When are you planning on allowing visitors?

[coralpetals]

I'm really not sure what to do and am feeling huge pressure off of everyone already, apart from DH who would happily say no to any visitors for the first 2 weeks.

It's my second baby but first c section and I'm not sure how I'll feel having just had surgery with a catheter hanging out of me! We didn't see anyone for a week last time after I just got out of hospital (horrific birth) and our parents are still bitter about it.

The other thing that's bothering me is that we've been told our baby will likely need surgery at 2-4 weeks old, depending on how things go so I'm scared baby will get sick from visitors also before the op. Also I want to try and rest as much as possible because I'm not sure how much rest I'll get on a hospital ward with my newborn.

What are you planning to do? Would it be horrible of me to leave it a couple of weeks before seeing anyone?

You must do what suits you and your family OP. These threads always make me feel a bit sad as I wish my family were so interested. My parents have already made it clear they won't be making the trip to meet new DS due soon even though they are fit to travel, both retired and can afford it.

Sorry, but I just can’t imagine keeping visitors away.

Even the grandparents? That just seems cruel. They don’t have to stay long.

@EdWinchester I think that's the issue though, not everyone takes a hint or considers how the new mother feels so the not staying long turns into 'just another cuddle' or 'just another brew'. I was certainly not up to asking people to leave.

I’m having another c section with dc2 in the next few weeks and planning on having visitors the day after while we are still in hospital to get it out of the way. So we can happily have a week or so to settle at home without interruption

Last tome I felt pretty goid in hospital as the pain was all under control and I had the buttons on the bed to help getting up/down etc but the day we came home things were a bit more sore and I was very tearful from milk coming in.

If I have another baby I'm going to put my foot down. I had my bloody awful FIL staying for four sodding nights when DS was two weeks old, being a dreadful old reactionary arsehole and requiring looking after all the time. I'm still cross with DH for letting him do it.

@Tilliebean is right - if they really care about you then they ought to respect your feelings, and if they don't, they might as well not come.

As a new mum 33 years ago I got to stay in hospital for a week, which was the norm. Visitors came then. Staff made sure they didn't overstay their welcome. By the time we came home, everyone had seen the baby. I asked my husband to keep visitors away, and wasn't very close to my family at that time. I ended up with PND, which might have been spotted earlier had more people who knew me been around more in those early days.
10 years later I had another week in hospital as had post partum haemorrhage. Very limited visitors as I was in ICU. When I came home, only close family visited, and helped immensely with cooking, household jobs and being with baby whilst I showered! Yes, at times I had to tell people to go home as I needed sleep, but on th whole I fond this help great.
Now I'm about to be a grandma, and the thought of not being able to see my daughter after giving birth, and my new grandchild, horrifies me. I don't spend every waking moment at her house, only see her every coup,e of weeks but we are still close.
I'm a teacher and she's due the first day of the school holidays. I intend to go over to hers as much as possible, to cook, clean, dog walk, shop and generally behave like a housekeeper 😁😁
I will bugger off when she tells me to. Believe me, she's ballsy enough to tel me, and I'm observant enough to know when I've overstayed my welcome. I'm sad that people think they should just be left to it and don't need any help from friends and family. Why do women these days thinkthat being a perfect mother means doing it all themselves? What's wrong with wanting to be looked after a little?
Her SIL had a baby a few months ago, and still won't let her MIL hold him! She didn't tell anyone when the baby was born, for 3 days, including her own parents! That's just weird.
If you don't want visitors all the time, just tell them when they can visit. If they turn up unannounced, either don't answer the door, or make it clear that you've only got half an hour for visitors so they shouldn't be offended when you point out that it's time for them to leave.

I just didn't want visitors at the hospital after CS with DS2 but was okay to have them in the house - still massive arguments. Some people will not be happy and those are usually the selfish people, so protect yourself and baby from cross-infection and give both of you time to bond and recuperate-what more important someone noise out of joint or a happy family.

I'm with Bezm, these babies are long awaited additions to a family, they have blood relatives who feel that they have a valuable part to play and who wish to welcome the new member. How sad that time and time again the genuine love and care grannies especially would love to show is rejected/unappreciated. Yes, be firm about how you want things done but do let us help and let us share the gift of this new life. I would hope our interest has only the best of intentions and comes from a place of love.

