What is a delayed miscarriage?

[Hannie123]

On my diagnostics letter it says I’ve had a delayed miscarriage, is that different from a silent miscarriage? What does this exactly mean as I haven’t found much online. Thank you.

i think it's also known as sugical management. You go into hospital as a day patient, have a general anaesthetic and anything still left inside you is removed by the surgeon. Bit of bleeding after and felt quite groggy from anaesthetic for a few days. Not everyone needs that though, i will keep my fingers crossed for you.

@rosemcn how did your scan go? Mines not until a week tomorrow. Sending you hugs.

For me with my age, the fact I have no kids yet, and my pathological fear of all things medical (still not sure how I coped with two internal scans-not how I'll manage a third. Different when I had a baby to focus on at the end of it) I am desperate for it to happen naturally. But I know there's only a 50% chance it will. And as there was only a 1% chance of an MMC it feels like the universe really hates me right now. I just don't want to do anything that risks damaging my uterus/cervix as I now know I really really do want a baby. And time is running out.

That said mentally I'm just not coping. All I can think about is why is it happening, what will happen if it doesn't come away on its own, is my sac/uterus still growing even though bean isn't? Will that mean the process is even harder? Will the fact that I'm now 10 weeks mean if I do try the tablets I'll have to be in hospital because I really can't cope with that. I just can't switch of my brain.

The tattoo sounds a lovely idea. My partner wants to get something for the garden-maybe a bird bath or similar to remember bean by. Think I'll order my necklace later.

@DaisyChainsForever I'm so sorry for what you went through-it sounds horrific. I've only known a week and a half but I'm already feeling like I can't handle this much longer. I'm getting very minimal brown/black discharge but nothing else. So desperate for pain or proper red blood. Which I then feel so guilty for.

Need to try and do something to switch my brain off. I'll check in later. Hugs to you all xxx

@Laney79 @rosemcn haven't heard from you both in a while. How are you doing? Any changes so far? Thinking of you all. Xx

Hi @Hannie123 I've started bleeding a bit more and having cramps in the afternoon/eve the past few days. Still barely anything on the pad though. Was guiltily hopeful yesterday as the cramps were more painful and kept coming and going every few mins for several hours-but woke this morning and it stopped completely. Have started bleeding again a little now.

Today has been a tough one-just felt so low. Desperate to get the physical miscarriage over so I can make weds my last EPAU appointment...and hopefully start to heal and move on.

How are you doing? Xxx

@Laney79 sorry for the very late replies, I haven't been doing so well. I will hopefully pm you soon. Hope you are doing better today. Lots of love xxx

Really sorry to hear that @Hannie123 do drop me a message when you are ready.

It's so very hard. Xxx

@rosemcn hope things went as well as they can in this horrid situation at the hospital X

@Laney79 how did your scan go today? Thinking of you x

I also had a MMC so I know how hard it is op and sending you

I tried so hard to give my body a chance to mc naturally but it didn’t. In the end I read in the MIST mc study that quite a lot of women having a mmc still haven't mc naturally two weeks later (I think it was at least 50% but will try to find the statistics in a minute).

I had the Erpc and it was the best way for me - immediate physical solution and allowed me to start to process the sadness.

The MIST study shows there is no difference in long term fertility between women who opt for surgical management via the ERPC, medical management or natural mc.

Sending a virtual hug

I wish I had seen this post before now! I found out on 20th March at my 12 week scan that I'd had a MMC. We'd heard the baby's heartbeat a few weeks before and we were told the baby was a week smaller than it should be, so although I was anxious something was wrong, I'd been hoping everything would be okay because I'd made it so far without any bleeding.

I had the surgical management last Monday - for me it was the right option - least traumatic and I thought I'd bleed less. Today is day 10 of bleeding. On Sunday I was out in public and could feel I was bleeding heavy and that there were clots. I had a panic attack and burst into tears 😢

I just want the bleeding to stop now. I also did a pregnancy test this morning and it's still faintly positive. The EPU said I should test again on Monday when it's been two weeks since the op and if it's positive still they've given me a scan appointment for the next day.

