When are you planning on allowing visitors?

[coralpetals]

I'm really not sure what to do and am feeling huge pressure off of everyone already, apart from DH who would happily say no to any visitors for the first 2 weeks.

It's my second baby but first c section and I'm not sure how I'll feel having just had surgery with a catheter hanging out of me! We didn't see anyone for a week last time after I just got out of hospital (horrific birth) and our parents are still bitter about it.

The other thing that's bothering me is that we've been told our baby will likely need surgery at 2-4 weeks old, depending on how things go so I'm scared baby will get sick from visitors also before the op. Also I want to try and rest as much as possible because I'm not sure how much rest I'll get on a hospital ward with my newborn.

What are you planning to do? Would it be horrible of me to leave it a couple of weeks before seeing anyone?

I honestly think (and I know people disagree with me) that immediately (well he first week or two actually) after birth it's ok to be a bit selfish and just do what suits you. I had an awful birth first time and the week that I was in hospital after I only had DH (everyday obviously) plus my parents and his parents once each to meet the baby for about an hour. No other visitors until we were settled in at home.

This time I'm having a CS. I'm planning (hopefully!) to be home after 48 hours so I'm not having any hospital visitors except DH (DS will be at home with my mum). If I'm in longer that'll change but it'd still only be who I want to see, probably DS and grandparents only.

As for who will come when I'm home - who ever I want to. I'll be recovering from major surgery, looking after a newborn, trying to establish feeding and have a toddler to keep happy too. That's my priority not pleasing other people. Luckily DH is onside with this approach and will organise visits around what suits us as a little family.

Some people love showing off new babies and having hoarded of visitors. That's fine if that's what you like. I don't. I'm very private and can't think of anything worse than having a houseful of people when I'm newly post-partum. I love my extended family and friends but I need a bit of time to myself to recover and feel myself again before I'm up for entertaining or being sociable.

Catheter will be out around 24 hours after the birth.
Imo a quick hospital visit means when you get home people aren't descending on you for hours at a time!!
Then place your leave us alone card down.

They will have 'seen' the baby and you get the peace you want!!

This is pointless as it doesn't explain what your visitors are like.

If they are the type who need to be waited on hand and foot then yes it is fair enough you keep them away. However if they are the type who will get their own drinks, get you a drink, clean up after themselves, bring food, hold baby so you can have a shower, entertain toddler, etc. then you are being unreasonable to not let them visit asap.

I've been avoiding this issue for ages with my loved ones. This is my first baby and I've really no idea what to expect. Also have no idea how the birth will go.

The baby will be my parents first grandchild and I know they will be champing at the bit to see him / her. However, we live about 600 miles apart so they will need to plan a trip. Its a real pitfall of living far away as they cant just pop in. All needs to be quite formal in a way. I think they and my MIL know that staying with us in our tiny flat is out of bounds luckily. However, knowing they are staying in a hotel nearby will still put pressure on us to 'entertain' them.

Ideally, I think I'd like them to come when OH's paternity ends. Then they can actually help me with the baby rather than just drink tea and hang around our flat. BUT the baby will be 3 weeks by then and I'm not sure how well this will go down. Other visitors aren't as critical as the 'rents as they will likely give you more space.

I have quite a difficult relationship with my Mum so this is stressing me out a bit. She should abide by my wishes but she's not really wired like that...

@BlueBug45 Why is she? Whether people are helpful or not, sometimes you just don't want people in your home when you're trying to rest, recover and get used to a newborn.

I also wouldn't want people helping themselves in my kitchen or trying to clean and stuff no matter how nice they are. DH is perfectly capable of making people a cuppa, sticking a bit of bleach in the loo and running the vacuum round (bearing in mind I'll have had a CS like the OP) once we're feeling ready to socialise.

It's not always about how your home looks. It's about feeling invaded at a time when you're most vulnerable and would rather be left alone. Some people don't feel like that - they feel the opposite sometimes - and that's great but others do and they shouldn't be made to feel guilty about it.

