In two minds about having a second child?

[PasstheStarmix]

Hi, I really want a second child for the following reasons:

1. A playmate for DS who loves other children and due to his sociable personality type it looks like he’d benefit from a sibling.

1. We have a spare bedroom that is screaming out for a nother child to grace it.

1. Me and dh feel like our family would be complete with a second child and feel like somebody is missing.

Reasons I’m unsure:

1. I hate being pregnant and had a very traumatic birth the first time around. What if it’s traumatic again can I cope?

1. I’m scared, can I cope with a baby and toddler at the same time? We have no support.

1. Things are just starting to settled down with 18 month old ds, he’s been a very difficult baby although extremely lovable.

1. I’m scared having a second baby would be the wrong decision and there’s no going back.

I keep going back and forth and and myself and dh have agreed to start trying and I’m bloody terrified. I haven’t stopped taking my pill yet and keep saying I will in just one more day. Please help. Has anybody felt so conflicted about a second baby and went ahead with it? What was the outcome?

I keep thinking we have one child already so what difference will another make and then convincing myself not much. The major lifestyle adjustments have already been made for ds and we’re adjusted to our new role as parents and over the shock of it all. I think sometimes we may as well have another and then at least ds will have a sibling and I know if I love the second one as much as I love ds I will never regret it. I also think at least if they’re little together they’ll go to school around the same time and shorten the nappy changing baby years abit rather than having a larger age gap and dragging it all out.

I found all of this to be very true. The first was such a shock and so difficult that the emotional hard work had been done. I know it sounds bad but I had very low expectations for the second because of how horrendous having the first was.... and I was actually very pleasantly surprised. Theres not that panic there any more because you know you have already gotten through it once before.

I also couldnt understand how I would find the energy to love another like I loved my son but i just did! And now I cant understand how I thought I wouldnt love her! you do love them just the same and it doesnt take away from the love you have for your first at all.

I can remember being in floods of tears at the doctors after discovering I was pregnant with DC3. I had awful EMCS with both my girls due to pre eclampsia and DD2 was born very early and needed to stay in NICU.
I was terrified!
My third pregnancy was spent with lots of feet up (as much as I could while working and being a mum to a tween and toddler!) lots of scans and a fab consultant.
My absolutely gorgeous son was born with the most straight forward c section, all so nice and I was awake throughout.
I am so glad I have him.
Not every pregnancy will be the same but please keep voicing your concerns to your GP and midwife so you get maximum support. Good luck OP xx

Following as in exact the same position! Sorry, no words of wisdom.

I had a similar situation, no support but wanted to have a sibling for ds. I am an only and it was fine but wanted more than one myself.
There is 2 years between mine and the first year was pretty hellish without childcare or family help. In fact I wondered if I should've waited another year until ds got the 15 hours. But, life isn't always like that! My 2 now have the most amazing bond, it's wonderful to see.
I had a difficult birth fist time and was so worried all throughout my second pregnancy but it was a dream in comparison! 4 hours start to finish no pain relief, it was more than fine. Good luck whatever you decide. If you're still unsure maybe wait a few months, a bigger gap has loads of advantages too.

Why not wait till your DS is 2 to start Ttc?

I think a 2.9-3 year gap is much easier, and better for the children (if possible - best laid plans etc!) Your body has time to properly recover, your DS will get free nursery from 3 so will have something for him in the week that you don’t have to worry about paying for, DS will be older and better able to understand things, and they’ll still be close enough to play together and grow up together.

Most people I know with a less than 2.5 year age gap have struggled, some a bit, some very seriously. And making of the sibling sets don’t seem close, oldest very jealous etc.

Disclaimer: my opinion, not fact!

For me, I know without doubt I want another child. DS is 16 months but know it won’t be for another year or two. I couldn’t imagine going into a newborn phase again so soon. I’d like to enjoy seeing my first grow up and be able to give him my full attention for another year or two. I can also see the other side of wanting kids close in age though.

If you’re not sure, then just wait and see how you feel in a few months, even a year. If you don’t feel mentally ready to put yourself through pregnancy and birth again just yet, you’re probably not.

