Induction-partner feels he doesn't need to be present

[DollyH]

I'm new to this and needed somewhere to let off some steam.

I'm currently pregnant with only 4 days to go until I'm induced at 8.00am on Monday the 23rd of April and I'm currently in tears and have walked out of a dinner with my babys dad.
He asked me today by text the following;
"On Monday am I working? If not much is happening is it worth me wasting a day of my leave? I can be on call x"
No way have I ever given the impression he wasn't coming to the induction and made it very clear he was needed and wanted. He over heard me saying to a friend last night its a shame he may lose a few days of his paternity with our daughter due to being induced and I have to stay in a few days after due to having gestational diabetes with her. "Wasting" a day is he joking!!!!! I'm fuming he's used this term and has backed it up and justified all he will probably be doing is sitting around bored waiting for things to happen and could be at work (1.5 hours away)- until things get moving! I'm so upset and angry at him to not understanding or appreciating how daunting this is, how I dont know what to expect, how long it could take and he expects me to get to hospital on my own with a ball, 2 suitcases and the car seat alone to a hospital I have to go to 45 minutes away all alone until he feels things have started enough for him to justify leaving work!!! Please tell me I'm not being unreasonable for being so hurt and upset that he has not made me feel he wants to be there, both for suport and company and to just listen to the drs and midwives help me get settled in and just generally be there for me. He cares more about the days lost with his daughter than supporting me through such time to even get her here. He's saying his 2 bosses told him today they didn't go with their wives as a justification he shouldn't need to either and I said I dont care what other people do its the fact I need him to be there for ME during such time. The fact he asked me and doesn't clearly feel the want or need to be there for me even after I've explained why I need and want him has hurt me a lot. Finding it hard to currently stop being upset at the fact I chose to have a child with such and insensitive person is not what I would of ever wanted for both me and as a father for my child. Someone please tell me I'm right in being upset at this because he's turning this around on me saying he should be able to go to work and come home when its happening not be there through the process and this makes me feel so alone uncared for and unloved.

sorry that's 12:00 midnight not midday.

If it's your first it literally could be 2-3 days waiting around so personally I wouldn't insist on hubby being there (and havnt with both my inductions) esp as on the ward they can usually only be there during visiting hours anyway as frankly everyone is there for a reason and needs rest.

I'd take a good book and call hubby when needed.

Is there another family member who could go with you so he can save his leave for when baby is here?

Everyone of different so it's about what works for you and your family.

Talk to each other about it and I'm sure youl find the right solution.

It's about what works for you but you could be waiting 2-3 days depending on reasons for being induced and how busy the labour ward is as higher priority ladies will go in front.

Also don't take everything with you - Hubby can bring baby bag / car seat at a later date.

Especially the car seat - Youl have plenty of time there's no need to take it in to be induced.

Reading your updates you seem to resent that your DH wants to spend time with ‘her’ instead of you. Why is this? Surely you wand him to bond with his daughter?

My pessary got me going straight away, although still took awhile after that. My friends took a WEEK! My other friend about 3 days. My friend who had a baby other week it took 3 days and ended in c section.

It looks like in the text he was asking you, not telling you - and he also has a point, but given the text he sent you could just say “it’s worth a day of leave to me” I really don’t see the issue 🤔 he’s just asking what you think and telling you what people at work did, but he isn’t saying he won’t be there

Also it’s really important for dads to bond. Mums generally get more time with our babies whereas dads (as a general rule) have to juggle work and try to bond in between.

For the sake of your daughter, don’t be resentful of the time he spends with her. It’s really important, and if he gets an extra day just by avoiding watching you have a pessary shoved up your ladybits then great. It’s not like they do it and it happens straight away

(By “straight away” I mean a few hours. Unsure how long as it was over night. So definitely about 8 +)

It's a really difficult one as he is probably right to a certain extent that it will be a lot of sitting around etc. With not much happening but if you want him there for support then he should absolutely be there.
Could he take you in and help you settle etc. And then go into work late (you don't need to take car seat and baby stuff in at this stage you can leave it in the car or he can bring it later).
Whatever the plan it should ultimately be your decision and you should feel in control about it.

I don't think you're being unreasonable - especially as he works so far away. Is he able to work from home potentially? With a view that he can start paternity if things move quickly? I think he may be under pressure from colleagues based on the bosses not going to induction comments he's raised.

My first induction took nearly a week- husband was there throughout and took annual leave to be there, in hindsight he would’ve been better off being in work. Second induction - husband went to work at 8am (40 minutes away) my sis took me to hospital, I had gel in at 10am, contractions started at 3ish which is when I phoned dh to come to hospital, baby out at 8.29pm- much better arrangement.

Sorry haven't read the full thread but is there anyone else who could come along to keep you company, go for a walk etc with you while the drugs do their thing? I had my mum with me who was a great support. Only took a few hours with a pessary for things to get going in my case (first child).