It's got to be your choice OP whatever you are comfortable with. My DH's boss said he banned people for 2 weeks after each of his babies arrived my DH thought that was a brilliant idea and adopted the same policy for us. Told everyone in advance. Unfortunately baby came early so we spent 2 weeks in hospital and everyone thought that meant free reign when we got home this included darling PIL's who expected to be waited on hand and foot - we still restricted visitors as baby was poorly post discharge and only had PIL and my Dad/Brother for short visits in the first few weeks until baby was well. Good luck OP trust your gut it's perfectly fine to say no visitors - your baby your choice

When this one is 18!

Seriously, I intend to have very few visitors in the first few weeks. With DS I was really unwell (didn't realise how much at the time) but felt I just couldn't say no. Even good friends who said they'd 'just pop in' were there for hours. I was exhausted and DS was a very bad sleeper and I wasn't mentally/ emotionally in a place to ask people to leave. I also didn't really like DS being passed around. I have no issues with people holding him but when I said he needed feeding (I was bfing) they said oh no he's fine, when I could blatantly see his feeding cues. It was frustrating and I felt ignored, like my job had been to have the baby and that was it. I'd felt very powerless through the birth too so it was a bit of an extension.

I'm really not looking forward to visitors this time

I'm in a panic about this. My in laws are not going on holiday for about 2 weeks after my due date as they want to be around when baby in born. Fil has already said make sure you have it early so he can come round everyday before they go away. This even might be mildly okay if they did anything when they come round by as lovely as they are they just aren't a 'get up and offer to make a cuppa' kind of people. My dh has also said he wanted in the hospital when his sil had her baby, I really don't want this but he sees nothing wrong with that, I find it weird! I'm all for not telling anyone until baby is here either and not even way it when I go into labour as don't want them worrying and don't want anyone turning up at the hospital or even just sitting around

@LaurG - I could have written that post! My mum's 300 miles away, and I find her very hard work to be around. I want to say no visiting for 2 weeks, but she'll not have that. So we'll suggest she stays at a hotel, but she'll be round for 12 hours a day and that won't be that much better. Not looking forwards to the conversation! She'll say she'll help, but that means that she'll play with our new baby (and ignore any wishes that I have for the care of him because 'she's done this before') whilst I get to make the tea and do the laundry. But my reasons are very self centred.

CorralPetals - if you don't want visitors, stick to your guns and say that. Especially because one of your concerns is for the health of your newborn - anyone that argues with that is very selfish! Worrying about your own health is also a very important reason. Your parents might understandably be upset, but do you think having a conversation with them about your concerns before DC is here will soften the blow? It helps that your DH is on the same page as you.

I've told everyone that we'll let them know when we're ready for visitors, and despite a couple of wistful looks from my Mum, everyone seems OK with that. It's my first and I have no idea how I feel - I might be calling my mum on day one asking her to rush over and help out. But I think I'll want time so DH and I can get used to having a small person to look after.

I know it's easier said than done but it's your baby, your home and you choose who to let through the door. No one else has any rights, so make your position clear now. If family decide to clear their schedules anyway that's their problem. It's one of those few times when you can be completely selfish and put you and baby first.

When i had my first baby, planned c section. MIL came to hospital litrally a few hours after been put on the ward. I was completly out of it still. Don't remember much about her being there. FIL and partner came too and i was litrally there unable to cover my self up! This time I'm undecided, i don't know if people should come when we are at the hospital or at home. I would like time just us four this time and not people in and out constanlty. I found it far too over whelming x

Thanks all for your replies! I’m so torn. Part of me thinks to just get a quick visit out the way at hospital but after seeing photos last night from my first birth I really don’t want people seeing me like that! I was barely recognisable from the swelling and clearly very out of it from all the medication!! But then it’s more controlled and they have to stick to visiting hours. So we can just arrange visits with an hour left so that we’re not surrounded by visitors for hours!
The other option would be to see no one until a couple of weeks after, which in an ideal world would be my first choice!

