Don't want to be pregnant (triggering)

[Evadne]

I know I come across as ungrateful, and I realise I might not get any support on this board full of women who are happy to be pregnant, but I really don't know where to turn for help.

I never wanted to be a mother, but I got married and a combination of pressure from my husband and my mother convinced me to get pregnant. During arguments my husband accused me of marrying him under false pretences because he thought I'd want a baby like every other woman does. He threatened to divorce me and throw me out of the house if I continued to insist I didn't want children. My mother was just desperate for a grandchild. I didn't want to lose my husband; I thought I could cope with having a baby and it would be preferable to being divorced and homeless.

I've suffered severe pain and insomnia throughout virtually the entire pregnancy and it's been miserable. My employer made an excuse to sack me as soon as I told them I was pregnant. So I have no maternity pay and no job to go back to, and I'm completely reliant on my husband's salary. The baby is due in a week and my body is already ruined with stretchmarks. I'm afraid it'll be ruined further by actually giving birth. I'm huge and can barely walk, I feel like I'm disabled and I resent the loss of my health and fitness. I'm afraid of the inevitable pain and horror of childbirth which is looming in the near future, especially because I don't know how bad it'll be or how well I'll recover.

I'm also afraid of how I'm going to cope after giving birth. Even when this awful pregnancy is finally over I won't get my life back, because I'll have a dependent child and will have lost my career and my freedom. I'll be reduced to a life of feeding, changing, and having to express in advance if I want so much as a glass of wine. I'm horrified by friends who've had babies and become fat and mumsy, and who keep telling me I'll also become fat and mumsy because "you never get your body back". It feels like they're rejoicing in my downfall. Every time I see their horrible noisy sticky children my stomach sinks because I hate children and don't want to deal with that every day. My husband completely fails to appreciate how terrified I feel, because his body hasn't changed and after a couple of weeks he'll be back at work all day and his life will be mostly the same.

I feel immense guilt because I don't feel any love for this baby, I just see it as a burden that will restrict my freedom. I have a couple of friends who are desperately trying to get pregnant and I know they'd give anything to be in my shoes. Other friends keep telling me how broody they'll be when they see my baby, and I know there are lots of women who can't conceive and I feel ungrateful, like there must be something wrong with me because every other woman in the world would be thrilled to have my baby. I have a husband and a lovely home and a baby on the way, and I feel guilty for being unhappy with a life that must look perfect to everyone else.

I literally can't stop crying. I just want this baby out and I want someone to take it away from me so my life can go back to normal. I've tried to talk to my husband about how I feel but his only response is anger because "none of his friends wives have behaved like this" and he "just wants a normal wife and a normal life". He just continued to look at the tv while I was talking and then he went to sleep and started to snore in the middle of me trying to tell him how distressed I am. I feel unloved and unsupported and lost, and I can't see any future worth living for. I've seriously thought about giving birth and then just slitting my wrists so I don't have to be a mother.

OP things seem shit but you will love your baby and things will fall into place. I wasn't mumsy and I don't like children i love my own daughter fiercely though .

OP please speak to a proffessional if you are having suicidal thoughts.
That being said, there are many aspects of what you said that could have been written by me. I never really wanted children but I'm now 40 weeks pregnant and sometimes it really scares me how much things will soon change. I had just finished my Masters degree when I fell pregnant and I know that this has delayed any career I may have for a few years. Are you certain your employer fired you because of pregnancy? Because thats illegal and if you wanted you could pursue legal action against them.
Also, the people in your life who are delighting in your 'downfall' as you put it; these people should not be a part of your life. I would seriously consider cutting them out completely. Do you have any close friends at all who aren't like these people? If so, try and talk to them about how you're feeling. Again, I have a similar friend who had children young and is very jealous of people who have careers and slim bodies, and yet does nothing about her own situation. I havent even told this girl I was pregnant as I knes she would act how you describe your friends.
Lastly your husband. I'm sorry, I hate criticising people's partners but in this case he sounds like a very selfish and unsupportive guy. You made the decision to have a baby for him, and he went along with it despite knowing that you weren't keen and is now treating you like this when you try and ask for help. No, I'm sorry but this is awful. Jist get through this pregnancy, get throuh the birth and the first few weeks, and when things have settled a bit I would seriously consider your relationship with this man. He needs to listen to you, he needs to support you, and you need to be firm in how you tell him this. There is nothing 'abnormal' about you and he needs to stop saying things like that. Many people have fears surrou ding pregnancy and parenthood, many people choose not to have kids. For christs sake its 2018.
Sorry for rambling, your situation has really angered me. But please just give yourself a break. Yes, your body will be very different for a while but it is totally within your power to get it back to how your happy with it. You lost your job, but thats done now and you can't change it so focus on having the next few months off then have a serious think about your options without the pregnancy hormones circling round. Cut out the negative people if you can, and remember the best revenge would be for you to be a confident, happy person. And you can totally be that. You just need to accept that it will be in a different way than you had planned