Personally before baby has been been weighed I want to be showing them off to family. But I totally understand your reluctance in this situation. Just do what works and be non committal in advance.

I didn't allow visitors in hospital, I allowed quick visits when home, to be honest once people had a cuddle and taken a photo and realised how boring newborns are they left! After the first 2 weeks didn't see anyone again, everyone went back to their lives and we got on with ours although later is when I felt I wanted the visits like now!

Not all grannies/ family members are loving and helpful. Some expect you to wait on them hand and foot when your tired, emotional and in pain.

I had a traumatic forcep delivery after 36hrs of labour with my first child and within 2 hrs the whole family, in laws etc was at the hospital. I asked dh to tell them to leave it until the next day so I could recover, rest but he didn't want to offend anyone. 13yrs later and I'm still pissed off with him about it. They all knew what I had been through but didn't care as long as they got to see the baby.

If you like visitors after giving birth then bully for you but you have to realise that not everyone feels up to seeing people so soon. Some people have a harder birth than others.

If you really are the kind, loving, helpful relative you claim to be then respect their wishes and only visit when asked to.

Op i bitterly regret not being more forceful with my wishes at the time. Do what's right for you and your baby.

I wish I'd waited a few weeks! We managed but I was really anxious the whole time our guests were round. Too many people came at once! It was love having my Mum and sister round as my Mum helped me shower and my sister braided my hair for me 😍 and then they watched the baby whilst me and my partner went for an hours nap together 😊

I've enjoyed reading everyone's comments

As a FTM 2B I have no idea what to expext from the birth experience and how i will feel immediately and gor a few days after. I am someone who likes my dignity intact and therefore do not like anyone who isn't my DH, parents, my sister, and best mate seeing me without makeup and looking decent. Thankfully my relationship with my parents and sister is very very good and we're extremely close, however, DH and I do not have that same type of relationship with FIL. I know my family will respect our wishes and give us space when we need it but equally will help out too with food and clearing up their dirty cups etc. FIL and his girlfriend are complete opposite.

It's for those reasons that we will welcome my family as soon as I feel well enough to see them as I will need and appreciate their help and support and FIL will be invited for very short visits when I feel up to it but it must be alone without his girlfriend to protect me from getting upset.

I think it's fine to have people over in the first few days if you physically and emotionally are ready for them and they must respect your privacy and space when needed as well as be genuinely helpful and supportive rather than expect the new parents to wait on them for hours whilst they pass the new baby round like a parcel.

@Roystonv I'm not saying I don't want anyone to share or enjoy my newborn. I think your post is a tad dramatic! Why can't they welcome baby when they are 2 weeks old? The baby will certainly be none the wiser.

I personally think that bonding between baby and their parents is far more important than bonding with extended family members at a few hours old.
From previous experience I don't agree that it only comes from a place of love. It was purely for their benefit of having cuddles with the newborn. No one gave a shit that I'd had major surgery after a long natural birth resulting in problems that I still suffer with now. I was still expected to put a brave face on and talk to great aunty Dorris about her weekly fitness class whilst everyone is playing pass the baby. Yes it was a week after but I'd only just been let out of hospital and had barely been home a few hours!

@Poptart4 That's awful I'm not surprised you're still upset about it now. I think you've hit that nail on the head there... that a genuinely loving, kind and helpful relative shouldn't kick up a fuss if asked for a bit of space for a week or so!

Maybe I said it poorly but I can only speak for myself in that it would be an act of love to welcome the baby, to offer to help and to let the new parents know how much we love and support them at this exciting but overwhelming new stage of their lives.

The thing is if you have family who will help out, only visit for an hour etc it's hard to understand why some people might want to be left alone.
I had an emcs following an induction with my dd, I was ill after the birth. My parents visited for an hour while I was in hospital then they didn't visit again for a couple of weeks till I was back on my feet. My pil came the day after I was let out of hospital, not just my mil and fil, but also dil and boyfriend, bil and cousin. I was trying to get used to feeding, was still in pain and on numerous medications. It was horrible. They stayed for 5 hours, all they wanted to do was hold the baby.
I'm pregnant again and we have put our foot down and said no visitors at home for the first 3 days. Mil has been ringing constantly for the last week (im 39 weeks) trying to get dh to change his mind. My parents just said ok and as they are on holiday for the next 5 days they just say they will see him when possible.

