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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

DP left me and found out I'm pregnant today

65 replies

pregnantandfrightened · 24/01/2018 21:01

DP left me last week for another woman which was completely out of the blue and today I found out I'm pregnant and think I am around 6 weeks. We were trying for a baby so a huge part of me is elated but an even bigger of me is so scared. I don't want him back for the sake of a baby and am deciding I want to proceed with the pregnancy.

Does anyone have experience single parenting a newborn? What can I expect? Also the financials. I have a pretty good job so money shouldn't be too much of an issue but my job is very demanding and I'm wondering how I'd work it with a 6 month old baby (I anticipate taking 6 months off). I don't have very much family around me so would need a LOT of childcare to cope with my work demands.

Is this doable?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Addy2 · 24/01/2018 21:33

Have you told him? I really think you should. Sounds like you're in a better position than many single mums so I recon it's doable.

ClaryFray · 24/01/2018 21:50

It's always doable.

Congrats :) xx

Original poster

pregnantandfrightened · 24/01/2018 21:59

Thanks both. Not yet although I agree I will need to at some stage. I’ve ordered some books so hopefully they will calm me down!

OP posts:

proudmum4 · 24/01/2018 22:05

Always doable so fair play to you and congrats, sorry about him leaving you though Hun it's his loss 😘

Merryoldgoat · 25/01/2018 01:38

Of course you can manage! Congrats.

Start planning a budget from now and accumulating baby stuff from friends/second hand sites.

MountainVista · 25/01/2018 01:45

I have no experience but do it. You would be right to be terrified but don't let the fear make a decision you wouldn't otherwise.

The books won't help you hugely, but some good legal advice might, so you are confident about exes rights and responsibilities before you tell him your decision (assuming you go for it). It will also help you to think about how you'll pay for childcare.

FloralSocks · 25/01/2018 07:14

Do you have any other children OP? Have you had a newborn before? How old are you? How long have you been TTC for?

Lots of people will come on here and say ‘do it’, but they don’t have to live with the consequences.

I’ve recently had a baby and they are hard work! My partner is wonderful and I couldn’t have done it without him. Well I suppose if I really had to (eg if he died in a freak accident) I could have, but I certainly wouldn’t choose to do it without him. I would think very carefully about this decision and it really needs to be your decision, no one else can decide for you.

FloralSocks · 25/01/2018 07:18

Also I just wanted to add, if I were older (say 35+) with no other children and if I felt this was my shot at having a child then I might go for it.

If I were younger and had the chance to meet someone else and start again then no I would not.

Also if I already had a child then I probably wouldn’t, particularly as your ex-DH would probably treat the older children v diff from this new one.

RosaBaby2 · 25/01/2018 07:34

Yes it will be hard, but so worth it.
Are you assuming your ex won't want anything to do with the baby now? Don't forget there's maintenance payments to consider, and also the fact that even if you're not together he may still have contact and help out?
I'm single and pregnant (25w), it's daunting but you will get used to it

Razorboy · 25/01/2018 07:40

I did it. I had a 4y.o DD1 then DD2 arrived after I separated from her dad and then found I was pregnant.
DD2 was not an easy baby and I struggled financially but managed.
In some ways it's easier on your own - no one to argue with and no one to stop you from having an early night

I would say look in to your childcare though as it is expensive and not always easy to find the right fit. You may want longer than 6 months mat leave too or need to go back on reduced hours so have a good think

IggyAce · 25/01/2018 07:50

You can do it, I won't sugar coat it will be hard especially the first few weeks they pass in a haze. But every new parent muddles through and finds their feet.
But my best friend was raised by just her mum after father left. She and her dm have a lovely close relationship.

Alanna1 · 25/01/2018 07:59

Do you have someone you can talk with in RL?
Yes I think it’s do-able but it’s also not easy, but if it’s what you want to do then go for it!
I have a friend who was in a similar position to you although her family do help her out sometimes but they don’t live close.
Goggle the costs of a full-time live-in nanny. Could you afford that from income until your child is at school? That would be the easiest solution with longer working hours. The working time directive applies here too though so some people need a nanny providing support and a nursery. Au pairs can help too once a child is older with taking to/from etc.

