Induction-partner feels he doesn't need to be present

[DollyH]

I'm new to this and needed somewhere to let off some steam.

I'm currently pregnant with only 4 days to go until I'm induced at 8.00am on Monday the 23rd of April and I'm currently in tears and have walked out of a dinner with my babys dad.
He asked me today by text the following;
"On Monday am I working? If not much is happening is it worth me wasting a day of my leave? I can be on call x"
No way have I ever given the impression he wasn't coming to the induction and made it very clear he was needed and wanted. He over heard me saying to a friend last night its a shame he may lose a few days of his paternity with our daughter due to being induced and I have to stay in a few days after due to having gestational diabetes with her. "Wasting" a day is he joking!!!!! I'm fuming he's used this term and has backed it up and justified all he will probably be doing is sitting around bored waiting for things to happen and could be at work (1.5 hours away)- until things get moving! I'm so upset and angry at him to not understanding or appreciating how daunting this is, how I dont know what to expect, how long it could take and he expects me to get to hospital on my own with a ball, 2 suitcases and the car seat alone to a hospital I have to go to 45 minutes away all alone until he feels things have started enough for him to justify leaving work!!! Please tell me I'm not being unreasonable for being so hurt and upset that he has not made me feel he wants to be there, both for suport and company and to just listen to the drs and midwives help me get settled in and just generally be there for me. He cares more about the days lost with his daughter than supporting me through such time to even get her here. He's saying his 2 bosses told him today they didn't go with their wives as a justification he shouldn't need to either and I said I dont care what other people do its the fact I need him to be there for ME during such time. The fact he asked me and doesn't clearly feel the want or need to be there for me even after I've explained why I need and want him has hurt me a lot. Finding it hard to currently stop being upset at the fact I chose to have a child with such and insensitive person is not what I would of ever wanted for both me and as a father for my child. Someone please tell me I'm right in being upset at this because he's turning this around on me saying he should be able to go to work and come home when its happening not be there through the process and this makes me feel so alone uncared for and unloved.

YANBU If you need your partners support, he does need to step up. Maybe he should step up and discuss it properly, ask how you feel, and work out a practical support plan, to cover whaever the circumstances, should the labour be shorter or longer

Tell him how much it means to you to have his support. Take the conersasation from there and see if you can make a plan, together, to be properly emotionally
supported through the labour.

If he has not got enough leave, can you talk together to work out a plan that takes this into account. Can u discuss another support person if that feels OK to you? In case as others have said , you are in hospital for a longer time ?

After all, soon he will have a beautiful bundle of joy and it will all be so worth it

Because of my gestational diabetes I'm not allowed to be induced for more than 24 hours without a c section. So I have been told i won't be sent home or leaving the hospital until I've given birth. I have two small travel suitcases with my comfortable bits, a pillow and dressing gown take up most room and one is half filled with baby things and other half very specific food I'm only allowed to eat as cant have any hospital food or sandwiches or meals etc. It will take him 1.5 hours from our home so from this out of town hospital I have to go to its 45 min on top. Friend of mine had the pessary and then contracted within 2 hours and had her baby in 4 in total so I dont want to be having any contractions without him there just for moral support. It's daunting enough and he gets 7 weeks holiday a year plus x2 weeks paternity so it's not like he can't book the extra few days the other end and spend the same time with her. He's wrongly getting peer pressure from his seniors that they didn't go so why should he. I feel we should treat our situation individually and I've had such a poorly pregnancy through (Hyperemesis for months x 2 operations, diabetes, been electrocuted, bubba hasn't moved 4 times- I could go on) that I feel he should want to be there to keep me company and to not be bored on my own. We are paying for a private room too so I can take as much stuff in and if I drive myself then that's 2 cars at the hospital for potentially 5 days as I have to stay in 2 days after to check babys sugar levels and (he will have to borrow someone's car as he sold his to his brother last week- shocking timing I know) so he needed to drive me there and use my car to come back and forth which he won't be able to do now. Even when I had both operations he didn't drop me off or visit me once and my mum had to come get me from out of town so this was his chance to be there for me for one time and put me first before she is the priority. Hense being so upset.

I was induced 2 weeks ago. Pessary went in at 11am whilst husband was working (my words were I don’t want you to waste a day whilst nothing happens ) he came around 6pm when I was already having contractions. Baby didn’t arrive til following day at 1230 vía forceps.

So it really depends on how you feel. Just cuz your friend had a quick delivery doesn’t mean yours will be quick as well. And I can see his point of spending time with you and baby when he’s born rather than in the hospital waiting for things to happen.

I had to stay another 2 days cu of a bacteria and dh came a few hours both days. He was home cleaning the house with a huge cold so wasn’t allowed much in hospital.

If you want him there I guess he should be there but I agree with him that it’ll be better his company once things start moving

After your update I see your point a bit more - but paternity leave isn’t just “spending time with the baby” it’s a lifeline. That first day he goes back to work and you’re on your own, still bleeding like a stuck pig, finding BF agony, possibly unable to bend down to pick anything up, having had two hours sleep, can be terrifying (not for everyone, but often) and you wouldn’t want to think “if only he hadn’t spent those two days in hospital doing sudoku waiting for the induction to take hold”.

Thank you

He could take another week if he really wanted to -hes choosing not to yet moaning about time. And it's not to spend with us he made it clear its to spend with her. He won't help me or do anything around the house its for pure selfish reasons. My mum's off that 3rd week and could move it to the 4th if he wanted to take the extra week. So I'll have support after i justbwantbit at the time before and want company, for it not to feel so long and it won't be more than 24 hours due to my GD. Thank God.

