In two minds about having a second child?

[PasstheStarmix]

Hi, I really want a second child for the following reasons:

1. A playmate for DS who loves other children and due to his sociable personality type it looks like he’d benefit from a sibling.

1. We have a spare bedroom that is screaming out for a nother child to grace it.

1. Me and dh feel like our family would be complete with a second child and feel like somebody is missing.

Reasons I’m unsure:

1. I hate being pregnant and had a very traumatic birth the first time around. What if it’s traumatic again can I cope?

1. I’m scared, can I cope with a baby and toddler at the same time? We have no support.

1. Things are just starting to settled down with 18 month old ds, he’s been a very difficult baby although extremely lovable.

1. I’m scared having a second baby would be the wrong decision and there’s no going back.

I keep going back and forth and and myself and dh have agreed to start trying and I’m bloody terrified. I haven’t stopped taking my pill yet and keep saying I will in just one more day. Please help. Has anybody felt so conflicted about a second baby and went ahead with it? What was the outcome?

Have you had any help/counselling over your previous birth?

I did this for ages. Everytime we decided to try something happened (gall bladder surgery, wisdom tooth removal) then in June we decided to try. Our son is almost 3.
Got pregnant the first month trying which was a huge shock and I'm now 8+4. I had a little wobble initially but I'm now already so pleased we went for it. I know it's the right choice.
Only you can make the decision but for me it was the thought that I'd always regret not trying and I knew I wouldn't regret another baby no matter how hard it is.

It has taken me nearly 4 years to decide to go for number 2! Coil being removed soon.

Why rush? See how you feel in 6 months.

Thanks for your replies, I feel alittle rushed because if I have two children I always wanted them to be close in age. I also am not getting any younger and don’t want to increase risks waiting too long.

Thanks BlueBug45 I haven’t but feel I’m more scared of the unknown than what is gone before if that makes sense. It took me along time to get over it.

has*

Do it!

I was in a similar position to yourself. My first pregnancy was OK but I had a difficult birth with first and he was a difficult baby as well for the first few months. He was almost 18 months when I fell pregnant with my youngest. I'll be honest my second pregnancy was hard, I ended up in the hospital for a week before I had him. Birth was easier cos I had a planned c-section and we put plans in place for eldest to go to the childminder etc in the first month when youngest was born. It's not been easy. But it has been a lot of fun as well. They are 5 and 3 now and both going to school next week. I'm glad all the baby stuff is over and done with. They're both really close as well.

Thanks Fatted that’s exactly it I’ve found the baby phase really trying and I keep thinking but it’s getting better but if we have another we’ll be right back there. As you say it’s a small price to pay though as it will get better like it has for you.

This is exactly me. My DS is 19 momths and I've been thinking about no2 for about 6 months now. My husband just isn't ready yet. Although I had an easy pregnancy the birth was horrific and took me a while to get over. DS was also a terrible sleeper and I had very little support with him. I have always wanted 2 children and DS is just so loving and adorable that I think it would just be great with another. DH thinks I'm crazy and I wonder that too. But I figure, a second baby couldn't sleep any worse than DS did - and I managed to get through that. I think I was also in alot of shock after the birth so I would try and do as much as possible to minimise that in future.

I was in a similar boat to you - DH was more sure than I was (we both found the baby years really hard). Eventually decided to go for it and we were both very enthusiastic about the idea of baby#2. However it took nearly a year to get pregnant by which time the age gap was getting bigger than I'd like, then I had a mmc, followed by a second mmc a drew months later. After that we decided not to try any more and I've made peace with the decision. A few years ago i would've been aghast to think that we'd end up as a one child family - it's not what either of us had planned - but now we've gone for it I'm concentrating on all the positives (mostly financial tbh) and enjoying how close we are as a three person unit.

I do still feel some grief for the loss of the family we could've had, but equally I'm completely happy with the decision I never expected to make

@boodles101 that sounds very similar, ds was a terrible sleeper too and even to this day he isn’t great and seems to have regressed. I think that if he was sleeping through in his cot I may be alittle more pro second child at the moment!

Alwaysatyke thank you for sharing your story, I’m so sorry you’ve been through such a distressing time. You sound like a lovely and very close family of 3 and there’s a lot to be said for that.

I could have written this. I am completely torn with whether to have another.

We are lucky in that our DS (who is only 5.5 months) has been a relatively easy baby. I do struggle with tiredness now and again but we are lucky he is a great sleeper. He is at a stage now though where he needs constant interaction or he gets whingy so this is waivering my decision as I'm not sure how I would cope with a baby and a toddler. We are fortunate enough to have a lot of family support and I know they'd help out but I think that should not be considered in the decision to be honest.

I'm 38 next birthday so really need to seriously think about it all as it took us 18 months to get DS and I also suffered a MMC during that time which was horrific and I'm so scared to TTC again and go through all that heartache and pain.

Like you OP, I don't want to regret the decision

Thanks DaddysGirl36 exactly it’s so final and there really is no going back and that terrifies me. At the same time it scares me that if I don’t do it I could regret it later and then it’ll be too late. It’s so hard isn’t it? At the same time the clock is ticking and it’s not like I’m 25 or something. I wish I had the luxury of time.

@PasstheStarmix

Completely get that. I hate my age and I know people do have babies older nowadays but my body has taken a battering with this baby so I know it's not going to be easy doing it again. I think another poster had it right that we are more likely to regret not doing it than going ahead.

