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Pregnancy

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Original poster

Induction-partner feels he doesn't need to be present

72 replies

DollyH · 18/04/2018 21:18

I'm new to this and needed somewhere to let off some steam.

I'm currently pregnant with only 4 days to go until I'm induced at 8.00am on Monday the 23rd of April and I'm currently in tears and have walked out of a dinner with my babys dad.
He asked me today by text the following;
"On Monday am I working? If not much is happening is it worth me wasting a day of my leave? I can be on call x"
No way have I ever given the impression he wasn't coming to the induction and made it very clear he was needed and wanted. He over heard me saying to a friend last night its a shame he may lose a few days of his paternity with our daughter due to being induced and I have to stay in a few days after due to having gestational diabetes with her. "Wasting" a day is he joking!!!!! I'm fuming he's used this term and has backed it up and justified all he will probably be doing is sitting around bored waiting for things to happen and could be at work (1.5 hours away)- until things get moving! I'm so upset and angry at him to not understanding or appreciating how daunting this is, how I dont know what to expect, how long it could take and he expects me to get to hospital on my own with a ball, 2 suitcases and the car seat alone to a hospital I have to go to 45 minutes away all alone until he feels things have started enough for him to justify leaving work!!! Please tell me I'm not being unreasonable for being so hurt and upset that he has not made me feel he wants to be there, both for suport and company and to just listen to the drs and midwives help me get settled in and just generally be there for me. He cares more about the days lost with his daughter than supporting me through such time to even get her here. He's saying his 2 bosses told him today they didn't go with their wives as a justification he shouldn't need to either and I said I dont care what other people do its the fact I need him to be there for ME during such time. The fact he asked me and doesn't clearly feel the want or need to be there for me even after I've explained why I need and want him has hurt me a lot. Finding it hard to currently stop being upset at the fact I chose to have a child with such and insensitive person is not what I would of ever wanted for both me and as a father for my child. Someone please tell me I'm right in being upset at this because he's turning this around on me saying he should be able to go to work and come home when its happening not be there through the process and this makes me feel so alone uncared for and unloved.

OP posts:

Fieau · 18/04/2018 21:24

I'm on the fence as to whether YABU.... I'm being induced on Sunday night and my partner is planning on working until things are actually happening (as we've been told could be 2/3 days). He wants to spend as much time as possible with his newborn child, not sitting around waiting for my labour to get going which seems fair enough to me.

However, in your case it sounds like this hasn't been discussed and that therefore your partner is being a bit unreasonable if he hasn't discussed this with you first or taken your views into consideration.

If you are sitting around for hours at a time just waiting to see doctors do you actually think you need him there with you??

Iliketeaagain · 18/04/2018 21:25

You should absolutely expect him to be there. Although, my induction took quite a few days, so DH was with me during the day but I sent him home to sleep at night. We only lived 10 mins from the hospital so he could have come in overnight if need be. He could have stayed as I was induced in delivery unit but it made more sense that at least one of us got some sleep.
But he did have to use annual leave as his paternity leave couldn't start until baby was born.

0to3sadonions · 18/04/2018 21:31

My induction took 7 hours from pessary to baby, (although I was 41+6 and having vv mild contractions beforehand. But I still went alone. I would much rather have the days after as a family than sitting there bored on a ward (which they’ll send him home at 8pm anyway)

MotherlandGasp · 18/04/2018 21:31

I totally understand that you want him there, and I would feel the same. I think he should listen to what you say you want and need. You're the one giving birth and how you feel matters.

But on the otherhand... for the people I know that have been induced, it's been a really long process. Two friends were in hospital for a week before their baby was finally born. I think you should prepare yourself for potentially quite a long wait. You don't know how it's going to pan out.

Could you find a compromise maybe? He goes with you to settle you in and takes some time off work to do it. Then if nothing is happening quickly, he goes to work and waits for your call when things start moving.

You might be glad of him having some more time after the birth to support you and the baby. Especially if things don't go to plan and you end up having a c-section.