I get what you are saying, but you got your first job so you might get another....or you could retrain, you have the time now.

My husband does similar hours to yours, and yes it can be hard at times, so this is where your dm needs to step in, she wanted a grandchild desperately so should be keen to help. I live so far from mine, but I am hoping yours are closer.

You need to utilise everything around you so that you CAN have a good life with your baby.

You only need to have one baby, there is definitely no need to have more unless you want to. They are only with you until they are 2 or thereabouts and then they go to nursery and then onto school. Your time will be very limited with them in fact, because they grow up incredibly quickly. You can plan a new career whilst they are young, one you can feel excited about, you sound educated and ambitious.

This child does not need to hold you back, it could be that it spurs you onto greater things. I know mine did.

Unless you get some support and a chance to talk openly in RL about your fears, it will be harder to come up with concrete solutions. (i.e. your mother could look after the baby for a few days a week whilst you retrain etc) You need to speak to your midwife, your mum and get some plans in place so that you can feel more confident about your future.

OP .. I am not suprised the way you feel .Reading your pot you seem to have lost control of everything. You are surrounded by unsupportive people.

I do agree with the people seeing professional advice.

I know some mums who are skinny and fashionable, some who are not same as pre pregnancy. Most bodies don't just bounce back unless you have a personal trainer and a nutritionist. it will take a while but entirely possible especially if you were fit prior to pregnancy as it sounds you were.

The job.. I have no idea if they acted illegally or not sacking you as we have no details but I would be looking into unfair dismissal.

It might not the exact field but your career is not over.. it may take a D tour but is it not a dead end.

I also think you need to distance those around you who are not supportive of you. if there is anyone who is spend time with them or forums are good because people are more honest and a more diverse group of children.

I would also say women have far more choices theese days than they did even 20 years ago.

As for giving birth. I only had one and I was only in labour 1 hour and 19 minutes and felt as fresh as a daisy after child birth.. No one can predict how your labour will go but while there will be horror stories most don't talk about the easy births.

Oh and what your mother said about people who want babies and can't; of course that is awful for them. But I cannot stand this as an argument. Everyones lives and ambitions and situations are so different. It's a very shallow argument I think, and isn't going to magically make you feel great about being a mother so it's absolutely pointless. Don't let stuff like that get in your head. You are not responsible for the fertility of anyone else

OP please ring your midwife, tell them that you are having thoughts of suicide after your baby arrives and ask to be referred to the perinatal mental health team for your area. I've been where you are (suicidal/not caring if I lived whilst pregnant) and in this situation you need professional care and support VERY urgently. It will be provided if you ask as pregnant and post-natal women get treated much much more quickly than the rest of the population.

The people who should be supporting you are failing to do so at the moment so you doubly need to get yourself some help. Now. Please.

You will not be judged or told how you feel is wrong. In fact you will receive unconditional support and understanding. Once your baby arrives you will need looking after.

Regardless of the ins and outs of whether you will feel differently in a few months and what the future may hold, you need support NOW from a professional in real life.

I will be thinking of you and I really hope that you get some help soon.