Ideally I'd have preferred a wider gap between children but a plus to a smaller gap is that they are likely to have more in common as I know some of my friends struggle to keep siblings happy if their ages are far apart and they have different interests and capabilities because of it

@DaddysGirl36 I’ve had a chat with dh about my reservations and we’ve decided I’ll continue to take my pill until the packet is finished and then come off towards the end of the month as it’s not the right time. I can’t tell you how relieved I feel and I’m sure next month I may feel better and more like trying (I hope!) I do think we may regret it if we don’t try.
I hear you about the strain pregnancy has taken on your body. I only just feel like I’ve recovered and it’s been a year and a half. I am a lot more tired than I was first time around though. I went into my first pregnancy well rested and thought I had it bad just working fulltime. Looking after ds is so much more tiring!
I keep thinking we have one child already so what difference will another make and then convincing myself not much. The major lifestyle adjustments have already been made for ds and we’re adjusted to our new role as parents and over the shock of it all. I think sometimes we may as well have another and then at least ds will have a sibling and I know if I love the second one as much as I love ds I will never regret it. I also think at least if they’re little together they’ll go to school around the same time and shorten the nappy changing baby years abit rather than having a larger age gap and dragging it all out.

@passthestarmix

Good luck. If we decide to try, it will be at the end of this year. I have had two bad nights with DS so at the moment, it's a no from me. Lol.

I hope that he starts to get easier when weaning and transition into his own room in a cot which are all going to be started in the next few weeks

Thanks @DaddysGirl36 your little one is so tiny still. I think you need to take some time for yourself to recover and that you’re doing the right thing. Hope your little ones sleep improves. With ds it’s been a constant battle. He’s slept for a couple of weeks and lulled me into a false sense of security and then it’s all changed and we’ve been right back to square one. At the moment we’re trying to wean him out of our bed and back into his own! I don’t know how it happened but he’s ended up going to sleep in between me and dh! I yearn for the day when ds will take himself off to bed and actually want his own cot because I want my evenings back. Good luck for the end of the year and sending lots of baby dust your way ✨✨✨

@passthestarmix Thanks, same to you. My little one loves his sleep but his body clock is mixed up following a long haul holiday recently

I could have written the list - add in the concern over childcare costs - I didn’t really get the feeling until the first was 3 as there was no way I could cope with a baby and toddler both emotionally and financially. Now going for baby number two and ds1 will be 5 at school - so got to focus on ds1 through the big changes - take holidays a baby wouldn’t suit and now will get time to focus on number 2! That’s what’s right for us - but not everyone is the same - some want them close together! (I think these people are crazy or very patient!) fundamentally it is whatever feels the most right - there will always be doubt and if your birth was that bad you can have a c section! Not a laugh but not as bad as a third degree tear!!!

I felt the same and as a result we have one. I’m a very happy only and so is our daughter. Unless you really really want another, why do it. Siblings are no guarantee of friendship, childhood or lifelong...

I had no desire to get pregnant again until DS1 was 3. When DS2 was born this June there was 3 years 10 months between them. DS1 ADORES his brother, whereas when he was younger he really didn’t like little babies. He was old enough to be independent when I was pregnant and felt very ill and had SPD (didn’t have to get up in the night mostly, didn’t have to bend over to put shoes on, pick him up etc) he really understood what was happening and we could talk to him a lot about the baby brother coming. He was at Pre school so I had a rest. He’s starting Reception this week so I can have one on one time with the baby. It’s all much better for me then it would have been had I had them closer together. I know you want a small gap but it could be worth waiting a year if it makes true whole thing easier for you... siblings will almost certainly be close with a 3.5 year gap as well as a 2.5 year gap.

DS1 was 9 months when i got pregnant again and i spent 9 months panicking! Te pregnancy was harder as wasnt getting much sleep and DS1 was still a baby and wanted/needed me and didnt sleep...the first six months after DD were a bit tricky but now they are 3 and 2 it is waaay easier. They love each other, fight with each other and call for each other first thing - its very cute. They are hard work and finding time for them individually is hard but I wish i could have another 2! So in my experience its not easy but worth it....

I felt the same and honestly was persuaded into it with my DH. I always wanted to have 2-4 children but had a terrible pregnancy and birth. I was disabled by it. However my second pregnancy was easier, we made plans for getting support and help and I had a ELC. I’m so glad I went for number two. He is the light of my life and his elder siblings.

I had a very traumatic first birth and had PPP and PND. Bad birth injuries, labour 3 days long. Could do nothing but lie on a bed for the first weeks. Couldnt really walk long distances or sit down without a cushion for 6 months.

I was terrified of having a second.

My second could not have been more different. 4 hours long with no pain relief (no time once I had asked but it was over so quickly that I actually didnt mind in the end) And just a slight graze. Only bled for a few days afterwards and felt pretty much back to normal after a week.
I did not have PND again despite having a care plan in place this time.

I am so happy I had a second. Shes gorgeous and my son loves her. Its not been totally easy of course. Theres the lack of sleep and the all the extra stuff you need to do as per usual! But I havent regretted it for a second. Ive been so happy and everything has seemed so much easier to deal with including the lack of sleep.

It did help a lot that when I fell pregnant with my second I was very honest about my fears and everything that went wrong with the first. I received a lot of support from the midwives and the perinatal mental health team. I think that had something to do with it being a completely different experience this time round.
So just be honest with all the professionals you see and they will be able to link you up with any help you might need.
My midwife was so good at my second birth. I had to go in for induction and she just sat and talked with me for ages about what would happen and how I felt. My health visitor was lovely to and I was seen every day for several weeks after the birth just to check how I was doing. They really did an amazing job.