AnotherEmma you're right. I did explain to my mum that she wouldn't be staying with us (we live in a tiny one bed flat and she wanted to stay, along with her partner who I've met once and my 16-year-old sister! Talk about inappropriate! Three extra adults in one house, on top of DP and new baby - it makes me angry even thinking about it!)

She did seem to come to terms with this (didn't apologise or respond directly to it, merely started with the old 'why aren't you moving home to Australia, it's not fair I won't get to see my grandchild as much...') I ignored this.

I've also put my foot down and said she (along with her partner and my sister) can come in June only. She isn't talking to me...

OP posts:

RandomMess · 20/10/2018 11:46

She's not talking to you??

Result

Gitfeatures · 20/10/2018 16:25

"And this is why it's not going to work, having you on my living room floor for a month, because when I say something you don't like, you sulk or try to guilt trip me- I don't need an atmosphere in my house when I'm preparing to give birth."

TryingToStayRational · 20/10/2018 16:49

Sorry you’re going through this OP, but it sounds like you’ve done the right thing, especially given her reaction! My mum only lives a couple of hours away but I also find having her around super stressful and am currently working out how to manage her. I’m more stressed about dealing with her than I am about giving birth (at least drugs are an option for the latter!), which is ridiculous really. I hope your Mum sees sense and behaves like an adult soon.

Original poster

harriet63 · 20/10/2018 16:57

@RandomMess

Though in all seriousness it is so infuriating that she's being so damn selfish.

@Gitfeatures that is exactly what i would love to say - and I'm getting close if she keeps behaving this way!

@TryingToStayRational sorry to hear you're going through this too, I completely agree - mother's are more stressful and scary than the birth! I just want to get on with being excited, but at every turn she's got another problem, be it one thing or another... I hope she sees sense soon too, though my sister has warned me I'm about to get an earful! Going back to Australia for a month for Christmas too, so that's going to be fun!

OP posts:

Sexnotgender · 20/10/2018 18:21

She wanted 3 adults to come that’s ludicrous!!

I was pissed at having to host 4 adults and 2 kids for 3 weeks and I have more than enough room. No chance I’d have hosted them in a smaller place.

Original poster

harriet63 · 20/10/2018 18:42

It is insane @Sexnotgender! She seems to have let that one go (for now). Currently, her problem is that I don't want her here in the week before the birth and the two weeks directly after (for space and baby might be late anyway). The next time she (and my sister) can come is in June, which I think is fine. She obviously has a problem with it!

OP posts:

Sandsnake · 20/10/2018 18:55

Well done! Surely June will be so much better all round? Better weather, baby will definitely be here and likely more settled / feeding less so more opportunities for cuddles. And if your in-laws are coming three weeks after the birth then they should
be gone by the time your mum’s over - meaning she won’t have to share any of the grandparenting!

ForgivenessIsDivine · 20/10/2018 18:57

Just adding to the evidence ... My sister had Mum over before the birth of her first, my nephew had to be 'blasted out'.. my sister's words, and in hindsight, my sister believes my Mum's undermining affected the initial bond between her and her first born. When she was pregnant with her second, Mum came to visit me for 4 hours and my sister went into labour and delivered in that 4 hour window. For my first, I did ask them not to come until after baby was born, they refused and were labour watching and doing things around the house that I hadn't asked for including threatening to have the roof repaired while I was in the labour.
ward. I eventually asked them to visit my sister for the weekend and miraculously went into labour when they were away. Much later when Mum was having a strop she said she 'felt unwelcome' and felt she was pushed away and ordered to leave and visit my sister. I did point out that perhaps that was necessary as the baby arrived while she was away. Prior to this stop, I had asked her over to help as I had gone back to work and DS was unwell. She came, then threw a strop and left not telling anyone where she had gone. You cannot manufacture a perfect mother daughter relationship just because you are pregnant and this is probably difficult for your face up to. Good luck and I wish you a bubble of love and protection for the arrival of your baby.

RandomMess · 20/10/2018 19:03

Her behaviour over your reasonable request tells you everything you need to know!

Why on earth would anyone think it's appropriate for a teen and 2 adults to come stay in a one bed flat with a newborn

Original poster

harriet63 · 20/10/2018 19:04

@Sandsnake that's what I think! And have tried to tell mum that, but no response.

@ForgivenessIsDivine that sounds incredibly painful. It does become one of those times when you daydream about that perfect mother/daughter relationship doesn't it? And then you have to remind yourself that the relationship isn't going to change just because you're pregnant. I have to keep telling myself that. I become all romantic about things and then my mum behaves terribly and I can't believe I fell for it once again! Thanks for the thoughts!

OP posts:

ForgivenessIsDivine · 20/10/2018 21:15

That sentence should have read 'I think it's difficult for your mother to face up to'. I think you are more than half way there as you already know it will be difficult so are facing it head on..

RedDrink · 20/10/2018 22:17

My Mother tried repeatedly to convince me she needed to be here right after our daughter was born. I said no repeatedly and that she could come 1 month after my due date which is when she came to visit.

Your Mum doesn't need looking after, she's an adult.

Like most new parents you'll likely be taking loads of pictures and videos of your baby, just send those to your Mum. A skype video call would be nice too.

Flip

1 2 3