How proactive has your OH been through your pregnancy?

[Pinky333777]

Hi.
B
This might just come across as a big whinge about my partner, lol, but I am curious to find out how involved others OH's have been.

My OH has been to the important appointments with me like the scans and previous midwife appts.
He's now decided there's no need to accompany me to any future mw appointments.
I can see why and I don't mind going on my own.
That's one thing.
But...what I'm finding a tad frustrating is that he's not really done anything so far to prepare for our arrival.
I've made the lists of things we needed and organised the gifts we've received, started a 'baby fund' to save while I'm still working.
I've bought a few other bits like clothes, changing mat, nappies etc too.
Yesterday, while I was making some more baby purchases it occurred to me that this isn't just my responsibility, so I asked my partner to choose and buy an outfit for baby, maybe some vests/sleepsuits and a toy. Whatever he fancied.
The point being I wanted him to get more actively involved in the preparation.
He called me earlier to ask if we can buy those things together because he's worried he'll get the wrong things 😞
Am I wrong to expect him to show any initiative at all with the nesting?
At the begining of the pregnancy he asked if there was anything he could do for me, to help.
I told him just be there, maybe make nice gestures like occasional flowers/chocs. Or offer to run me a bath or cook us dinner.
None of those things have materialised either.
It's like the intention and caring bit is there but the productive thought and action isn't 😀
I really don't want to become that nagging wife needing to prompt for everything, but leaving him to it isn't working!

How are your OH's?
Do they seem to know what's needed to be done and do it? Or do they (like mine) seem to need a bit of a poke in the behind? 😊😊😊

I've just realised I may have been a tad unfair... he did set up and check over the buggy when it arrived.
However I had asked him to 😃

How far along are you, OP?

DP wasn't really that interested in buying baby clothes, but he drove me to all the MW appointments, so I wouldn't have to get the bus, went to all the scans, and saved the money for the buggy we wanted, which we then bought together.

We had a big list, but my best friend bought me most of the stuff as part of my baby shower gift, so we didn't really need to do much prep, to be honest! Maybe you should drop hints to your friends and relatives :D

I went to every midwife appointment alone and he only came to scans. I pretty much organised everything but that is my nature. We had a lot of stuff second hand tbf

I'm 27wks so there's a little ways to go yet 😊

This is my second so we don't really need as much. My husband came to the scans and that was it - same this time. I went to midwife appointments on my own because it seemed a bit pointless to bring someone with me for that!

I'm a much bigger fan of shopping than he is so I picked up clothes as and when I felt like shopping. Bigger things we just set aside one weekend and bought them in one go. Maybe booking a couple of weekends in advance to buy specific things will help? And you're right - budgeting and saving is always worth doing!
I'm not sure I really need him to do stuff in particular to be honest. He's great, but I dont reel like I need special treatment because I'm pregnant.

Mine works a lot so hasn’t been to any appointments, only attended one private scan. He’s home 4 days a month and when he’s home he will do things that need doing around the house, like i wanted the dish washer fixed and one week I wanted a door to the attic so he built one, another week I wanted the living room rearranging so he did that, etc etc. He has no desire to buy any clothes or anything but I’m pretty sure it’s normal, he’s looking forward to having a baby but honestly as far as preparing goes... unless I tell him exactly what I want done then he won’t know what to do, but that’s okay, most men just need directing over these things

I don't think it's that unreasonable for him to be worried about not knowing what to buy or worrying about buying the wrong thing so wanting you to do it together.

I don't think chocs/flowers are the kind of thing you ask for either. But that might be just me. Lovely if it's a spontaneous thing but saying 'buy me chocs/flowers to show your appreciation' just seems a bit off to me.

Basic midwife appointments I have gone to on my own. No point him wasting leave on a 10 minute check up.

I buy everything because I am a massive control freak like doing it.

I put pram together and will probably build cot and decorate babies room like last time. Because I can.

DP puts up with me and cooks.

I go to midwife appointments on my own and I've been more proactive reading things, making lists etc

However, he has been to all hospital visits with me and scans. He's the one that wanted an extra scan the other day just so we could see the babies. He's shown some initiative getting parenting books (but not reading them) and a baby on board badge for me.

I asked him to research car seats and he has been. When I ask him to think about names he does.

He's done loads of practical DIY things to get the house ready. So I think we're just playing to our strengths really - me a bit more research/reading, him a bit more doing/car stuff.