Hi. I'm a single mum of 3 teenage boys, but struggling blending my partner (not the boys father) in to the family. Can anyone recommend a good family therapist who will work with my partner individually, us as a couple & us as an entire family? We urgently need support & are south of London. Thanks

I always wanted 2 as I'm a sibling. Had second when first was almost 3. Which worked well in lots of ways as first could understand, be involved etc. Love them dearly.
However. It is honestly the hardest thing I have ever done. Two (IMO) is a lot harder than one. More than twice as hard. Different ages mean different needs and pre-schoolers are absolute narcissists!!! I'm older which means less energy but also I'm confident. More than 1 is not for the faint hearted!!

@Mosmum - you might want to start your own thread with your question and sorry I can't help.

Thanks everyone for your replies. They’re appreciated and I think i think you’re all right when you say to take your time. I’m just going to give it alittle time and see how I feel. I do feel like I want a second child now the more I’ve thought about it but maybe just not quite sure when.

I think x1

Has anybody had a second child and thought it was easier than they anticipated? I’ve always heard it’s harder going for 0-1 and 2-3 than it is from 1-2 but not sure if there’s any truth in it.

@toothtruth thank you so much for sharing your story. I’m pleased you haven’t found it too bad and that gives me hope. It’s nice to hear that you felt similar to me but had a positive outcome. May I ask what age gap you have?

I conceived my first child very easily. Started trying and nine months later there she was. Second time it's taking ages and ages and I wish I hadn't left such a gap before ttc again.

Thanks @BabarKingoftheElephants that’s exactly what worries me. You’ve hit the nail on the head. Ds was conceived straight away similar to yours and I think it’s bound to take longer the second time. I can’t see if being that lucky next time especially considering I’m a lot tired and drink a lot more coffee than I did pre children! J think ds would be a minimum of 2 and a half if we were lucky but prob older.

a lot more *

I think*

Me and dh have talked about letting nature take its course when we decide the time is right but not actively trying or tracking ovulation or anything like that. We didn’t the first time and just said if it happens it happens.

There’s no guarantees.
We conceived our first DC first try. 2nd took 3 months.

I think you have to decide if you’d be more unhappy with a closer gap than intended, or a bigger gap. There’s pros and cons to each. I’d be cautious about having a baby before you feel even a bit ready though, as I think you’d be more at risk of post natal depression and not coping. I didn’t feel ready at all until oldest was 2. Then thought ‘I guess it would be sort of nice’, and that’s how I knew to try. Before that I felt panicked st the thought of adding a pregnancy/baby to mix!

Thanks cornielius, I appreciate your honesty. I think I was feeling a bit panicked but some days I’m totally up for it, is weird! I’m going to approach the subject again at the end of the month and see how I feel then.

I'm a very happy only child and so is my DD. You can have a lovely and brilliant life with one child. A sibling is no guarantee of a playmate.

I had a hideous high risk pregnancy and here's no way I could do it again. Thankfully I am confident in my own being an only experience so feel no pressure for another.

It also helps that DD has a brother who he loathes..there is no guarantee!

I was in the same position OP, I left it as long as I could. In the end it took a year to conceive the second one so you may not want to risk being too late like we did.

The age gap now will be too big for the older one to really interact on the same level until they are both older. However, my son has additional needs so it worked better for us in that he has had our undivided attention when he needed it most.

On a practical note, I also don't think we could have paid for two to be in nursery at the same time.

In short, don't be afraid to wait a bit until you are more ready. There is a big gap between me and my siblings (I'm the youngest), now we are all adults it barely even registers.

I didn't have a traumatic birth, but the first half of my pregnancy was very difficult. I didn't feel I wanted a second child EVER for quite some time - having a newborn was SUCH a shock, breastfeeding was incredibly difficult, DC1 not a great sleeper... DC1 is now 2 years 4 months and I am 24 weeks pregnant. Can't really say what changed, but I warmed to the idea gradually and finally decided it was now or never IYSWIM? I didn't want want DC1 to be an only child, which was one of the main factors in the decision to try again. I got pregnant the first month we had unprotected sex! A shock as it took longer the first time. I do have days where I am filled with dread at the thought of managing with two children, but my over-riding feeling is excitement at meeting this new little human and adding to our family.

There's no right or wrong, and if you aren't sure now then no harm in waiting a bit. A small age gap isn't the be all and end all. I do generally think it's true that you won't regret having a child, but you may well regret the decision not to (particularly if you are on the fence about it).

Daisy how much of a gap did you have?

My second isn't born yet but there will be a 5 year gap. Given my son's needs, it's actually worked out well for him. We did cut it a bit fine though and I feel quite old and creaky so far in this pregnancy