What is a delayed miscarriage?

[Hannie123]

On my diagnostics letter it says I’ve had a delayed miscarriage, is that different from a silent miscarriage? What does this exactly mean as I haven’t found much online. Thank you.

[Hannie123]

@rosemcn you’re very welcome! As for pregnant friends, both my husband’s sisters are currently pregnant, one 5 months and the other 3. My mother in law talk s about them and how she worries their being sick etc, she even asked hubby to send off a gift for her pregnant daughter at the post office. And it just sucks, off course I want the absolute best for them, but the idea of seeing them does hurt me. People can be understanding so saying you need some time to yourself won’t be seen as a bad thing. But you don’t need to explain yourself either. Just focus on you getting better and not what others may be thinking. Look after yourself first x

[brianodriscoll]

@partyinthekitchen thank you for linking that thread - that has helped me so much.

That thread is completely right - there is not enough information out there about what is "normal". I've told a few friends and might tell others when I see them but am absolutely NOT telling work - I want a promotion and I don't want them knowing I want a baby!

[Laney79]

Thanks all.

@rosemcn and @Hannie123 it's just awful isn't it.

Rose-calling ours bean helps. My partner is calling him our test pilot. Says bean had to pave the way and take the risky flight to make sure the ship was ready, but it was a dangerous mission and he didn't make it. Helps him rationalise what's happening, and helps him look forward. Sending you hugs back. It really is hard to go through this. And as @Hannie123 said don't blame yourself - I've been doing the same, trying to find a reason why, why me, what did I do, but I think the answer simply is life is a b**ch and we are the unlucky ones. Made it doubly hard when I went to the EPAU on Monday for the scan when I had to walk past a heavily pregnant woman smoking a fag. Wanted to hit her.

@Hannie123 I completely get the wanting THIS baby thing -several people have said well at least you know you can, you can try again etc, but like you I had plans. We'd booked a holiday for when I was 20 weeks as our last big trip before bean arrived, I was planning on going to the nec baby show to look at prams - just stupid stuff, but it's all been taken away from us.

I think we will try again quite quickly. Bean has taught us many things-biggest being we really really do want to be parents, and with my age (I'll be 39 in July) time is short. I'm petrified of what's to come, and the idea of this possibly happening again is just horrific, but the need to be a mum has exploded in me these past few weeks since my BFP. Bean will always be with me, part of me and my family. Daft how much you can live something that prob never had a heartbeat and is the size of a grain of rice.
Still getting mild cramps-just a bit of brownish discharge/tissue when I wipe-so expect it may take a while to progress. Bit worried it'll happen at night. I'm assuming it'll be so painful it will wake me? Sounds silly but I Don't want to bleed all over our bed X

[Laney79]

*love not live.

@brianodriscoll that's weird-also a promotion on offer at my work and I don't want to tell them about bean and the MC in case it goes against me (ie they'll subconsciously know I am ttc so may not consider me as positively.

Info wise-I've been googling like mad to try and get official figures of the risks of a second miscarriage, particularly at my age but no luck so far. Miscarriage association told me you aren't automatically at higher risk because you've had one MC.

@PartyintheKitchen That thread is really helpful, thanks.

[Hannie123]

You’re at the same stage as me, some brown discharge and mild cramping. I just had a bit of fresh blood and a clot (sorry for overload of info) but still no flow. I’m also worried about it waking me and being all over the bed. The difficult bit is we have to stay at my mother in laws at the moment, and I’m terrified of using their toilet and passing everything. I have no other choice but I just feel really crap. My husband is great but my in laws don’t make me feel too good. I don’t tell my hubby or family too much as I don’t want to worry my mum. I just feel like this is such a rubbish time and this feels 100 times worse cause of the situation.

Don’t worry tonmuch about spoiling the bed, just maybe keep sheets down if you want to be on the safe side and wear a pad. This should make you feel a little better and less worried x

[shushpenfold]

My first pg was like this....baby died at 7 weeks but didn’t find out until the 13 week scan. Horrible experience. It may be of no consolation. But I’ve had 1 MMC, 2 MCs and have 3 children....for me they stuck sometimes.

[brianodriscoll]

@Laney79 the nurses I have met (and a medical student) told me that just because you have one MC doesn't mean you are at greater risk of having another in most cases.

Obviously some women suffer from recurrent miscarriages - this is my first pregnancy and my first MMC so don't know too much from experience.

I told work I had to have today off as I had to have a cyst removed. Figure it's personal enough to make none of them ask any more specific queries. My manager is very nosey (I think he thinks we are friends [hmmm]) but I really don't want any of them knowing what's happening.

My Mum would also be completely overbearing so haven't told my parents - thankfully they know work is very busy and that we are moving house soon so they think my quietness is down to that.

[brianodriscoll]

@Hannie123 do you have to stay? I think if I were you I'd say I'd thrown up and wanted to go home...

[Hannie123]

@brainodriscoll sadly yes, our place isn’t sorted yet and it’s the only logical option as my mums is too small for the both of us. I stay at my mums during the day and head back there with hubby at night. Just feel like I want to scream really, feel like I’m going insane.