Next week I'm supposed to be at a 3 day work event which involves staying away from home. If I go to the scan on the Tues and find out it's all okay then I could miss my lift to the event for no reason. I also don't know whether to go or not - work have been very supportive and told me not to come back until I'm ready. I've been working from home today and yesterday but wanted to get back to work as staying at home with my own thoughts is going to drive me insane. I struggle with depression so I know it's not good for me to be alone.

Should I expect to see a positive test still on Monday? Does anyone have experience of still seeing a positive test weeks after the surgical management?

Sorry for the long message just feel so confused and lost 😔

I had two last year. They’re beyond cruel. All miscarriages are difficult but I think I would have been able to accept it better had I suffered a ‘traditional’ spontaneous miscarriage. In fact, I was uninformed enough to not even know missed miscarriages existed. I just thought you were fine if you got to 12 weeks without pain and blood .

With the first one I had brown spotting at 11 weeks. I panicked, called 111 and the midwife, both reassured me brown was normal. But I instinctively knew it wasn’t, went to see the Gp who referred me to EPAU and found out the heart had stopped at 7 weeks. I opted for medical management as I had never had a general before and the thought terrified me. What a mistake that was! It caused me to haemorrhage, go into shock and fall unconscious. I needed an emergency D&C and blood transfusion to save my life. It was terrifying and I was ill for some time afterwards.

The second one I had no spotting at all. I just went to the 12 week scan hopeful all would be ok but found the heart had stopped at 9 weeks. I couldn’t believe it especially since I had read the chance of having two missed miscarriages was 1%. I figured 1 in 100? The odds are waaaay in my favour but nope, wasn’t meant to be. Opted for surgical which was way better.

I am now 9+4 and absolutely terrified. I know the heart had already stopped with my last two by this stage so I know there’s a possibility that’s happened again and that I will be crying in an ultrasound room and requiring surgery again in three weeks time. I hope not but I’m trying not to be hopeful for self preservation. I still feel very pregnant (still have strong all day nausea that is seemingly worsening) so I’m hopeful that is a good sign but I have no idea. Living in fear every day...

Sorry to all who have also experienced it. It’s extremely cruel.

Also, I wasn’t advised to test until three weeks following the surgery but I didn’t bother because I knew it would hurt too much to see a negative result. I had my first period a month after the surgery so that told me all I needed to know really...

Hi @Hannie123 - I guess it went as I expected. Confirmation that my teeny tiny bean isn't viable. Still measuring 3mm safely tucked in his little sac. Obv that means I haven't actually physically miscarried.

As I've been having some bleeding, all be it minimal, I've decided to try and wait a bit longer, see if my body will sort it itself. If not I'm going to go for pills two weeks today, but I'm hoping it doesn't come to that. I really want it to be over by the time we go on holiday on 31st may. So if nothing else I have a plan. Keep your fingers crossed it works, ideally before I get to the pills stage.

How have you been? How did your scan go?

@RedRobin7 Sending you a huge hug-it's an awful thing to go through, just rips you apart. I wish I was as brave as you with the surgery-as you say it would be over quickly, as for work-could you get the lift delayed or go by other means? I have no advice to offer re: testing as this was my first pregnancy. I completely understand the need to keep busy. I'm off for another fortnight, but have got various projects to do at home to try and keep my mind busy.

@Pinkvoid I completely understand what you mean about "traditional" miscarriage. I am a journo by trade so research is a huge part of my life but I'd never heard of early MMC either-i assumed if you miscarried, you bled and had pain and that was that. Had no idea it could be undetected like this for weeks.

Your experiences with the pills sounds terrifying-I completely get why you went for surgery the second time. I'm just hoping mine sorts itself before I get there. My phobia makes surgery an absolute last resort for me, I wish I had your courage. As for your current pregnancy -first off huge congrats! I'm keeping everything crossed for you that all goes well. Sounds like it is so far. Are you going to wait for the 12 week scan or go earlier? Do let us know how you get on-hope for the future is very much needed.

@rosemcn Any news from you? I hope you are ok xxx

@Onceuponatimethen Thanks for the hug-I swear the amount of actual and virtual ones I need at the moment is off the scale.

Sending hugs to all-it's awful, but we will survive, and when we're ready we will have our rainbows xxxx

@Pinkvoid So sorry you have had two MMCs in a row. I didn't realise the stats were as low as 1%. Keeping everything crossed for you that this pregnancy goes all the way. I know you must be terrified every single day but not long to go until the 12 week scan and if you can successfully get to that point then it might help you relax a little.

