Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

In - Law advice. Uninvited daily visits after the birth!!

86 replies

cupcake78 · 12/06/2007 12:01

I am already dreading this and really need some advice on how you have coped.

I told them yesterday that once baby is born not to be suprised if the phone is taken off the hook and people are given times to come and visit for the first two weeks. I have a big family and this is the first baby for them so I am going to have to control it somehow as there has been mention of people coming while I am in hospital, YES DURING LABOUR!!!! I don't think so

The look on my MIL's face. You would think I had just told her we were moving away and not giving her a forwarding address. She was very very put out to say the least!!! and she really thinks I "have to be joking" and that " I am already an overprotective mother". She has been saying that she can't wait to come and take baby out every day. But it's my baby and what about all of my family.

I didn't think this to be unreasonable. Especially after she said she is going to look after her only grandaughter while her other DIL is having her baby and then they will be asked to leave once they are home. Which I completely understand and don't see anything wrong with it. Comments such as "My toothbrush will not have even been unpacked" etc etc. The difference is they live over 100 miles away so visits have to be planned etc.

She only lives 10 miles away from us!!

Am I being unreasonable???

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

theressomethingaboutmarie · 12/06/2007 14:04

I disagree with Pheebe: there is of course excitement on the behalf of the grandparents but I fail to see why that overrides the needs of the new parents, particularly the mother.

You need time to bond with your child and to go through at least the initial discomfort of breastfeeding, bleeding etc in an environment where you are completely comfortable. Your hormones are going to be all over the place and you are no doubt going to be incapable of small talk.

Do what feels right for you - the grandparents had their chance to deal with their new arrivals in their way - this is YOUR time.

Pheebe · 12/06/2007 16:06

TBH I think thats just selfish and mean-spirited - in my humble opinion of course

We're expecting number 2 in October and will have open house most afternoons again I suspect, especially when DS is around so he gets lots of fuss and attention. Always on the understanding that if everyone pitches in and if I start crying everyone goes away

I can't understand the need to keep everyone at arms length, its a new baby not some monster that needs special care. And in a few weeks you'll be crying out for people to come and give you a hand or an hours respite and it won't be easily forgotten that they weren't wanted at the start.

Pheebe · 12/06/2007 16:07

Just spoke to my DH about it and he said the same. He'd be really hurt if I didn't want/wouldn't let his mum and dad at least come round and spend a bit of time with him and his new baby. We can't be the only ones with a friendly family who get along!!!!

nuttygirl · 12/06/2007 16:15

Just wanted say that while you're pg it's not really worth the stress of telling them what you want (my ILs weren't listening at that point either). It's much easier to wait til you've had it and say (or get DH to say) "I'm sorry but Cupcake's not feeling up to visitors at the moment".

Also when they do come make sure you say "Feel free to put the kettle on and make yourselves a cuppa" rather than would you like one!!!

(And if you get really fed up tell them to F off, burst into tears and shove 'em out the door...then blame the hormones!)

nuttygirl · 12/06/2007 16:18

Pheebe - I didn't want my ILs visiting right away because I felt uncomfortable having them there when I didn't feel at all well and had hormones flying around, getting upset over everything. It's not that I didn't want them to see the baby.

bumperlicious · 12/06/2007 16:31

Don't get me started on this subject. Had a big fight with my mother this weekend when I said (and not even including her in this) we'll probably say no visitors for the first week or two. She got in a huge stop and said people will come round anyway and it's rude to say no visitors - well I think it's rude to go round uninvited to a house with a newborn baby!

She said "well, I won't be dictated to by you, I will come and visit if I want to"

Fortunately only my friends live locally and none of them would take offense at this or come round unannounced within the first 2 weeks. Most of the family live at least two hours away and if they are stupid enough to come all this way without even asking then they'll find a locked door!

My advice is to stay in hospital for as long as you can, at least they have visiting hours and you can just tell the midwives or nurses that you are not up to visitors.

Bloody hell, why do families have to be so annoying and imposing at a time when we are going to be feeling our most vulnerable and crappy.

purplemonkeydishwasher · 12/06/2007 16:38

YANBU!

When my ds was born my MIL came over all the time. would often come over with BIL in tow in the evening. which as everyone knows is not the best time of day for a newborn! It was not good.

looking back i wish that i had been more firm about this. not to my MIL but to my DH. he should have realized that it was too much and told her to cut down on the visits.

you are going to be tired and emotional as well. that's the time that things get said. (believe me, I know!!)