Hi
Sorry to hear you're feeling so bad. I felt the same.
I advise you to advise the midwife so support can be arranged x x x

this is such a shit time, it will all be ok.
You'll find a new career if that's what you want, you'll get your body back if that's what you want, and I'm pretty sure you'll fall head over heels with your baby too, if not immediately it will come.
Anything you want you can have, yes it will be a bit harder, but certainly not impossible.
It sounds like you've had a rubbish pregnancy, I did too but once my son was here it was ok. I could do so many things just because I wasnt pregnant anymore. Even though he wad a difficult baby it was ok because I just wasnt pregnant anymore!

for you

Oh and if it helps at all, I am infertile and conceived with IVF after a very long and difficult journey. You sound completely normal to me and I do not remotely resent any of your feelings and nor would I if I knew you in real life.

Really, please get help.

Every other women doesn't think this way!

Perhaps just every woman I know. My mother has just told me that my cousins all had babies and they all love them and none of them had a problem with giving up work, and neither did my friends or neighbours, or any of my mother's friends' daughters. None of them are complaining about the state of their bodies or the loss of their careers. They're all perfectly happy to spend their days going to baby groups and wiping bottoms. So if it's good enough for them then why isn't it good enough for me? I pointed out that not one of them has a university degree or ever did a job that paid more than minimum wage, but apparently this isn't relevant. I wish I knew even one other woman who felt like me so I know my feelings are valid and I'm not just being ungrateful and expecting too much.

Your mum sounds like she's trying (in a hideously misguided fashion) to 'jolly' you out of things.
Sadly, the way you feel atm - it's just going to make you feel worse
Pregnancy - even when desperately wanted and supported well by your loved ones does bad things to you.
Any negative feelings are heightened by the guilt that you are carrying a healthy child when so many would love the same.

If you have spent long, hard hours building up your career, the terror of losing it, or being left behind can be awful. I get this part especially.
I struggled with the money aspect with first DC- prior, I was very independent financially and to suddenly have comments made on what I needed money that day/time for grated. Would a separate account with DH putting a standing order in each month give you a bit more privacy back for now?

Do you have specific ties to the North? If your field is limited (and your husband is a dick) there is nothing stopping you and your child relocating for work further down the line. 

Is there a different version of your current work that you could consider?
Don't let this 'trapped' feeling overwhelm you. You're having a baby - not every limb removed. Your brain is catastrophising and it is really hard to get back out once that ball starts rolling.
You sound like a very capable person who isn't having her needs met at a vulnerable time. You need to find a way to power through this stretch. Please call your GP for some support.

There will be a silver lining somewhere OP. You have the perfect storm going on right now with a bad pregnancy, loss of job and future plans and unsupportive, blinkered people including your husband.

Seek urgent support please from midwife but also give some thought to household finances as it is moving into financial abuse territory I think. In terms of childcare, when you are ready do find some sort of job to get you going again and you and husband pay half each for the required childcare. It is such a shame that your great job is gone but maybe there will be something else in the future.

Bodywise, you can recover really well. take the midwife's advice about early exercise but then it is all up to you.

I really hope you can bond with your baby as there is nothing like it really. Early years are tough, you will need support and friendship. Try not to blame baby for the way things are going.

Evadne I hated anything baby related. Groups, classes, Mum friends. I found it boring and suffocating. Just not for me.
Motherhood is, to some extent what you make it.
They are so portable when they arrive, that if you want to, you really can take them anywhere you would normally go. This doesn't have to be to baby Zumba it can be to meet real, adult friends, to talk about your field of work, unrelated interests.
Just like real life, Mum life is individual for everyone. No one is better or worse for enjoying different things.

OP I'm so sorry you feel like this and that your family is being so unsupportive. I gave birth last week and I felt similarly to you about the loss of freedom and my body, although I have a job to go back to and very supportive family. I can only imagine how hard it is for you.

I absolutely second everything @rocketgirl22 has said. It is so so true. Before giving birth, I would have been perfectly happy with my dog and my lovely life of travel and going to nice places and I couldn't imagine loving DS so much that I'd want to spend every second with him. But I do. I just felt like that almost straight away and now I can't imagine life without him.

