Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

AIBU- dont mum at birth because of weight issues

70 replies

Maedoula · 01/06/2018 19:42

For a long time my mum has always criticised my weight. I've had pcos since early 20s and insulin resistance, this has made it quite a struggle to loose weight.

When my husband and I went through a separation all she did was link it to my looks and weight and it was therefore my fault. She kept me away from seeing her side of the family most of the time (they live quite far away) and everytime she would go there to visit she wouldn't tell me and one day I confronted her and asked her if it was about my weight, she said yes.

Now I'm pregnant and of course everyone wants their mum at their birth, but because of her constant criticism about my weight over the past few years, I don't feel comfortable of the idea of having her there. It's a time where I'm going to be very exposed and when I was thinking about the birth scenarios in my head, I was actually planning certain things to wear so I wouldn't be so exposed in front of her. Then it dawned on me that this is a time I need to be selfish...?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

SillyBub · 01/06/2018 19:49

and of course everyone wants their mum at their birth

They really don't. Where I gave birth you're only allowed one birth partner. And even if that wasn't the case, I'd never have wanted my mum there and we're really close.

If your don't want her there (and quite frankly why would you?) then don't have her there.

Congratulations on your pregnancy

loveulotslikejellytots · 01/06/2018 19:49

You don't have to have anyone there you don't want. And the best thing is you have a team of midwives to act as doormen/bouncers should your mum decide to just turn up. They won't let anyone in that shouldn't be there.

I love my mum to bits, but I still didn't want her at the birth of dd. She was fine because she loves me and respects my/our decisions. If I were you I'd use the birth as a starting point where you start to stick up for yourself against your mum.

Twickerhun · 01/06/2018 19:51

She certainly doesn’t need to be there. Have someone with you who you trust and like or nobody - just the midwives.

pastabest · 01/06/2018 19:52

of course everyone wants their mum at the birth

Uh where have you got that idea from!? I'm not aware of any of my friends who have had their mum's at the birth. I certainly didn't.

I don't think it's quite the 'thing' you think it is.

If you don't want her there then no one is going to think anything of it at all.

Loulabelle25 · 01/06/2018 19:53

I love my mum dearly but there is absolutely no way I’d want her anywhere near me while I was giving birth - she would drive me insane!

KarinVogel · 01/06/2018 19:53

Oh no - very few women I know had their mums at the birth. I certainly didnt - couldnt even imagine it actually. The only person I know who had their Mum at the birth was an emergency home birth and Mum was the only other adult present !
You have whoever you want with you. Or no-one if you arent comfortable with the exposure . Its your call.

IchFliegeNach · 01/06/2018 19:53

Not everyone needs or wants their mum at their birth - everyone needs someone they feel comfortable and confident with, who realised what is really important during childbirth.

You have no obligation to have her there. You don't even need an excuse, or have to explain why!

I am very close to my mum and she is great, but I didn't have her there as I am less prudish and more relaxed than her. It's a small thing, but I didn't want to have to worry about anything!

Please put yourself first and stop listening to her criticism about your weight. Tell her to be proud of who you are or to back off!

Wishing you well.

museumum · 01/06/2018 19:53

Are you still separated from your husband?

I love my mum dearly but would never have had anyone but my husband as my birth partner.

Ginmakesitallok · 01/06/2018 19:54

Jesus - why on earth would anyone want their mum there when they're giving birth???!

Merrydoula · 01/06/2018 19:56

Oh wow, really reassured to hear that loads of you didn't want your mums at birth!

I think she would feel like embarrassed in front her friends etc if she said that she wasn't at my birth...

And yes, husband will be a birthing partner.

dinosaurkisses · 01/06/2018 19:57

Another person chiming in that they didn't have their mum there- in fact, I don't know anyone who did!

To be honest, I'd work under he assumption that you'll have baby's dad there and only him (if that's what you want of course)- I don't know anyone's mum who assumed they'd be there either to be honest.

There's a lot to be said for staying as relaxed as possible during labour and if you think having your mum there will adversely affect that, then just rule it out now!

RoryDrinkUp · 01/06/2018 19:58

No way on earth would I have had my mum there! I called her afterwards but my husband is the person I want when going through something like that.

lostfrequencies · 01/06/2018 19:59

Name change?

