Don't want to be pregnant (triggering)

[Evadne]

I know I come across as ungrateful, and I realise I might not get any support on this board full of women who are happy to be pregnant, but I really don't know where to turn for help.

I never wanted to be a mother, but I got married and a combination of pressure from my husband and my mother convinced me to get pregnant. During arguments my husband accused me of marrying him under false pretences because he thought I'd want a baby like every other woman does. He threatened to divorce me and throw me out of the house if I continued to insist I didn't want children. My mother was just desperate for a grandchild. I didn't want to lose my husband; I thought I could cope with having a baby and it would be preferable to being divorced and homeless.

I've suffered severe pain and insomnia throughout virtually the entire pregnancy and it's been miserable. My employer made an excuse to sack me as soon as I told them I was pregnant. So I have no maternity pay and no job to go back to, and I'm completely reliant on my husband's salary. The baby is due in a week and my body is already ruined with stretchmarks. I'm afraid it'll be ruined further by actually giving birth. I'm huge and can barely walk, I feel like I'm disabled and I resent the loss of my health and fitness. I'm afraid of the inevitable pain and horror of childbirth which is looming in the near future, especially because I don't know how bad it'll be or how well I'll recover.

I'm also afraid of how I'm going to cope after giving birth. Even when this awful pregnancy is finally over I won't get my life back, because I'll have a dependent child and will have lost my career and my freedom. I'll be reduced to a life of feeding, changing, and having to express in advance if I want so much as a glass of wine. I'm horrified by friends who've had babies and become fat and mumsy, and who keep telling me I'll also become fat and mumsy because "you never get your body back". It feels like they're rejoicing in my downfall. Every time I see their horrible noisy sticky children my stomach sinks because I hate children and don't want to deal with that every day. My husband completely fails to appreciate how terrified I feel, because his body hasn't changed and after a couple of weeks he'll be back at work all day and his life will be mostly the same.

I feel immense guilt because I don't feel any love for this baby, I just see it as a burden that will restrict my freedom. I have a couple of friends who are desperately trying to get pregnant and I know they'd give anything to be in my shoes. Other friends keep telling me how broody they'll be when they see my baby, and I know there are lots of women who can't conceive and I feel ungrateful, like there must be something wrong with me because every other woman in the world would be thrilled to have my baby. I have a husband and a lovely home and a baby on the way, and I feel guilty for being unhappy with a life that must look perfect to everyone else.

I literally can't stop crying. I just want this baby out and I want someone to take it away from me so my life can go back to normal. I've tried to talk to my husband about how I feel but his only response is anger because "none of his friends wives have behaved like this" and he "just wants a normal wife and a normal life". He just continued to look at the tv while I was talking and then he went to sleep and started to snore in the middle of me trying to tell him how distressed I am. I feel unloved and unsupported and lost, and I can't see any future worth living for. I've seriously thought about giving birth and then just slitting my wrists so I don't have to be a mother.

You really need to speak to someone urgently about this. Have you got a midwife you can call up ASAP? What you’re feeling is entirely normal but I really think you need some help and someone to talk to who will listen with an unbiased ear.
Please please call your midwife or GP

massive handhold.
You are at the most hideous point of life pregnancy. Everything is completely overwhelming, you sound like you've had a really tough time throughout as well.
If it's any consolation, chances are you will feel different once your child arrives. It's such a cliche but true. I hated kids until I had mine
Another, more important thing to bear in mind is that the way you are feeling now may be a high risk for post natal depression. There is absolutely no shame attached to this, it's a real, treatable condition. Awareness is the key.
I actually suffered with pre natal depression with my first. This could be something to discuss with your healthcare providers
I felt so lost, but my GP was amazing. Do you feel able to make an appointment with yours?

I'm sorry - my phone decided to not display your full post. Having read your final paragraph, I would certainly contact your GP first thing tomorrow.
Do you feel like you can sleep now?
Don't give any brain time to DH at the moment - he sounds like he's hopeless at supporting you through this, concentrate on you. You are priority x

Also, it’s no wonder you are feeling like this with the loss of your job and your husband being unsupportive. You ARE a normal wife!

1. Is your husband really so lovely if he dismisses your feelings and thoughts in this way? From what you’ve posted, it sounds like he sees you as a person who can make his child, as though that’s what you’re for. He doesn’t sound like he sees you as a person.