Mybabystolemysanity · 18/04/2018 21:32

Oh poor you. Induction is quite a scary idea and a bit unpredictable. Thing is, you don't know if you're going to get your slot for the labour suite. I waited on the ward for a week because there were so many sections/spontaneous labours. If you are not urgent, they'll wait until there's a slot for you. I had borderline high blood pressure, nothing serious.

You also don't know if you'll go into labour one, two or eight hours after a first pessary, or have to have two lots twelve hours apart which don't work, in which case they might put a balloon in. Or you might be 2cm dilated and contracting without knowing like I was. I had 7 sweeps in a week, then rupture of membranes in the labour suite. Once my waters were broken I went from feeling nothing to full blown labour in two hours. You'll also have a ton of crap to cart about, as you say.

When they came to get me for my slot, I asked them not to start until DH travelled in from home 45 minutes away. It took that long to get ready for the ARM. Be prepared for the bloody big cannula they put in your wrist. If the midwife is making a hash of it, ask for someone else to do it. Mine hurt.

I feel for you, I really do. I had a great birth in the end, but I was genuinely afraid because I didn't know what to expect. Maybe show this to your partner and tell him he can go to work but needs to be on standby. Do you have anyone else reliable who could be there?

gamerchick · 18/04/2018 21:33

I was induced with my third and things didn’t start until around 12 hours and didn’t actually heat up for another 6 hours after that. I didn’t take my ex for the start up. I took a book instead.

However he should help get you there. I’m a bit perplexed to why you’re taking 2 suitcases and a car seat though. You just need your stuff and something to put baby in when here and your bloke can bring the rest in and car seat when you’re being discharged.

MrsTylerJoseph · 18/04/2018 21:34

I guess he wants to spend time with the baby when she’s born and I can understand that. You could potentially be on an antenatal ward, pessary in situ but nothing happening for 30 hours.

cablewable · 18/04/2018 21:34

10 hours from start to finish with mine and started having contractions a few hours into it. It wouldn't be such a huge deal if he wasn't 1.5 hours away. He could potentially miss the birth 😕

MrsTylerJoseph · 18/04/2018 21:35

Yes, don’t take the car seat with you.

CazM2012 · 18/04/2018 21:37

I’ve had 4 inductions, the longest which was 4 days, and I couldn it have coped being poked and prodded without the support of my OH. The shortest was 80 minutes, he almost missed it going to find a snack.
Some people do great on there own, I wasn’t one of them and if you feel you aren’t either he should be there.

Doje · 18/04/2018 21:37

It is tricky. When I was induced, DH was there all the time other than sleep time, but it took 3 and a half days.... Also ended in a c section, and with hindsight, it would have been better to have him with me for those 3 days after DS was here. Would I change it....? I don't know.

AvoidingDM · 18/04/2018 21:38

My hospital would send him home until standard visiting hours 3-4 & 7-8 or I was far enough on to be moved to a labour suite.
You'll be fine, take a book, some music and load some stand-up comedy stuff on to a tablet.
My logic for comedy stuff v a film is you're likely to be interrupted which is annoying during a film as opposed to missing one punchline.

TalkFastThinkSlow · 18/04/2018 21:38

I kind of see his point. The less time he uses now, the more time he will have with you and the baby.

Being induced doesn't mean a baby will come straight away. When I was being induced, there was a woman on my ward who had the pessary twice and still hadn't had any contractions. She had been there for 3 days. Some hospitals will send you home after induction and tell you to come in when things get moving.

I had contractions straight away but was still in labour for 20 sodding hours!

Readytopop12 · 18/04/2018 21:38

I was induced with both my DC and my DH was there the whole time. It's scary going on your own! My first labour was 12hrs from pessary to baby and my second 6hoyes from ARM to baby. It won't necessarily take days like they have you believe.

YANBU

CaMePlaitPas · 18/04/2018 21:39

OP, I'm sorry but it's time to put on your big girl pants. The only person who is having this baby is you, you need to be a bit stronger than this. Inductions and first labours can take hours... I think you should let him go to work and he can come in the evening to see how you've progressed. Get him to bring your bits in later, and honestly leave the ball at home, as soon as the contractions set in you'll want to sit on a hard supportive surface, not try to maintain your balance on a space hopper...

