Don't want to be pregnant (triggering)

[Evadne]

I know I come across as ungrateful, and I realise I might not get any support on this board full of women who are happy to be pregnant, but I really don't know where to turn for help.

I never wanted to be a mother, but I got married and a combination of pressure from my husband and my mother convinced me to get pregnant. During arguments my husband accused me of marrying him under false pretences because he thought I'd want a baby like every other woman does. He threatened to divorce me and throw me out of the house if I continued to insist I didn't want children. My mother was just desperate for a grandchild. I didn't want to lose my husband; I thought I could cope with having a baby and it would be preferable to being divorced and homeless.

I've suffered severe pain and insomnia throughout virtually the entire pregnancy and it's been miserable. My employer made an excuse to sack me as soon as I told them I was pregnant. So I have no maternity pay and no job to go back to, and I'm completely reliant on my husband's salary. The baby is due in a week and my body is already ruined with stretchmarks. I'm afraid it'll be ruined further by actually giving birth. I'm huge and can barely walk, I feel like I'm disabled and I resent the loss of my health and fitness. I'm afraid of the inevitable pain and horror of childbirth which is looming in the near future, especially because I don't know how bad it'll be or how well I'll recover.

I'm also afraid of how I'm going to cope after giving birth. Even when this awful pregnancy is finally over I won't get my life back, because I'll have a dependent child and will have lost my career and my freedom. I'll be reduced to a life of feeding, changing, and having to express in advance if I want so much as a glass of wine. I'm horrified by friends who've had babies and become fat and mumsy, and who keep telling me I'll also become fat and mumsy because "you never get your body back". It feels like they're rejoicing in my downfall. Every time I see their horrible noisy sticky children my stomach sinks because I hate children and don't want to deal with that every day. My husband completely fails to appreciate how terrified I feel, because his body hasn't changed and after a couple of weeks he'll be back at work all day and his life will be mostly the same.

I feel immense guilt because I don't feel any love for this baby, I just see it as a burden that will restrict my freedom. I have a couple of friends who are desperately trying to get pregnant and I know they'd give anything to be in my shoes. Other friends keep telling me how broody they'll be when they see my baby, and I know there are lots of women who can't conceive and I feel ungrateful, like there must be something wrong with me because every other woman in the world would be thrilled to have my baby. I have a husband and a lovely home and a baby on the way, and I feel guilty for being unhappy with a life that must look perfect to everyone else.

I literally can't stop crying. I just want this baby out and I want someone to take it away from me so my life can go back to normal. I've tried to talk to my husband about how I feel but his only response is anger because "none of his friends wives have behaved like this" and he "just wants a normal wife and a normal life". He just continued to look at the tv while I was talking and then he went to sleep and started to snore in the middle of me trying to tell him how distressed I am. I feel unloved and unsupported and lost, and I can't see any future worth living for. I've seriously thought about giving birth and then just slitting my wrists so I don't have to be a mother.

Eva

You sound like you are feeling under so much strain and pressure, so maybe you need to remind yourself that two people made this child and two people have to care for this child. Not just you.

Some money will HAVE to be found from somewhere to assist you with childcare so that you don't feel trapped or under supported, or your dh needs to apply for extended paternity leave to get you through this. Maybe your mother could help with this for instance, or something could be sold to facilitate some help, but this needs to be your safety net. Your plan B in case you do find it hard. There is also a voluntary system that would be a huge help to you, and some one lovely will come and help you, it is called homestart. Please google it and see if you can line something up with them. It is completely free.

This is as much Dh problem as it is yours. And he needs to be supporting you all the way.

It is not all down to you. Yes maybe you should have held your ground and called it a day with your marriage when your dh started issuing ultimatums but you made the decision, and it now it really is about making the best of it. With the help of your midwife, GP, Homestart and your mother whom despite being old is still perfectly capable of sitting down and rocking the baby whilst you have a bath/work out/have a sleep.

You can be the together, ambitious and wonderful woman and still be a mother. The world is full of women that did not want children and they go on to be amazing mothers.