ProfYaffle · 12/06/2007 16:40

Stick to your guns. With both dd's we managed to engineer a quick initial visit from my parents and PIL (2nd time round in hospital, excellent idea) and then longer visits a week or two later.

It was easy for us as PIL are very private, resvered people and were uncomfortable with the idea of visiting while I was feeling wretched and hormonal (I might ... gasp ... show an emotion of some kind).

My parents live 250 miles away so have to stay with us for a few days when they come and they understood we didn't want prolonged houseguests immediately after the birth so they had one overnight visit followed by a week long stay once dh had gone back to work.

Everyone seemed happy with the arrangements (or didn't moan at us anyway)

NKF · 12/06/2007 16:40

I know if people have decided to refuse visitors they will but many grandparents will find it hurtful. You might think it's unreasonable for them to feel hurt - and so the threads will continue - but they will be. Nobody should be surprised to receive a negative reaction to that decision.

bumperlicious · 12/06/2007 16:41

Pheebe, cupcake is not saying her inlaws can't visit, but just that she is expecting them to visit within certain times, and it would seem that the MIL wants to "take the baby out every day", which I'm sure cupcake doesn't want her to do int he first couple of weeks! I don't think she is being mean. The thing is when you do this for the first time you have no idea how you are going to feel, and bad experiences during those first few weeks can really stick with you, so I think she should just do what she thinks is best for her and her baby and DH. Everyone else comes second.

NKF · 12/06/2007 16:44

I also agree with the poster who said not to say anything before the birth. It just sets up ill feelings unecesarily. Who knows? She might be desperate for help afterwards and want people around. The sense of isolation can be the hardest thing.

nuttygirl · 12/06/2007 16:47

NKF - it was me that said that, and you've just pointed out the reason why! I felt awful after giving birth (bad birth experience, bad back & as it turned out v anaemic) and phoned my mum to beg her to come down after saying for months not to come for 2 weeks. I really wish I'd not said anything before the baby was born because I know it upset my mum to be told that I didn't want her to come for 2 weeks.

NKF · 12/06/2007 16:49

Nuttygirl - was she there like a shot?

nuttygirl · 12/06/2007 16:53

Yep...she rang my dad to get him to finish work early and make the 2.5 hr drive here!

Princesspowersparkle · 12/06/2007 17:03

I think that grandparents shouldn't be made to wait 2 weeks. BUT they should only come at a time agreeable to you. Even if its the day after but for only a hour. The problems start when they live far away and expect to be put up for a week or 2. To me that isn't fair on the new parents. I know it is an exciting time for them, but as long as they get to see their grandchild at an acceptable time for the parents then I think thats OK.
When I first got PG I was adament that I wouldn't let anyone (inc my parents) visit us in hospital. Now I'm nearly there and I have completely changed my mind. They would have to come at a set time (hospital visiting hours) and it means that DH can pop home and have a nap/ rest etc safe in the knowledge I'm not left on my own. Plus I would have felt mean making them wait to see their first grandchild.
I don;'t think Cupcake is being unreasonable when she is worried about her MILs comment of 'I can't wait to talke the baby out everyday' etc. Sometimes grandparents can get carried away and forget how big a time this is for you. Bigger than for them thats for sure!
Everyone is different- just make sure you choose to do what is best for you and your new family.
PPS X

bananabump · 12/06/2007 17:19

My dp told me months ago that mil had said she would stay with us as soon as baby was born for a week to help out.

I appreciated the sentiment (and certainly don't want to stop her seeing the baby or her son obviously) but the thought of someone I don't know too well staying in our teeny little house while I was getting used to the baby, breastfeeding, getting baby blues etc upsets me. Plus my house is generally messy and hers is immaculate, and I really don't think I'd take criticism well about the state of the house directly after the birth.

So I suggested we go and stay with her a few days after he was born, 3 1/2 hour car journey in august- not ideal but I hoped it was a compromise. Have no idea how it will work in practise. Worried about stupid things like bleeding on her sheets.

Clydesdaleclopper · 12/06/2007 17:35

I have to say I'm also really worried about the in laws visiting. My MIL is very domineering and my DH usually just gives in to her. They live 3.5 hours away and we have told them that we won't have anywhere for them to stay as the spare bedroom is going to be the nursery. Their response was that they will stay in a local hotel (so far so good) but can their dog stay in our house as they won't be able to take it in the hotel We already have 2 dogs of our own and theirs is very badly behaved (chases our cat, jumps up etc)and our house is not big enough for 3 dogs even without a new baby. I have told DH that I want 2 weeks without visitors but I'm worried his mum is just going to think that it doesn't apply to her. What do I do?