Isittimeforbed · 18/04/2018 21:40

If this is your first baby it really could take a few days before anything much happens and it may be that he's more help to you being around longer after the baby's born. Do you have any other friends or family around who could come and keep you company if there's a lot of waiting around? Having said that, he really should be taking your wishes into account and not deciding based on what his colleagues did. As a side note it's really not necessary to take the car seat in for the start of your induction especially if you know you're staying in for a while after. Two suitcases sounds also sounds excessive, could you repack so that you could take one case and he could bring in extra as needed. Hospitals don't tend to have much storage space and all that stuff could get in the way.

Wowzel · 18/04/2018 21:40

I think you are being a bit unreasonable - I was induced and nothing really happened for nearly 3 days. My H was bored, I wanted to nap without him sat there talking to me and so I sent him to work to be "on call" to me

Ginger1982 · 18/04/2018 21:42

YABU. I was induced on a Monday afternoon and nothing, literally nothing, happened for nearly 2 day's. I actually sent DH home way before the end of visiting and we were so bored but I felt like I didn't need him there. I was glad he was there when the pessary went in as it was awful but after that he was useless until I actually had my water broken, then he cane straight in.

GinaLinetti99 · 18/04/2018 21:43

I don't know if YABU.

Inductions can take a bloody long time, and it really is useful to have a partner who has more time with you afterwards. DH worked through the early stages of my first induction, which meant he felt ready for paternity leave (induction was sprung on us unexpectedly). The second time he stayed with me the whole time.

As someone else has said, the amount you're taking to the hospital sounds excessive. Perhaps repack so you take one bag in with you for induction and labour, then get your partner to switch it for another for baby and the postnatal stay.

ibetyoulookgoodonthedancefloor · 18/04/2018 21:44

I've had 2 inductions, first was quite quick and 2nd was longer. Husband was there both times.

If I could have had a private room I don't think I would have minded being myself, probably more so the second time as it took for the 2nd pessary to get things going.

You could end up having quick induction though?

I was in hospital before my induction and had to stay in after baby as well, was a bit rubbish as husband didn't get to spend all his time off with baby.

Good luck op, hope it goes smoothly for you.

AvoidingDM · 18/04/2018 21:44

Oh yes stuff for the induction my plan was I had my bag with me and my bag of entertainment stuff.
Once I moved to delivery suite DH would bring babies bag and take away my bag of entertainment.
Car seat bring it in when you are being discharged.

Kintan · 18/04/2018 21:49

Having been induced, I do actually agree with him. We were in for 3 days with not much happening and in hindsight we both said we wished we’d know what it would be like so my DH could have used his paternity leave when the baby had arrived. It is a bit mean that he isn’t taking your feelings into account though.

Dobbythesockelf · 18/04/2018 21:52

I totally get where you are coming from. I was induced and although it ended in a c section I'm glad I had my dh there most of the time. He went home at one point and i got rushed into labour ward due to complications, luckily they rang him and we only live 20 mins from the hospital so he was there quickly. I would have another talk with him. It is scary no matter what people say and your feelings shouldn't be dismissed.

BlueberryMarshmallow · 18/04/2018 21:54

I dont think you are being unreasonable at all. I would expect my other half to be there unless I asked him not to be. Your scared and want him there surely that should be enough, he is going to have the rest of his life to spend with his son/ daughter whereas your only going to give birth to the little one once a bit of waiting around won’t do him any harm.

RicStar · 18/04/2018 21:54

I think yab (a bit) u. I got the bus to my induction with ds. You don't need all the stuff just bits for you. Dh was a bit closer 1.5 hours is quite far. Dh would have been bored and annoying waiting around. I just watched TV and tried to get some sleep - was a few hours before Dr's even got to me and I was there for more than a day before ARM and labour. But if you need support he should understand and give it. Sounds like you need an honest discussion.

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