@Laney79 I think you're the brave one, as I was too scared to wait and see what my body did on its own and couldn't bear to see it all. I was worried the surgery wasn't the most humane option but I felt it was the least traumatic and I was eventually convinced it was the right option for me.

I've ordered a digital pregnancy test from Amazon so I can have a straight forward yes or no and not have to squint to work out if there's a line or not. It's weird seeing the line and this time wanting the opposite outcome. I don't think I'll ever look at a test in the same way again. Hopefully it'll be negative on Monday and then I can go to my work event and be distracted. My lift is taking 3 others so I can't ask them all to wait for me.

I feel so anxious tonight. My chest is tight and my heart is racing. It's so unfair 😢 It could be because I'm going to work tomorrow against what HR have suggested. I'm going to find the lady and just say I'm in and it's my decision as I'm no longer signed off!

Also, I have online access to my medical records at my doctors surgery. It's quite limited so I can't see much but the last thing they put was "missed abortion". I guess that's the medical term but when I saw that I burst into tears. This whole experience should not be linked to the word abortion. This baby was wanted so badly and to see the word abortion was heartbreaking. Why can't they just call it a missed miscarriage?

Red robin I am so so sorry - they should know better than to put that. How stupid of them. Sending you a huge hug

@RedRobin7 that is awful-as you say abortion may be the medical term but it's a very different meaning for patients. Perhaps a polite feedback form or word with the GP explaining the impact it had on you-I'd feel the same and I think for the sake of our mental health that would be a relatively simple thing they could change. Hugs xxx

@ Hi laney, I'm really sorry to hear about your scan and that things haven't changed. I really commend you for staying strong and for allowing your body to do things naturally. I'm thinking of you.

Things have been difficult to say the least as my bleeding picked up and on Good friday, I began to bleed an awful lot, when I rushed to the bathroom I felt small but consistent clots pass through me. It wasn't until Saturday, 16 hours of cramping and bleeding that I felt bit better, went to the bathroom but sadly passed everything away. I wasn't anticipating it and nothing could have prepared me for it. I just sat there in shock. I ended up going through several panic attacks because of how distraught and sad I was. There was no psychically awful pain as such, but the feeling I had afterwards was indescribable.

There really isn't a lot out there to support women even when I went for my scan, I felt like I was just in the way and when I spoke about my emotions, she blanked out and just wanted to know if I passed it or not.

Also, every experience is different, and even though how it happened for me didn't seem to mirror any others experiences, the support from here does help an awful lot. I know right now you feel gutted and it feels like everything is going wrong but your body will recognise something isn't right and will do what it needs too. I know it will. You really just have to believe in that and not put all your energy into making it happen. Try as much as you can to stay productive and positive.

I'm not going to wrongly advise you, but Raspberry leaf tea is not recommended for women in their first 3 months of pregnancy and I heard many women drink that to induce miscarriage. Dates are also a good thing to eat, a couple a day. This isn't medical advice, more things people recommend, but it may be worth giving it a go. It will support your body at the least.

I am thinking of you Lanely and have been for a while. I really do hope you are doing okay and things work out for you. I know how hard this is and how the next step is just another hurdle. There are so many layers to this and there are times when I am at my lowest. But trust your body, eat well, take care of yourself and rest. In due time your body will do what it needs too. All the love. Xxx

Oh @Hannie123 -I'm so sorry, it sounds like an awful experience. And to not get the support at your scan too-that's just horrid. I know that the units will see women like us all the time, but still there's surely always room for a bit of compassion. I've been very lucky that the nurse at my local unit has been brilliant-and very caring, and I know how much that has meant so I really feel for you.

How are you coping now? My other half is very keen on me having some counselling as I've really struggled -he feels I've been torturing myself and I need to talk to someone. He's probably right.

Sadly no movement in the right direction for me, i've actually stopped bleeding now which is very hard. I'm drinking raspberry leaf, and I've been on three walks already today so I'm trying to stay active. Trying also to tell myself that my bean is gone, and I'm simply waiting on a period, to see if that helps mentally. Also trying to focus on things in a more positive way-rather than my body being evil and useless (which is the way I feel) I'm trying to see it as my body knowing that it can sustain a pregnancy and that its fighting hard to do that-it's simply that bean wasn't forming right and my body doesn't want to believe it. That's what I'm trying to tell myself anyway.