1. I wanted and love my children very much, but it’s also been my experience that they are a burden, they do change your life, you can never go back to how it used to be. The guff about being mumsy and fat is nonsense (it’s within your gift to have your body the way you want it, no need to feel so powerless). But giving birth is the very definition of a step taken that can never be in taken. It’s too late.

1. The main thing, however, is that both your DH and your DC will also have to suffer the consequences of your actions. I firmly believe that a bad mother/father is worse than no mother/father. If you choose to leave the baby (who will grow into a child and an adult), it should be in a way that is kindest to this human. This may not be the kindest way for you.

1. Having said all that, give yourself a chance. Take some time to recover from the pregnancy, childbirth and the baby stage. Nothing bad will happen to the baby, assuming you care for it, tend to it, and at least fake love. I always tell new parents to say nothing irrevocable to your partner or take any irrevocable action for the first 18 months.

Don’t berate or hate yourself. You shouldn’t have allowed this to happen to you, but it’s difficult to buck the pressure sometimes. Time to knuckle down now and do best by the baby. Don’t let the child reap what you’ve sown - be a parent.

I just feel overwhelmed. I liked my life as it was and had no desire to change anything, but I love my husband and we made the decision to have a baby because it was important to him, and I thought it would be ok and I'd be able to cope. But I've had such an awful time during pregnancy, I've lost my job and spent months feeling incapacitated and in pain, and my body has been wrecked beyond my worst expectations. And now I'm afraid that I can't cope with a baby after all, and everyone keeps telling me my life is over, and I feel abnormal for being unhappy because everyone else seems thrilled and would love to have my baby. Nobody seems to care about how frightened and lost I feel, not even my husband, who just wants me to shut up and "be normal". I didn't expect him to be so uncaring and unsupportive, and it makes me feel like my feelings aren't valid and I'm just being selfish.

The most upsetting part is that female friends/relatives seem to take great joy in the fact that I've gone from being slim and attractive to being fat and in pain, and they gleefully tell me that this is my life now and my body is ruined just like theirs, so I have to wear frumpy clothes like they do, and be a Mum who's constantly covered in crumbs and wiping up snot instead of having a job and enjoying nights out. I feel sick at the thought and just want to give the baby away and go back to my old life.

Oh OP, you're having a really rough time

Other posters have given some cracking advice - I just want to make one more point.

Those people who keep telling you your life is over and you'll never be the same are dick heads.

Firstly, they don't have a crystal ball. They don't know any more than you do how this baby is going to change your life. They don't know if you'll be "fat" forever or have difficult baby or anything else.

These people are the same ones who love scaring other women with their scary birth anecdotes or helpful comments like "ooh get your sleep now, you won't be able to when baby comes!"

It's all bullshit and it won't stop when DC gets here. Got a good sleeper? Just wait until you try and move them into their own room. Got a smiley baby who doesn't cry much? Wait until they start teething! Oh do fuck off!

I'm a new mum myself and I really hate people who do this- it shows a really malevolent side to someone when they try and scare a vulnerable new mother.

You can prove them wrong. They don't HAVE to be right.

Oh love. You are overwhelmed. Slow down, one step at a time.

1. You love your DH and wanted to do this for him, you thought it’d be okay and you’d be able to cope. Pregnancy can be really, really hard. In my case the second one changed my health irrevocably for the worse. But it ends. The last two/three weeks are interminable, and you can feel at your absolute worst, even if you don’t have all these worries and anxieties. It ends, though. Once the baby is out and no longer leeching off you like a parasite, you regain physical autonomy and it feels soooo good. Ok, you have the kid to look after (in your shoes I’d give up any notions of breastfeeding if you ever had them), but at least you don’t have the child inside your very being. Don’t prejudge how your body will be post-partum, or indeed for the weeks and months after birth. Things will get better, promise. And it’s all up to you. There’s no inevitability. Watch what you eat, exercise, go back to your old routine. Consider surgery if you want it. It’s all for you to decide.

1. Loss of job: put that to one side for now. Get through the next few months, and take your decision to go get another job and put the baby in nursery when you’ve found your feet. Give yourself at least 6 months (at the earliest). It’s not over. You can and should work and have a career again if this is what you need to be yourself. There’s no sin or harm in it. Heck, your DH wanted the baby so badly, he can stay home with the kid while you go out to work if you don’t want childcare.

