She's had a miscarriage...

[Mum8515]

That's it really...
so my husbands sister who was 12weeks pregnant (no one knew except her & her partner) had a miscarriage yesterday. They have 2 kids & we were called yesterday morning to ask if we could have the kids, her partner sounds quiet low. I of course agreed & when he came to drop them he told me what happened...
we've had the kids since, no one else still knows what happened & they would like to keep it that way. What sort of support can I offer them? What do we say? She was 14weeks & they have 'done the procedure' she's gone back home today.

I don't know what to do in a situation like this.

Tell them you love them. Let them talk, whether that be now or in six months, grief can hit when you least expect it.

Tell them you are so sorry, do not say "it will have happened for a reason", or "never mind, you can try again". Ogfer to have their other two kids again if they need some time alone, make sure you offer support to your brother, not just his partner, as he will be grieving too xx

"Offer", not ogfer.

Just say you're sorry to hear and ask if there's anything you can do.
I had several miscarriages and I was very upset by people who

1. said nothing (it was probably because they didn't know what to say, but still);
2. these things happen for a reason;
3. your body was trying to tell you something;
4. do you think it' was because you're too old;
5. at least it wasn't a stillbirth
6. it was only a collection of cells anyway
7. at least you can go on holiday now

I'm not bitter - oh no.

Only one person was sensitive enough to say 'I'm so sorry, how awful for you - and left it at that

I had a friend who already had kids but had a late miscarriage. She knew I was there if needed. At about 2 weeks after I arranged for me, her and the kids to go out for the day, she had been really low and she has always said how grateful she was for me to make her get out. We didn’t do much or anything particulary special (went to the petting zoo with a picnic) but it was her step forward for normality again. X

Just be there
Don’t tell them everything happens for a reason or that they’re lucky their baby wasn’t born disabled. I’ve had several losses and those two comments piss me off the most.

Just send them your love, and say you're sorry and that you'll have the kids for them whenever they need you to (if that's possible!)

Just say you're sorry, you're thinking of her and if she needs anything to ask ❤️ encourage her to cry and mourn.

Don't say:

At least it happened early.
It's very common.
Everything happens for a reason.

Do say

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I'm here for you whatever you need.

I know it might sound strange but when my sister had her first miscarriage, I bought her some really lovely comfy pyjamas and a hot water bottle and nice bath stuff and a homemade pie and she said that offered some small physical comfort for her in a time when really there isn't any emotional comfort you can offer right now.

When I speak to it about my husband he doesn't really understand it. She's his sister, but he feels we don't need to go around in that way (unlike when someone passes away) he said she was only 14wks, baby wasn't physically in front of her how do I make my husband understand this?! Or he's avoiding going to offer support because she's his little sister.

Thank you to everyone for taking the time out to send messages x