I really hope you are managing to cope a little better-it's so so hard. Keep your fingers crossed that my body does me a favour and let's go soon.

Means a lot to have people who understand. Thankyou.

Big hugs xxx

Sending love to all you ladies. I’m just embarking on what your situation was at the beginning of the thread having had a private scan yesterday at 11.3 and discovering the foetus is 7.3. Been spotting brown and black since Sunday with no progression & very little pain, what an awful feeling to know it’s been in there 4 weeks already. Appointment on Saturday at hospital, dreading them saying to wait another week before I can have treatment as just want it out now. What a crappy thing all this is.

@Laney79 I'm always thinking of you and speaking of you to my husband. I don't know why but you are always on my mind, I think it's because I know our situation took place very similar time and in fairness, you truly understood everything I said, when others didn't. I'm really praying for you.

The service I've received hasn't been great, I mean that from an emotional side. I know I'm one of the thousands of women, but when the woman said "you'll be pleased to know you've miscarried" something felt so strange. I'm supposed to feel pleased the baby's gone? I knew what she meant but it's the smallest things. But the support from hubby and home have made up for it, so it is okay. It's a very personal and private matter and I guess, no medical staff can fully understand that.

I've been doing okay. Last week was very bad. I lost a lot of blood, haven't eaten and just spent days crying and having panic attacks. This week I've tried my hardest to pull myself together, after my scan I really decided that this will be the start of a new life. To live according to what is good for me and my husband and let go of what people are saying and thinking and to live for us, nobody else.

Out of everything, I tell myself that there was lessons I had to learn before I could be a mum. I found that a hard but true grasp. I love my baby more than anything, but now that I've lost it, I'm going to use this time to become the best person I can be, so I can become an even better parent for my future children, hopefully. Although the idea of having a baby scares me even more now, I don't want this experience to deprive me and my husband of a much wanted dream of ours.

But for right now, I'm concentrating on healing myself. Both psychically and psychologically, it may take time but it's what's most important. I can only be a good, healthy mum if I take better care of myself now. I'm also easing myself into uni work and home stuff, to try and find myself again. I do feel like I'll never be whole again and I am still waiting for the day i feel exactly like my old self. But perhaps that won't ever be the case now.

Thinking of you all and I really hope @Laney79 That you begin to start your process. I know it is a difficult time but please don't beat yourself up. I do think that maybe in due time you could seek someone to talk too. I still barely eat and often am lost in a daydream. I do think about reaching out too, so maybe a visit to your gp would do you some good. Sending you lots of love and positive thoughts. All the best and hope you sleep well! Lots of love xxx

@Hannie123 Thankyou so much for your lovely message. I agree it's so important to have someone who knows what this feels like to talk to. It's such a horrible thing. I've never ever experienced anything like it. I've lost loved ones and experienced grief but this is different...its primal? Is that the right word? It's just so devastating. You have been in my thoughts too-was so worried when I didn't hear from you for a few days.

Im so sorry your medical professionals have been, frankly, so callous. I understand what they mean but there are ways to say things and it takes no effort to show a little compassion. I'm livid on your behalf. I would've really struggled without the compassion and kindness of my nurse/midwife.

I completely understand the crying/not eating/panic. I've been the same-the grief/pain hits me like a train, often without warning. As for eating I just don't feel like it-I know I need to but the urge just isn't there. For me the panic a more about what is to come. My bleeding has stopped completely now, which I'm really upset about. It sounds horrible but I've accepted my bean has gone and now I just need my body to accept it and let him go, so I can heal. Im also petrified of what will happen/what I'll be forced into if my body doesn't let go. I'm so scared I'm going to end up like this for weeks/months or be forced to have surgery. And with my age I'm also scared that if I don't conceive quickly I'll never have the baby we so desperately want.

I know what you mean about lessons about being a mom. Part of me wonders if this has happened because I needed to "prove" I could handle it. I know that's silly, but it's one of my coping mechanisms that gets me away from why me/it's not fair/what did I do wrong etc.

