How do I get partner to understand how tired I am?

[CarlyCape]

It's my first pregnancy (that's made it past 5 weeks). I'm tired. Exhausted even. I don't sleep properly at night and when I'm at home I end up falling asleep during the day until 11/12 o'clock. I work full time mon-fri and have horrible morning sickness that I'm trying to cope with. DP stormed in today at 12 and demanded I get up, telling me I'm just going to make myself more tired. I explained that I was awake all night feeling sick and have finally managed to sleep and that I think I know when I need to sleep or not. He thinks I'm being lazy (I've never been a lazy person in my life).

This, along with pregnancy hormones, is making me feel incredibly unsupported and like he doesn't want to try and understand how rough it is feeling like you have a hangover all the time. His ex who he already has a child with didn't have morning sickness apparently, however that doesn't mean that my pregnancy is going to be just as hunky dory!

How do I make him understand? I feel like he doesn't care...

@CarlyCape she really is! She drives me crazy and I could throttle her at times but my god I know I've got it good and sometimes take her for granted. She's a diamond. Is there no one you could go stay with for a few days just to get that break from him and clear your mind? I really do sympathise with you. I hope you can get stuff sorted

@colditz If only it were that simple!

@Nkhutch how lovely. I'm envious! Thanks for your kind words x

I'm very angry on your behalf. Your oh is a right dick.

Build yourself a duvet fort and stay there. When you have the energy walk out the door and tell him to do one.

Can you pack a bag and go for the rest of the weekend and bank holiday? Visit family or friends (I'd always welcome a friend in that situation) - or even just book into a cheap hotel, get some sleep and read a book?

Might be a wake up call for him, even if it isn't at least you get some sleep. If he is like this now then it doesn't bode well for the early days with the baby, I'm not saying LTB but he needs to get his head in the game and wake up to what you are going through and how supportive he needs to be - he isn''t the one growing the person in his body so he doesn't get to tell you how you feel.

I agree with colditz.

He is showing you who he is.

Going to go out for the rest of the day. Think that's the best it's going to get...

Oh that tiredness! One of my friends told me she used to lock herself in the loo at work and sleep for 10 minutes she was so tired. The first few weeks I used to come home from work and go straight to bed at 7pm.

@ohamIreally it's really taken me by surprise. Until you become pregnant the only symptom you're really aware of is morning sickness!

Wow. That’s just unbelievable I get that men can’t possibly understand, but surely he can read up about it? Pregnancy is absolutely exhausting, I’ve never felt anything like it outside of being pregnant so it’s not even something you can explain to somebody who hasn’t had to endure it.
I’m sorry he’s being like this. Can you stay somewhere else to sleep? It’s really important that you’re getting the sleep and energy needed to grow a human. Take care of yourself

Ha - I made a list yesterday of just the things I have had in this pregnancy so far - good and bad. Just realised I'd missed off the tiredness.

(This is in case me and DH are tempted to do this all again and I want to remember that the pregnancy itself was no fun.)

Luscious hair
Dandruff
Blocked ears
Hormone headaches
Emotional rollercoaster eg crying for no reason at all, because cat is too cute
Darkening skin
More moles
Constant cold
Can't take hay fever medicine
Snoring
Sore joints when sleeping
Round ligament pain
UTI
Subchorionic bleed
Cervical bleeding
Carpal tunnel
Swollen legs and feet
Pelvic girdle pain
Fanny daggers
Piles
Constipation
Diarrhoea
Wind
First trimester insomnia
Constant peeing
Bleeding gums
Reflux
Nightmares
Bigger boobs
Increased blood pressure
Increased body temperature (night sweats)
Incredible thirst
Constant snacking
Morning sickness
Putting on weight
Stretch marks
No bending, can’t put on own socks, reach sink etc
Linea negra
Exhaustion

Tell your DH to pick just a quarter of those and see if he still thinks you're making a fuss!

@FranticallyPeaceful sadly not. It really is exhausting.

Haha @ClareB83 that's a long list! I'm liking the first one though (silver linings)

DH quite enjoys the big boobs one too. Although I think he was less impressed when I explained that they wouldn't ping back to normal when I stop breastfeeding!

When I was pregnant my husband used to come home and find me asleep face down on the sofa still in my coat. Work was exhausting to me. Just being AWAKE was exhausting.

I was so far beyond tired and beyond exhausted with each of mine, it's almost impossible to describe. Working 8-7 with about a 12-min lunch break, the only rest I got during the day was the 20-min drive to & from work. And even then, I used to be concerned about nodding off at the wheel. It really is debilitating and, unless you've been pregnant, you can never fully understand.

OP - he's revealed some of his true character to you and I would certainly take note of it, if I were you. Perhaps not LTB right now, but keep an internal tally.

Actually, scrap the internal tally - set up a note in your phone and jot down instances like this. You'll see a pattern emerge. Otherwise, your head might phase out and forget over time.

Stop trying to go along with his expectations. Just cry. Nap. Say to him someone in this relationship has to look after you while you feel like this and it’s obviously not going to be him.

I’m pregnant right now and can tell you that first trimester tiredness is brutal!! I used to come home from work and go to bed at 7pm (normally would be 11.30pm). You are growing a massive organ (placenta) and a whole new person!! And feeling sick all day is exhausting too if you are trying to hide it from everyone before scan.

You need to spell it out to him! And everyone is different, most women have this tiredness but some lucky ones don’t. It’s all down to how you deal with hormones etc.

Just do what you need to do and sleep.... he’s only got to put up with it for a few weeks and then you’ll be in the next trimester (which is so much easier)

@timeisnotaline so well put. Thank you. That's the best bit of advice I've had in a while!

@Vickylou78 it's certainly not what I expected! I've left the house and not told him where I've gone. Just said I've gone for a walk (which I have). See if he tries to contact me or shows any kind of concern. If not, I'm not coming home tonight. If a hotel is what it'll take to get some sleep then that's what it will be!

It is that simple.

there is no point hanging around waiting for a grown man to change. If he's not demonstrating basic kindness now, then you will be raising children with a man who doesn't demonstrate basic kindness.

WOuld you want a father who doesn't demonstrate basic kindness?

I didn't say it would be easy but it is that simple. You either tolerate this treatment or you don't. There will be no change.

In hindsight I have to say colditz is absolutely right. It doesn't feel that simple when you're in it, though, I realise. But things would have been simpler long term if I'd cut out all of the middle of the wondering and the trying and the futile conversations.

Men who are not supportive do not become supportive later on, if they are going to be they are supportive from the start. My pregnancy now with DH is a million miles from my pregnancy with XP and in comparison I wonder why I stayed so long! I am a bit anxious about how I'll cope with parenting alongside someone who is actually interested/involved since I had the run of everything/all decisions last time but looking forward to finding this out as well as I expect it will be far easier.

He really believed I was just being rubbish at pregnancy and making it all up.

I’m so glad he changed his tune, Purple, but bloody hell

It’s the readiness of some men to doubt or dismiss their partners that blows my mind. You’d think any reasonably kind man would start from a position of believing his partner wasn’t taking the piss. But it seems to be the opposite with these guys - the woman is not believed until a higher authority confirms what she says. I’d struggle to forgive that, I think.