House guests at 40 Weeks

[annawoolfworries]

My mum is bringing her partner to stay over my due date, despite me asking her not to. They are arriving next week and I’m fuming. I’m going to have to give up my bedroom for them & I know it will delay my labour as she did the same thing last time, and I went into labour when they left. I’m not sure how to approach this as it’s going to cause a massive row. Which I don’t want at this stage in my pregnancy. She’s already avoiding speaking to me as she knows I’m upset. She’s not uk based so hasn’t got a home here and says they can’t afford a hotel. Wwyd?

Because her selfish mother is insisting on having the double bed to share with her partner!

No no no. What man let's a woman about to give birth sleep on a sofa?! And what mother engineers such a situation.

If you really cannot stop this, make clear now that they need to decide between them which of them takes the single bed / sofa, and that if they aren't happy they need to look into a hotel now.

I hope you don’t mind me asking this but had she always behaved like this? This is the sort of thing that my own mother does. It’s ideally focussed around large life events I’m going through. My mother normally has to create some kind of drama for herself to be important and yes, it ideally results in her making me look like a cow.
Weddings, babies, parties... the list can go on. You mum sounds like she is a little similar.
You aren’t being unreasonable. Please stick to your guns. They look for ways in and weak boundaries.

I may add that I no longer have contact with my mother because if this sort of thing. Last year she ruined our wedding after staying it wasn’t about her enough!

OMG that's terrible. Please do not give up your bed. If they want to stay let them buy an air bed or share the single. Why is her DP even coming? Surely coming after the birth to help and see the newborn makes more sense. Stand up,to her now and tell her what you sent, don't let her do what she wants x

What you want..not sent x

send them a list of hotels or b&b's for your area
You do NOT have to let them stay with you

she doesn’t see why I can’t sleep on the sofa.

Is this for real?!

If it is-you really are better off without her.

When they arrive I would just pretend I wasn't in.. Turn your phone off. Close curtains.
Ignore ignore ignore.

This may be out of place but when my mum is pulling this kind of sh*t I watch Lisa A Romano videos on YouTube. I find them very helpful in redefining my boundaries and not getting to tied up in the mind games and drama of it all. Good luck with it Op! It’s so hard.

• Eh? What sort of woman would expect her pregnant dd to sleep on a sofa at 40 weeks pregnant?

No one I would want in my life. Message or call "mum I appreciate you want to see me but now is not the time. I dont have the space for guests and am not sleeping on a sofa at 40wks pregnant. You need to either cancel your trip or make alternative arrangements for accomodation. I am not willing to budge on this, let me know which if these two optipns you go for". *

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This!!

@doesthisnsmelookgood good message to send. Firm and clear!

Let us know how you get on. You are definitely not being unreasonable.

I cannot fathom how unreasonable your mother is being. She sounds like such a drama queen/attention seeker. Who comes to stay with anyone at 40 weeks and insists on chucking them out of their own bed FFS!!

Tell her NO! I know it is difficult but this is so selfish of her to book. Not only will you need to give up your bed over the pregnancy but also early when the baby is born. This really is not on.

I would say that she can come but she will be in the spare room on the single bed and her partner will be on the floor. You can probably pick up an air bed for him pretty cheaply.

Stand firm or she will continue to think that she can just turn up whenever suits.

@aetw

I have noticed the same thing with my mum. It really only started when big things started in my life like buying a house, getting married and now baby . I think she feels left out or feels like my life is moving on without her (which it is in a way) so needs to make herself noticed. The thing is it is really effecting our relationship because her behaviour is really damn difficult ! She fell out with me completely because I handt arranged a taxi for her to get from her hotel to our wedding venue. They were a 2 minute walk from each other and no taxi would actually take her there as they were too close. Plus the weather was glorious.

Now she has fallen out with me because Im 'withholding information' about my pregnancy. I'm not. I simply forgot to tell her how one conversation about maternity leave went at work. She didn't ask me about it then lost her temper at me weeks later for 'cutting her out'..she is nuts

@LaurG this sort of thing sounds very familiar. Now I have no contact my life is much calmer and I spend less time in tears. The final straw for me was when I was having an ectopic pregnancy.
I knew there was something really wrong as I was in pain on one side and the tests were really faint, but I had to go for a scan at The EPU. I asked my mum to come along and she said something so unforgivable, (I can’t even repeat it on here) as the sonagrapher told me I would need treatment for an ectopic.the sonographer was so shocked she asked me if I wanted her to get my mother to go.

When I came out I was in tears, she said “oh for god sake, you get so worked up, what are you crying about, it’s not like you ever met the child. Anyway children ruin your life. Look at me, wasting my time here when I could be doing better things.”

Worth checking out this support forum for unreasonable mums and MILs... www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/

I think it's ridiculous what your mum is proposing. What help will she and her partner even be?

My mum will be coming to stay as I am having a c-section and won't have anyone to help look after me or baby during the day when I get home. She will come a couple of days before the date. My mum is going to sleep on a futon mattress on the floor and she's in her mid-70s. No way would she expect me to sleep anywhere but my bed.

What would happen if for some reason you had to have an emergency c-section? You'd need your bed when you came back.

Wow how awful. Tell her no, get her to cancel her flight or pay out for a hotel. CF

Just tell her no.

Oops, pressed Post to soon.

Tell her No and keep repeating it. Don’t listen to her manipulative comments and insults. If she starts tell her you won’t listen, if she carries on hang up.

LaurG that sounds very familiar indeed. I am often chastised for withholding information about my pregnancy, when the truth is im just quite a private person and don't feel a need to discuss it with DM. Perhaps I wouldn't be this way if she'd afforded me more privacy growing up

I was also told off in my last pregnancy for making it all about me, because I didn't want to give constant updates on the state of my uterus whilst very overdue. Certainly indicated the beginning of a big shift in our relationship.

OP your mum sounds horrific

Well they arrive tomorrow. Let’s see how it goes. I’ve been fully guilted into not making a fuss. I get the spare bed, which is a crappy ikea one. I can’t face falling out with my mum while I’m this pregnant. We had the same drama last pregnancy which was a Home birth. Her dp was still there when the midwives arrived. I was hiding in my bedroom. She has form for always putting her partners before her kids. It’s a nightmare, but it’s how she is. Was previously low contact but have been closer since having children as I tend to think how I would feel if my kids didn’t want me about. Though, I’m pretty considerate & would put them first. Thanks for all the support, it’s made me feel supported that I’m not being a “drama queen” about it all.

I'm gonna assume there is no dp involved? There is absolutely no way I'd be giving my room up though, not a chance. It's your space.

Stuff that, how about you get your bed, she get the spare single bed and he goes on the couch!