I was induced - originally it was supposed to be on a Tuesday so I asked my midwife at the time should my husband take the day off work and she said no she didn't think he should as it was likely to be a long wait. I was told i wouldn't be left long of nothing was happening and was monitored closely - definitely want going to be going home to wait on things happening.
As it happened I ended up having to be induced a few days earlier in the Sunday so my husband was off anyway and he did come with me. I did start getting contractions a few hours after the pessary but they later slowed down and by that evening was only 2 or 3 cm. Their idea of not having me long apparently many pessary for 24 hours flat providing waters didn't break and then breaking waters next morning. Husband took Monday off work but it was still 8pm until baby was born. I would say if Sunday had been a work day he may as well have been at work, but I needed him there on the Monday from waters were broken.

I was induced 2 weeks ago and I kept sending my DH to Work so he could have longer off afterwards when I really would need the support. I’m assuming it’s your first baby which means it could be a long process. I’d get him to be there first thing so you can ‘gauge’ if it’s gonna be a quick thing (already dilated, can break waters or close to being able to) or if it’s going to potentially be slow. Honestly, you don’t need him there all the time, it just exhausts you both when at least one of you needs to conserve energy for the real Work when they’re born.

I know I'd want my DP there but he's self employed so I think I'd probably say he didn't need to come. More important for him to be there when things get going and after the birth.

I've been told by 4 midwives this week x2 differnet giving me sweeps and my normal one and diabetes midwife he should be there as its a misconception it takes ages. I'm a high risk case which means they will only give me 12-24 hours for induction to work before I'm given a c section and told if I have to have any emergency c section and he's that far away they won't wait for him so he will miss the birth. This has settled a lot and he's not going to miss it now and knows within 24 hours of Monday she will be here at the latest.

I was induced both times. 1st took 3 days and we were gutted he used up the time off. 2nd time i was overdue and told 2nd is quicker but pessary didnt work and they ended up bursting my waters 24 hours later so anther day of pat leave wasted. If he goes into work and you phone him by 10/11am then that wont count as pat peave anyway? They will put you on monitor for a while first too so pessary wont be going in at 8am think mine didnt go in til 11am as baby wasnt playing ball and got sent for a scan to check for breech (boniest bum ever when he was born 😂) whatever you decide is up to you but i would just say think practically you will neee him more after birth than on the ward. Good luck though!

What will you do if you drive yourself to hospital then end up needing a c-section?
This happened with me and my car was left in the hospital car park for over a week, you can imagine the amount t of parking fines I had! 😫

My dh had a mini ofsted the day I was induced and we t to work in the morning so my dad came with me till dh could arrive (third baby) . I had been induced with dd2 which had been speedy but luckily with third nothing happened for at least 24 hours - I was kept in and if it hadn't been snowing he would have been sent home overnight so i can kind of see your partners point however if it's lonely and boring enough being induced without being on your own

Hi OP,

I had gestational diabetes and was brought in for observation. Told at 2pm that it was a good thing I had a section booked for 48hrs later as showing no signs of labour and baby wasn’t engaged. Fast forward to 1am and my husband having to make the 20 minute drive to get there on time as I was wheeled into theatre. He made the emergency section with a couple of minutes to spare (actually they had already started and had already opened but let him come in). Things can change very quickly with a complication like GD. I think some of the other posters are giving advice based on pregnancies with no complications, and it sounds like that is the same as your husband is hearing from his colleagues. Not a direct comparison.

Good luck

'OP, I'm sorry but it's time to put on your big girl pants. The only person who is having this baby is you, you need to be a bit stronger than this. Inductions and first labours can take hours... I think you should let him go to work and he can come in the evening to see how you've progressed.'

This. He will honestly be much more useful being around after the birth than during the early stages of induction for a first baby. Plus - I don't know how to say this kindly - you're going to have to get used to things revolving around the baby and not you. I think it augurs very well for his fatherhood that he wants the time with his daughter rather than waiting around in a hospital.

It also sounds as if he's under a bit of pressure at work/from his bosses.

FWIW, my third baby was induced. Very, very little happened for about 5 hours, despite a lot of walking around etc. (I did then have an extremely precipitate labour, but I doubt that will be likely to happen with a first baby). I also gave birth to my second without dh, as he was outside looking after dc1 (we had thought they would just be dropping me at the hospital and coming back later, but it turned out I was further on than had been thought).

Hi OP, good luck for your induction on Monday. Perhaps you will even go naturally into labour this weekend. I'm glad to read that your DP is now going to be with you. When I read your first post I thought you were being a bit unreasonable as my induction took three days from pessary until birth. Whilst my DP was there most of the time, I wish he hadn't been until it got serious. Mostly because we would both have been so much more comfortable. As it was, the hospital didn't mind him staying over night, but as there was only a chair I ended up sharing a bed with him, which was hideous for both of us. On top of it he developed severe toothache and a midwife agreed that that was much worse than labour pains...! But overall, I understand you don't want to do this bit alone, particularly if there is deadline before c section. I hope you have properly made up and don't feel still upset about his initial reaction. It's important that you feel fully supported. Good luck and enjoy the ride!