He's also been so supportive through the hormonal ups and downs and the scares we had in the first trimester.

He's really excited for when the kicks get hard enough for him to feel too!

So overall he's been amazing.

Mine never came to any MW appointments, didn't see the point. He also let me take the lead on choosing clothing and furniture for the baby, I was happy to do that as I'm a control freak.

What has meant the most to me is how he has been since our baby was born. He has been an absolute saint, does all the housework, all the cooking/food shopping, helping me out with DD and putting up with me when I'm being a sleep-deprived cowbag (which is most of the time TBH).

So basically, so long as he pulls his finger out once baby arrives, I wouldn't worry too much OP. Some people, especially men IME, just aren't that interested in the finer details.

I have to say my husband has been absolutely brilliant. He's come to every appointment except one blood test and has really looked after me as I've had morning sickness since 6 weeks (now 20)! It doesnt sound like yours is doing a bad job. I wouldn't expect flowers etc on demand, though he has been out to get ice cream when nothing else would do! I'm thinking it's more important to have the support during labour and then when the baby actually arrived!

I'm the same as you OP, although my DH didn't come to any appointments. Only the 12 and 20 week scans. (I was totally fine with as he has work and he would be superfluous at the appointments)

I don't think DH bought anything in my last pregnancy or this one for the baby.

He says it's different for men. They don't bond with their baby until they are born, whereas women bond the moment they know they are pregnant.

I think most men feel a bit worried about getting the wrong clothes etc and also know that at the end of the day, in a way, as you're the pregnant one, you have to feel totally happy with what you're purchasing. I also suspect they've never given prams a second glance. There's always exceptions to the rule but generally Dh lets me plan those things. He might suggest things. Generally wants as little spent as possible!

We had a couple of mc and actually DH hadn't wanted to think about finer details till much nearer the time. I'm 19 weeks now. He did show me a couple of bedside cabinets so I think he's started to think about it. (We will need to get new ones before baby, it's complicated!) we have one boy already though.

He doesn't come to mw appts but is to the 20 week scan. I have more booked in later - he may not come to those though.

Lol. I havent been demanding flowers or gifts!
I mentioned the flowers and chocs to him as examples of gestures he could make when he asked what he can do for me, months ago. I also suggested foot massages and cuddles.
It makes me sound awful to be demanding offerings 😂😂😂

DH only came to scans and one hospital appointment. I didn't see the point in him coming to midwife appointments, they were boring enough for me.

He didn't do much in the way of buying, but we did discuss it, and as I'm a researcher we agreed I'd do the research and sort it out as I'm also a bargain hunter. If he saw something on offer in the supermarket he'd call me and ask about it though and if he saw something or heard about something, he'd ask if we needed 'one of those'.

I'm a natural nester so it didn't seem odd to me, and to be honest, I get annoyed when he gets things wrong!

My OH has been brilliant. He came to the scans, came to a few midwife apps. He went out baby shopping one day and came back with lots of baby clothes and a few bits. He's been so supportive and understanding when I've cried for no reason, always making sure I rest when I can, he's taking so much intestest in every aspect of ny pregnancy. I'm really very lucky!

Make sure you're really specific with him about what you want him to do during the birth. And talk about how you're going to share the load in the first few weeks. It's hard to feel that you have to give directions but honestly I've found it's the most effective way.

My DH has been to scans with me; private scan/ harmony test, 12 week, 20week and recently a urgent large for dates scan followed by midwifes appointment straight after, when his boss gave him the afternoon off at very little notice. He was there for my booking in home visit from midwife and will be there for my 35 week home visit, but only because they fell on his days off. I have not wanted or expected him to come to any other midwife appointments with me.

I have been dealing with all the buying (and collecting of second hand baby stuff. Meanwhile he has turned 2 small bedrooms into a new master bedroom (nearly finished).

I have been doing the majority of household chores throughout my pregnancy as he has been doing DIY, but I have told him he will have to take up his share of them when baby arrives, I'm sure it will require some prompting, but will get done.

Mine has been to the scans but not my midwife appointments. I wouldn't really want him to tbh - waste of time!

He hasn't bought me anything or even done anything particularly special like run me a bath, but he has put up with all of my awful mood swings and has been taking the lead on all our stressful house decisions (we're living in and renovating a total wreck) which is amazing.