[Laney79]

Thanks @brianodriscoll - I'm a journalist by trade so I live on facts and research, so that does help me. It's just so scary to think it can happen again. I've been signed off for a fortnight and totally get the nosey office issue (journos are professional gossips with facts I guess!) - I just don't want people to know. Not only from the promotion point of view but also from the sympathy/ttc again stand. I just can't cope with the "well at least you know you can get preggers" and "ah well, these things happen you'll have to try again" and finally "so...any news? You've been grumpy and tired lately" -you get the idea.

@shushpenfold I just don't know how you coped with that-did they ever say why you experienced more MC's?

@Hannie123 is there no way you can go home? Sounds like the situation is making it even harder for you.

Pain not bad enough yet for drugs, and barely nothing on my pad. I guess it might take a while. Nature is evil sometimes.

[brianodriscoll]

When i had the medical option last week I was in a lot of pain (not that it worked) - for me a hot water bottle was almost as effective as paracetamol/ibuprofen - I didn't want to take the codeine they had given me.

[shushpenfold]

Hi OP, no but I don’t think anyone knows sometimes....just one of those things. The MMC was the worst though to be honest. I’m just enormously thankful that I have 3 healthy children to be honest. Xxx

[Laney79]

Morning lovelies.

Just wondering if anyone has had any movement towards the inevitable yet? @Hannie123 @rosemcn ?

I started with some old brown blood/tissue on wiping on Tuesday morning, that's carried on but not got any worse (barely enough to mark a panty liner) and I'm now getting to the stage where I just want it over. I feel in limbo, trapped and until the actual physical miscarriage happens and my bean is gone from my body I don't feel I can start to try and heal.

It's so bloody unfair. This waiting is killing me X

[rosemcn]

Oh @Laney79 I feel exactly the same. I’ve had absolutely nothing at all. If I hadn’t had a scan I would have no idea that anything was even wrong.

It’s killing me waiting for the inevitable. I’m dreading my scan next week. It actually makes me feel sick. I know what they’re going to say.

Also, I know there’s no heartbeat now, but every night when I get in bed I take my folic acid because I feel so guilty if I don’t, like I’m being neglectful! It’s horrible.

I went out and bought some pads because I didn’t want to get caught out, and just started crying the second I left the shop.

I hate myself because I bought maternity jeans, and now I just want to throw them away. And I’m a bridesmaid in July and ordered the dress two sizes too big and now I don’t know if I can change it. Things like that are gutting.

My pregnant friend keeps asking how I am and I don’t even want to talk to her, and I feel so bad because it’s not her fault, I just can’t bear the idea of it at the moment.

Feel really like I want it to come now and be over with, but obviously that makes me feel guilty too. I haven’t even had a cramp or any spotting.

Does anybody know what they would regarding an operation? Or taking the pill?

Hope everyone’s ok xxx

[brianodriscoll]

I think I'm a couple of weeks ahead of you all...

I went for a scan and they thought MMC but then I had to wait two weeks for confirmation. Nothing happened in that two weeks for me and was a complete head fuck...!

When I went back after two weeks I talked through options and decided to go for the tablets because they didn't have any surgical options for ages. They didn't work for me though so ended up having surgery under a general anasthetic.

Other than the getting over the anasthetic I've been OK, no cramps, minimal bleeding (which I think is the normal shedding of the womb wall and nothing else). Physically it seems OK - I've got a lot on my plate at the moment so not sure I've got anywhere near dealing with it emotionally but I'll get there.

I was so scared about the surgery and had to go on my own but it really was OK.

[Hannie123]

@Laney79 hi laney hope you are well. Sadly I'm still in the same boat. I've been wiping dark brown discharge from Saturday morning (the morning I went for emergency scan). Since the diagnosis of missed miscarriage, I've just had almost like a period but a little less bleeding and mild-ish cramp. My scan in on 3rd of April and I'm dreading it. I just want it to all come out now as much as I feel guilty about it. The waiting is driving me insane but at the same time I don't want medical intervention. Something that has changed is when I wipe, I notice red blood rather than brown, and there's clots too (sorry for TMI). But there's still no flow of blood. I've cried, not eaten, not slept, screamed for five consecutive days. Now, I just want to begin it. Not cause I want to lose my baby, but because I know it's not truly my baby anymore. It's quite a confusing time but I just want this stage over with.

Hubby and I went shopping last night and I brought these thick nappy like pads for when it happens. I took my mum shopping today to take my mind of things, but had cramps that made me rush home. But still nothing since. I just pray it's over for us all soon. I know this is just the start. It is a tough time and I'm thinking of you all. Thank you again for checking up, messaging and being kind x

[Hannie123]

@rosemcn I completely understand that the little things hurt the most. When i told my sister I was pregnant she sent me and hubby a 'boof' box or something. I opened a little package and confetti flew everywhere and there was a 3D box of pictures of me and hubby saying congratulations on your baby. I had it up in the room. I was leaving the other day and stared at the box. It just devastated me seeing congratulations for something I didn't have anymore. I even picked out an outfit I wanted to wear to my first dating scan this week. So many little things like that. My mum used to give me £20 on a Monday to buy myself fruits for the week and she made sure I ate well. She still gave me the money this week and said look after yourself now. I used to rub my belly every time I remembered or went to sleep or prayed. Now when I go to bed I don't know whether to touch it or not. All of it is just so sad and hurts, and I completely understand when you say how you feel.