I'm not surprised you are feeling this way, you were coerced into pregnancy by a husband who sounds frankly abusive. I had severe ante natal depression in my last pregnancy mainly due to HG and felt similar to you despite being well supported, it is no wonder you are struggling when those around you who are supposed to care for you are being actively cruel. Please speak to your MW and maybe when you are strong enough Women's Aid too.

Does your husband realise that if you crumble under all of the pressure, he will have to be the one to take time off work and look after the baby? I cannot get over how unsupportive he is being. Unforgivable in my view.

You also say that he's happy for you to stay at home, yet he is not willing to share his salary. That could constitute financial abuse.

Please speak to your midwife. You have options here to help you.

I wish I knew even one other woman who felt like me so I know my feelings are valid and I'm not just being ungrateful and expecting too much.

I HEAR you! And I agree. Your feelings are valid. Having my DC was the biggest career spur ever (and I say that as an already ambitious and well qualified person).

I work short contracts and I remember telling a friend I'd do whatever it took to get away from the hell world of stay at home parenting! For other people, SAHP is bliss. It's okay to be different.

I'm so sorry your family are not supporting you in this. Mine have been similar but to a lesser extent. It's sexism - expecting mothers to do all the domestic work and career sacrifice - and it's OK to get angry about it. You will find loads of like minded women on Mumsnet.

I'm sorry that the job loss happened at this time of uncertainty. However, you can and will get a suitably interesting and professional job again - if necessary in another field. You sound at the end of your tether emotionally, but your resilience will come back. This all gets massively easier. You can do motherhood your way if you want.

Have you checked if you are eligible for maternity allowance? It's similar to statutory maternity but available if you are not working but have worked prior to pregnancy.

I'd feel better if I thought I COULD get back to normal. But I'm painfully aware that I don't have a hope in hell of ever getting another job in my field. And how I look afterwards is out of my control, my body is already ruined with stretchmarks and regaining my skin is impossible.

OP firstly I really think you need to source some professional help and fast. What you're feeling and experiencing is very normal and it's ok to feel it. I suffered with pre and post natal depression with my son and it's a very dark, lonely, suffocating place to be.

I too lost my job during pregnancy (in a well paid profession at director level) and then once my son was born my partner left me for another woman. I had to move back to my parents house with a baby and live out of my old bedroom - I was in my mid 30s.

Fast forward 5 years and I have a better job now than I did before, I've bought my own house and I have worked through my dark thoughts and feelings. It can be done, you can get back to normal, you can get your figure back, your stretch marks will fade BUT you can't do any of this without the correct support in place.

OP, I'm quite torn reading your post.

I feel on the one hand you are in a position you should never have got into, and have been coerced into it. Your husband sounds, forgive me, like a 1950s throwback nightmare, and your mother sounds as if she has always envied and perhaps resented you for perhaps having forged a life she didn't or couldn't.

But I agree with a PP that your mindset is very rigid and you also seem to feel a lot of contempt for what you consider the 'typical' mum as well as placing a very high value on your pre-baby body/looks.

I think these two factors may be connected and you are terrified you are turning into your mother - and furious and resentful - and ante-natal depression is doing its part and encouraging you to interpret others as rejoicing in your 'downfall'. I think you felt you had escaped her, and her life, and her resentment, and now you are trapped.

You don't have to become your mother. As many PP have said, there are many ways to do motherhood. But you need urgent help, in the immediate term to ensure your and your baby's safety, in the medium and long term to unpick all this and for the sake of your child who, believe me from experience, will notice if you regard him/her as your 'downfall'.

I'm sorry but ignore the people that tell you your life is over! What ignorant advice! Yes you have lost the way you used to look for now - give yourself credit - you are growing another human being. It doesn't mean that you can't get back to where you were fitness wise. In terms of career i can't offer advice there, I am sure you will find something that you enjoy but for now and the few months after baby I would focus on taking it easy and coming to terms with it all. Pregnancy is not for the faint hearted! Even for those of us that are extremely broody and eager for a baby pregnancy is difficult, you don't feel yourself and especially towards the end there is a lot of anxiety and questioning yourself so you are not alone in these thoughts. It's crap that your husband is not being supportive in your worries, I think sometimes some men are a bit clueless as they don't realise how much women do go through. Have you spoken to your Mum? It sounds like she will be supportive once you've had the baby and happy to help you and your partner a hands on daddy. There is no reason why you can't resume work, one child doesn't change things too much (I have three and that certainly does haha!) You are allowed to be selfish to some extent to want to do things for yourself, like I said I have three children and I have become the typical Mum running round after the kids however have decided enough is enough and I am not happy how I am, lots of mums loose themselves and this is fine, there are also other mums whom carry on pretty much the same as before.

