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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

AIBU- dont mum at birth because of weight issues

70 replies

Maedoula · 01/06/2018 19:42

For a long time my mum has always criticised my weight. I've had pcos since early 20s and insulin resistance, this has made it quite a struggle to loose weight.

When my husband and I went through a separation all she did was link it to my looks and weight and it was therefore my fault. She kept me away from seeing her side of the family most of the time (they live quite far away) and everytime she would go there to visit she wouldn't tell me and one day I confronted her and asked her if it was about my weight, she said yes.

Now I'm pregnant and of course everyone wants their mum at their birth, but because of her constant criticism about my weight over the past few years, I don't feel comfortable of the idea of having her there. It's a time where I'm going to be very exposed and when I was thinking about the birth scenarios in my head, I was actually planning certain things to wear so I wouldn't be so exposed in front of her. Then it dawned on me that this is a time I need to be selfish...?

OP posts:

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numptynuts · 01/06/2018 20:32

I'm not sure why you want anything to do with her at all....

Glassofredandapackofcrisps · 01/06/2018 20:55

I don't think the op should have her mother at the birth, she doesn't sound pleasant.
But what a ridiculous assumption that that's the case for most women!
My mother was at the birth of my daughter there was no one else I'd have wanted!

M0reGinPlease · 01/06/2018 20:56

and of course everyone wants their mum at their birth

No. No they don't.

To be honest if DH had been flattened by a bus the day before, my mum- much as I love her- would not have been top of my list.

And many places won't allow more than one birth partner.

Sushirolls · 01/06/2018 20:58

Congratulations on your pregnancy OP

Not everyone wants/has to have their mum at the birth. I've had 4 DC & only ever had my DH with me. My DD is expecting my first DGC & I won't be with her either. She is having her DP with her. Don't be pressurised into doing anything you don't want to xo

Her0utdoors · 01/06/2018 21:02

My mum got a phone call just as I was transferred into theatre with my first, she was 300 odd miles away, I REALLY didn't want her there. I didn't even want dh with me for my second.

yellowsnail · 01/06/2018 21:05

Couldn't think of anything worse than having my mother at the birth of my child ☹️ I love her but nope, not a chance.

BridgeFarmKefir · 01/06/2018 21:08

Yeah, I love my mum but have no desire to have her at the birth. We've got a great relationship but I've always been very much one for doing my own thing so she gets that.

Your mum sounds cruel to be honest OP. Time to draw clear boundaries. I wouldn't have someone who belittled me and manipulated me at the birth of my child.

mayhew · 01/06/2018 21:08

I'm a midwife. The vast majority of babies I have seen born did not have their grand mothers in the room. Often for very sound reasons.

PatchworkElmer · 01/06/2018 21:12

I know one person who had her Mum at the birth- one. And she was very very young and the father was totally unreliable.

Apart from that, nobody else. I’m very close to my Mum and wouldn’t have wanted her there! She liked getting a phonecall from DH that opened with “Morning Grandma!”

FogCutter · 01/06/2018 21:12

I actually don't know anyone who had their mother at the birth,

Really, I'm late 40s and most people I know have kids. They've only had baby's dad at birth and/ or a few had doulas too.

You have the birth plan you want to.

FogCutter · 01/06/2018 21:14

And I had no one there for my 2nd dc's birth and it was absolutely wonderful and right for me!

happymummy12345 · 01/06/2018 21:15

I didn't want anyone but my husband at the birth. I'd of hated my mum being there.

autumnboys · 01/06/2018 21:16

It may be a cultural norm where you are, or in your family, but I promise you not everyone does want their Mum to be at their birth.

Given her inability to be body positive I would think it could be positively unhelpful to have her there.

Good luck!

ApolloandDaphne · 01/06/2018 21:17

The last person i would have needed at the birth of my children would have been my mum! I don't know anyone who did. Just be clear it is you and your DH at the birth and you will let her know when your DC/her GC is born.

NataliaOsipova · 01/06/2018 21:19

Jesus - why on earth would anyone want their mum there when they're giving birth???!

Can't think of a better way to put it myself.....!

Constance88 · 01/06/2018 21:20

I would hate to have my mom there (and I love her) but she stresses me out at the best of times! My sister didn’t have her there either. You do you! You’re doing well and you are well within your rights to make your choice!

BiscayTrafalgarFitzroy · 01/06/2018 21:20

and of course everyone wants their mum at their birth,

Eh? I'm pregnant. I love my mum dearly but I don't want her to be at the birth! I don't think it's the norm to have your mum at the birth.

lifechangesforever · 01/06/2018 21:21

Not sure where you got the notion that everyone wants their mum at the birth from.. I certainly do not.

If you don't want her there, it's that simple. It's not strange to not want her there, at all.

I have also had a lot of issues with my mum and my weight all my life, not to the extent you have but I know how you feel. It's not the reason I don't want her at the birth though - I just want it to be me and DH.

JoanFrenulum · 01/06/2018 21:21

Love my mum to bits, did not want her at birth of dd. Look into finding a doula, if you fancy having a member of Team You there. I loved mine

haverhill · 01/06/2018 21:21

There’s no way on earth I would have had my mum there, and she is a truly lovely person. Stand up for yourself. She clearly doesn’t mind hurting your feelings.

Pebblespony · 01/06/2018 21:23

My mother is lovely but I wouldn't have wanted here there when I gave birth. Never mind someone who criticized me like that.

lollypop13 · 01/06/2018 21:26

I didn't want my mum there. I'd have told her to piss off don't have her there if you don't want to

seven201 · 01/06/2018 21:26

If my mum were still alive when I gave birth to dd I wouldn't have wanted her there. And she wasn't a judgemental bitch like your mum is. Sorry, I know she's your mum but your post has made me really angry on your behalf. I don't know anyone who has had their mum in with them. Or are you going to be a single parent so she'd be your only birth partner? If so lay down the ground rules.

dragonmummy17 · 01/06/2018 21:26

My mum is a retired mw and I still didn't want her there. TBH I didn't know who was in the room at the time... but if DH hadn't been there I probably would have had a doula

3luckystars · 01/06/2018 21:29

I don’t know anyone who wanted their mother at the birth.? I definitely didn’t want my mother within an asses roar of me during it.

Nope.

The great thing is that you don’t have to tell her anything, just have the baby and tell her afterwards that it all happened too quickly.

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