BellaLasagne · 12/06/2007 17:42

Lock the door, close the curtains and unplug the phone

NKF · 12/06/2007 18:03

You can't have the dog. Extraordinary that they even asked. But I suppose if you're a bit of an animal friendly family, it doesn't seem so odd.

ejt1764 · 12/06/2007 20:09

NKF - I didn't say for nobody to visit at all (and I don't think cupcake is too), and I think others are the same - both sets of parents came to see us in hospital ... it's just that we had requested no houseguests for the first week.
For mil and fil to then decide they wanted to come and stay without giving us the chance to say 'no' was horrendous ... I had mil with her face 6" from my boob whilst I was trying to establish feeding, I wasn't allowed to hold my own baby - mil kept taking him off me ... and as for issues around the bathroom ...
If they completely over-rule us again I think I will be quite within my rights to tell them to go home ... they will probably never speak to us again (the only time we tried to ask them to do things a bit differently, they refused to speak to us for 3 months)

If cupcake doesn't want mil coming to take over, then it is up to her ...

PurpleLostPrincess · 12/06/2007 21:52

ejt what an awful experience, you poor thing !!!!!

I'm blessed to have had a lovely MIL in my last marriage (still good friends with her) and a lovely MIL this time too. She is quite elderly and lives about 2 hours drive away. I have to say it hadn't crossed my mind until now about what would happen, I guess she and her dh will come and visit. We haven't got anywhere for them to stay so it might have to be just for the day which is fine with me - haven't got a clue when they would be thinking of visiting as dh isn't very close with his mum. However, his sister lives about 4 hours drive away and I'm hoping she will come visit really soon as she is sooo lovely and we are really close with her.

At the end of the day, it depends on how your family are. If they don't think the same way as you, you'll have to be very clear about how you feel and your preferences otherwise they are likely to just do whatever they want.

However, if they are friendly and you are able to talk with them, be honest and relaxed and they're most likely to pick up on what would be best. Also depends on how well you know them and how well they know you!

As for taking the baby out, that's just ridiculous!! Surely she was referring to when baby is older?? You need to bond and have time together with your lo and if she wants to bond or have time, she can do it on your schedule and on your terms!!! I don't think I let anybody babysit for my DS when he was born for at least 6 months as I just didn't feel comfortable leaving him (got easier with DD)!

Hope you manage to find what works for you!

Wintersun · 12/06/2007 22:36

I don't think you are being unreasonable.
We didn't tell anyone at all when I went into labour as I knew Pils would be round like a shot (they live 10mins away!).
After I had ds, they came round every single day for a good few hrs at a time. They did nothing to help and I really resented them being there all the time when I was an emotional wreck with stitches and trying to establish breast feeding.
I still feel resentful and I don't think our relationship will ever recover.
I had no intention of shutting them out but after the birth is such an overwhelming and emotional time and I could have done with some space (and some help!).

plummymummy · 12/06/2007 22:49

Last time dh and I were very accommodating with visitors. Mum and mil visited before I even had the chance to shower. Left em to it - handed them ds and went for a shower. Then they were over several times during the first two weeks along with family and friends. Tbh we were caught up in it all and were trying to hard to please everyone. This time we will be more selfish. No hospital visits unless I am in for more than one day. Two visits at home from mum and mil per week in initial fortnight. Everyone else can visit after. It might be our last baby and we want that time together on our own as a family.

cornsilk · 12/06/2007 22:51

I would keep front door locked and when MIL appears go up to your room with the baby. Your dh can tell her that you're sleeping. She can then either help around the house for a few hours or get bored and go. If she sorts your house out for you, you may begin to see her in a different light!

hippopotamouse · 12/06/2007 22:56

Why not get it over and done with in the first few days? I found close family and friends were not quite as annoying as the stragglers - next door neighbours, friends of friends and so on!

I was in hospital for two days/one night with ds, so had 4 visiting slots. I filled these with all relatives close by and MIL and my parents came most of those times.

ALL of our close friends came (at the same time) the second day we were home which gave us time to settle. They stayed no longer than an hour and left me and DP to celebrate new baby.

DP had all celebrations on the night I was in hospital so I didn't need to worry about anything.

Wish I could have told the HV to feck off sometimes - she was there every day for a good hour!

Flip

1 2 3 4