How proactive has your OH been through your pregnancy?

[Pinky333777]

Hi.
B
This might just come across as a big whinge about my partner, lol, but I am curious to find out how involved others OH's have been.

My OH has been to the important appointments with me like the scans and previous midwife appts.
He's now decided there's no need to accompany me to any future mw appointments.
I can see why and I don't mind going on my own.
That's one thing.
But...what I'm finding a tad frustrating is that he's not really done anything so far to prepare for our arrival.
I've made the lists of things we needed and organised the gifts we've received, started a 'baby fund' to save while I'm still working.
I've bought a few other bits like clothes, changing mat, nappies etc too.
Yesterday, while I was making some more baby purchases it occurred to me that this isn't just my responsibility, so I asked my partner to choose and buy an outfit for baby, maybe some vests/sleepsuits and a toy. Whatever he fancied.
The point being I wanted him to get more actively involved in the preparation.
He called me earlier to ask if we can buy those things together because he's worried he'll get the wrong things 😞
Am I wrong to expect him to show any initiative at all with the nesting?
At the begining of the pregnancy he asked if there was anything he could do for me, to help.
I told him just be there, maybe make nice gestures like occasional flowers/chocs. Or offer to run me a bath or cook us dinner.
None of those things have materialised either.
It's like the intention and caring bit is there but the productive thought and action isn't 😀
I really don't want to become that nagging wife needing to prompt for everything, but leaving him to it isn't working!

How are your OH's?
Do they seem to know what's needed to be done and do it? Or do they (like mine) seem to need a bit of a poke in the behind? 😊😊😊

I've just realised I may have been a tad unfair... he did set up and check over the buggy when it arrived.
However I had asked him to 😃

I don't think there is anything wrong with saying random chocs and flowers make me feel appreciated and valued! I say it all the time!

Hubby and I are not particularly 'getting on with things' kind of people so who knows how we'll get ready. I expect our mothers will have an intervention at some point.

He has been home to his mum's and picked up his old baby clothes. I wouldn't want to pick out everything for the kid that would be so weird to me!

My boyfriend is the most caring person and I love him to bits. He's so excited about becoming a dad.

But what he can't get excited about is outfits, nappies, prams, car seats and baby blankets. He does try to show enthusiasm but he's just not a materialistic person. I'm sure he'll be more in to that side when the baby is here, but for some men (and women!) it just doesn't interest them. I think it's harder when they can't physically bond with something until it's here.

Mine is as involved as I want him to be. Honestly, I do NOT want him at all my appts. He's come to the scans and that's it. A) there's no point him hanging around to watch them take my blood pressure and urine samples and I have a really straightforward pregnancy so really nothing to even talk about with the midwives, and B) I'd rather him be working so he can be all hands on deck when I actually need him, he's self-employed as am I at the moment, so if he takes off time for an appt, it means he needs to work later to get the same work done. I'm already taking time off so it means I really need that time and need him home with our dd so I can work and get things done when I'm missing so much work for appts. It's annoying enough I have to do it, so definitely don't want both of us taking time off.

As for organising and getting stuff ready, I'm the organiser in our relationship, so I just go ahead and organise stuff. I know what I need (2nd baby), so I just get it. There's no point really him getting involved as I'll mostly be the one at home with baby and it makes sense to get and set things up the way I want it. So I make the lists and buy everything, and I basically just send him a bill, so he knows what costs he needs to split with me. I'm not really bothered to get his opinion on it and he's happy for me to have whatever it is I think we need, so that works well for us.

What he is helping me with is DIY sorts of things that need to get done before baby arrives as I can't do those myself. We're re-decorating the bathroom (it's gross and old) and making a few other household repairs. He's doing all that. And he's moving furniture around, rebuilding the cot, cleaning the nursery ahead of baby arriving, etc. That's his contribution as he enjoys that more and is good at it, whereas I'm in no condition to move wardrobes around and paint walls. He does whatever needs doing for our older daughter so I can take care of myself, go for walks/go swimming to stay active, if I need a nap, to go to my weekly yoga class, to have a massage, etc. and he'll do a fair share of the baby care and parenting when baby arrives. Last time he was up helping me with all feeds, doing everything around the house so I could rest, etc. He'll take two weeks off (unpaid as he's self-employed) and then only go back part-time for another few weeks to help me with the school runs. That's the sort of stuff I need help with and he's great with that.