1. You will cope. FFS, why wouldn’t you? It really sounds as though you’re surrounded by a bevy of jealous, unsatisfied, bored and misersble women. You should distance yourself from them, they sound like Dementors, sucking the joy and soul out of your life.

I think there’s a touch of you going stir crazy and it all getting on top of you. Are you getting out and about, fresh air, change of scenery from time to time (nothing major given how far gone you are)? Try to look after yourself, give yourself a chance.

Regarding the lack of maternity pay, have you looked into whether you would get Maternity Allowance instead? Also child benefit should be going into your bank account which isn't much but is something.

Also, you can have a glass of wine and continue to breastfeed, no need to express in advance.

Your husband is being a total dick, it's extremely unreasonable of him to behave like this. Please speak to your midwife and explain how you're feeling as you've done here. They should be able to help you, and hopefully refer you for counselling or further help.

You can do things your way you know? It's not inevitable that you will be like your "mumsy" fat friends. You can lose weight, focus on your appearance etc if you want to. No reason why having a baby would mean you can't. You can look for work and go back to your career, nurseries will take babies from as young as 3 months. Don't make yourself do things you don't want to do because you think you should.

I thought I'd have an easy pregnancy because I'm young and healthy, have a few months off, lose weight, go back to my career and arrange childcare. Instead I've been sacked with virtually no chance of getting another job in my field (which are few and far between). I've had a difficult painful pregnancy that (especially in the later weeks) has made me feel disabled. I'm not entitled to any maternity allowance or even child benefit because my husband earns too much. His salary goes into his bank account in his name only, and he's given me a credit card on his account - I'm uncomfortably aware that he can see every penny I spend. Since I lost my job he's frequently complained that I need to do more around the house because I no longer contribute in any other way. I feel like a maid instead of a smart professional woman. And I feel guilty spending his money when I'm not contributing, so I buy nothing for myself any more and I've lost my independence.

I have very little chance of getting another highly paid job in my field and I don't want to work in a call centre or something - no disrespect but that isn't my idea of going back to my career. It isn't about just earning money and not being a stay at home mother - I am (was) an ambitious and highly qualified professional. My husband is happy to support me financially and doesn't understand why I don't want to be a housewife/mother, or why I wouldn't be happy with just getting a "little job" e.g. in a shop to "get me out of the house a bit". He said I'm being selfish and I need to accept that my life isn't all about ME any more... my career success, my fitness and attractiveness and nice clothes, my free time and ability to go out and enjoy myself. The way I feel is my fault because I'm selfish.

I was adamant that I'd continue to be a fit, attractive and successful career woman as well as a mother, but the life I didn't want (mumsy body and no career) has been thrust upon me because of things I have no control over like pregnancy changes in my body and being sacked. Other women are taking great pleasure in saying "I told you so" and rejoicing in the fact that I'm now in the same boat as them. Not in a "solidarity" way - more in a jealous "how the mighty have fallen" sort of way.

I feel abnormal because every other woman seems to love babies and accept their post-baby body, and be satisfied with a little part-time job and being a mum. My husband (and everyone else) is ignoring my distress because they find it unreasonable that I'm not happy with what they class as a "normal" life. I just keep being told to "get over myself" and asked what's so special about me that I think I should have any different to what everyone else has. My husband actually went to sleep while I was trying to tell him that I'm having a mental breakdown. I feel like nobody cares and I'm just expected to shut up and accept the situation. I refuse to live this sort of life so I keep thinking if there's no way out I could just kill myself

Please speak to your midwife or gp today, this feeling won’t go away by itself you need to have an outlet, support and someone to talk to about all of this and I’m afraid to say your selfish friends and family including DH will be absolutely no help to you.

Rash decisions shouldn’t be made in this few weeks of heightened hormones and emotions, it is normal to feel petrified of delivery and becoming a parent, and mood swings are not uncommon just before going into labour, but obviously you have genuinely not wanted to be a parent for a long time so this is what does need addressing really as well as if your mental health is rapidly decreasing and you feel suicidle.

Please don’t do anything rash, phone your surgery now or your comm midwife if you have her number

Sorry but your DH sounds like an absolute dick.