For some unknown reason people like to try and scare u before the baby is born I don't know y. U could look into working weekends when Ur oh is at home then u will have more independence. I would say if u r feeling like Ur body is not Ur own I wouldn't breast feed, I'm not there is nothing wrong with formula. Try going to baby groups it gets u out and also u will meet mums who r not like the negative ones in Ur life. Try and get out the house even if it's only for a short walk each day being stuck at home all day makes u feel worse.

Sorry if I’ve missed this OP, but why can’t you afford childcare? If you aren’t eligible for child benefit, your husband must have an income of £50,000+. This can be used for childcare so you can go back to work and also earn. I’m also in a very niche industry, and if I couldn’t get a job in my exact field I’d have to be flexible and change direction a bit. But rather that than be a stay at home mum, which just isn’t for me.

Also, you can drink when breastfeeding without expressing, and childbirth doesn’t have to be painful (epidural!)

OP you sound so miserable. Talk to your midwife.

In addition to all the wonderful advice, you need better friends.
If any of my friends felt like you I would be piling them with love and support not laughing that their life is ruined.
It isn't ruined. You have choices.
You can stay or go.
You can look for work.
Open your own business
Retain.
You can exercise and eat well.
You can put baby in childcare for a few hours a week or get a mothers help etc.
You can be beautiful and successful and a mum.

But right now you need support. GP. HV. Midwife. Samaritans. Nicer friends.

Point out to your husband that if you have a breakdown it will all be on his shoulders. No more fancy career for him.
If you divorce he'll have to step up with childcare and provide proper financial support.
Pr he can do it all now for free.

Perhaps if he is genuinely a nice guy normally he is struggling to know what to do, so work put what you need and spell it out to him. Otherwise you have no future with him anyway.

Please be kind to yourself c

My first pregnancy was unplanned and it was horrendous. I lost my job and was not entitled to maternity pay and the statutory maternity pay took so long to come thru that i didnt recieve any money until the baby was 2 months old.
It was so so so awful... i went from being able to support myself to having nothing overnight... I also got quite ill with spd and could not walk very far... meaning i could not even go out to the local shop. I did get very depressed. Its such a big change and if it wasnt one you really wanted deep down it makes it even more difficult.

I can say though that my son is nearly 3 now and I love him so much and i feel much more like myself again. We didnt bond straight away and i sufferred from pnd but after a few month things started to improve. Babies actually grow much faster than its seems like they are going to... they dont remain completely dependant on you for very long at all in the grand scheme of things. I thought id never feel like me again but I do now.

Its very very important to TALK to people who are more understanding about this than your partner and mother. You need real support from people. Speak to your midwife and/or your GP and be honest about how you feel. You are not alone, there are many many women who have felt this way and the midwives will have seen it before. You needednt be ashamed, this is a perfectly natural way to feel considering your circumstances, it does not make you selfish and does not mean you wont turn out to be a wonderful mother.

Your husband and your mum are both behaving horribly towards you. What they are saying is not the truth, please don't listen to them. It is not right that they speak to you like this when you're upset.

Will you speak to your midwife and tell them that you're feeling suicidal? It's really important that you get some support right now for how you're feeling.

Your husbands income is the family money. It's not his money, it's both of your money. You being at home with the baby will enable him to go to work, without you he would need to stop work or pay for full time childcare. So you are contributing equally to the family, just in different ways.

It is very wrong of your husband to think that nothing in his life needs to change. Has he even looked into whether he can change his working hours to be more family friendly? Can he work from home at all? Or go in earlier so that he can leave sooner? Is he taking the full paternity leave?

Are you sure you aren't eligible for Maternity Allowance? That's a government benefit for women who don't qualify for Maternity Pay. If you've been in work recently then you are likely to qualify for it.

