In - Law advice. Uninvited daily visits after the birth!!

[cupcake78]

I am already dreading this and really need some advice on how you have coped.

I told them yesterday that once baby is born not to be suprised if the phone is taken off the hook and people are given times to come and visit for the first two weeks. I have a big family and this is the first baby for them so I am going to have to control it somehow as there has been mention of people coming while I am in hospital, YES DURING LABOUR!!!! I don't think so

The look on my MIL's face. You would think I had just told her we were moving away and not giving her a forwarding address. She was very very put out to say the least!!! and she really thinks I "have to be joking" and that " I am already an overprotective mother". She has been saying that she can't wait to come and take baby out every day. But it's my baby and what about all of my family.

I didn't think this to be unreasonable. Especially after she said she is going to look after her only grandaughter while her other DIL is having her baby and then they will be asked to leave once they are home. Which I completely understand and don't see anything wrong with it. Comments such as "My toothbrush will not have even been unpacked" etc etc. The difference is they live over 100 miles away so visits have to be planned etc.

She only lives 10 miles away from us!!

Am I being unreasonable???

I think it depends on what type of person you are. For some women, those first few days is when they are at their most vulnerable and they can't face visitors.

Oh I agree there! I think everyone feels vulnerable after birth!

I preferred it my way because everyone feels the need to visit the baby and I don't think I would've coped if everyone was in my house.

Plus hospital visiting hours means you have someone else who can say TIME UP without you being made to look like the bad guy!

But if like me you've been in labour for 14 hours, deliver at 4am then stay awake all night and morning because ds cries and will not settle in crib next to hospital bed so you have to hold him and don't want to fall asleep and drop him as bed has no sides............well, quite frankly you don't want visitors turning up at 2pm.

No advice sorry I'm just glad my mil lives a very long way away. I think I would get hysterical if she came anywhere near me soon after having a baby, however my sil is another story whilst being very happy to sit in the delivery room for hours (we had actaully been moved but lo was only a few hours)when she reproduced we were not allowed to visit for nearly 3 weeks then we were summoned for an 'audience'. I only went because I didn't want to cause any upset but won't be playing that game this time round. Just remember that most people only want to 'see' the baby iyswim and once they have done so will happily leave you and dh to get on with it.

I had a pretty horrible birth first time round too, and as lovely as the hospital staff were it was nice to see friends and family for 2 hours out of 24 that I had only to sleep, watch baby sleep, bf, shower, bf, sleep, watch baby sleep.....

I was glad to get home and I think having all our visitors there would've been to stressful.

I didn't find the recovery/tiredness side too bad in the first few days as I was on a bit of a high, the first few months were more difficult for me, and then if OP is anything like me thats when she'll need some help.

I think OP should keep quiet until baby is born and then play it by ear x

Did anyone else feel a bit sad when people stopped getting as excited about the baby, after a few months?

Visitor of new baby - OOOOOH look at his tiny little feet, and tiny little hands...so how was the birth...how big was he...who does he look like...oh he just smiled...how cute is that sneeze..you sit there I'll get that for you... etc, etc..

Visitor of 18 month old baby - Isn't he big?...so anyway how are you/work/dp/get us a coffee will you!

I would try and enjoy it while it lasts if you can x

I too am dreading the arrival of PIL. They are coming from Spain for two weeks and have already booked the flights for 1 x week after due date. They are also bringing SIL who had an awful accident at Christmas and is now in a wheelchair... She is coming out of re-hab hospital especially. I don't want to sound mean but our house is not wheelchair friendly at all (small cottage) and I'm so worried about her having a crap time and it kicking off all sorts of baby related emotions for her (she is just 30 and single, and wanting babies). On top of all this there is the claustrophobic, control freakish, really loud, Spanish parents who I know are also going to stress me out within minutes of arrival... (they always do, even when not pg!).

Its going to be such an emotional time as I haven't seen darling SIL since the accident although have spoken to her almost daily. I'm so worried am going to collapse in a heap of tears in front of her. Then I also obviously have to think about my DD or DS who is going to be brand new and wanting to bond with his mum?!?

I just wish I could have a bit more time to get used to being a mum before everyone arrived AIBU?