BoredOnMatLeave · 25/01/2018 11:54

Don't have any experience of being a single parent but I just wanted to tell you it is absolutely doable. I have a friend who was in exactly the same position and she has done really well and now has a very happy 4 year old. Her number one tip is to budget asap and keep money aside as soon as you find out your pregnant. I would tell your ex P quickly and just get it over and done with to be honest.

Also, noticed PP said they wouldn't be able to, I however would be able to. DP is a great dad and helpful but I know i could do it without him. It was easier when he went back to work after paternity leave to be honest.

cherryontopp · 25/01/2018 12:10

It will be hard theres no doubt about that but if u want this baby, then you'll muddle through it no matter what.
As PP have said, I would definitely think about this 100%.
People manage, you'll get help via working tax etc and see how much youll be entitled to for childcare.

I do find it a tad amusing that your dick of an ex is probably with his OW right now, basking in the honeymoon period thinking he's left you and he'll never have to see you again, starting a new life......and you drop this bombshell on him and his bit on the side Slap maintenance on his forehead!

Saz1995 · 25/01/2018 12:14

Congratulations, it is the best feeling in the world being a parent

Gemini69 · 25/01/2018 12:21

Congratulations

Karigan1 · 25/01/2018 12:25

It’s doable. Calm and breathe. There’s load of help for working mums and usually wrap around school clubs to help. It’ll take money but there are tax incentives and working schemes plus some free care depending on wages. Start googling the various financial helps now and get a good child carer lined up soon as you can realistically.

Congratulations. You CAN do this.

And don’t take the cheating arse wipe back just because pregnancy hormones kick in. You’re worth more than that and you’ve got this

BoredOnMatLeave · 25/01/2018 13:09

I just wanted to add: I'd love to be a fly on the wall when he tells OW your pregnant... I'm sure he would have told her something like you never had sex

mammymammyIRL · 25/01/2018 13:13

Congratulations on your pregnancy
You CAN do this, come to terms with it & how you wish to proceed before telling your ex, if he's likely to kick off have a friend with you when you tell him.

Mothermnd · 25/01/2018 13:17

Congratulations! I'm so happy for you that you've got such good news after such a bad situation. You will be an amazing mum whether that means your on your own or not! I truelly believe that financially you will be absolutely fine.

BiologyMatters · 25/01/2018 13:18

Is doable but you'll have to coparent with this man for 18 years.

juneau · 25/01/2018 13:20

Of course it's doable - many women have done this before you. However, it won't be easy and you will need legal advice about finance, parental responsibility, and access (I'd get this now), to make a financial plan (will you pursue your ex for maintenance?), to take a good look at your employment contract, and to give some serious thought to what kind of childcare you will want.

It sounds like a nanny will probably suit you best, so start researching this. You should also look at the alternatives like nursery and childminder, but if you work long hours in a demanding job you'll probably need the flexibility of someone in your own home.

As for support - will your family help out and be involved - those that are around? IME friends can't be counted on for more than ad hoc help and support - an odd evening of babysitting or a couple of hours while you get your hair done, a coffee or lunch to listen to your troubles - that kind of thing.

MyBrilliantDisguise · 25/01/2018 13:23

So he was sleeping with you both? And having unprotected sex with you just a month before he left?

HollyBollyBooBoo · 25/01/2018 13:23

It's bloody hard work but good childcare will be absolutely critical. An understanding employer would also be handy so you can be a bit flexible with hours/working from home etc. But it is totally do-able (I've done it) and it's the most amazing thing.

What do you think his reaction will be? Clearly he will need to be financially responsible, will he want to be part of the baby's life do you think?

Battenburg1978 · 25/01/2018 13:28

Congratulations! I would think it is doable - my advice would be to look at your financials, and also the type of childcare you will need and how much that costs. Check or childcare options in your area and how they will work with the demands of your job. Also think about how much flexibility your job might be able to offer - weigh everything up. I had 6 months off and it was tough going back but we have adjusted well. My supposedly flexible job in fact did not offer any flexibility in the end and so I had to find a much lower paid role that allowed for nursery pick up - something to bear in mind. Join local Facebook groups for buying/selling baby stuff and try free cycle too - even any friends with kids who might be happy to get rid of that baby clutter!!!

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