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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

OK, everyone, should I go for number 4?

66 replies

broodybroody · 10/08/2004 18:21

I am so amazed with myself for even thinking about a fourth child that I've had to change my name for this as too many of you know me!

I'm 36, the other three are 6 and under. I swore never again after the last one, mainly because I was just bored with the whole pregnancy thing as well as broken nights etc etc, so why am I thinking about it now?

We have the space, we can afford another one, but I can't work out if I really could cope with a fourth in terms of sharing my attentions between all of them. Also schools and school runs will go on forever. Finally if I do have another I want it to be before next September so will have to get a move on. That would make the younger two close in age which would be nice, but all the more hard work.

I need Mumsnet to give me the pros and cons! Especially mums of 4... cast your mind back to the first two years of the fourth being around - was it hell??????

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Yorkiegirl · 10/08/2004 18:22

Message withdrawn

lilibet · 10/08/2004 18:27

Thought I had posted this my sleep when I saw the title of the thread!

I'm in a slightly different position tho'- second partner, no money, three children all of whom have their own room, I feel a bit old (41) but I am getting very broody and know that dh to be would love a child of his own - he loves mine to bits but.................

Angeliz · 10/08/2004 18:29

Go on you two!
Join the club

(mind you i'm only on my second!!)

JanH · 10/08/2004 18:36

No, it wasn't hell at all for me, although my older ones were 5-11 which is a bit different from your situation; they were a tremendous help most of the time and DS2 loved them to bits and was always happy to sit and watch whatever they were doing.

Also school is literally just around the corner so it wasn't necessary for me to get all of us ready and out in the morning - DD1 was able to provide escort services. (I would have struggled a lot with that as I'm anything but a good morning person! )

Yes, you are inevitably spread a bit thinner but they have each other and I think that more than makes up for it. If your 2 youngest would be very close in age it wouldn't make that much difference to the length of time you have to do school runs.

And 4 is such a nice number to have...go on go on go on, you know you want to! (You too lilibet. Am going to stalk you now saying go on.)

unicorn · 10/08/2004 18:42

in for a penny!!! Go for it!!

advocateofthedevil · 10/08/2004 19:07

One disadvantage of 4 that I can think of is that you can't fit in a standard car.

lilibet · 10/08/2004 19:08

Yep, thats true!

Original poster

broodybroody · 10/08/2004 19:10

Thats helpful janh - I like that idea that they have each other so you aren't spread so thin. school runs sound a bit of a nightmare - 4 in a car to take 2 to school. I'd have to have some help though, I don't think I could face it all on my own!

My other concern... do you ever go on holiday all together or is it just too expensive/too much hassle?

OP posts:

Original poster

broodybroody · 10/08/2004 19:11

hello advocate - I'm afraid I've got a bus anyway so that isn't a problem

OP posts:

fabarooney · 10/08/2004 19:46

If you want to do it, go for it. I'd love to have a third and my dh is very anti the idea. We are a complete impasse about it. If your dh is up for it too (so to speak) then I'd say the more the merrier!

bundle · 10/08/2004 19:48

fabarooney i'm in the same situation as you. do you think you'll ever reach a compromise (I don't mean half a baby or anything )?

lou33 · 10/08/2004 20:05

I've got 4, aged 12, 7, 5 and 3. It's really hard work imo, but that could be me not feeling cut out for so many kids really. I would have been a better parent with 2.

lilibet · 10/08/2004 20:11

Thats very honest Lou, and I sometimes think how my life would have been different if I had stopped after dd1 who is now 15.

What do you find the hardest?

lou33 · 10/08/2004 20:16

It's just so bloody non stop. I never get any peace, everyone seems to want me at once, I don't feel I can give any of them enough attention.....

I could go on.

Original poster

broodybroody · 10/08/2004 20:19

Lou, that is exactly what I'm worried about. Whether I'll have enough time for them all, or whether some of them will get lost in the middle of the pack, with me not being a good enough parent because I'm too fraught.