I do hope things improve for you, and with time it will. Yesterday was a bad bad day, today I feel a little better. And that's how it's going to be for us for a while. I'm thinking of you and hope you know you're not alone.

[rosemcn]

Thank you so much @Hannie123. I’m thinking of you too and sending you all my love xxx

[Laney79]

@rosemcn you're not the only one re: folic acid and vitamin D. Still taking them daily. Way I figure is that we are going to want to try again, and time isn't on my side so better to keep taking them than stop.

I know what you mean about things like the clothes etc. We booked a holiday to Greece for start of June-should've been 20 weeks. We booked it about three days after we tested thinking it would be our last opportunity for a few years, and spent more on it than normal because of the dates needing to be right before I was too far gone. Also wrote daft things in my diary-nct sales, nec baby show-that sort of stuff. Just heartbreaking.

Totally get the guilty feeling too with wanting it to be over. I desperately with all my heart want my little bean, but if I'm ever going to be a mom, I have to get through this, and that means I have to let him go. So I'm hoping nature, after being so cruel, will be kind and will let me miscarry completely naturally.

In terms of what next-the nurse gave me the impression that after my scan in a couple of weeks we'd discuss options. I have a huge phobia of drs/medical profession so I'm desperate to be messed with as little as is possible (I'd never had an internal examination of any kind until the scan on sat-can't even handle the idea let alone reality of smears, I even used to have panic attacks when going to GP-I cope better than I did but I still feel petrified simply talking to medical bods). Can't even begin to comprehend how I'd handle having to have an op- @brianodriscoll I really admire you for doing it, and I'm so sorry the pills didn't work. That must've been so traumatic in top of everything else. I've read that you have to take more pregnancy tests after it's all over until you get a negative one-is that true?

@Hannie123 totally get where you are coming from. I'm desperate each time I go to the loo to see red blood, or something other than the brown stuff. I rang the nurse at the epau to ask about it today and she said it may be the start, but equally it may just be an old bleed coming out and it may just stop. I was hoping she'd say yep that's the start, and in xxx days time it'll all be over. Sobbed again on the phone to her. I too feel like I've spent the past 5/6 days sobbing/shouting and I guess asking why me. It just feels so unfair. And totally irrationally but I can't shake the feeling I've failed at the first rule of motherhood-keep the bairn safe-my brain says don't be so stupid but my heart is broken and it's how I feel. I so hope that both of us get through this stage as quickly as possible.

I'm now getting stronger cramps-more like my normal period pain, and they are almost constant and have been for a couple of hours so I'm really hoping this might be it.

Thank you fir being there. Helps to know I'm not alone. Huge hugs to all xxx

[rosemcn]

@Laney79 I echo everything you’re saying and send you all my love. Lying on the sofa and just suddenly got some dull cramps and got so scared. I’m so nervous for the physical side of all this. I live an hour away from a hospital and my husband doesn’t drive so I don’t think the operation option would work well for us, and I had a medical abortion and the pills made me violently ill so I am really desperate to miscarry naturally but at the same time I’m terrified.

Hearing from you ladies always makes me feel a little better so thank you so much for sharing xx

[Hannie123]

@Laney79 @rosemcn I wish you all the best and hope this time in our life goes as smoothly and easily as possible. I feel relieved to have other women who understand what I'm experiencing, even when most of the time I don't myself. I hope you all get some good sleep now, some rest and begin to move towards the next step. Praying for you both. Hopefully tomorrow we'll all have some positive news to share xxx

[brianodriscoll]

@Laney79 they sent me home with a test to take after 3 weeks. If that shows up as negative it means this is all physically over.

Spoke to soon on symptoms, fairly heavy bleeding and pain tonight . Not sure why it's taken so long to kick off!

[Hannie123]

@brianodriscoll hope you're feeling as okay you possibly can feel at the moment. Praying it goes smoothly for you, sending you love and thoughts x

[Laney79]

@Hannie123 you up too? I'm not sleeping at the mo. Woke at 3.30am yesterday, 4am today. I'd been the same since I found out I was pregnant. Put it down to pregnancy insomnia xx

[Daydreamdelay]

Hannie I can't add to the advice above because it's a long time ago since I was in this position but I just wanted to send you unmumsnetty hugs and love.

People will tell you you are young and you can try again or that it just wasn't meant to be but please remember it is okay to be sad and OK to mourn your baby no matter how early the miscarriage was.

I have nothing from mine but friends have planted flowers or small trees in the garden to remember and acknowledge.

Do what helps you and sod everyone else.