Mine has done ‘less’ with each pregnancy but does more in general. First time round he came to the midwife appointments and scans. We chose things together and we’re all excited. 2nd time round he just came scans and let me to the majority of the shopping, but compensated by taking on more with our ds and the household tasks especially towards the end when I was in and out of hospital. This time he’s only actually been to a private gender scan and my 20 week scan which isn’t a lot really when I’ve had appointments and scans every 2 weeks since I was 6 weeks due to complications. He has sat for hours in a&e with me when I had a haemorrhage at 16 weeks and has taken on all of the house work and looking after the boys as I’ve been on bedrest. We’ve not really bought much yet but he did pick out our daughters first babygrow after the gender scan.

Not attending appointments doesn’t mean they aren’t proactive!

My dh came to all the appointment etc that he needed to. But as for buying baby bits etc, I made the list, asked him if he had anything he wanted to add, then we went out and bought it. He's pretty ambivalent about that kind of stuff and assumed I knew what I wanted and let me get on with it. He enjoyed a little bit of research on things like video monitors and car seats but nothing too major. Suits me. I did8nt really want his input on pushchairs etc. He was very patient with my crying/tiredness/mood swings though and ensuring there was plenty of Bounty and Snickers bars in the fridge.

Oh, and was an absolute trooper during labour. Didn't cheer me on or go down the goal end. Exactly as I wanted.

How my exh was during my pregnancy marked the beginning of the end for me. All I asked him to do was search a different route to hospital as major roadworks were causing endless traffic jams and also to bring me a pillow for he car ride home as just had emcs. He did neither, sat in an hour traffic jam on way to hospital as went into labour day before planned CS (awkwardly breech baby) and then had to go home from hospital in agony with no pillow to protect tummy from seat belt etc. I was livid and still am when I think about it

I didn’t even realise until reading this that husbands could come to midwife apppintments. For the ladies whose partners come too, can I ask what they get out of it? I’m all up for new ideas and think it’s fantastic to be equal and involved in all aspects of preparation.
OP thanks for starting this thread, it’s really interesting.

I'm on my third pregnancy but couldn't imagine DH coming to midwife appointments? Why?

You say that he’s nervous he may buy the wrong thing? Maybe it isn’t genuinely that he’s just nervous about it all and trusts your judgement.

My DH has been incredible but he lets me pick all of the items and then he pays lol. He also feels he doesn’t really know what he’s looking for so I’ll do all the research and then show him what I’ve picked and we discuss the pros and cons and then I’ll ask him to pick the colour. Maybe try this with your OH?

*maybe it is

@ferntwist
At the first couple of mw appointments my oh was very inquisitive. He had a few questions about baby and how pregnancy might affect me etc.
He also got to hear babies heartbeat and it's quite nice to get that professional reassurance that everything is alright.
He doesn't always believe things coming from me. He prefers a professional opinion 😁😁

Sorry, "baby's"

• that would annoy me too much to leave 😂

@ferntwist I don't think they get anything out of it really, but I ask mine to come because I'm needle phobic and quite anxious so having him there is a huge help. The only thing he gets out of it is having reassurance I'm not freaking out on my own. 😂

@georgie262 Why not? Why can't you even imagine it? It's very common. My friend is a midwife and said she'd find it strange if she didn't see a partner/husband at the appointments at least a few times.

More proactive than me :)

I did nothing bar source a cot and travel system as they needed time for delivery etc.

Dh started saying about doing stuff at about 30 weeks. I wasn’t bothered as it was only a pop into town for most things. He also wanted to discuss names etc, i wanted to leave it until after the baby was here.

I think we both went shopping and picked up a packets of sleepsuits and basics at about 35 weeks. Job done.

@georgie because it's his child too and he wants to support and be involved- through the whole process. Plus I want him there in case I miss/forgot bits of information. :)

Maybe it's because this is my first pregnancy though, so I don't know what to expect. It never occurred to me to go by myself. Although we're both quite lucky we can easily take the time off work.

@Daisy91 My husband very much wants to support and be involved through the whole process but like many pps I put him off coming to the appointments - or at least the first one, I may ask him along to the second one. I knew it would just be 90 minutes of form-filling. I really didn't want to waste his annual leave. Plus it was to all intents and purposes a medical examination of me - I don't usually bring him to my GP appointments. He'd be there in a shot if I told him I wanted him there, or if I was even neutral about it.