I don't think I'll ever be the same either-there's no way I can. After experiencing the joy, the grief, and the deep dark blackness I am different so I have to accept that. And I need to remember bean. Remember that for a few short weeks I was a mom. And the fact that I lost bean means I've lost a part of me.

I'm glad you are getting back into your uni work. I've been trying to keep busy-painting bookcase, shopping, sorting decorators - just to try and stop my brain thinking about what's happening-or not in my case. But it is so hard.

I think I will end up seeing a counsellor-and think we probably both need to, for the sake of our (hopefully) future babies-they need moms who are strong and have learnt to cope with this devastation in a positive way.

Tonight I'm afraid I've caved. I've hit the booze-just so I can try and get some relief. I know I can't do it all the time but tonight I just need to lose myself and try and numb the grief and fear.

I'm sending you all the hugs in the world hannie. Please do let me know how you get on-and keep your fingers crossed my body gives me a break. All my love xxx

@Laney79 thank you for your message Laney.

It is a crazy journey and a constant up and down. I know the limbo you are currently in and I'm sincerely hoping your body begins to let go. I know the feeling of accepting and needing your body to accept and let go too. It's so hard to comprehend it all. The morning it happened for me, I woke up saying I don't feel pregnant anymore. Cause up until that point I still felt pregnant. My hair was shining, my skin was glowing and my body shape was slowly changing. I know it sounds trivial, but my rough hair and dull skin reminds me that everything's gone.

I also feel like babies are everywhere, especially new borns. I was livid the other day as I sat in the car (I sat with my laptop to do uni work to get some peace from everyone). I saw a woman with a newborn girl, walking to her car. She put her baby in, everything was fine and I was watching, usually I wouldn't care but now it's different. Suddenly, the woman pulls out a cigarette and smokes and her baby is crying, but she's too busy smoking. Once she was done she jumped back into the car. I've seen so many things like this now and it boils my blood.

Last week was very hard for me, emotionally and psychically. In fact the hardest week of my life and I thought about all sorts. From questioning why is this happening to not wanting to be here anymore and just wanting to disappear. It was very hard for my husband who was really emotional seeing me like that. He actually said he wouldn't put me through this ever again, meaning he'd accept not having another baby. But despite thinking I wouldn't want another baby, losing this one made me realise, I want to be a mother and for us to become a family. But I don't think that's on the cards for me right away, but I've not wiped the idea, as I initially did. I'm still bleeding and even though it has lighten, it still shakes me up. I even get small clots. I don't know what it is but seeing it makes me hit rock bottom again. I cried a hour ago cause I missed the baby so much. But time is a great healer as honestly, compared to last week, I am doing a whole lot better.

Staying busy is just my way of staying afloat but I still end up drowning at times. I'm really glad to hear you are trying to stay busy and positive. I know it's so so hard and I'm thinking of you. Do be kind to yourself and take one step at a time. I know it's easier said than done but think about what you can do for your body right now, don't think about the what ifs. Try to eat well, drink water and rest. I know it sounds repetitive but being kind to yourself is so important. None of this is your fault or wrongdoing, so don't be so hard on yourself.

I'm rooting for you and praying for you. I hope you realise and understand just how strong you are. And your bean loves you and is hanging is there just a little while longer, but in due time, he'll do what he needs too. I know this is hard but someday you will become a wonderful mother and you will appreciate that a million times more because of what you've gone through. This loss is different, you've lost a part of your heart. But there is always light at the end of the tunnel.

Take care of yourself and try get some sleep tonight. Wishing you all the best and sending my love as always. Lots of hugs. Hanna xxx

@Hannie123 how are you doing now sweets?

I'm still waiting for the actual miscarriage to happen. Had barely any bleeding. Been trying everything I can-long walks, hot baths with clary sage oil, raspberry leaf tea, reflexology, reiki...but nothing.

If nothing moves I'm due to have the pills on weds but I'm desperate to avoid that with my phobia.

It's 4 weeks today since I found out. I should be 13 weeks. My bean stopped growing at 5 weeks. I despise my body. It couldn't carry my baby properly and now it's torturing me by not letting him go, potentially forcing me to do something which petrifies me.

I just want it to be over. I want to move on, grieve properly, and try again.

I'm so desperate to be a mom.