I'm happy for close family to visit asap after the birth, (so parents, PIL and the baby's aunties/uncles) as I'm comfortable with them seeing me in a bit of a state and they will help rather than need entertaining.

Friends, I'll wait until I'm pottering around and getting dressed! This is DC4 for me and I have had the same policy each time, it has worked well so far.

Not read the thread but isn’t it completely normal to not have visitors for a few weeks? You’re knackered, in pain, whipping your baps out all the time to feed the baby. Most people who have had kids understand that.

It’s probably best to wait until the baby is born before making decisions as you just won’t know how you will feel. I’m sure you will be bombarded with requests for visits, and if you’re not up for it just say so! I turn into a bit of a wounded animal if I’m ill or in pain and just want to retreat into my cave and be left alone, but having the distraction of other people might be beneficial -I just don’t know yet! One thing is for sure - don’t stand on ceremony, if you’re tired and want to go to bed pick up dc and just go!

@laurG ah....almost word for word I am in the same situation and thinking the same things. My parents first grandchild, they live 500 miles away, and we’re in a flat. Don’t have the easiest relationship with my mum either.

Annoyingly my mum will expect to stay in the flat and will play the “we can’t afford” a hotel card, or “why are you denying us seeing the first grandchild” straight away. They can afford it as she happily spends money on things she wants to spend money on! If she stays with us, we’ll have to wait on her as she doesn’t do anything, which we don’t need at that time.

Still not quite sure what to do, but I’m thinking maybe when paternity leave is up they can com. I might make the assumption that they come two weeks after the due date....although I’m abticipating the baby will be late anyway. It’s a difficult one!!

Chester birth is very hard to plan for. Honestly, just tell them your DH will keep them updated and sort it all out at the time. Don't get forced into solid plans and be clear you will not be replying to any messages or calls as you will be focused on recovery, so only message your DH if you want to be heard.

It's best for everyone to not be committed to anything because it's just too unpredictable. Then you can focus on what works for your family without the guilt of messing people around. Remind them it's for their sake too as they would hate to make the drive down, only to discover you're not up to visitors yet. Plus reassure them, along with pils they'll be the first to know when you're ready. If they have any issue then it's their problem no yours.

@Chester1980

I think mine will luckily stay at a hotel. However, my main concern is tension in our house or having any pressure to entertain in those first weeks.

My latest strategy is a flying 24 visit at birth..,, with the promise of a longer stay when oh goes back to work when they can actually help me.

I'm having this debate at the moment. I'd like everyone to come meet the baby at the hospital/first day home. Then I'd like two days just me and DH (he has a 12yr old son who doesn't live with us). Then I'm happy for step son to come hang with us. Then after two weeks I'm happy to have visitors. DH says we're excluding his son and his family which is totally not the case. I'd just like to have some 'us' time. This is my/our first baby and I'd like there to be no distractions for a couple of days so we can just do what we need to do. AIBU? I only get DH for one week as he'll have to go back to work. But baby is due around Xmas so it may work out I get him for a little longer.

As others have said, it totally depends on what your visitors are like. We have no family close by. Parents live 350 miles away and in laws overseas. My brother in law is coming to stay with us from when I'm 35 weeks until 42 weeks so hopefully will be there to take care of our toddler while I'm in hospital. My parents will come and stay for a week 2 weeks after due date, followed by my in laws for a month! So we will have family staying for at least 6 weeks following the birth.

They will cook for us, do laundry etc, and help entertain two year old. I'm more than happy for them to be around and help out!

I am currently 26 wks and have had to have a conversation with my parents (who live in New Zealand) that we would like a couple of weeks on our own first before they come over. They clearly haven't taken this well - this will be their first grandchild and I am an only child. Evidently my Mum firmly believes she should be here to support me through the birth. OH and I are firmly sticking to our guns - I understand that they want to see their grandchild and support we, but we both feel that our new little family unit is the most important thing, and we need some time to get to know each other and find some type of rhythm (or dare i say - routine).

So I am with you - you should do what you feel is right for you.