@OP To be honest I doubt I will have everything, or even many things organised by your stage of pregnancy - there are still 3 months left!! If you want your DH to be a bit better-informed I recommend the book "Pregnancy for Men: The whole nine months". It's light and entertaining and we have both learned a lot! Plus it meant that my (already incredibly supportive) DH took the initiative on a number of fronts, eg researching and booking NCT classes.

A midwife said it was odd never to see a partner at an appointment? Really? I don't know anyone who takes their husband. It seems a bit pointless to take someone with you to an appointment to get urine tested and blood pressure taken. I mean fair enough if they want to come. But I don't think it's surprising if they dont, and it's not something I've felt I need support with in either pregnancy. I'm consultant led this time so he may come along to one of those appointments just to have two pairs of ears taking it all in, but I'd be equally happy going alone.

Yeah I also find it weird a midwife would expect to see a partner there given that mine told me in my first appointment that they actively discourage it for the reasons I've already explained.

I'm also wondering about all this info everyone else seems to get in theirs and not be able to remember it themselves - mine have literally been urine, blood pressure, are you well, yes good, see you next time and stop off to do your bloods on the way out! AND it's my first baby and I've had 3 mcs and I have a thyroid condition so not straightforward. Am I missing out?

I'm 25 weeks now - does it become more about the baby later on? Up to now it's felt like a health check for me and they haven't as much as listened to the heartbeat.

My partner is similar on the clothes in that he is terrified he is going to pick something that I'll find really ugly (23+3 over here). In terms of appointments, my OH has attended the booking appointment and scans but that's all I've wanted really as it seemed unnecessary for him to come to midwife appointments. My OH also says your partner is probably just tiptoeing around you trying not to annoy you. My OH generally takes his share of the cooking (one of us cleans and one of us cooks) and he nips out to get stuff from the store, sometimes prompted and sometimes just because he's hungry. He does take his initiative in some ways but I think it's that old age biological difference that men think differently from women, we're just able to multitask better. If I write a list of things we need for the baby, just because my partner wouldn't think of half the things on the list doesn't mean he wouldn't run and buy them if asked if the product brand is specified generally. Women become mothers during pregnancy, men become fathers at birth. That being said mine cried like a wuss at the first scan! 😂😂

With my first DD, my husband came to all my appointments, I’ve private healthcare so appointment every 4 weeks with OB/GYN and scan at each appointment, all arranged after 5.30pm so no time off work.

He helped pick the cot and assembled it, he chose the pram himself as he’s taller than me so it was important he was comfy pushing it as well, went to buy me ice cream at any time of the day/night regardless of how tired he was.

This time round he’s exactly the same, maybe a little more overprotective as I had pre eclampsia last time. He’s kind and considerate about my food adversions and tries his best.

TBH if he wasn’t a supportive partner first time round I wouldn’t be having a second baby with him. I also think that by ensuring he did hours of skin to skin time, nappy changing, and research on various baby things makes him a better dad.

My DH has been brilliant.

I have suffered from hyperemesis from week 6 to week 16 and lost a lot of weight(and the will to live) in my first trimester.
He took his annual leave for a month to look after me,shower me,wash my sick bucket while keeping a clean and tidy house and cooking for himself(since I could hardly eat anything those 10 horrendous week). Never once complained and once he had to get back to work, he flew my mum in to look after me.
He has been to each and every appointment including the boring MW ones, paid for a private scan to help me bond with baby and 27 weeks now and still doing everything. He massages my feet and bump everyday, says sweet nothings to little baby in there and gets me whatever I crave whichever time it is. I have been truly blessed with an amazing man. Plus all baby shopping has been done by him so far, he always takes the initiative to show me baby related stuff I might be interested in and despite severe SPD(on crutches now), I sometimes like to go out to some baby shops with him just to please him as I can see how excited and over the moon he is about this wee one's arrival.

My DH came to all the many many scans (twins) and consultant appointments. We went to second hand baby sales together, picked Buggy and car seats together but otherwise I did most things. It's still like that now really. He's wonderful with the twins but he's not that proactive still sadly. He's always saying to ask if I need help but would much prefer him to take initiative and just do stuff that needs doing. We are working on it though!

I'm only about 13w but DH has already produced a list of stuff to get and has been researching buggies and car seats... I'd say that he needs to chillax a little...

Tbh, you sound like you like to be in charge and if your OH was proactive with strong ideas, you'd end up at loggerheads.