Another one here who didn't have mum at the birth x

Whattheactualfuckmate · 01/06/2018 20:00

Do they hell!!!

Every one got banned apart from dh.

Tell her to fuck off!

n0ne · 01/06/2018 20:00

Er no, I absolutely did not want my mum at my births. I love her dearly but she's tactless and selfish and the last person I'd want around when feeling vulnerable. Have only who you want.

ProseccoPoppy · 01/06/2018 20:00

Sod whether she feels “embarrassed” - that is 100% not your problem. Please don’t listen if she tries to guilt you into it. You need to be as relaxed and comfortable as possible. Which you won’t be if your mum is there. So she should not be there.

FWIW I don’t know one single woman who had her mum at the birth. Not one. I never even considered it and actually think it’s pretty bizarre (and I get on really well with my mum).

scaredofthecity · 01/06/2018 20:00

My mum waited outside whilst I had my first. She wanted to be there but there was no way I wanted her in the room. She makes everything stressful at the best of times!

She planned to the same for my second but I had a super quick labour and ended up doing it on my own with just the midwife, even my DH missed it. Tbh it was perfect as it meant I could be completely selfish and just concentrate on myself. DH was (secretly) pleased he missed it as well, it's not much fun for the men either.

LisaSimpsonsbff · 01/06/2018 20:05

My mum is amazingly supportive and we have a brilliant relationship. It still hasn't even crossed my mind to have her there when I give birth (due in 6 weeks). I don't know anyone who had their mum there when they gave birth, and when you see it on One Born Every Minute they're either very young or single. For me it's entirely something for DH and I - it would no more occur to me to invite my mum to the birth than to the conception!

HonkyWonkWoman · 01/06/2018 20:06

Mum being there while you are giving birth is not a "thing" OP.
I don't know anyone who had their Mother there!
What gave you the idea that she should be there?
If she's ,embarrassed in front of her friends because she wasn't at the birth, that is her problem.
Perhaps she shouldn't have embarrassed you by making an issue of your weight.
She sounds horrible anyway and I wouldn't have her any where near you when you give birth.
Tell the midwives not to allow her in.

Dobbythesockelf · 01/06/2018 20:13

I can't imagine anything worse than having my mum there. She is not very good with people being sick or anything so I think it would make it much more stressful. None of her 3 daughters have had her at the birth of their kids and as far as I'm aware she isn't bothered by this.
You have whoever you want there. Someone supportive and non judgemental is the best option I think.

Buxbaum · 01/06/2018 20:13

of course everyone wants their mum at their birth

They absolutely do not. I am very very close to my mum but did not want her at my births; nor did my sister for hers. I literally know nobody who had their own mother at any of their births. It is not a thing.

MyOtherProfile · 01/06/2018 20:17

I don't know anyone who had their mum at the birth. It's usually just the mum and dad if my friends are anything to go by.

Actually I just remembered one person who had their mum... that was because the dad had buggered off.

DramaAlpaca · 01/06/2018 20:20

I wouldn't have wanted my mum at any of my births, and she wouldn't have wanted to be there as she's squeamish. I just wanted DH with me.

YouBoggleMyMind · 01/06/2018 20:22

I would have killed my DM if she'd been at the birth of our DS. I love her but HELL NO!
Have someone you feel comfortable with, that is key and don't let anyone else tell you otherwise! Good luck!

dinosaurkisses · 01/06/2018 20:23

"FWIW I don’t know one single woman who had her mum at the birth. Not one. I never even considered it and actually think it’s pretty bizarre (and I get on really well with my mum)."

Same here, but I understand some people's partners aren't suited to being a supportive birth attendant, whether that's because they're cock lodgers or scared of blood etc.

Having said that, I just realised that there were two women in my wider circle who had their mums there. They are very very involved in each other's lives though, with one of the mother's still doing her married daughter's ironing and admin. It's definitely not the norm.

It's a very personal decision, but I can't imagine being there in addition to the birthing mother's partner- I'd just feel like a bit of a spare part!

Flip

1 2 3

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.

Swipe left for the next trending thread