DP left me and found out I'm pregnant today

[pregnantandfrightened]

DP left me last week for another woman which was completely out of the blue and today I found out I'm pregnant and think I am around 6 weeks. We were trying for a baby so a huge part of me is elated but an even bigger of me is so scared. I don't want him back for the sake of a baby and am deciding I want to proceed with the pregnancy.

Does anyone have experience single parenting a newborn? What can I expect? Also the financials. I have a pretty good job so money shouldn't be too much of an issue but my job is very demanding and I'm wondering how I'd work it with a 6 month old baby (I anticipate taking 6 months off). I don't have very much family around me so would need a LOT of childcare to cope with my work demands.

Is this doable?

Congratulations

It is totally do-able, When you see your doctor/Health Visitor tell them your situation.

From experience there is a lot of help out there. Like another poster suggested start looking for free/reasonably priced baby purchases now.

I have become a single parent twice. First time was when my 3 elder kids’ dad died suddenly, and 2nd time was with an asshole who did these kind of things; cheating, lying etc but was also emotionally abusive. I managed to coparent with him for a while til he buggered off impregnated another woman and stop bothering with DS.

In my experience its so much less emotionally draining not having him around, and the child is much more content without conflict around. So if he kicks off or tries to fuck off then remember this, itll get you through.
Im not going to lie its not easy at times but dont do what i did at first which is bend over backwards for the bastard. Theyre often not worth it and its mentally taxing.

Coparenting needs you both to meet each other halfway but definately put boundaries in place. Ie; when n where to have contact and the latest he can call, paying towards expenses etc. My ex didnt like this but child support gave him no choice.

Theres plenty of resources out there, benefits, childrens centres with baby classes, local childcare, homestart, gingerbread and of course family. Most important of all, take good care of yourself and do things that make YOU feel good. Being a single parent doesnt mean you cant go to work/ do that course, exercise, see friends, go clothes shopping... it just means you adapt around your baby.

My opinion is that me and ds are happier and better off in all kinds of ways, without giving me sleepless nights worrying about trying to make an undeserving man satisfied.

If you decide to coparent, and you struggle to reach amicable agreements, you can get mediation to come up with something.

Im sorry youre going through this, men can be utter bastards at times

I did it. My exH left when my youngest was 5 weeks old and had been largely absent during the pregnancy (busy having a cliched office affair!). I also had a 2 year old and c-section.

Yes it was hard, but I coped. He has no idea what he has missed out on. It's his shame not yours.

Congratulations on your pregnancy

You can do this

I just wanted to add: I'd love to be a fly on the wall when he tells OW your pregnant... I'm sure he would have told her something like you never had sex

Me too

This reminds me of when my ex told me, he and his ex split up 5 month before we got together and told me they'd never had sex, the spark was gone and they just were living together.
2.5 years later I bumped into his ex (we had split up by then) and it turned out they'd split up 6 days before we met and enjoyed a very active sex life

Wow, I was not expecting this kind of response. Thank you so much all, What lovely people you are.

I guess my main concern is coping, I’m not used to being around young children being an only child but I think I would adapt and get to grips with things fairly quickly.

My job is the most difficult part to juggle with a newborn I think. You hear such horror stories about people not coping as a couple and I jut worry that it’ll be doubly as hard.

I’m not as emotional as I expected with regards to ExDP actually. Think my focus has been turned elsewhere now. I called my local midwife service and have my first appt on 14 Feb and she estimated I was 5 pregnant so it’s really early days. I bought some pregnancy vitamins today too.

I’m just so useless with this stuff, eg had two cups of coffee today and then thought shit what if it’s damaging, probably freaking out about nothing but I really don’t want to lose this baby (have lost 3 previously).

I told ExDP and he seems furious - l don’t understand because he was pushing for a baby more than me. It probably doesn’t suit his new woman more than likely. He’s taken her out for Burns night tonight, she revelled in telling me earlier. It’s pointless getting upset, it won’t last.

My decision to keep the baby is with the vision that I’ll bring it up alone. Just need to figure out what childcare works best. Given his earnings he will need to give me 1k a month so financially I’ll be ok as I earn a decent salary.