I'm looking forward to choosing the baby stuff and will ask his opinion but don't at all mind taking the lead. I know he'll be a great dad when he's here which is what matters. I've also had a pretty straightforward pregnancy so far (24 weeks) which has meant I've just been carrying on as normal.

Ah OP this is new to him,even though it is for you too. I think a lot of guys I've noticed are so excited but if they've always needed a poke to get things done...then pregnancy doesn't seem to change them lol.

My OH I must say has been a godsend. He comes to all MW appointments because he doesn't want to miss out and wants the reassurance the baby is fine ( your OP sounds as though he is probably happy if you reassure him yourself and you'll tell him if anything is amiss, my hubby feels like I'm a mad pregnant lady and he needs reassurance from a medical professional and not me lol). But also because he should be there because he is a part of this process just as much as I am.

We have also booked NCT classes that are at times suitable for him (late evening) so he can attend. We picked and chose all nursery stuff, car seat and pram etc together. BUT I wouldn't have done that alone as I think it should be a decision shared by both parents so I agree with your partner there.

It really depends on the person. I think you probably expected a huuuuge change in your OP and your waiting for these significant gestures and probably not seeing the little things he does do and shows he does care.

I am really lucky with my hubby but I too can be such a demanding bitch at times lol.

I think you should go shopping and buy things together but get him to pick stuff he likes too. He might want your reassurance that he's not buying utter shit. As long as he picks it, it's still something right?

P.s nothing wrong with demanding stuff. I just demanded Ben and Jerrys in bed. And a glass of milk. And a bump massage. He needs to be told!

My DH has been to all major appointments with me. He’s been at most MW appointment but only because I get the 8.40am appointment before work and we car share into work as we work very close together so saves on parking cost!

He has overall been really good. Looked after me when I’ve felt unwell, ran me baths after a long day etc.

We’ve done all major decisions on baby together like furniture, pram shopping which was nice. An he’s paid for a few outfits we’ve chosen together.

He did announce he had bought baby a Xmas present. An then when it game showed me it in case it was wrong. Of course it wasn’t. It was a gift he had chosen for the baby which makes it lovely. It was a guess how much I love you rattle and snuggly. Shame as would of been a lovely surprise on Xmas day that he had got that. But men are not as confident as what we do and don’t any an think just want to aim to keep us happy!

My partner came to the scans but never the midwife appointments, I didn't see the point - it's unnecessary time off of work for him tbh.

Regarding general involvement, with our last baby and during this current pregnancy, the vast majority of clothing has been left to me to sort out, but that's mostly because I'm quite picky regarding styles and would rather choose things myself. If he stumbles upon something he thinks is cute he'll show me, though.

He got/gets stuck in with the bigger things, i.e. car seats, prams, budgeting for the babies etc. I can't really complain.

He deals/helps with a lot of the practical stuff whilst I get free reign to make the nursery look awesome and pick out adorable outfits without too much interference 😂

Bless 'em all.
It sounds like all our other halves are all doing their best and are great guys.
They're by our sides, ready to be good Dad's. That's really what matters.
I'll work at getting mine to be more interested in baby stuff. I just don't want to seemingly take over and end up choosing everything. I'd like him to have just as much of a say, but he doesn't seem too bothered 😋
I also tend to shop online at work a lot, which probably doesn't help 😊
A joint shopping trip out together is in order after Xmas I think 😊😊💕

I’m a bit surprised how many Husbands haven’t been to midwife appointments!

Mine is very proactive, probably more so than me but that’s just our personalities. I think the medical side of things is very much a joint thing because it’s our baby and he wants to be involved every step of the way.

We’ve picked out the prams, baby furniture, clothes that we want together (haven’t bought anything because it’s too early!). Although I’d say he’s more about the practical side of things (car seats etc.) and I like to look at the cute outfits and nursery decor more- joint shopping trips definitely help to get them more excited about the arrival :) X

daisy why is it surprising? Mine usually involve around 30mins of waiting (however early I arrive), then I'm in and out in 10mins. I have more than most as I have another condition that's being checked. They don't even check for heartbeat until 26 weeks at my hospital, so so far it's been blood pressure, dipping a stick in my wee, weighing me and asking me how I am. Completely boring! My DH would have to book a half day from work and would prefer to save the holiday for when the baby is here. Not sure what he or I would gain from his presence tbh! Also my midwives actively discourage men from attending as in my area there is a fairly high incidence of DV, so they like to see women by themselves to check they are ok.