I know it doesn't seem like it now, but you will recover from the pregnancy physically. Yes you may have stretch marks, but they will fade and many many women have them. Including models, actresses and so on - they get airbrushed out of photos.

Your feelings are completely valid and it sounds as though you're in a shit situation. Please contact your midwife and access all the advice and support that you can.

This is a battle for another day, but have you queried the loss of job situation with CAB or Acas? I thought that if you've been continually employed by the same company for 7 years (despite annual project funding) you should be entitled to the same treatment as permanent staff. But I may be wrong.

Best of luck to you - everything you feel towards your baby may fall into place after the birth, or it may not, but either way you need people around you that will support you and by the sounds of it that is sorely missing right now. Take care of yourself and you really aren't alone

Hi.relax lady be patient soon everything going smoothly don't take stress in my condition I am just exhausted and with the holidays I have been doing a lot of running around, decorating cooking so on and so forth so it has been just so crazy! I have tried to slow down and just relax but it is so hard for me. I am such a go, go, person, that it is so hard for me to just relax. And to top it all off I am fighting a cold. I know everyone keeps telling me I need to slow down, and that I do too much. I am still working, as a matter of fact, I am at work now. I am just going to have to force myself to relax.Good wishes.

Your husband sounds like an unsupportive arsehole!
Please please speak to your GP about how you’re feeling.
Your feelings are completely valid and it really sounds like you need some support! Sending you a hug xxx

I hope you’re doing OK OP x

I can’t pretend to know how you’ve felt and are feeling but after I’d hadn’t my eldest I used to see people out with babies and wonder how on earth could they be smiling and laughing. I knew I was never going to smile again as my life was ruined.

Needless to say that’s not been the case - but I did need a bit of help and time to get there. Please don’t be afraid to tell someone how you are feeling and get the support you deserve x

Oh and Work will sort itself out I am sure. My job came to an end when I was 27 weeks pregnant. In some ways the restrictiveness caused by me having a baby was to my benefit career wise as I had to just focus on getting a job that suited my lifestyle with the baby and not just fall into something that fitted my qualifications. I may not be earning quite as much money but I’ve ended up working in the field I wanted, part time and really couldn’t be happier x

You have great advice here & lots of people telling you life can be wonderful post children.

One solution is that your DH changes job or provides childcare. I think you said he works around 14 hours per day which will fine him little time with the baby or you

Hi Evadne,
I am aware of someone who is having the same experience as you had.and I was wondering if things improved for you since your last post.

@EvadneI I just came across this thread... can I ask how everything went? How you’re feeling now? If it did get better and what your experience has been? I’ve never related to a post more.. except I’m in the partner and endlessly pressuring me, not yet pregnant phase.

I fear all the things you mentioned, I feel the same way about it, and while I’m struggling with how unfair it is that I’m very possibly losing the man I love over being terrified of pregnancy and birth, I can’t help but think that if all I bring otherwise isn’t enough, if even me being open to adoption or another way isn’t enough, that he would rather not be a dad (and, he feels he needs to be a dad) than to be one any other way than via my body, that I should move on too. And maybe one day I’ll find someone who respects my right to choose, or not choose this, and will love and respect me just as much.

Anyway, I know this thread is old.. I found it while in my own obsessive research reading other women’s stories who have been in similar places. I feel crazy and alone and different, selfish and wrong, and that I’m losing the love of my life over this.. it seems so unfair. But at the same time, I can still get out and have freedom, which would be better than being with someone who thinks pregnancy is my duty and I should think it’s beautiful the way he’s romanticised it. And he should go find the mother of his children who wants that too.

I’d love to hear how your story is going, because I feel it’s my story 10 months from now....

Thank you!

OP I was skinnier than before I got pregnant once I started breastfeeding. And I got the comments about getting a part time job working in a shop, saying I could have one or the other (baby or career) but realistically not both.

I also have long hair that I style every day and people really enjoyed telling me I wouldn't have time to style it once baby was born (it was like glee at telling me I'd have to give it up)

I just thought fuck them and 1. went to school and started a career 2. still style my hair!!

There are all kinds of parents out there, just like there are all kinds of people. Were you identical to these other mums before you got pregnant?