I think I probably should stick to three, but I have this strong feeling that there needs to be one more to complete our family. Which is obviously just in my head.

Bundle, can't we do a sort of timeshare arrangement? One of us has the baby, and then we just do 6 months here, 6 months there, you get 18th birthday, I get 21st? . Anyway, tell me your thoughts Bundle - do you think you'll gof or it?

OP posts:

Original poster

broodybroody · 10/08/2004 20:21

Sorry, posts crossed.
I certainly need my space, time by myself, and that just decreases dramatically with each child. Doesn't having 3 of them in school improve that?

OP posts:

lilibet · 10/08/2004 20:24

I have three in school, and I work 30 hours per week, I never feel that I have enough time to spend with them doing homework etc.
Doesn't help that I am doing an OU course really!

fabarooney · 10/08/2004 20:26

Bundle, I don't know how to compromise on this. Dh says we should be happy with our 2 girls. He doesn't see any benefit to the family by having another child. He keeps talking about how much one more would cost, how he doesn't want the stress of a newborn etc. He has some valid points and I have no argument to counter these apart from an overwhelming desire for another child. I know that if I don't have another baby, I will look back in 20 years time and really regret it and I'll blame dh. What's your situation?

BTW, I know I'll be happy to stick at 3 and not be tempted by 4. Am full of admiration for those doing it / considering it!

lavender1 · 10/08/2004 20:28

question is broodybroody, do you think that 5 years down the line you'll wish you'd done it and end up regretting not....do you manage okay with 3 btw (if you're who I think you are I would say from your background and stuff you should follow your instincts)...my mum had 5 and yes she will tell you it was hard work but I always had a playmate and enjoy being part of a big clan, although hard at first I couldn't imagine not having my sisters who apart from my own family are very important for me...sleep on it, ask for guidance from your subconscious and when you wake up you may be able to tell if the dream is good or bad as to whether a good idea (sounds silly but very effective when things are preying on your mind) sorry to go on but I hope you find the right decision for you soon....lots of luck lavxxxxx

nutcracker · 10/08/2004 20:30

I really cannot escape this can I

I am also dithering at the mo, trying to decide wether to have no4.

After the day i've had I decided NO, but have changed my mind at least 5 times since.

lou33 · 10/08/2004 20:34

I have 3 at school and i don't find it does tbh. They all now have homeowrk, and I have to fit in physio and med appointments with the youngest as well. They need things bought for them all the time, so we are always feeling the pinch. We never feel we have done enough, taking them out all together gets really stressful, because we just can't relax, with so many needing watching. I'm bloody knackered every day.

I know a lot of it is because ds2 has sn, so has extra time invested in him, but the more children you have, the older you get, the higher the risk of having a sn child child as well. It is something you should think about, and whether you could cope with this fact should it happen.

Original poster

broodybroody · 10/08/2004 20:52

Thanks a lot for being so honest, lou. I know quite a few people with 4 children, but they mostly say "its busy, but fine, no problem" and I don't feel I get the real picture.
Your ds2s SNs must make things busier for you, but as you say there is no guarantee that that won't also affect me.
Hmmmmm.
DH very keen, so can't really discuss it with him. Can't get much more out of him than he'd love it but it is up to me. Which it is, I suppose.

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zebra · 10/08/2004 20:59

I have 3 and am so overwhelmed by it. Kids fill your life with love, but they are such hard work...

Very impressed by the bravery of those of you thinking to go to 4... If having a baby were like going to the petshop only more expensive, I might think about it... but it's not. Pregnancy is too hard. Being split into a million people (I could use 3 more sets of arms, really) is too hard. Childbirth is too hard!

mears · 10/08/2004 21:09

I always wanted 4 and don't regret it. I found it easier going from 3 to 4, but life does become harder the older they get. Teenagers are a bit of a handful, but that goes for whether you have 2 or 4.

nutcracker · 10/08/2004 21:11

Mears - Do you mind if i ask how old you were when you had your 4th ??? Oh and what were the age gaps ??
Feel free to tell me to sod off

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