Thanks for your advice, I honestly am clueless so any advice greatly received. I probably shouldn’t be but I’m so happy I’m pregnant, with or without my dick head of an ex.

Always doable and sounds like baby is very much wanted. Lots of single mums cope well on there own and you sound like you’re in a good position and know what you want. Congratulations

I so hope this works out for you and you have a successful and healthy pregnancy OP.

You really must prioritise yourself and your own health now, both physical and mental.

My Dad left my Mum when she was pregnant with me, my Mum is my absolute hero nowadays. My Dad and I have a very complicated and difficult relationship.

£1000 a month sounds like a LOT. If he runs his own business I’d be careful that he doesn’t fiddle the books so you end up getting nothing.

'My job is the most difficult part to juggle with a newborn I think. You hear such horror stories about people not coping as a couple and I jut worry that it’ll be doubly as hard. '

I don't know how to do quotes but my experience has been that couples struggle because they have conflict over different views of how things should be done, one doing more of the work than the other or feeling pushed out - which wouldn't be so much of an issue. It is bloody tiring though (my dd would not take a bottle so I did all night feeds and she was an appalling sleeper for the first 11 months!), but you adapt and get through the tiredness. Treat yourself to a copy of 'what to expect when you're expecting' or similar and enjoy your pregnancy!

I was a few weeks pregnant with my DD when her dad passed away, I went through the pregnancy alone and have done it all on my own since, she is 6 months old now and I won't lie at times I'd love to pass her to someone else so I could have a nice bath or eat a hot dinner or just get 5 minutes but it gets easier and I wouldn't change her at all, I'm sorry you are going through this OP but whatever decision you make, make it for you

well done .... take care of yourself and your baby

I’m six weeks ahead of you, except it was my husband who left me and I’d already gone back to my home country (Canada) when I had to break the news to him. It’s been eight weeks and haven’t heard a single word from him so I’ll be a single mum thousands of miles from the baby’s father.

You can totally do it. I haven’t doubted for a moment that I can do this on my own. The people who say they couldn’t do it without their partners are over exaggerating. You’ve got plenty of time to work out the details - I’m slowly buying everything second hand so the costs don’t creep up on me and I figure once the baby’s here that’s all that matters. Is there someone nearby like family that could give you a break sometimes? I know many women on here who complain that their husbands do nothing with the baby or the housework so they’re stuck with basically a baby and a man child while we just get the baby. I think it’s worth it in the long run. Good luck!

Definitely doable! You sound in a decent position compared to many others facing it alone, although obviously it’s not easy. My friend’s husband left her for another woman when baby was 12 weeks old - my friend has coped perfectly and loves every second, despite not having a decent paying job. Ex husband is useless so she really is bringing baby up alone. Speak to friends about it, they know your situation better than we do on here :) Good luck for the future x

Ridiculously look into tax free childcare and the childcare vouchers scheme. The vouchers one is about to close to new registrations and you need to be in the best one for you financially. It may make a big difference, you can start saving for childcare with it now.

I found out I was pregnant after a relationship had ended. I was lucky in that the father stepped up and has regular and frequent contact and pays over the odds on maintenance. That said, I actually think it's easier to look after a small baby on your own as you're not having to look after anyone else. You get to sleep when the baby sleeps, lounge around with the baby, only cook what you want, go out when you want to, go to bed at 6pm if you feel like it etc... Of my friends, I had the most sleep purely because I wasn't doing anything for anyone except me and the baby. Mine is 9 now, we have a lovely relationship, I get on well with her father and his partner and I've personally never felt the need to have another man in my life though that may change (or not). I have a lovely life with lots of friends and much of it wouldn't have happened if I hadn't become pregnant.

I didn't do the baby years on my own but have been a lone parent since mine were 4 and 2. I also have a demanding job.

I have developed a network of single mums who all look out for each other and we help each other out where we can.

It's doable. Of course it is. You have no idea yet how strong you are.