I don’t have experience of visitors after C section but after my daughter was born we allowed my parents and in laws to come to hospital, I felt that way it was less pressure on me, no one expected me to get up/do anything and they understood not to stay too long as they were in a hospital environment with nursing buzzing round taking my blood pressure etc. If you do decide to do this and are worried they will stay too long, agree in advance with your husband/a nurse a time when you’d like them to leave and get them to say something. I told mine to come about 2 hours before I knew dinner was so they would all be polite and leave then! Then we had a full week at home no visitors and no pressure which was bliss!

i live at my boyfriends parents house, his family are incredibly close and "live in eachothers pockets" so i have such a fear about when we get home from the hospital as i know they will all be flocking over to meet the baby. Im thinking maybe we can just get everyone to come at once? for a few hours in an evening, then after that people can leave us be for a few weeks and everyones happy. hope yours goes okay, be firm and remember you, your baby and your partner comes first at the moment, f*ck everyone elses opinions! xx

I wouldn’t personally let visitors come to hospital. I felt voiceless with DC1&2 and had an influx of visitors I just didn’t want. I was particularly sick after DC2 and it was honestly the last thing I needed. With DC3 I told them all to bugger off and leave us alone and I plan on doing similar this time . It’s personal and entirely your choice. They have to realise it isn’t all about coming to coo over a baby but there’s you to consider as well and I know I personally find people utterly overwhelming at the best of times.

We have a large family and are very lucky to have lots of genuine lovely friends. However, when we had DD we asked if any immediate family (grandparents/brother/sisters and their partners) and our two closest friends could visit while we were in hospital. I didn't have a C-section but had to be induced, so everyone ended up with 3/4 days notice and in all fairness they all made time. Just wondering if you could do this. You might find grandparents want an extra visit when you come out, but you could politely make it clear just for an hour.

You're having a baby. You can do whatever the fuck you want. Just tell everyone you want no visitors for two weeks after you get home this time.

I was in hospital for five days after birth of my son and when we got home didn't have anyone over for two weeks at least. I waited until I could actually walk again and we were settled in a bit.

I had visitors after 4 days.

I was worried about this too. As it was my baby arrived early by emergency csection and we were both in hospital for a week. My little girl was in need of quite a bit of care so was getting regular checks day and night, as was I, and adding in visitors wanting cuddles to what was a fairly exhausting time was just too much. There wasn't much space in the hospital for a stack of visitors, my hormones were all over, i was in a lot of pain after my section, I was getting little to no sleep and didn't want to end up being snappy and unpleasant! Both sets of parents still visited but I asked my husband to say to them all that I needed a couple of days of no visitors as I was trying to establish breastfeeding and didn't fancy sitting with my boobs out in front of my Dad / FIL / MIL.

You aren't being unreasonable to say to people - anyone who isn't the Dad - that you will get in touch when you are ready for visitors. Enjoy your time with your newborn!

I also had C sections and banned everyone but my husband and son from my room. Everyone understood except for my husband's work colleges for some reason. One man bought a polaroid camera for us so we could take a picture of the baby. (This was the 80’s).

I want to recover, take care of my baby and not have to be worried the door will open to a group of visitors. I want to bleed, breast feed and have my first post-op breaking of the wind in private.

Disclaimer; I live in the U.S. had a single room, never got a catheter for my C sections and had to have general anesthesia for the emergency C section.

We told everyone we will visit them and they had to wait. We stopped by our neighbors on the way home and showed the baby to them and their dog, who was very interested, and then a week later went to my husbands office where the man who bought the camera kept cuddling the baby.

I have to add to my above post that the reason I mention I was in the U.S. is because there are no visiting hours here and people can pop in anytime, which I find the thought of stressful.

If I could rewind and do it again I would have no visitors at home for a week.
Even a short visit from nice relatives made me so anxious I ended up crying, I needed space.

If you have a quick visit at the hospital could your husband facilitate it, there is often a lounge or somewhere off the ward, he could take the baby to meet them, say you are sleepy or woozy from medication. Then as you say it is out of the way early :)

I might generally one for compromise but not on this point! Family and friends can wait and if they have an issue it is just tough. This is 100% about you and your baby. If you prefer no visitors for several weeks then do that! Thing is you will have had major surgery with a baby who will likely need surgery at weeks old, on top of all the normal newborn/post-partum issues. I wouldn’t be comfortable having people visit in that situation for several weeks, perhaps excluding my mum who used to work in a NICU and knows her place in these situations (to support me).

I have no sympathy for “friends and family” who don’t consider the feelings of the parents, particularly the mother who may have had some pretty difficult medical procedures done WHILE adapting to major shifts in her hormones. If they can’t sympathise with your needs I certainly wouldn’t be considering their needs!

Sorry, their wants not needs. They don’t need to see the baby immediately.