Cornishpixie - no you are not being unreasonable! You need time to be with your new little family and to get used to it all. Trying to get the hang of breastfeeding (if that's what you choose), lack of sleep, emotions all over place, bleeding like it's gooing out of fashion PLUS dealing with SIL's emotions and demanding PIL's sounds like a recipe for disaster. Get them booked into a hotel ASAP!

CP - how on earth did they get/or assume permission for a visit so soon after due date...?

I don't think there is a right or wrong answer here. The priority is you, dh and your new lo (and any other children you have). As to when you are ready to have visitors that depends on what sort of person you are and what your relationship with them is like.

WIth our ds we said both sets of grandparents were welcome to come and visit when we were still in hospital but when we went home we wanted to do so as a family on our own and didn't want visitors to stay with us while dh was on paternity leave. After that my mum came for 10 days to help (I had an emergency section and couldn't drive etc) and mil after that for a few days. This worked great, noone was upset or put out. Maybe we were lucky.

Some people need firm handling and to be told what you want in no uncertain terms or they will be in your face every 5 mins. Others are more flexible and understanding and don't need to be told - they know already. Agree not to alienate people though as you will be appreciative of help later but at the same time there are some who only respond to you being really blunt!

Cupcake don't spend too much time worrying about it. I agree to try and find something your mil can do to help in the first couple of weeks is a good idea. Visiting her rather than the other way round also a good plan as well as YOU can control when to leave and if you 'forget' the buggy (what a shame!!) she can't take your lo out anyway! But above all make sure you don't get bulldozed into a situation you're not happy with or that makes you feel uncomfortable at this special time.

It depends so much on the personalities of those involved. With my first baby I was in hospital 5 days. The ILs came every day, sometimes twice a day. MIL brought her sister. The sister then came again with her DD, and again with her neighbour. We left hospital and the visiting continued- always in the evenings. The ILs would arrive at 7.30pm and be still sat there at 10.30pm. They have no conversational skills at all. Basically MIL sits with baby, muttering drivel like "how can people hurt 'em". She wouldn't hand the baby over to feed and wouldn't go home. DH wouldn't say anything. This has affected our relationship for 21 years.

With no 2, 3 and 4 we had repeat performance, but with the added bonus of "nanny" ignoring child 1, 2 & 3 (as appropriate) to coo over new one.

Not surprisingly the ILs were banned for 2 weeks from seeing no 5. They've actually only seen her twice (she's 13 weeks) and don't seem interested. Their problem, and my relief.

There is a book (you can buy on Amazon) called 'How to be a good granny' (or something similar by someone fearnley-whittingshall. Its great and full of the 'don't give unsolicited advice' kind of advice!! How about buying this book for your mil? You could say something like 'I know you're excited about being a granny - I saw this and thought you'd like it!'. Unless she has skin like rhino hide it might make her think a bit more about how here domineering behaviour might not be a great plan without you having to be too confrontational with her?

There is a book (you can buy on Amazon) called 'How to be a good granny' (or something similar by someone fearnley-whittingshall. Its great and full of the 'don't give unsolicited advice' kind of advice!! How about buying this book for your mil? You could say something like 'I know you're excited about being a granny - I saw this and thought you'd like it!'. Unless she has skin like rhino hide it might make her think a bit more about how here domineering behaviour might not be a great plan without you having to be too confrontational with her?

Ooops didn't mean to post twice!!!

Thanks for your support guys... you are fab. I don't feel so mean now for feeling what I do!

We will cope I guess, I'd already pushed them back a week on the arrival date... they originally wanted to come on my due date (10 July) so at least I get a week - if the darling arrives on time. Afraid DH is useless at standing up to his parents (don't get me started!) so it's left up to me to be the 'bad cop'. It's first grandchild and they are Spanish so 'permission to visit' doesn't seem to come into it for them. Oh well, my sister has promised to help out, make lots of tea and fend them off at the bedroom door if necessary!

One good thing about MIL 'taking baby out every day' (though it does seem a bit OTT)would be half an hour to tidy up, bikini wax, blow dry, put washing on, cook... just a thought!

Haven't read all the posts but you are not being unreasonable. You don't know what might happen or how you might feel. Yes a first grandchild is a big thing for grandparents, but first and foremost it is you and your DH's baby and you have to have time to bond and get your head around what you are doing.