Would they even let him stay? I was induced with my second and they were only allowed in during visiting hours. There's really no need for him to be there, and you really will want him with you once the baby is here. You'll regret wasting that day when he could have it at home with you and the baby.

Honestly, the best thing you can do is sleep while you're waiting - you will need your strength so take the sleep when you can.

You need him there, i had a very quick induction , pessary in at 4pm by 6pm i was in full blown labour you just dont know how fast or slow it will be

I can see both sides, but I think being realistic it's your 1st baby and most inductions are long slow drawn out processes. I'd far rather my DH had a day with us at home than a day sat waiting in hospital. In fact when I had our last 2, he went to work and the MWs rang him when I was well on my way/due to go into theatre.

But if it's really important to you, just tell him that it's a bad move to argue with a pregnant woman and you want him there, end of discussion.

YY absolutely to what Mostly is saying. I had every single one of the things she's listed and needed DH at home for four weeks afterwards. We were really lucky it was Xmas holidays so he had Pat leave plus his work closed for a fortnight.

YANBU. Your partner should listen to your needs and wants, not anyone else's opinion, and be there for you. He has enough leave to do so.

Good luck, OP!

Are your blood sugars under control? 2 days post birth seems a bit much!

I would want him to stay after being induced and couldn't imagine having to do that by myself.

I was induced with DS1 (he's heat rate kept dropping) and my waters broke within a hour if not less time. Total labour time was 1 1/2 hours. I ended up having a emergency c section at 8cm.

My partner had to go back to work (6 hours away) a week after having DS. Two days of these where spent in hospital. So only saw him at the weekends for the first 3 months. It was hard him not being there. However I needed him more during being induced/ labour then after.

Also in my own experience if he's not going to be much help around the house you will be better of with your mums help after.

I'd bare in mind that you're expecting him to slog it out with you. Which is fine. But it can make them a little useless when it comes to the last stage (the part where you need the most support). From my experience the men don't get any sleep because they don't want to fall asleep in fear of upsetting partner. I'd go alone and every update you get from a midwife give to him and tell him to come in when appropriate.

Being heavily pregnant is rubbish. Waiting to be induced, but knowing what to expect etc is rubbish.

If you want him there he should be there. It will be boring but the company will be nice.

Plus in my book anyone 36+ weeks pregnant is right whatever she says .

My husband said similar things, but then he was glad he was there as within an hour and a half of being induced it all started to go wrong and I was rushed for an emergency c section. I know this is rare but if I ever was in that position again, I would want my partner there, or at least a family member of friend as it would have been very scary on my own. I hope it all goes well for you! I'm sure it will, most births are straightforward!

I was induced with DS2. Started on a Monday night, baby born Thursday evening. DH worked Tuesday all day and two hours on the Wednesday. Not a big deal for me at all.

My boyfriends mum was induced and he was born 45 mins later in the 1990s. You just cannot predict.

I went in for induction at 8am. They were very busy on the labour ward, had an emergency meeting because there was no space left at that hospital or the 2 others in the hospital group so I ended up hanging around the entire day and they finally put the pessary in at 6pm. I was then sent home and told to come back at 6pm the following day if nothing happened. It didn't so I went back for the gel and at that point they have to keep you in observation. Would have been a complete waste of time for DP to come with me on the first day.

I was induced at 12 noon with DS, by 1pm my contractions had begun, by 5.30pm I was in the labour room unable to speak, at 7.29pm DS was born.... he needs to be there.

I was induced with my second and although most of the day was hanging around, once things started baby arrived in about 20 minutes so is he happy to potentially miss the birth of his baby for a day at work especially as it's so far away?!

JUst read your update. It sounds like there is more to this. You have been very ill but he doesn’t help at home. He won’t use annual leave despite having 7 weeks available.

What is he using his annual leave for?
Has he ever put your needs first? Or is this pregnancy the only time you have asked him to?

My last pregnancy was awful. The support of dh was crucial. This is in contrast to when I was having ds which was a breeze after I stopped vomiting 10/11 times a day at 24 weeks.

If you don’t think he is going to be there for you in the hospital it may be worth getting your Mum or someone else to be there for you and as your advocate in labour (which you may need if my hospital experiences are anything to go by).

Yanbu OP. Just throwing it out there - could your mum be your birth partner? I think you need someone who is 100% there to support you, not someone huffing and puffing about "wasting his time"!!! Sorry but he does sound a bit of a dick.

So I had an induction for 2nd Baby, was high risk induction as previous section. I sent OH to work that morning an hour away from hospital, took DS to nursery at 9am, packed the car with bags etc and headed in On my own at 11am. OH left work around 3pm, usually finishes at 5.30pm but told them I was contracting. He got to me around 6pmish. I survived on my own until then, of the shit started to hit the fan I would have called him earlier but no point wasting paternity leave unnecessarily when nothing might happen for a couple of days. If the shot had well and truly hit the fan then yes there was a potential he was going to miss the birth but that risk was fairly small.

I think it’s reasonable of your husband to go to work that day and be on call

I had gd in my last pregnancy and was induced. Pessary went in at 09:00 Monday; waters broke at 12:00; drip started shortly after. Dd born by emcs at 17:32 Tuesday. OH was there throughout. The monday was possibly the most boring day of our lives. In hindsight, he should have gone to work (1.5 hours away also) and come to the hospital after work.