Not all mums want to be SAHMs or change jobs to something completely different to fit in with being a Mum. It sounds like you've worked incredibly hard to get where you are and there is no reason to give that up just because you have a baby. As PPs have said, once baby is here and you're settled please do see a lawyer to discuss your options. Your employer absolutely cannot dismiss you because you are pregnant. If there is a financial settlement, that could give you a buffer for childcare or re-training in something that interests you (with better job prospects in your area) if that's what you fancy.

The last few weeks of pregnancy were really awful for me too and I couldn't wait for it to be over. Its weird but I can barely remember how awful it was now. It's like the birth wiped my memory.

I don't know what to suggest re your husband and your mother (and other family members who seem so gleeful about your weight gain - truly horrible). Their attitudes towards the way you are feeling are appalling. Please do speak to someone in real life as suggested by PPs, you should be getting as much support as possible.

I'm so sorry you are feeling this way, you have so much to deal with. I do agree with what others have said about being at increased risk for pnd. You might need some extra help/support to deal with your feelings, so please tell your midwife how you are feeling.

You do sound like you're having a similar melt down I had a week before I had my first baby. My parent's and husband still laugh about me "going psycho" now, it was anything but funny at the time, I just felt completely overwhelmed with everything, giving birth, how everything was about to change and how no one seemed to be sympathetic towards how I was feeling. I just felt like I couldn't cope, but I did with help and support. I think my family didn't realise how difficult I was finding things and so tried to make light of the situation.

You are at the most difficult point even without the other stresses going on. Your friends and family need to stop saying those horrible things, your life isn't over and doomed to be frumpy. There's nothing wrong with embracing the mum bod but if it isn't what you want you can do things to help yourself get back into shape. You can still be young and attractive after you've had a baby.

You don't need to like other people's kids, I love my own dearly, but I (secretly) can't stand kids, play centres make me shudder!!

It sounds like you've had a terrible time with work. If they dismissed you shortly after announcing you were pregnant it could be worth seeking legal advice. I realise it might feel like your career is over, it might not be. You may have to take a side step to get back to where you were or move into a slightly different area, but I'm sure you can get back to the professional career woman you were.

Your husband needs to be more understanding and supportive. In my opinion this "your money" "my money" thing doesn't work when you have children. Just have a joint account in both your names and equal access. You are equal partners. As for him telling you aren't contributing, you are carrying his child, you aren't his maid.

I hope you can get some help and support, please be kind to yourself, it really is a difficult point to be at whether you completely embrace being pregnant or not. Good luck op .

My mother is 75 and struggles to even walk up the stairs unaided. Perhaps part of the reason she was so desperate to have a grandchild before it's too late. There's no way she can help with childcare. Husband is out at work till 8-10pm. Of course he'll help at weekends and my mother will pop in on weekdays but I'm basically on my own with this baby. My only hope of having any life was to go back to work and pay for childcare, which obviously won't happen now. But apparently I'm unreasonable to be afraid of being the sole carer and giving up everything else.

I've already looked into unfair dismissal but apparently they're entitled to tell me the funding for my project has been cut and they won't be renewing it, even though it's been renewed every year for the past seven years. Of course it has nothing to do with me being pregnant, despite the fact they found out I was pregnant at 9am and conveniently received word about my funding being cut just a few hours later...

I really do think you need to speak to your midwife/gp about how you are feeling.