I think youll cope way better than you think, its not as bad as people make out. As for him, those who cheat with you will cheat on you. This will play on her mind knowing hes capable of cheating even when you give him a baby. No trust = no relationship

You know what I actually think you’ll do better without him. Yes financially it’s easier but you don’t have the stress of any differences of opinion over child care. You won’t have the frustration of being tired and exhausted and having to pick up after a man as well as the baby. You won’t have the disappointments when you want to walk in the park or go to the zoo but somebody had to have a late night with their friends so doesn’t get upsnd when they do they are grump and hungover. Going it alone can be hard but peaceful too.

colourful I’m sorry to hear that, that must have been so hard for you. What an inspiration you are.

RTM so sorry to hear that your partner is also an ass. I don’t know how people can be so bloody evil. The worst thing for me is that he pushed so hard for this baby. I suggested I go back on the pill because our relationship had been a little fractious but he insisted it’s what he wanted. I really don’t get it. I’ve stopped searching for answers.

em what a positive story, it really gives me hope that things won’t be a disaster.

Everyone, your advice has been so uplifting, thank you. I hadn’t thought about he fact that I wouldn’t have to look after him: that would certainly be easier. I’ll be able to sleep when I want and won’t be hassled to have deep meaningful communication every 10 minutes.

I’m signing up for 9 months without sex though, aaaargh! Not sure anyone would want to have sex with a pregnant Singleton ha!

@pregnantandfrightened your an inspiration too

Good luck and keep on trucking girl!

Thanks @pottery feeling so much more optimistic today. I went for a run this morning and met up with some girlfriends. Given my circumstances I’ve told close friends as I just need the support. Feeling just ever so excited eeek! X

@pregnantandfrightened good for you! A close friend was in exactly the same situation as you a few years back and I can honestly say she is one of the happiest, independent, settled and empowered women I know.

She did it solo, and she did it in style .

Her ex does see his son and they worked out a 'system' of sorts (he also left her for someone else when she was pregnant and is also very financially solvent) but she has been soo much better off without him in her personal life and home from day dot.

She has also watched her ex leave the other women for, yes, ANOTHER, time and time again too, while she just gets stronger, happier, and more wise basically. All the while watching her beautiful son grow up with her values and moral fiber (they can now actually laugh at 'silly daddy' but we all do frankly )

I'm not trying to diminish the hurt either though, it is an emotional rollercoaster at the best of times being pregnant and feeling the baby growing and not sharing that with the father was hard at times for her. We cried, we were angry, she totally went no contact with him for a few months...but it will work out I promise. If you feel sad you don't have to always be strong.

I'm sure your baby will hopefully end up knowing and loving his dad too you just deserve better from a relationship and this is the first stage of your new journey towards that (there will be fabulous sex again and it'l be even sweeter because it won't be with such a coward who didn't deserve you )

You've got this @pregnantandfrightened the only thing you must change about yourself is your user name for your future pregnancy questions on mumsnet though! i like 'pregnantandfierce' personally

Thanks @pottery I took your advice and name changed!

Yes I think it’ll be difficult at times but I have a wealth of friends and family who would be a great help. I’m looking into childcare at the moment, I just want to make sure I have everything covered.

I’m not sure what arrangement me and he ex will come to, he has a tendency to come back. I just need to be strong I think as I honestly think he’ll do me and the baby more harm than good. With that said, I would never use the baby against him and stop him from seeing him/her.

I keep looking at my tests and smiling. I’m not expediting nausea at the moment. Hope that isn’t a bad sign.

Instead of crying my eyes out in bed I’m going to embrace the joy of being pregnant and I’m going to try and not give my ex a second thought.

Tonight I spoke with a wealth of his ex girlfriends and they confirmed everything I already knew.

Onwards and upwards. Probably a bit premature but I’m looking at baby names, I like Ruby and Larissa for a girl and Harrison for a boy xx

Lovely news for you and fantastic that you are feeling strong and capable.

You mentioned that you envisaged doing this alone. Has your ex indicated that he doesn't want contact? Also how did you calculate the £1000 maintenance payment?

He changing his mind daily so I have decided to take control. I can’t and won’t deal with the stress of it all.

He earns around £140k per year so I think the calculation is pretty accurate. I don’t need his money though, I earn 6 figures, just need to save up for maternity leave.