OP First STOP listening to others negative comments.
STOP looking to your rather selfish DH for understanding.
FIND like minded mothers and speak to them.

This is what l wish someone had told me when l really hated being pregnant and had some of the same worries as you:

Take a calm look at all the most successful women you admire in the public eye, and if possible in jobs such as you previous one.....do some have children ? YES of course they do.

Are they all fat and frumpy...NO

Do they all wear terrible clothes, have bad hair and are generally a mess...NO

Do they generally seem to love their children and life in general..YES

Most women have children, many have good careers, are still gorgeous, have a social life, time out with friends, great hair, and remain fiercely ambitious.

PREGNANCY CAN BE VILE, BUT DOESN'T LAST FOR EVER.

HOW YOU LOOK AFTER IS DOWN TO YOUR OWN DISCIPLINE.

YOU WILL PROBABLY FIND YOU UNEXPECTEDLY LOVE YOUR BABY MORE THAN ANYTHING, AND HE/SHE GIVES YOU JOY YOU CAN'T IMAGINE NOW.

DO MOTHERHOOD YOUR WAY.

Read the above several times a day!

Stop feeling resentful, you have gone down this road and now need to start looking forward.
You cannot solve all these issues at once. So for now forget thinking about work that can wait. Just remember you can get back there.

Without trying to elicit support from selfish DH, (waste of time) try and find positive people you can talk to, anyone else avoid.

Do a relaxation CD at bedtime or when you feel really overwhelmed.

Focus on getting prepared for the birth and coming home after the birth as this will happen soon. Get help in place, solicit favours from friends/ family to help you, get food prepared, treats for you whatever that may consist of.

Try to change your mindset from fretting over the things in the past you are unhappy with to how you are going to cope with this new chapter YOUR way. Focus on this for now.

Lastly Prenatal depression is common and can make it impossible to see the positive in anything, you may have this but if so it will lift as soon as the baby is born and you may feel much more yourself.

I felt very much like you re loss of independance/ freedom etc and panicked through my first pregnancy feeling dreadful, but l can truly say my 2 DCs have made me happier than l could have ever envisaged.

I have still worked at times and have attained the same weight as before DCs.I still love fashion, days out without Dcs, nights out too, it is all doable.

I don't expect you can feel better so heavily pregnant right now, but you are nearly there and trust us who have been there, it gets so very much better.

I could have coped with a baby if everything had gone as I expected - a healthy pregnancy followed by bouncing back and returning to work. But my body and career and independence have been taken from me, and other people seem to think I have no right to be upset about losing them because that's normal. In fact I'm selfish if I don't accept that I have to give those things up. I'm repeatedly being told how awful my new life will be, and I feel like a failure and just want to go back to my old life.

I'd feel better if I thought I COULD get back to normal. But I'm painfully aware that I don't have a hope in hell of ever getting another job in my field. And how I look afterwards is out of my control, my body is already ruined with stretchmarks and regaining my skin is impossible.

I agree with others about speaking to your midwife or GP.
However, there are a few things I'd like to say which echo what others have said:
I've got three DCs, and still have a career. I work part-time but have been promoted since having my last DD.
Admittedly, I am overweight (but I attribute that not to being a parent but cancer treatment!).
My friends and I are like minded, we go out often and share stories of the shite parts of parenting as well as the glorious bits.
The key is having a partner who is truly a partner. I appreciate that it may be difficult for you to go back to your old career but that doesn't mean you have to get a meaningless job.
There is a world of difference to a "high powered" career and a few hours in a shop - if that's your two extremes. I do neither, but I am in a professional career.
You do need the support from your husband though. Good luck.

Please ask to be referred quickly to the mental health midwife. You need help to sort through all this. I'm so sorry you feel like this but with the right help things should improve. I don't want to say 'Oh once you hold your baby etc' because it may not happen that way. But you don't want to resent the baby because of how your body feels or has been effected. Pregnancy is meant to be enjoyable even if it is crap but your not enjoying any of it. Please get some professional support.

I made the same decision as you, I didn't have the same pressure that you endured from your dh and your dm (whom should have known better) but you are where you are now....so deep breath.

I was not broody and just wanted dogs and to travel. I had a baby and an awful pregnancy too, I had meningitis and was really ill for months, so it was grim.