If MIL is so local can you not leave it that she will be notified of visiting hours at the hospital and then after that you will call her once you are home to tell her when you need her?

I have a horrible in law story from my first birth. I delivered naturally 2 weeks early (and 3 days before an elective c-section!), but was home the same day (birth happened v fast...half in the cab). My in-laws decided that they were going to come from France 2 days after the birth, and stay 2 nights.

Prior to the birth, I told DH that I didn't want to see his parents for the first 6 weeks. MIL is very domineering, but is quite stupid with poor judgement. She really f*cked up with her own kids, and I didn't trust her with a newborn). Also, she is quite judgemental, and if I don't serve her 4 course meals twice a day, I know she is tut-tutting.

This meant that the day after I gave birth, I was walking with newborn 1 mile to the grocery store, and cleaning my flat top to bottom. For two days, I was cooking, cleaning, and waiting on MIL and she didn't even tell me to stop and rest, or offer to help in any way. She thought it was to-be-expected.

One week later, my mother came and it was completely different. She didn't do that much for baby, but she took care of me and made sure I was eating, drinking, and resting.

This time, in-laws are definitely banned for 2 months (if not 3), and my parents are coming 2 weeks prior to delivery.

Yikes MG, that sounds horrible!! Think i would have preferred to let her tut-tut at me than run around after a selfish cow like that!

What is with this perception that the grandparents have 'rights'? I love my mum and dad, but if I ask them to steer clear for a couple of days after I give birth they will (and indeed did the last time round). It's called respect for the freaky hormonal woman who just had a baby.

Hell.

To anyone having issues, just lay down the law. If you want no visitors, lock the door and hide if you have to. You have no obligations to anybody except yourself and your new baby.

Agnes

bikini wax????? amexgirl!! you certainly have a better postnatal time of it than me lol

are you me, morning
glory??

definitely not being unreasonable but see how you feel after the birth. I am always overprotective, hormonal mess, but weirdly mil also seems to go a bit hormonally haywire so is always a great time

If they do keep turning up and you are bf, just go upstairs to feed baby shortly after they arrive, lie down on bed to feed and fall asleep. Or pretend to have fallen asleep if anyone comes to check. Worked every time for me.

You know what? Thing may not go as planned, you cant now really know what you will want after the baby is born.

When DS1 was born, I had asked NO visitors at the hospital, but I was pleased that my best friend, my husbands aunt and uncle (we have no other family in this country) came by anyway. When we got home from the hospital, turned out husbands aunt has booked a week off work, and she came every day and cooked and cleaned, did the laundry went shopping, and it was a godsend.

When DS2 was born, I had my MIL (from Poland) staying for a month, and my sister, and her 11 year old daughter (from Norway)for a mont, AND my husbands colleague from India, these people were put up for A MONTH at the same time. Actually the girl from India stayed 3 months. This had not been the plan. And it for sure did NOT work out.

It has been a while now since I posted this and I think MIL is getting the picture.

I don't mind help and I will be more than willing to accept this from anyone as I know I will probably need it. I also accept that people will want to see the baby when he is just born.

What I will not have is people coming and taking the baby (getting all the nice bits) and expecting me to make tea, meals do washing up etc.

I think the message is beginning to get through. However, she has now started with "I will come and decorate your nursery for you, I think green would be nice" etc etc. She has even drawn plans for where the cot should go! and what I need for changing, involving shelves and everything.

She needs to get a pet!!

Wait till she finds out we started painting yesterday and it is not green.

I'm having exactly the same anxieties!

Expecting baby 3 in September.

My IL's live 3 hours away, so will obviously need to stay with us when they come to visit. MIL is an angel and plays lots with the older 2. FIL is a different matter, he is noisy, tactless, messy and has a snappy pampered dog. And he gets up early in the morning and wakes us up.

I can't believe that I have 3 months to go and already I'm really stressing about this!

I didn't think to say no to visitors when I'd had DS1 and DS2, I remember hating it at the time, and just running off and hiding/crying until they had gone. Once I 'hid' in the bath for over an hour, and it got cold in there!!!!

Right, assertiveness skills needed now!!!!!!!!!! I'm a bit older now, so hopefully will be able to say no