It is perfectly normal to be scared about childbirth and how you are going to cope with a baby but you will cope. I was terrified before I had my dd and she was a very much planned and wanted baby by me. You don't have to give up work, you can retrain, get any job you want, there are lots of childcare options out there. Motherhood doesn't have to mean a loss of career.
In regards to your body, you can get your body back. I was slim before I had my dd and was huge when pregnant but I was back in my clothes in a couple of months and my stretch marks are just small silver lines now.
Remember you choose how to be a mum it's not up to everybody else. You want to work then work. You don't want to do baby classes don't do them.
Lastly if your dh wanted the baby so badly then surely he can take time off work to look after it so you can find a new job

It sounds to me ,you were perfectly happy with your life,but your husband pushed you in to giving him a child...to threaten to leave you if you didn't is awful...actually no he threatened to kick you out and make you homeless ,if I remember correctly.thats not a kind person...so you've a week,then baby..so you may love the child..hormones are funny things..you may fall utterly in love with this scrap of human you have grown inside you ,and protected for 9 months..you may suprise yourself X perhaps things will look up after baby is here.perhaps you will relalise your husband was a bully .hes not showing you any love or care at the moment.forcus on getting throu the next week or so,and see how you feel x

Also I've had 4 babies,their needs are simple at first,food ,warmth ,love and a clean nappy ...you can do this ...and you can get your figure back ,ignore the negative people....take life one day at a time..tell yourself each day ...I can do this ...we all have things we are dealing with ,and things that are sent to try us ,honestly take it one day at a time x

Perhaps just every woman I know. My mother has just told me that my cousins all had babies and they all love them and none of them had a problem with giving up work, and neither did my friends or neighbours, or any of my mother's friends' daughters

This isn't all the women you know, that's just what your mum said. I bet if you actually talked to these cousins, neighbours or mothers friends daughters, they would tell you different. If you are in touch with your cousins, maybe you should reach out to them. I bet they have all had a variety of struggles they would like to share, and would listen to yours.

As for whether every women loves giving up work and being home with baby, just search on here for any thread where someone is considering being a SAHM. 4/5 posts are always "Don't do it - I didn't" or "I did and hated it".

My OH works away 6 days a week and I manage two children (21 week pregnant with third) and a full time job from home. I also don’t particularly like kids in general but my own are fricking awesome little people and I’m blinded by their awesomeness. Because they’re mine. I made these ones.

You’re pregnant and your hormones are firing everywhere and somewhere along the line your brain has seen fit to lie to you about what’s possible and what isn’t. It’s totally possible and you don’t have to be “Mumsy” to be a good mother. And yes people do get their bodies back, but I haven’t and I’m not as mortified as you are at the prospect of it - there is more to life than a flat stomach, maybe my kids opened my eyes to that.
If you don’t want the child then adoption is an idea, as is giving over custody to your husband and going about your career as you want... but I advise you give it a go, because you’ll likely be very surprised how you feel when hormones flood your brain telling you how much you love this small bundle of human all of a sudden.

Also your OH is a twat, as is your mother, but I suppose you already knew that. I’d just get on with it inside your own bubble, or don’t. Or tell your husband you aren’t living in the 50s and if he wants a child then he either sticks them in nursery so you can work or he gives up work.

Either way, you got pregnant and can’t blame other people for it, unless you were raped of course but that changes everything

I can’t believe some of the things that have been said to you, OP. That is NOT normal at all! Have you read any of the responses you’ve gotten so far? In the kindest way possible, you seem to be perseverating in the same few thoughts and not engaging with any of the responses. As PPs have said, there are many, MANY women (me included) who get both their career AND their body back, and love being mums. It’s not easy, but it sounds like you are capable and motivated so you will be fine. Consider the possibility that you may not be seeing everything 100% clearly right now.

Also, nobody else has said it (I don’t think) but if you really, really hate motherhood, after giving it a fair shot and having counseling and MH treatment, the truth is nothing is irrevocable. Your baby deserves a loving home and if you ultimately can’t provide that, there are ways to make sure s/he gets it anyway. I have a feeling it’s not going to end that way but perhaps knowing there are options will make it easier on you in these next weeks.

Also as PP said, a LOT of people don’t like being a SAHM, but it doesn’t mean they’re miserable - it just means they meet other mums who also don’t like it and manage to see the funny side and plod on until they can work again, or just plod on solo and laugh at how ridiculous everything is. You’ll be fine, honestly, your hormones are just playing sillybuggers

Btw when I said I can’t believe some of the things that have been said to you, I meant by your DH and the women in your life, not the PPs!