Firstly I was totally uncertain about it all until my baby arrived. I could not believe the following months how much I loved her. I never thought it was even possible. I thought I would feel trapped and stressed, but I jus took her everywhere with me. She became part of my life and not the other way around. I wasn't just cleaning up sick and snot, far from it, we planned adventures and we saw other fun parents that were like us. I didn't become mumsy or frumpy. Think of the amazing sportswomen jogging with their babies that could be you....think about what kind of parent you do want to be, and not just one that you don't.

Your body will bounce back, it may looked wrecked but it isn't you WILL bounce back I promise you.

You will find another job in time, start looking in a few months and you never know there might be an even better one on the horizon. Consider legal action against your last employer, it is 2017 and you can't be sacked for being pregnant anymore.

You can go back to your old life, or you can redesign a new one. But you need to wait and see how you feel about the baby, your life and for everything to settle down. You can get childcare lined up for breaks and help. Give it a chance, and give it the best shot you possibly can.

You absolutely need to contact your midwife now and tell her everything so you have the support you need. More than anything else you need everyone to be there for you.

OP you have no idea how much you body can regaine you old shape, and some stretchmarks fade to almost nothing, others can be treated.

You could have been made reduntant without being pregnant, for other reasons, things happen that are not always in our control.

Just like there are different jobs, there are many ways to live and be happy.

Your mindset is rather rigid l am afraid which is causing you a lot of stress.....your life could be even better than it was pre pregnancy if you find like so many have that actually you feel a wonderful love for your child, and you find another route to a wonderful career.

I understand that it is difficult to imagine, feeling as bad as you do now, but there is life after this stage and it can be very good.

I second everything ROCKETGIRL said

My mother has just dropped by and told me I'm abnormal for crying about not wanting my baby because EVERYONE wants a baby, and they go to huge effort with IVF and adoption to get one, and I'm not special so why should I be different to everyone else? Apparently I should be glad to sacrifice my body and career to have a baby, and I'm being ridiculous by saying I don't want to. Clearly I'm not entitled to my feelings, I'm just wrong and selfish like my husband said.

What would be the barrier to returning to your career? Childcare can be outsourced. Babies can be formula fed. Fathers can take shared parental leave. None of these things will mean you love your baby any less, or are a bad mother.

If it's any consolation (and I know I am in a different position in some ways) I had my child at 21. I didn't have much of a career, I was working in admin (a "little job" really). I went back to work when DS was 3 months old and he had a child minder and went to nursery. My career has developed since being a mother, and now I have a very responsible and professional job in the public sector which pays very well and which I initially got into because I am a mother and education policy suddenly became more relevant to me. So far from being the cause of my life becoming smaller as a mum, it has developed beyond my wildest imagination because of my initial interest in education and then building my reputation.

The baby will have two parents. It is no more incumbent on one than the other to make sacrifices, so you need your DH to make changes too so that yours aren't so dramatic. Give yourself time to look for a new job once you are recovered from birth. A life of nappies and vomit covered Bon Marche fleeces is not inevitable or even the experience of lots of women. The advice upthread about looking at successful women in your field and seeing how they have coped as mothers is good. Above all, be kind to yourself. You are not the only one to fear the unknown.

Oh, and you need nicer friends.

I feel abnormal because every other woman seems to love babies and accept their post-baby body, and be satisfied with a little part-time job and being a mum.

Every other women doesn't think this way! Every single pregnant woman struggles with the physical strains of pregnancy. Every woman is afraid of giving birth. Every woman finds it hard to accept their post baby body. Most woman want to return to their careers, and find it difficult if they can't. Every parent struggles at times with parenting, and many struggle all the time (just browse this board for evidence of that one).

Thinking that no one understands you because you alone hate stretch marks whilst every other mother loves them, and also is happy to never work again because they are so happy being mums is just wrong. You aren't alone. We are all in the same boat.

God, your mother sounds awful!

Lack of opportunities is the barrier to returning to my career. I was incredibly lucky to get a job in my field at all considering I live up north where such jobs are non-existent. I can't relocate and another job in the same field is as rare as hens teeth. I can't outsource childcare if I have no job and thus no money. My husband is frequently out 12-14 hours a day so I might as well be the only parent.